And Speaking of Apologies

While I was on tour, a lot of you asked about Fletch.  I responded by sharing stories of his general ineptitude at taking care of himself/the household, e.g. the food poisoning incident (Part One Million) and the panic over not knowing how to deal with a maid with cat yack in her shoe and The Great Drycleaning Debacle.

In the course of this discussion, I explained my simple rule for a happy marriage.  For those of you who weren't there to hear it, my rule is to never, ever talk against your spouse when there's an actual problem.  (Bad cooking and cat puke bitchpanic don't count.)  (Actually, anything funny doesn't count.) 

When the rare Issue (as opposed to small-i issue) comes up and we get mad at each other, I don't go running to my friends or family or the internet.  I keep the Issue between us.  My thought is that if I bring someone else into my Problem, I begin to breach marital trust and drive a friend/family/internet-shaped wedge between us both.  My experience is when others get involved, people choose sides and what was an Issue becomes an ISSUE with battle lines drawn.  By keeping the problem between ourselves, the only other person I can obsess to is my partner.  There's no escalation.  Only talking to each other expedites solutions and makes for a harmonious life together. 

(Keeping this philosophy in mind, try to guess how much I liked the Sex and the City movie.  Seriously, if one glib comment kept Big from marrying Carrie, maybe the foundation of her relationship wasn't as strong as she thought, in which case she should have THANKED Miranda.)

(And the part where the kid answered the phone by saying "sex"?  UGH to the point of insulting my intelligence.) 

(And for everyone else, why are you still dressing up to view the film?  CARRIE BRADSHAW CAN'T SEE YOU IN THE AUDIENCE AND YOU'RE JUST GOING TO GET BUTTERFINGER SHARDS AND POPCORN GREASE ON YOUR PRETTY SKIRT AND SWEATER SET, NOT THAT I KNOW THIS FROM EXPERIENCE.)

Anyway, yes. 

Back to the topic at hand.

As a caveat, this keep-it-to-yourselves strategy works in my situation because generally I'm the hothead/blowhard and my spouse is usually the voice of reason.  One size of this advice may not fit all.  What will work for everyone is to learn the magic words, "I was wrong and I am sorry." Yeah, it's trite but truly, saying them can fix most anything.

And in case you're curious at my having brought up Problems and Issues, ours are rarely exciting or dramatic.  The most recent Issue occurred while I was on tour.  I convinced myself that Fletch wasn't taking care of the backyard like he should and I worked myself up into quite a lather over how I'd put all that work into making it pretty and that everything was going to die because he wasn't watering and damn it, I spent a lot of money and it's all going to go to waste and THIS IS BULLSHIT and why aren't you answering your phone to tell me everything is fine when I call you fifteen times in a row? 

(Answer?  Because he was in a meeting.)

By the way, this what I came home to:

Fletch loses no points for the graffiti-covered dumpster - that's not his doing.

If you look closely, you'll see how I re-purposed our old charcoal grill.  (Bonus points for me!)

Fine, he does lose a couple of points for the cigarette butts.

This one's my favorite. 

The shady side of the yard.

Can you see how big the tomato plant already is in the corner?  Am growing my own.  I plan to auction these salmonella-free beauties off to the highest bidder!  Who needs J.P. Morgan when I have MiracleGrow?

Again, it can't be said enough.  He did take great care of my plants while I was gone.

So I was wrong and I am sorry.

And I'm going to sell our tomato and make us rich.

Comments

[Lara]

What a beautiful backyard!

I SUCK at keeping my issues within my marriage. I think yours is very good advice, which I shall take from now on. Damn my need for validation that keeps me asking people if certain phenomena are normal.

[SarahL]

I completely agree about keeping it between each other. I am not currently in a relationship, but by what I have seen from my sister and cousin's current and past relationships, I think it is much better not to share everything with the family. My family is just starting to like my cousin's boyfriend (and baby daddy) because over the last 4 years they have been together, all we have heard is what he has done to piss off either my aunt or cousin. Now we are all starting to get to know him better, and are starting to think he isn't all that bad.

[mamikaze]

He dis a great jog. Your backyard is beautiful! I love your bright blue Adirondack chairs, too.

[Chris]

Aw, the plants are beautiful! My fiancee and I are having a huge issue, so today we're talking it out for a long time. He already did the "i'm sorry" part, as have I, now we need to find a solution. You did give wonderful advice!

[Jen on the Edge]

Damn woman, your next book might need to be "Bright Lights, Big Ass Tomatoes." You've got some mad gardening skillz.

As for not discussing serious relationship stuff on your blog -- Testify! And, amen sister!

[Liz C]

Wow - I was married for almost 30 years (finally got out, thx) and I can say that that is some kickass advice, both the 'keep it at home' and the 'I'm sorry' parts. I'm going to practice using it in my new relationship.

Teaching old dogs new trix ain't easy, but we're working on it.

I >heart< your yard!

[thecoconutdiaries]

It's always gives me a warm-fuzzy when my husband does something to remind me why I married him in the first place. Enjoy your "my husband's pretty awesome" moment!

Not to harp on SATC, but the Jennifer Hudson character still bothers me. What was the point? I am a brown person and sticking another brown person for sake of having a brown person in the credits was lame. Jennifer Hudson is a singer. If she's not gonna sing, there's no point in having her in the movie! 'I'm here for love'- Whatever! I would have believed it more if she said 'I'm here to get a record deal'.

[monica]

i cant believe i have to wait a whole fucking year for your next book. reccommend me somthing awesome PLEASE!!! NOW!!!!

i would have left this somewhere else but the page wouldnt let me... sorry maam

[dodim]

Oh My God. Next time you are in Denver will you come over and do a backyard consult? (Alcohol and appetizers would be provided) My yard is so... plain compared to yours. And? Now I realize it's ugly too!

[another jenn]

Fletch is STILL smoking?

Your gardens look beautiful. LOVE the blue chairs!

[nada]

Jen - great post. I have to say yay for your relationship rule! I think those are some great words to live by. Now, props for the garden. It looks great! Go outside and enjoy the sunny day before it turns into yet another storm over Chicago-land.

[jenn]

Bonus points for Fletch! Negative for my husband, who recently weedwhacked my mint patch for the THIRD year in a row. After being freaked out at the past two years and having had said patch pointed out to him explicitly.

Basically, I have no hopes for my hubs actually doing anything to keep my gardens alive. All I ask is that he not go all Terminator on them, which is apparently too much to ask.

[Lizzie]

I agree whole-heartedly. I think the problem with a lot of relationships is when either one or both of the people tell every little detail to their friends/family. You have to establish that marital trust, and realize that you shouldnt tell your best friend/mom/etc. EVERYTHING. Plus, when you are mad at your partner you tend to exaggerate the situation and omit the your culpability in the situation.

Then when you are over it, and your friends are still mad about it and then you go back and say well it was kinda my fault too or it wasnt so bad, they think you are just rationalizing it away. It just makes things sooooo sticky.

[Twenty Four At Heart]

You've done a great job! That's one of the things I miss most since my car accident ... I can't garden w/only one functioning arm ... especially since the one that works is my LEFT arm and I am right handed. Pretty flowers! I'm jealous!

[Jeni]

YES!!! To all of the above:

#1) That has ALWAYS been my relationship rule. I never want my family hating him because of some fight that we'll solve in a week, but they won't forget and vice versa. Not to mention all of our mutual friends.

#2) YES, SATC sucked! For all those reasons and so many more.

[maria]

Beautiful garden! My husband takes care of all my plants too, not cuz I am off touring the country, but because I am lazy and I forget.

[Karen in Boston]

Your flowers are GORG! I came to see you in Boston - arrived late (its challenging for a working girl to get ANYWHERE in Boston by 6pm!) but I did get to see you (super cute dress!) but I could not rationalize standing in that long line (you GO GIRL!)to meet you when it was such a lovely night and there was perfectly good outdoor cafe just steps away!

I'm sending you a little gift via your publicist - so if you receive a suspicious package nect week, pleae don't turn me into Homeland Security!!!

Catch you on the next go-a-round!

[Jennifer]

Love the chairs! Where'd you get them?

[Karen in DE]

BEAUTIFUL! I don't travel or "tour" and I can hardly remember that potted plants need water daily, so I have no one to blame but myself.

On another note, just finished all three of your hilarious books and look forward to sharing them with my mom this weekend. Something I wanted to share with my husband, and for the life of me, I could not find the reference in Pretty Fat - what DO you call man boobs? I know it made me laugh out loud, but forgive my early Alzheimers and just tell me, please?

[dawn]

how cute! i'm loving your blue adirondak table and chairs! is fletch available for hire? =)

[Yvonne]

Beautiful! Am very jealous.