And Speaking of Apologies

While I was on tour, a lot of you asked about Fletch.  I responded by sharing stories of his general ineptitude at taking care of himself/the household, e.g. the food poisoning incident (Part One Million) and the panic over not knowing how to deal with a maid with cat yack in her shoe and The Great Drycleaning Debacle.

In the course of this discussion, I explained my simple rule for a happy marriage.  For those of you who weren't there to hear it, my rule is to never, ever talk against your spouse when there's an actual problem.  (Bad cooking and cat puke bitchpanic don't count.)  (Actually, anything funny doesn't count.) 

When the rare Issue (as opposed to small-i issue) comes up and we get mad at each other, I don't go running to my friends or family or the internet.  I keep the Issue between us.  My thought is that if I bring someone else into my Problem, I begin to breach marital trust and drive a friend/family/internet-shaped wedge between us both.  My experience is when others get involved, people choose sides and what was an Issue becomes an ISSUE with battle lines drawn.  By keeping the problem between ourselves, the only other person I can obsess to is my partner.  There's no escalation.  Only talking to each other expedites solutions and makes for a harmonious life together. 

(Keeping this philosophy in mind, try to guess how much I liked the Sex and the City movie.  Seriously, if one glib comment kept Big from marrying Carrie, maybe the foundation of her relationship wasn't as strong as she thought, in which case she should have THANKED Miranda.)

(And the part where the kid answered the phone by saying "sex"?  UGH to the point of insulting my intelligence.) 

(And for everyone else, why are you still dressing up to view the film?  CARRIE BRADSHAW CAN'T SEE YOU IN THE AUDIENCE AND YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GET BUTTERFINGER SHARDS AND POPCORN GREASE ON YOUR PRETTY SKIRT AND SWEATER SET, NOT THAT I KNOW THIS FROM EXPERIENCE.)

Anyway, yes. 

Back to the topic at hand.

As a caveat, this keep-it-to-yourselves strategy works in my situation because generally I'm the hothead/blowhard and my spouse is usually the voice of reason.  One size of this advice may not fit all.  What will work for everyone is to learn the magic words, "I was wrong and I am sorry." Yeah, it's trite but truly, saying them can fix most anything.

And in case you're curious at my having brought up Problems and Issues, ours are rarely exciting or dramatic.  The most recent Issue occurred while I was on tour.  I convinced myself that Fletch wasn't taking care of the backyard like he should and I worked myself up into quite a lather over how I'd put all that work into making it pretty and that everything was going to die because he wasn't watering and damn it, I spent a lot of money and it's all going to go to waste and THIS IS BULLSHIT and why aren't you answering your phone to tell me everything is fine when I call you fifteen times in a row? 

(Answer?  Because he was in a meeting.)

By the way, this what I came home to:

Fletch loses no points for the graffiti-covered dumpster - that's not his doing.

If you look closely, you'll see how I re-purposed our old charcoal grill.  (Bonus points for me!)

Fine, he does lose a couple of points for the cigarette butts.

This one's my favorite. 

The shady side of the yard.

Can you see how big the tomato plant already is in the corner?  Am growing my own.  I plan to auction these salmonella-free beauties off to the highest bidder!  Who needs J.P. Morgan when I have MiracleGrow?

Again, it can't be said enough.  He did take great care of my plants while I was gone.

So I was wrong and I am sorry.

And I'm going to sell our tomato and make us rich.

Comments

[Lonnie Hendrickson]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ftRA2NsXf8

calling something a "vacum cleaner " story in my family is a result of this clip from sesame street. your backyard story totally put me in mind of it again!
your writing rocks, i will get the new book somehow! have a great 4th.

[Heather]

My posts keep disappearing....I see you did make the baskets....very impressed........

[Angela]

Serious garden envy. Hate my yard! Hate!

[barefoot writer]

So true. Once, when I did break me rule and mentioned a complaint of my husband never cleaning the bathroom sink any more since I moved in - which he was fully capable of before - my friend said, I thought your husband was perfect, you never said anything about him before.
Yeah, there's a reason for that!

[jess]

The flowers are beautiful! And you are right on with the real issues/vs. minor issues. I used to walk with a neighbor who told me horrifying things about her husband. When I saw him I just thought, what an ahole but had to be nice. When my husband asked me what I said about him I just said, you know, the usual, how you do nothing around the house, etc.

[morganzmom]

love, love, LOVE the blue chairs (wherever did u find them??!) and the garden is beautiful! my hubby wouldn't know a weed from a flower so i can't exactly trust him with that kind of stuff, but i agree with you that the serious issues aren't something to share with the world....but in my case, his lack of gardening skills are. i'll have to try using your advice and say "i'm sorry" more often (and not always add 'dumbass' at the end! LOL)

[Aimee]

your flowers look FABULOUS! I need to plant flowers now. thanks a lot. ::sigh::

[Middle Aged Woman]

Am currently Up North (a Michigan vacation thing), but would LOVE to come home to a gorgeous setting like that, even WITH the dumpster-next-door. Your hard work and investment have really paid off. And I'd like to start the tomato bidding at $3.00.

[TheBabblingHousewife]

I LOVE the grill idea. I see a ton of those at yard sales/thrift shops and they are a lot cheaper than planters. And they're at an easier height to mess with.

You have a great brain....

[Sara, Chicago]

Here we go, my condensed version of a seriously funny story...So is it okay that this weekend, at a birthday party, my beligerent husband told all of his friends about his preggo wife's bad gas as a warning for when they have kids and I freaked out so bad on the way home that I got pulled over..told the cop I blew the stop sign b/c "I was arguing with my husband because he's a f**king a**hole," and then he looked afraid of me and let me go...and then when I, crazy hormone lady, calmed down, thought it was hysterical and told my friends? And now I'm telling you? I'd have to say it's okay b/c usually I'm such a good sport and have no shame, I really went nuts for no reason - especially considering his friends are also mine. I'm still LMFAO.

[Britt]

Your blog and your books crack me up daily - I love how you can articulate exactly what I think!

Just had to comment on this post - good job Fletch, your flowers look gorgeous and I agree with your marriage philosophy - keep it between the two of you!

[Sara, Chicago]

Here we go, my condensed version of a seriously funny story...So is it okay that this weekend, at a birthday party, my beligerent husband told all of his friends about his preggo wife's bad gas as a warning for when they have kids and I freaked out so bad on the way home that I got pulled over..told the cop I blew the stop sign b/c "I was arguing with my husband because he's an f**king a**hole," and then he looked afraid of me and let me go...and then when I, crazy hormone lady, calmed down, thought it was hysterical and told my friends? And now I'm telling you? I'd have to say it's okay b/c usually I'm such a good sport and have no shame, I really went nuts for no reason - espeially considering his friends are also mine. I'm still LMFAO.

[Becca]

Wait, Carrie and Big don't get married? Dang it. I guess I won't bother seeing the movie then.

[pineapple]

Nothing is more delish than fresh, home-grown vegetables. I have serious tomato envy.

I miss having a yard, man. Stupid stinkin' city! I SHAKE MY FIST AT YOU, CITY!

[Andria]

Not airing dirty laundry.... unlike a certain other well known blogger who just talked about slapping her hubby in the face...
Kudos to you!

[Tina]

so, perhaps your next book could be on gardening because you obviously really know what you're doing. also, this is all further proof that, yes, you really need to buy your own house. you'd make the outside look so pretty. i'm jealous about your ability to do that.

[Bella]

Your garden is absolutely gorgeous, but I'd expect nothing less from you. Homegrown tomatoes are the best, aren't they?

[Heather]

OK, seriously.....did you put these baskets together yourself?? Or did you buy them already put together??? They are fantastic.........

[Sarah Grace]

I am just beyond impressed that you can keep plants alive... and that you have a yard? Actually we are moving in a week and while we don't have our own yard, per se, we do have a dog park right outside our door that's on the banks of the Hudson. I'll take what I can get (and envy your plants in meantime)! :)

[amandalouden]

beautiful flowers

[Mimi]

I can only hope to have a yard that nice someday...good job Fletch!

[Myrtle]

Just admiring all the pretty flower pics and over scrolled down to the Fletch/tool belt pic.. and thought "if I had that on, I would probably sit down and that hammer would give me a kick in the ass" ouch!
Sweet ambien is kickin in now.. so g'night...zzzzzzzz

[vicki]

Hi Jen
was sooo disappointed in the Sex and the City Movie too. I loved the series though. Great marriage advice. I've learned this in the last few years with my 2nd marriage and it actually feels real good to just keep the issues between each other. It's a sign of maturity--I think?

[elle the belle]

ahh jen, that all rings so true for me. i actually met you in boston - i was in that very last group of girls waiting to see you and told you how your relationship with fletch reminded me oh so much of my own. and this last post rings extremely true. i could for some reason never put my finger on why our Issues are never ISSUES and rarely more than issues in fact - but that's exactly it - we take it to each other, and our communication is key. especially since our Issues are usually about cleaning the apartment and remembering to empty the litter box - nothing to write home about. but man, do i appreciate that voice of reason - it gives me so much freedom to be absolutely crazy almost all of the time!

and btw i meant to ask when i saw you in boston... are we every going to get to meet fletch one of these times when you're out and about touring? not sure how he feels about it, but man he's got a pretty big fan base all his own ;)

[stefanie]

I agree completely on the keep it between us rule. I don't even talk to my girlfriends about any fights Jon and I might have. Our fights are fairly run of the mill as well and, really, he is my best friend so that's where my loyalty lies.

Okay, my biggest problem, but not nearly my only problem with SATC (and seeing as I have three fucking kids now, it's the only movie I will probably see all year so I'm doubly pissed) is that Big didn't even leave. He came back and Carrie freaked out. If a man can't have a bit of confusion (which he tried to voice) without having it be OVER FOR GOOD then what kind of relationship do you have. Also, I love Miranda and Steve but did they really have to do the "wait two weeks and we'll meet on a bridge"? seriously?

I'm going to keep commenting on your blog until I get a response missy!

[Marcy]

I love the flowers and plants, they are beautiful! All I get are plants with flowers eaten off by deer!

I missed you in Virginia - but I absolutely love, love, love your books. I couldnt stop laughing when I read your last one, I tried to read it to my husband but I couldnt stop laughing long enough.

I have been telling everyone (ok, those who will listen) about how excellent your books are.

I will have to try to catch you in Chicago next time I am there (grew up there).

[Lise J. Turner]

Yes, 100% agree with the Issue deal. After nearly 7 years of marriage and having lived far away from and 20 minutes away from family at one time or another, we've agreed it's best to keep it to ourselves. It's quite hard to do with a twin sister you tell everything to, but we as a couple find it strengthens our relationship NOT to let everyone in on all the details. The good is the good and the bad is the bad. If you choose the right person in life, you won't feel the need to let everything out to everyone...it'll be enough to have it between the two of you.

[Suzanne]

The garden photos are beautiful. Your comments on privacy in marriage and Sex in the City are spot on....

[A Jill of All Trades (Wendy)]

We have two more things in common: 1)having husbands with narrow asses (my son is following suit)and, 2)we keep our arguments/issues with our spouses between just us.

We even talked about that last week because he fears that I might talk about him/us on the internet or at work.

You just got bumped up a few more notches on my adoration meter!!!

[Wendy]

Jen-Awsome words of advice. Especially for someone newly married. And by newly married, My husband and I got married a week ago. Keep up the awsome blogging and books.

[Janine]

Husband fodder is just that - fodder. Funny fodder is the best kind of husband fodder.

I too complain about my husband in my blog, but I would never write about our really bad fights and issues.

Then I would have to take a closer look at myself and maybe admit I was wrong...and who wants to do that.

The backyard is lovely! I am jealous. Our gets overran by spiders. When the spiderwebs are our backyard decoration, I remain inside until my husband cleans it up (once a year).

[blackbird]

If you think I'd side with you over Fletch you're crazy.
Your garden is as pretty as a polo shirt with the collar flipped. With pearls.

[Erika]

You make a good point about the Sex and the City movie. I was at a movie theater the night of the opening and there were women there with up-do's, like it was prom night. Yes, it's nice to go out and feel cute, but why the follicular homage to fictional women?

You're absolutely right that "I'm wrong and I'm sorry" is the best medicine and that Issues are best kept within a marriage. Not only is it better for the intimacy and all that, it's way too much work to explain the tiny details of every fight to someone who's not involved.

[Amy]

you yard is so pretty!! wanna landscape mine out here in Vegas when I buy my place?

[Ange]

Did I just read above that we have to wait another year for one of your books?? Oh no no no no no!! That just isn't possible!! I read all 3 of your books in the past week and I need more!! Thank God for this website, I'd be lost!! Ok not really, but you get the point :)

Love the backyard, it's absolutely beautiful!

[Kelsey]

Thank you Thank you Thank you for being another person of who I can reference when friends and I get into Sex and The City arguments...
I have been the only one I know so far that has acknowledged how screwed up the Big/Carrie/Miranda situation was! Everyone else is all "boo Miranda.." whatever.
Are you available for hire for planting gardens in South Florida? Yard has a pool and jacuzzi and is on the water but still very, very boring looking except for the palm tree!!!
Love your posts, they make my day!!

[Nicole]

Lizzie... I totally understand your pain. My husband mowed over my peonies like 10 times in the yard this year so they never even bloomed. He stopped when I told him to cost to replace all of them. Fletch has quite the watering capabilities!

[rachel]

What an adorable haven. Looks so comfy and darlin'!
I love gardens. Good luck with the tomatoes, I'm hoping to start a garden next year. It's too damn hot here now to plant anything other than mosquitoes and swimming pools.

[EGE]

I'm with you, sister! Well, not on the plant thing. In this house, it would be ME not watering the plants and JOHNNY calling to yell at me about it -- to which my answer would be "So? I told you when I met you that I hated plants. You can't expect me to go changing to try to please you now."

But when I told the story on my blog, I'd make damn sure I looked like the asshole.

[Jamie]

wow - and wow

my hubby and I have the same rule but I didn't realize it was a rule until I read your post.

the yard? fabulous! I have those same pillows on our front porch! I have the biggest black thumb and am drooling over your flowers.

[Jamie]

wow - and wow

my hubby and I have the same rule but I didn't realize it was a rule until I read your post.

the yard? fabulous! I have those same pillows on our front porch! I have the biggest black thumb and am drooling over your flowers.

[LJ]

Fantastic backyard spread there. Total backyard envy (coming from Manhattan, foreign concept). Loved the Butterfingers and popcorn comment on SATC, by the way. Haha :)

[Angela in Nashville]

100% WORD on the SATC ending. Glad to know that I am not alone.

I just finished your third book (I read all three in June, no lie), and I think you are fantastic!!

More books, please. :)

[Jessica]

amazing idea for the grill, Jen!

[JRM]

Am I the only who hated the ending of that damn movie?

[Candy]

This weekend, as I was preparing a 7-layer dip that I was forced to reduce to 6 layers as I was unable to unearth any tomatoes at any store I went to, I would have paid you a small fortune for that tomato.

[MizFit]

wow.
all of that and you have PURPLE Adirondack chairs and table?

wanna adopt a thisclose to 40 year old Jewish woman who now resides in the ATX?

I heart the purple.

[LindaS.]

Real men water flowers.

Yay, Fletch!

:0)

[Kimmy]

I agree with you about sex and the city, it was such a disappointing movie.
I love your garden, it looks great. I can't plant flowers in mine, the squirrels come and tear the heads off of anything with flowers. I cope by growing a lot of mint for a lot of mojitos!

[Lara]

Oh, PS, I wrote about your book today! (Admittedly, I wrote a lot more about me than about your book, but I just thought you might want to know.)