Beached

I'm back from my roadtrip and I've got the ear infection to prove it.

(How's that for a stellar opening line?  You're drawn in, yes?  "Please, Jen, tell us all about your owie.  We've waited an entire week to read about your minor medical malady.")

Anyway, a few weeks ago I found out I had meetings at the same bat-time and bat-place where my friends were gathering for a girls weekend, so I cashed in some miles and packed my bag.

I didn't have any business until Saturday so we headed to the beach as soon as I arrived on Friday.  I was so psyched to get in the water - given the opportunity, I would wallow every minute from Memorial to Labor Day.  Plus, I hadn't been to the ocean for a good ten years and was delighted for the opportunity to see it again.  (I assumed it hadn't changed, but really, who knew for sure?)  And yeah, I'd been in Lake Michigan a lot but it's not the same and don't let any Midwest-ophiles try to tell you differently.  Nothing compares to a shoreline full of beach roses, boardwalks, and salty air. 

I grew up going to beaches all along the New England coast.  I figured swimming in the Atlantic is like riding a bike - you never forget.  Sure, maybe I'd have to re-perfect my wave-diving and body-surfing skills, but that would only take a minute. 

So, imagine my surprise when what looked like a gentle tide grabbed me by the shins, pulled me under, gave me a ten billion gallon swirlie, and then threw me onto a bed of jagged rocks and broken shells so forcefully that I skidded almost all the way back to my beach chair.

Huh, I thought.  Perhaps all those Bloody Marys on the plane made me a bit wobbly.  I should try again.

I waded to about ankle-deep when another teeny wave suddenly turned white and not only knocked me ass-over-teakettle but also wedged buckets of sand in every orifice.  And I mean EVERY.  (Please only concern yourself with my ear, since that's what got infected.)

Oh, ocean, I mused, I'll best you yet.  I'm just out of practice.

This time I dashed into the water full force, mouth wide open in Braveheart victory-cry.  Which is exactly how I ended up swallowing a hogshead full of briny water, seaweed, and possibly one dead jellyfish.

Sixteen increasingly unsuccessful tries later, I hauled myself back to my group, battered, bloody, and wearing what felt like a diaper full of sand, whispering only, "Ocean - monumental fail," before collapsing into my beach chair to suck down every bottle of Dasani we'd packed.

Moments after my egress, the lifeguard put up two huge red flags on either side of the exact places I'd been attempting to swim.  He must have been sitting in his tall chair the whole time, thinking, "The big, sturdy one keeps getting knocked over.  Hey... I wonder if there aren't some rip tides out there?"

I'm home again and the ear infection is a bit of a blessing.  Every time I tilt my head, I get dizzy, so I've been spending a lot of time sitting in my chair in front of the computer.  Which is good, considering I have to stop getting on planes and start writing this damn book.

Anyway, posting will be fairly light around here for the next month while I finish Pretty in Plaid.  I figure you guys won't mind because given the choice between a couple of extra blogs and a whole new book, you'd choose book, right?

As for me?  I'd choose beach.

Photo by Blackbird, body by Hostess.

 

Comments

[Manic Mommy]

Glad you are back!

[Kari]

Ear infections are the worst. Ouch! I fully excuse you from posting until you finish Pretty is the New Plaid. Take care of that ear!

[Karen in DE]

Judging from the color of the water, you HAD to be WAY south of the Delaware beaches.

Looking forward to P in P!

[Kathy]

Sorry about the ear. Hampton Beach in NH beats the crap out of me on an annual basis, yet I still go back to it.

I should have Quahog Mayor Adam West stab it! (Sorry, couldn't resist the Family Guy reference.)

[Erin]

I have totally been there from the giant swirlie, to the sand in EVERY orifice, to the body by Hostess, to the painful ear infection.

My question: Were the cocktails good?

[Poppy Buxom]

Hey, I was only dabbling my toes in the water when a big-ass wave crashed over me and I ended up soaking wet with sand in my ears, on my midriff, and in my hair. That was one wild ride!

Sand-filled pants off to you and Angie for sticking it out for as long as you did.

[Sils]

As someone who went through 4 sets of tubes in her ears as a child and has suffered through a rupturing eardrum 3 times -- rubbing alcohol. Put a few drops in your ear after swimming, it'll help prevent this kind of thing.

Not that it's so much an option if you're carrying on and doing 3-1-1, not if you pack like me. Do they even sell travel sized rubbing alcohol? I hate that whole liquids thing, it's a total racket.

[blackbird]

An olympic swimmer would have had difficulty last friday - I only just found out that there was a tropical storm off shore.
Your fail was spectacular as was the weekend.

Awfully sorry about your ear.

[Lisa P]

Don't feel too bad because as I sit here reading your post I am wiping tears of laughter from my good eye, since my other is glued shut from the apparent case of pink eye I contracted,(what am I twelve?..don't even have kids!) which would have been gone had I not been so vain as to wear my contacts prematurely to my 40th birthday party, where my brother casually informed me, "you have shit in your eye." I glared at him over my dirty,two-olived martini, "what?!" "Yeah, he says, when people don't wash their hands after they shit and then infect everything they touch." So, I'd take the ear infection from an ocean ass-kicking any day over getting shit-eyed!!

[Kim Wold]

1. So sad about the posting, but I am looking forward to Pretty In Plaid so much that I will wait with bated breath. I'm sure you will be relieved as well.

2. Beach water (and lake water, and pool water, for that matter) carries bacteria like everything else. You think water that has fish, algea, moss, boats and humans in it doesnt have bacteria? hah. hah. hah.

[Wendy]

ten billion gallon swirlie....
That reminds me of the time I tryed to water ski and got a 20 mile and hour douche.

[Jen on the Edge]

From reading what Blackbird, Poppy, and Wendy have said about the weekend, it sounds like it was a right good bacchanalia.

[The Modern Gal]

I have no doubt that the lifeguard was just waiting until you gave up to put the red flags out. They're evil like that :-)

[Twenty Four At Heart]

I live in Orange County, CA ... and have spent my entire life hanging on the beach. This was hysterical!! I hate to say this ... but we laugh at people like you when we see you attempt the beach!! Ha ha ... I can't stop laughing just reading about it! Thanks for making my day!!

[Middle Aged Woman]

My father-in-law tried that same project on the North Shore of Oahu. And when the ocean won, it celebrated by waving his swim trunks at him...from a distance.

[thecoconutdiaries]

Ummm...what the heck is in the water that could infect your ear???

[Chipperchick]

I have to admit it, I have a totally non-sexual crush on you (emphasis on "non-sexual")! I just finished reading "Such a Pretty Fat" and I literally almost peed myself when the Barbie head arrived. I attribute this to two things (1) its intrinisic hilarity, and (2) I'm in my mid-40s. This book totally ROCKED.

Thank you for brightening my world, and please accept my apologies for sharing the book with friends as I know it robs you of the extra sales. I'll let them buy their OWN copy of "Pretty in Plaid."

Now that I've FINALLY taken time to peruse your blog, well, it's the perfect refresher during a busy day.

Thank you for sharing your gift of words with us! Cheers

[Megan]

At least it was just one dead jellyfish... think about if you would have inhaled a live one- that would be painful. And as for the ear infection- at least its not your ass!

[Soren]

I sooooo feel you on this one-- I did the same thing, but in Hawaii... sigh. I had sand in my ears for 3 days, and when I finally did get out of the ONE FOOT of water I was apparently drowning in (and the ocean won the battle for my prescription sunglasses...) there was a lady beside me, with her 6 year old, saying See, told you there was an UNDERTOW.... I'm like, thanks lady, I could've used a HAND here.

Note to vacationers - the dangers of the North Shore? Transfer to the opposite shore in February :)

Jen-- please post a little, these really make my day!

[mikki]

Oooh... riptides... OUCH!

Not loving the light posting. But, definitely looking forward to Pretty In Plaid! Have an ETA yet?

[Double Agent Girl]

You rock girl! Party at the beach is better from the chair anyway. It's hard to rationalize all the lovely margaritas you miss while sipping saltwater.
I do, however, wonder how many calories a dead jellyfish contains? Crustalicious.
You rock my madras plaid world.

[MizFit]

I feel for you with the ear infection.

and Id NEVER use my Toddler Tornado's NUMBING DROPS when I have one from swimming too much.

because that would be wrong right?

and Im giving a big ole sigh o'sadness about the light posts.

what if we all offered to ghost write the book for you? would we get snark snippets galore up in herre?

it could be like choose your own adventure.

only ass-hat'ier and more disjointed.

MizFit