Beached

I'm back from my roadtrip and I've got the ear infection to prove it.

(How's that for a stellar opening line?  You're drawn in, yes?  "Please, Jen, tell us all about your owie.  We've waited an entire week to read about your minor medical malady.")

Anyway, a few weeks ago I found out I had meetings at the same bat-time and bat-place where my friends were gathering for a girls weekend, so I cashed in some miles and packed my bag.

I didn't have any business until Saturday so we headed to the beach as soon as I arrived on Friday.  I was so psyched to get in the water - given the opportunity, I would wallow every minute from Memorial to Labor Day.  Plus, I hadn't been to the ocean for a good ten years and was delighted for the opportunity to see it again.  (I assumed it hadn't changed, but really, who knew for sure?)  And yeah, I'd been in Lake Michigan a lot but it's not the same and don't let any Midwest-ophiles try to tell you differently.  Nothing compares to a shoreline full of beach roses, boardwalks, and salty air. 

I grew up going to beaches all along the New England coast.  I figured swimming in the Atlantic is like riding a bike - you never forget.  Sure, maybe I'd have to re-perfect my wave-diving and body-surfing skills, but that would only take a minute. 

So, imagine my surprise when what looked like a gentle tide grabbed me by the shins, pulled me under, gave me a ten billion gallon swirlie, and then threw me onto a bed of jagged rocks and broken shells so forcefully that I skidded almost all the way back to my beach chair.

Huh, I thought.  Perhaps all those Bloody Marys on the plane made me a bit wobbly.  I should try again.

I waded to about ankle-deep when another teeny wave suddenly turned white and not only knocked me ass-over-teakettle but also wedged buckets of sand in every orifice.  And I mean EVERY.  (Please only concern yourself with my ear, since that's what got infected.)

Oh, ocean, I mused, I'll best you yet.  I'm just out of practice.

This time I dashed into the water full force, mouth wide open in Braveheart victory-cry.  Which is exactly how I ended up swallowing a hogshead full of briny water, seaweed, and possibly one dead jellyfish.

Sixteen increasingly unsuccessful tries later, I hauled myself back to my group, battered, bloody, and wearing what felt like a diaper full of sand, whispering only, "Ocean - monumental fail," before collapsing into my beach chair to suck down every bottle of Dasani we'd packed.

Moments after my egress, the lifeguard put up two huge red flags on either side of the exact places I'd been attempting to swim.  He must have been sitting in his tall chair the whole time, thinking, "The big, sturdy one keeps getting knocked over.  Hey... I wonder if there aren't some rip tides out there?"

I'm home again and the ear infection is a bit of a blessing.  Every time I tilt my head, I get dizzy, so I've been spending a lot of time sitting in my chair in front of the computer.  Which is good, considering I have to stop getting on planes and start writing this damn book.

Anyway, posting will be fairly light around here for the next month while I finish Pretty in Plaid.  I figure you guys won't mind because given the choice between a couple of extra blogs and a whole new book, you'd choose book, right?

As for me?  I'd choose beach.

Photo by Blackbird, body by Hostess.

 

Comments

[Tina]

Oddly, that post made me anticipate my time at the Cape Cod National Seashore all the more. However, riptides are no fun and why I avoided Atlantic beaches last week. Sucks you didn't know! Can't wait for the new book.

[A Jill of All Trades]

The big, sturdy one?!? HAHA!! I love your choice of words.

As for the buckets of sand in every orifice, all I could think about was an interesting twist on building sand castles.

:)

[Dani]

All I know is that it's almost 2:30 a.m. and I managed to hold in my laughter through your post. It was tough, at times. At certain points I even had to cover my mouth with my hand to shut myself up.

THEN.. Wendy had to go and mention her 20mph douche and I LOST IT.

[Sheri]

I grew up on the beach...I always have sand between my toes. But it had been a while since I played in the surf, so when my 7 year old god daughter asked..Aunt Sher want to sit in the waves with me..."Sure sweetie"
Let's just say ... I lost all dignity trying to get up after an hour of being pushed around by the mighty ocean and thank GOD for the detachable shower head cause I had sand in places I didnt even know I had!!! What beach Jenn...looks like the beautiful waters in the Cape...my home away from home Nauset maybe? Keep up the good work!!

[Born2Shine]

Ahhhh... I remember when I promised myself I'd rouse my tan from the grave this summer... I envy your beach trip. Though mayhaps not the infection. However, never one to pass up a challenge, I'll see you your infection and raise you 10340930934 paper cuts. Which I got from my job. Which is also why I don't have my glorious tan back.

Have to tell you, I just finished SAPF (In 2 days. Write longer books, please! Or tell me how to slow down my eyes) and I may or may not have a teensy weensy girl crush on you. Just wanted to tell you that I've since caught up on your blog since Dec. 2007 (but not in a stalker way) and was delighted to find you still post! Best of luck, Jen. You ROCK.

[In the Trenches of Mommyhood]

Fellow blogger here. Just started reading Such a Pretty Fat and wanted to let you know you have a new fan!

Off to Cape Cod to get knocked ass over teakettle by the roaring waves...perhaps I'll wear my earplugs after reading this post of yours.

[Courtney]

New book, new book, new book YAY!!!!! And I'd pick beach as well.

And just in case you want to hate me (not that you even know me but whatever...) I've never had an ear infection. Ever.

Now I'll probably get one tomorrow...

[Em]

Sils was absolutely right. I was a swimmer, bought "Swimmers Ear" - nice little ear solution drop containier - until I realized the main ingredient was isopropyl alcohol. Have refilled it ever since. Tilt your head to the side, place 5 drops in your ear (keep head tilted sideways so it doesn't spill out), pull on your earlobe a bit to make sure it gets in there, then tilt your head to the opposite side and the excess water will drain out (plus the alcohol will dry any up any remants). Repeat on opposite side. I use it every time I get out of the pool or ocean and make my kids do the same. You can just keep refilling the same container with the alcohol. If you don't have the proper contiainer, you can take the rubbing alcohol bottle and pour it delicately into the ear.

[kellypea]

Um...your "swirly" just may have beat my one confrontation with a water tube ride in Palm Springs years ago that cleaned out my insides because I forgot to cross my legs. Just finished Such a Pretty Fat and laughed my ass off -- okay, so even if my scale says otherwise. LOVE your writing, and I am well past 40.

[Rachael]

Oh yeah, and ear infections suck too!! :)

[Mom Taxi Julie]

I bought your second book today! Can't wait to read it :O)

[Rachael]

Jellyfish SUCK, dead or alive.

Can't wait to read your next book!!!! :)

[Chrissy]

oops..."too well". Sorry about that grammar slip. The 15 yr-old just asked to drive again and that tends to rattle me.

[Chrissy]

Jen, I've been devouring your books this summer. Hurray---a new book on the way!!

Because I tend to mimic what I hear/read/sing, I've been cussing quite a bit in my private thoughts. Because I have four children AND teach PreK, I may need to add some Jane Austen to my reading list before school starts. The F-bomb doesn't go over to well with the 4 yr-old crowd. :-)

[Kelly]

Yeah, I learned that lesson a couple years ago when Ernesto sent mini-hurricanes to the Jersey shore. If it's you against nature, mother nature will friggen kick yo ass! She likes to put us in our place every so often. This is why she's mother nature and not father nature- only a woman could be that bitchy. Father nature would try to con us into bringing him a beer or something...

[Gabbie]

I feel awkward because I'm only 18 and I can't get enough of your writing. I love your books so much! I can't wait for your next one.

[DENISE]

I finished Pretty Fat just a few weeks ago. I passed the book on to everyone I know, and we have all fell out of our chairs laughing our asses off. I was in the kitchen today and realized that everytime I passes my new, fancy garbage can with the automatic door opener it opened, even if I wasn't throwing anything out. Then I was looking in the refrigerator and the thing opened....my butt was making it opened and I was instantly taken back to you knocking a wine glass with your backside. I really like my trashcan all stainless steel to match the appliances,...but I may have to find a new one. I look forawd to reading the new book and reading your blogs when they are posted...
Luv ya

[sizzle]

Those rip tides are sneaky!

[Juicebox.mom]

Hilarious!! Please try to post, I get the best laugh of my day here :-)

[Jennifer McKenzie]

Yeah. I love the ocean.....from a distance. The same thing happened when I was a kid, only I wasn't as sturdy then as I am now so....I flipped end over end in the water.
Now, I only dip my feet in.
Of course, I live in Northern California (up by the Oregon Coast) and only surfers are crazy enough to SWIM in the ocean here. LOL.
Sorry about your ear.

[april]

Get busy writing! I'm addicted to your books and smartassery! ;)

[Emily]

When you said "monumental fail", it made me wonder - have you seen the fail blog? Just google "fail blog". It's so hilarious and suuuch a good procrastinating tool...I guarantee you will laugh your ass off!

Also I am overseas this year, and reading your blog makes me feel right at home again - so thanks :)
Emily

[Carrie]

You do what you gotta do lady. Just hope the ear is feeling better soon.

[Kristen Walker]

I'm for the finish the book and get better option. I hope you and your crew had fun despite your malady.

[sarah]

Yeah, I'm useless against the tide these days, too. I also grew up riding waves to shore on the East Coast, but 20 years (and 30 pounds) later, it's just not what it used to be.

Now I sit on the shoreline and make mud pies with the kid (this also accomplishes the *sand in every orifice* of which you speak).

[nadine]

wow, i'm impressed. personally, i haven't been in the ocean since i saw jaws. never mind how old that makes me.

can't wait for "pretty in plaid"!

[Susie Sunshine]

Was that little kid MOCKING US in the picture?!

[Molly]

Ms. Jen! Could you please leave open your comments so we all can entertain each other then?
I have found some great blogs through yours! Your fans are the best fans!

[shannon]

No beach in 10 years???? My god, I can't even... I have lived on the West coast my entire life- Seattle, Portland, LA and now SF. Jen, you must come to the California coast more often. Must! We totally read out here. Books, even! Will await West coast book tour announcement.

[Toasty]

I consider myself a damn fine cook, and I AM Rachel Ray, if you take away the annoying voice, inability to use measuring utensils and god awful penchant for Dunkin donuts coffee... I am breastacular too. Thanks Jen for that chapter. The commenter above reminded me how I laughed till I cried about the Rachel Ray stuff. Eyeball it, my ass!!!

[Maria]

Oh wow! A new book! I am soooooooo excited!

Hope the ear infection gets better they can be painful buggers!

All the best always,
M

[shannon d]

We went boating every weekend when I was a kid. I totally feel for you on the sand/oriface thing. ouch.

[dodim]

"The big, sturdy one keeps getting knocked over. Hey... I wonder if there aren't some rip tides out there?"

That is some funny shit - but threw my back out while camping this weekend so the pain is torture. Cannot read you again until I'm better.

Write, girl, WRITE!!!!!! Can you get it done early? Perhaps a Feb 13th release? (My birthday... would be the perfect gift...)

[Anndi]

Let's look on the positive side of the sand in every orifice thingy.... um.... you won't need dermabrasion there.

[Caribbeansue]

I had a similar experience at Orient Beach in St. Maarten. It is a "nude" beach - I'm not a nude beach person so I was wearing a fully functional suit when i went into the water...not so much on the way out after being tossed around and exfoliated from top to bottom! My hubby (once he saw I was OK) could not stop laughing - thanks so much for your support.
Rubbing alcohol in the ears after swimming is the best tip I have ever gotten. I do it all the time and it works great to get rid of water in the ear!

[EGE]

Oh, man. You picked the WRONG week to come to the East Coast. We've never had weather like this!

[AtlantaDebbie]

May I recommend the Redneck Riveria? Panama City, Florida to Gulf Shores Alabama? Beautiful white beaches, nice Southern people, clear warm blue water, and gentle waves. Much nicer than the French Riveria - FR water is pretty, but cold and beaches are rocky.

[Genelle]

Ick, I hope you feel better soon. I admire your determination to conquer the waves. When I went to Maui, all it took was one ass-over-teakettle experience to beach me. Oh and yes, EVERY orifice...3 days later I was still shaking sand out of my hair and other areas. The wave claimed my $10 sunglasses which meant that I had an excuse to buy a nice pair! Then some surfer dude found them "biting" his ankle.

[Jordiepie]

Hahaha, you said "diaper full of sand", oh the imagery!
Anyway, 1st comment on your sight,exciting. I've almost finished "The Trinity of Evil" a.k.a. YOUR BOOKS, love them, love your site, and might have a non-sexual crush on you! Fletch, I'm a moe, so no worries. :)
You were in Phoenix last month, only I didn't know, heart-broken??? More than a little bit. My partner-in-crime (aka-supervisor at work) and I want you to come back. Knowing that is totally enough to entice you to brave the scorching heat and idiot drivers to come back to see us, right?
Ok, maybe not.
I just requested you as a friend on Myspace, hoping to get through your strict Myspace approval process. Will definitely be worth it. There's a certain picture of me and two pink bowling balls that I'm sure you will love.
Enjoy yourself-and GET TO WORK, I'm almost done with "Such a Pretty Fat"....need more!

Laters!

[Kristi]

Jen, you need to come up with a more colorful way to say ear infection is all. When we were waiting for our plane last month, the guy sitting next to us was talking on his phone telling anyone who would listen that he had had "his shoulder surgically altered". Dude, you had a your rotator cuff repaired. "Surgically altered" my ass. Who are you, Steve Austin?

Anyway, hope your "parasitic infection of the auditory canal" feels better soon.

[Gina]

OMG - thank you so much for providng a great big guffaw in the middle of a really horrible day!!!

[JenniferH]

Jen,
I saw a perfect bumper sticker for you - "Jesus loves you but I'm his favorite". I think you should adopt this as your new mantra!

[Katie]

My recent vacation to California for laziness and boozing with my best friend included a trip to the beach. Even though I went in June and should have had the start of a tan at that point of the summer, I live in Oregon...where the sun didn't shine until almost July this summer. So, let's just say I was pretty pasty white. I'm lying on the beach with my friend reading a happy book, soaking up the sun, when two guys walked by, and one muttered (LOUDLY) "DAMN! That girl needs a tan!" My question: What exactly did he think I was doing lying sickeningly white on the beach all oiled up?

[Lisa Johnson]

Can totally relate to the sand in every orfice after having lived in Charleston SC for 8 years. You find it's possible to get a full body dermal ablasion.

Also, NEVER wipe out while water skiing with your legs straight out in front of you. You'll get the biggest deep water enema! Of course if you're going for a colonscopy your ace!

[Katie B]

You didn't happen to be wave diving in Newport, RI, by chance? That's where I was this past weekend and they had those lovely red cones up to prevent swimmers from getting sucked in by the riptide. My boyfriend loves the ocean and drags me in every time we hit the beach. I love it to obut I don't like when the waves toss me around like a rag doll, as in your encounter!! Hope you had fun at the beach otherwise!

[J]

sorry about your ear infection!!! i had a similiar gentle riptide experience last summer. have decided i'm more of a pool person now. hope you feel better!
J

[Autumn]

When my kid sister got Santa Barbara sand-diapered, I had to cut open her cleverly designed Ann Taylor swim suit lining to de-sand it when we returned to the hotel.

Makes for good memories after the fact, doesn't it?

What's with the pink eye? Everyone freaking has it, my mother had it last week and now I am having paranoid sympathy eye drainage because I read the posting from the gal who doesn't have children and contracted it.

God, I wish I wasn't so neurotic!

[Corey]

Ooph! That happens to me every time I go to the Outer Banks! I keep thinking THIS TIME I will conquer all! The only thing that seems to get conquered is my top of my bathing suit which always seems to end up twisted so not only do I eat sand, but I flash everyone too! Fun times!

Hope the writing goes well and your ear is better shortly.

[Paula]

Jen my mom and I just read your book bright lights big ass and we have come to the decision that you should so totally be our neighbor. We will let you be our queen even though we are neither fat nor gay. We will also join in on your hate for Rachel Ray and her breastacularness. We will be expecting you in a month.
thank-you for your book that made our sides hurt from laughing so hard

[jennster]

i live in hawaii, where many beaches are calm and tranquil and you can literally lay on the edge of the sand and just let the water wash gently over you. provided you aren't at pipeline of course!
but i grew up going to OC,MD,and almost drowned there when i was 13. Atlantic beaches are no joke! crazy ass water sucks you down and spins you around and the only way you get out is your concerned older brother yanking you out by the hair.
glad you had a fun weekend though, and i will think of you when i am sitting up north shore this weekend.
kisses!