The Correct Answer Is D

Hey, how about a little something for the laaaydiees?

So, what do you think Fletch is about to do while clad in this tool belt and hundreds of dollars of power tools? 

Is he:

A)  Adding a solarium onto the house?

B)  Installing a roof deck or possibly an entire third floor?

C)  Rehabbing the master bathroom?

D)  Placing two tiny screws in the wall to hang a curtain rod (which I totally could have done myself except he gets all stabby when he sees me try to build stuff with roofing nails and the heel of my loafer?)

And yes... I know.  I haven't posted anything for a week and the best thing I can think to put up is a photo of my husband's narrow ass?

You're welcome.

UPDATE:  So I decided I was perfectly capable of putting the curtain tie-back up myself.  I even used the big girl screwdriver. 

And it was totally fine.

Until I placed the filial finial (spellcheck doesn't correct it when you spell the wrong word the right way) on the end of it.

I may owe a certain flat-assed someone an apology.

Comments

[MalibuMamma]

I keep trying to post but I guess I'm just not funny enough. Maybe this one will go through.

[Leslie]

My own hubby pulls out a similar set-up to hang pictures. Hanging one or two small prints in our living room turns into an all-afternoon event. It's all I can do not to blind him with the laser level.

[Bethany]

haaah! That's hilarious! You just made my day!

[Karina in T.O]

I physically shudder everytime we have to hang a pic, or put together a piece of furniture. Flatpacks are a nightmare and bring out all sorts of tools.

It looked like a bomb went off in our living room when my hubby put together our coffee table from the Bombay Company! Seriously dude, you needed to bust out that entire tool-box up in here like that?? All you needed was the damn powerdrill!!!

[MizFit]

oh, and I know youre off to BOSTON (seen the cinematic wonderment which was Road Trip?) but AUSTIN?

I know you didnt wanna reside here (*sniff*) but we'd love a booktourstop.

MizFit

[Middle Aged Woman]

I'm a little curious about the placement of that hammer.

[Jessie]

Who can even see a flat ass under all of that???

[MizFit]

I do that shit all the time up in herre.

proudly announce to my Renaisssance Man that IM NOW OFFICIALLY MY OWN HUSBAND.

and then it falls apart (the creation. not my RM. that was an awkward sentence)

MizFit

[Erin]

OMG You people make me laugh. You are so awsome! I once convinced a client to buy this huge antique armoire for her daughter's bedroom and when we got it up the stairs it couldn't pivot in the hallway to get through the door. Because I measured wrong. Apparently you're supposed to measure things...So I hestitate to point this out but I mean it with love...Please let me come help you decorate your house! You are a genius--I truly think so. But seriously you can't screw the curtain tie-back into the woodwork! (Never mind that it's too close to the door but I LOVED that.) Anyway I will come help you any time free of charge except maybe you'll have to let me strap on a box of depends and watch Sandra Lee with you!

[MalibuMamma]

Okay today...I created a Jen Lancaster display at my local (Calabasas)Barnes & Noble. The Jen Lancaster books were tucked away on a high shelf and a) I hate reaching and b)they deserved their own spot. So I removed them and placed them on the new paperback best seller table. The uneducated salesperson, who does not, by the way, have a sense of humor, asked me why I moved the books. My answer: Because. This. Is funny. She did not appreciate my humor, but I did. Also, Fletch's tool belt. Yeah, my husband would dawn this apparel to change a light bulb!

[Andrea]

Alot of the stories people are telling here sound like my accident prone dad. At least once a year for the past 8 years he's made a trip to the hospital. The hospital started sending him "how are you feeling?" postcards.

As for "alternative hammers" I've use a pad lock and a weighted tape dispenser. Please note that the tape dispenser is not nearly as sturdy as i thought it was. Maybe 2 or 3 whacks befor im running to the trash can saying "fuckfuckfuckfuck" trying not to get sand all over my place of employment.

[Karen]

Okay, Today, at my Barnes & Noble, I made a dsiplay of your books. And no. I don't work there! I just love your books and I thought that everyone who goes to my Barnes & Noble in Los Angeles should have the chance to read them. And yes, the girl who works in the autobiography section, did ask me what the hell I thought I was doing.

[Kelsey]

Worst handyman story ever of mine:
a certain man decided that he would fix the electrical circuits by himself while his wife was out for the day. He does not alert wife before he decides to do this. Husband being the man that he is does not have enough sense to TURN OFF the power before rerouting said circuits. Husband's stupidity turns into getting shocked by circuits. In the attic. Alone. while wife is out for four hours........ A week later he fell off a ladder while trying to fix non existant problem with fan. He's not allowed to touch tools or circuits anymore...

[XaXa (cha-cha)]

FYI:
cha-cha heels make terrible hammers....

;)

Great post Jen, classic move!

[Kat]

That huge tool belt for the hanging of tiny screws is cracking me up!!!! However, upon scrolling down and seeing the finial, TEARS OF LAUGHTER!!!!!!

Being that I am single and have had to hang many things on my own, all the while thinking how skillful I am in my endeavors, only to find myself uttering swear word after swear word, upon discovering a similar mistake - this cracked me up to no end!!! THANK YOU for giving my boring Monday a proper belly laugh. :)

[Robin]

Nice job w/the tieback. With all those tools, maybe Fletch can just move the door over a scootch. Then it would be perrrrfect.

[LindaS.]

Yes, one must have a manly mans tool belt to carry two little screws and a screwdriver. I don't know how you expected Fletch to carry out the operation without proper equipment!

Whahahahahahahahahahahaha! That is just too funny.

Fletch, you are such a guy!

[Jen]

My husband had trouble breathing for a few seconds the first time he saw me using a wrench as a hammer. Now all I hear is "They make an actual tool for that" no matter if I'm actually doing it right or not. And no, I haven't used that line in bed...yet.

[krys]

Jen, not to add insult to injury, but I think you meant "finial" not "filial." Brace yourself, you just may be getting a wiseass smirk from both Fletch AND Freud...

[Angry Kitten]

If he has an un-butt...how did his pants not fall down with all those turbo tools? The laws of gravity have got to apply, no?

[Amy Lynn Glor]

You made me spit out my Coke.

[SarahL]

LOL, most of the guys in my family believe that duct tape fixes everything. It may not be as pretty, but could have held up a curtain rod!

[Melanie]

Nice tools! I wonder if my boyfriend would start hanging things if I bought him a belt like that? As it is now I have to make an attempt and fail before he will hang stuff... he would have to do a lot less fixing holes if he'd just do it when I ask the first time!!
Oh well... now that I'm living in his house instead of an apartment I bet he starts to get the idea sooner! =)

[Jessie]

Nice work :) Looks like something I would do too.

So, I was watching the local news here in Lansing, MI this morning, and saw your latest book in the background of one of their shots in a bookstore. It was part of a display, but it totally stuck out as compared to the other books in the display. It also reminded me that I have to go buy it (I had a baby right around the time it came out and so haven't made it to the store to get it yet).

[elizabeth]

I love a man in a toolbelt-even flat asses look great with a toolbelt. Hot stuff!

[Randi]

Shhh....it's called a finial (not filial). Let's not give Fletch any extra ammunition.

[Kelly]

You rock, girl. Thanks for the comic relief!

[Charissa]

Hahaaa at huuuuge toolbelts

I was browsing your page and I saw that you have another book coming out in May 09! SQUEEEEEE. SO excited!

I have all three books and i'm having my friends read them.

I hope you'll do a tour within traveling distance of Hudson Falls, New York!

[Carrie]

You totally crack me up!! SOOO glad I discovered your books and website. Thanks for making me laugh!

[Marie]

That's something I'd do :-)

[Marie]

That's something I'd do :-)

[Marie]

That's something I'd do :-)

[Mimi]

I am dying!! So funny!! I just hung our bedroom curtains about a foot too low...so proud of myself for using a "stud finder' (hee hee) and a level and then found that they hung in giant dust and animal hair collecting piles....sigh.

[Carrie]

I would have done the same damn thing.

But at least you gave Fletch an excuse to use his Big Boy tools! :)

[Katherine in TX]

JEN!!! After I posted, I noticed you put screws into the really nice molding by the door. Yikes!! No wonder Fletch has the big tool belt :)

[Katherine in TX]

Love Fletch's ass. Almost thought it was my hubby. It's scary how all of us have the same husband out there. And why do they all have small asses, mine is twice his size???
I have my own tools with my name on them. Our whole company knows that if something is left in one of the stores with my name on it, Daniel is in big trouble.
I didn't know there were pink drills, I'm totally getting one. Mine is old and in need of replacing!!

[The Chick]

THAT is a serious tool belt! I would just sit and watch all that happening for my own entertainment!

[PBS]

How did a picture of my husband's back end and tool belt find it's way here?

[tracyw]

Jen--your picture of the filial is hilarious! I did the same thing with a curtain rod in my kitchen and now one of my cabinets won't open all the way. Now instead of getting pissed every time I try to open it, I will laugh!! Thanks!

[Shannon]

I have those tiebacks! You have the dual rod too?

Fletch has a nice ass. You can tell him that. My hunny and I can't do home improvement projects together often wither--he's an engineer, and well, I'm not. I do it by eyeballing, he draws graphs, grids,a nd pie charts.

I do it while he's doing all the charts 9 times out of ten.

[DawnMarie]

Hilarious! To AJMick: No you're not the only one, I've used shoes, a wood cutting board, and once in a pinch, my dog's food dish all as hammers.
I've asked for tools from the men in my family for holidays, yet I get the same old crap and no tools.

Loved Bright Lights, picking up your first and last one this week for my vacation. Hope to spend 7 days lounging, reading, and wasitin away in margaritaville!

[Lisa Johnson]

The minute my husband moved in with me my tack hammer went AWOL. Hubby laughed that I could survive just using that wimpy tool! My sister has her Hammerock. It's the perfect size, fits in her palm perfect and has a nice flat size for pounding in nails. Now back to looking for my tack hammer.....

[Becky]

Wow, that's a really impressive ... belt he's got there!

[MC]

Guys get dressed up to screw something. It's how the world works. Whether it's a curtain rod, a cougar or prom. Pretty sure girls do it too...but who needs a tool belt when you have a Prada bag!

Just heard about you on Monday of last week and finished your first book last night! I've purchased the other two (I'll start the second one tonight) and I'm pretty sure you're my twin (or clone)....thanks for the entertainment! I'll pimp your blog (and books) on my blog!

[Renee in Chicago]

This is great timing because my super un-handy husband was in Vegas this weekend and I took this opportunity to have my handy uncle come over and take down the HIDDEOUS NAVY BLUE verticle blinds we still had up from the previous owners covering our sliding glass doors. I've now joined the new millenium and have nice chocolate brown curtains over the doors. Hubby gets home today - still has no idea. It was all "While You Were Out" South Loop Chicago Edition.

That finial on the end of your pull back is a real bummer. Now what?

[Dena Washburn]

I live on the East Coast and one would think I would be on top of good literature. However, I just finished your first book and after changing my undies am ready to read your second. Your three books, bought at BJ's Wholesale Club, were my latest shopping spree! I know I am last of the big time spenders.

Concerning the curtain rod? We have six windows in our bedroom (great for freaking morning people of which I am not one unless it was our day at the food bank. Thank you God that those days are over. Another tale to tell.) that we bought five or seven years ago and they are stashed under my prescious closet devouring some space that could be used for storing girl things.

Two years ago, I had my talented sister make us, from the supplies we bought, an entire new fabric ensemble for the bedroom. Duvet cover to curtain for the smaller closet where my husband swore he was going to build a door for to match our 200-year-old stone farmhouse decor. Glad I didn't hold my breath on that one.

So what is keeping my well-oiled mechanic from putting the curtain rods up on the weekends? The laundry he so lovingly hauls up and down the 90 degree stair steps so that I don't fall again and break something other than my ego. He's adorable and if the neighbors see me naked? Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!

Shame the over-kill toolbelt on your husband totally dilute the skinny tush. You are another lucky woman.

[Lara]

Hee! Hello there, Fletch's ass!

Incidentally, I won a copy of Such a Pretty Fat in a contest on Kristabella's blog and finally read it this weekend. I just wanted to tell you I absolutely loved it and am kicking myself for not reading it sooner - partly because it was hilarious and partly because that means I missed the opportunity try to get you drink wine with a total stranger (moi) when you were in Philly last month. (Maybe next time, although I am quite certain that I sound like a SuperFan-type crazy woman right now). Anyway, I can't wait to read your other two (and promise to purchase them this time around instead of mooching them off bloggers).

Thanks for the laughs!

[Shelli]

Never mind the flat ass. I was blinded by those two thin strips of neon white legs!

Get that man some sun pronto!

[Sarah Elizabeth]

I have the same hardeware for my pannels! There are multiple holes in the wall from my lack of drape-hanging expertise though.

[CATHY WALKER]

At least he tries:)