This Is What Procrastination Looks Like

Yesterday my friend Danny put this up on his blog. 

Everything about the entry made me bark with laughter because it so perfectly captures the essence of an author on deadline.  I was tempted to send him a note and a photo of my garden, saying, "Oh, honey, no.  THIS is what writer's block looks like." 

If I didn't have a book due, I'm sure I'd have thrown down a couple of geraniums and impatiens and called it done.  Instead, I concentrated my efforts, blending a hundred different kinds of plants together with the same singular dedication and precision only witnessed in lovestruck teen-aged boys starring in John Hughes films when they're making mixed tapes to woo Molly Ringwald. 

(Did I just date myself here?  If so, substitute "Nick Hornby book" for John Hughes movie and "Kate Winslet" for Molly Ringwald.) 

(If you have to substitue "Justin Timberlake video" and "Lauren Conrad" you're probably too young for my sense of humor.)

Anyway, my writer's block is a little different from Danny's.  It's not that I can't get out the words; they're there - all I have to do is sit at the computer and let them out.  Rather, when I'm on deadline, I find so many other things in my life that suddenly need to be fixed, planted, organized, and researched, like, right this minute.  Sure, I can work on my book... but not until I've rearranged everything in my bathroom cabinet, grouping hair products by size and manufacturer on the first shelf, face lotions and potions on the second, and body stuff on third, with requisite thinking breaks where I try to determine if an all over self-tanner should be housed on two or three as it's mostly for body but really, I'm only interested in tanning my face although I do get my neck and a bit of my shoulders and I wonder if I shouldn't install a fourth shelf for this very reason?

Occasionally this obsessive work avoidance is a good thing.  Take last year, for example. I found myself working out rather than working on my manuscript.  Yeah, it slowed my writing down, but it sure sped up my metabolism.  More recently, I fell into a bit of an internet rabbit hole yesterday while researching flight miles and I came out with a Gold membership reward level on American Airlines!  I can't really explain how I got the upgraded status, but it has to do with an unofficial Gold/Platinum challenge (that I still don't understand) and also a whole lot of time spent/links referenced to solidify my case.

Point? 

Who cares about the details when my procrastination has made me likely to get upgraded to First Class on my upcoming vacation?  Woo!!  The only down side is that Fletch isn't a Gold member and won't get the upgrade.  He says he's fine with coach as long as I don't get all obnoxious and officious and rub it in. 

(I make no promises.)

Again, point?

I'll be wallowing poolside this Fourth of July weekend and this is the book with which I plan to wallow:

Is there anything better than a deliciously trashy novel, read while sitting in a tepid body of water, frosty tropical drink in hand?

No.  No, there's not. 

Anyway, Tan Lines isn't officially released until July 8, but sometimes you can find books in the store early.  If you can't get one yet, don't fret.  I've been meaning to write up a reading list for a while, so why not do it right this minute in lieu of getting any further on my manuscript which is due at the end of the summer and which I won't get to for about five days while I'm poolside AND THERE'S NO STRESS HERE?

Thus I give you Jen's Summer Reading Series.  (Now with links that actually go where they're supposed to and one more bit of required reading.)

I highly recommend any of the following for all your beach-read needs:

Bringing Home the Birkin by Michael Tonello - I loved this book SO MUCH.  Tonello describes his pursuit of the Hermes Birkin bag in such beautiful places that I actually felt like I was somewhere exotic, and not just stuffed in a middle seat on my way to Cincinnati.  I would also like him to be my gay boyfriend but I suspect I'd feel all untucked and ungainly next to him.  He's completely FAB.

Girls in Trucks by Katie Crouch - I'm obsessed with books about Southern women and this one does not disappoint.  Southern sensibility plus ennui equals a riveting novel. 

Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin - Another great story by Giffin.  I think she's brilliant because she has the ability to make me feel like I'm living inside her character's head.

Chasing Harry Winston by Lauren Weisberger - I ignored the less than flattering reviews and bought the book anyway.  Because you know what?  Sometimes critics are just jealous.  Chasing Harry Winston is big fun and Weisberger does a great job creating three distinct and diverse heroines.  THIS should be the next book made into a Sex and the City-type series.  Loved it! 

Are You There Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler - I bought it for the title alone and laughed the entire way through it.  I'd want us to be friends, too, but I'm afraid she'd be the funny one and I just can't have that. 

Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp by Stephanie Klein - I inhaled this book like a bag of Cheetos.  Fascinating and raw, I was not able to put it down.  (Except to get more candy.)

Driving Sideways by Jess Riley - This is the ultimate roadtrip book.  Jess busts out the word "shittastic" within the first two pages and that alone makes it worth buying right this minute.  (Available at Target, too!)

Half-Assed by Jennette Fulda - A weight loss memoir where the author not only doesn't hate herself, but also loses half her body weight by working hard.  Read it and be inspired!

The Gatecrasher by Madeleine Wickham - Even though I love me some Becky Bloomwood/Sophie Kinsella, I really dig when Wickham puts out books under her real name.  These novels are often a bit darker and she doesn't tie every ending up with a giant, shiny, very American bow.  Definitely worth a read.

All We Ever Wanted Was Everything by Janelle Brown - Oh my God, this one consumed me for four straight days.  I was so wrapped up in it I didn't even use my iTouch on the plane back from Boston, which is really saying something since I had new episodes of both Denise Richards' and Dina Lohan's new shows.  It is an AMAZING novel of loss, redemption, and, best of all, revenge.   

OK, that's about it.  I have officially exhausted everything else I can do to procrastinate working on the new book. 

So I shall bid you a safe and happy holiday, and leave you with two of the sweetest words ever to be uttered:

VEGAS, BABY!

Comments

[Rock and Roll Mama]

WHOA! This explains my pantry. I have an article due in 2 weeks and 2 books under construction (not that anyone ever cares if I actually finish them, so less stress on that) and totally ripped apart my pantry and installed drawers in it the other night. For nine hours. Then it was the fridge yesterday...I'm seeing a pattern here. I was going to clean out my freezer today, but I think you've inspired me to go...you know...write.:)

[princess stephani]

I love Lauren Weisberger...the Devil Wears Prada is/was one of my faves, also am currently going thru Harry Winston...but with a 2 yr old, not a lot of time...also...VEGAS....WOO HOO!

[Kate]

My house ONLY gets clean when I'm on deadline.

[Dani]

Hooray vacations and summer reading! My copy of Bitter is the New Black looks like it's been through a war since I brought it on a cruise and wouldn't stop touching it with my wet chlorine-y hands.

Anyone looking for more Tan Lines-esque summer trashy reading might want to check out any of Wendy Holden's books...they fly by and are great fun.

[Mimi]

Oh, and stoked that you are working on another book!!

(Yes, I said "stoked" but it is ok because my husband is from southern California and I, unfortunately, absorb every slang word and accent from any part of the country like the New England accent-less sheep that I am).

[Kate]

Jen,
I so should be vacuming,dusting, clothes washing, etc.. but I'm online reading you and drinking coffee instead.

[Mimi]

Ha!! I am a fourth year doctoral student and during the time that I have been pursuing this advanced degree I have :
rearranged all my photo albums coordinating the year with the color and size of the albums used, created the most complicated and gloriously organized filing system EVER, painted every room in my house, and thrown myself into (and I mean deep into) volunteering a local kitty shelter.

sigh.

I may never graduate.

[Beej]

A writer always has the cleanest closet.

That being said, I have gallons of motivation to work on my book. My manuscript is in my car, waiting for me to finish editing it at lunch. I would rather do that right this instant than sit here at work pretending to work on a day before a three day weekend. That, my friends, is my idea of hell.

[Molly]

Did I miss something? You switched to a touch phone? Not using Blackberry anymore? Just curious.

Also just finished reading Loving Frank by Nancy Horan - five stars out of four - faboo!

[Beauty411]

I just finished Chasing Harry Winston and loved it! I hope they make it into a movie. Thanks for the other recs; will definiteley check them out.

[Baetrice]

My main plan for the long weekend is reading in my newly put together backyard. My useful BF...ahh, they are the best...put together a patio and stoop (we can't call it a deck because then the town police will wonder about permits and all that tiresome paperwork!)I'm looking forward to trying out.

Like many here Miss Jen is at the top of my reading list. I'm 1/2 way through Pretty Fat, and its totally awesome. I love books that have me laughing out loud. I'd like to add to the recommendation list "The Spellman Files" by Lisa Lutz (and the follow-on book "Curse of the Spellmans"). The books are funny, quirky, and simply a lot of fun to read.

Happy 4th to all.

[debbie/seattle]

i hope you are working on another book, missy. get crackin' - i'm dying for another installment.

i and a friend went to a certain diet-chain business a few years back. when they weighed me - they told me i was 2 inches shorter than i am! i think it was their way to sell more dehydrated molten, chocolate brownies and canned chicken a 'la king - which, broken and more disgusted with myself than when i arrived - i did. so every week my friend and i would quickly sprint around the strip mall, pretending we were on our way to the coffee shop or the pet store...oh the shame! Once the coast was relatively clear, we'd go inside, meet up with our cheery and thin consultant, get weighed and buy the food. We did this for weeks! every week we spent more money than i wish to think about - when i could have been purchasing handbags and shoes! but, alas, it was my ex-husband's money i was spending. so what do i care.

so get to writing...

a faithful reader: divorced and still pleasantly plump,

Debbie

[Elana Jablon]

Thank god for your summer reading list.
I went to Borders to look for books that were similar to yours because they're kind of all I can think about reading right now, and they were not so helpful... because they had no memoir section.
The B&N in Bowling Green, KY had a memoir section (which is where I found/fell in love with your new-est memoir)
I'm looking forward to reading most of these! Borders/B&N/nearest bookseller here I come!

[Salena - The Daily Rant]

I finished SAPF last week, just bought Bitter a few days ago and finished THAT and now I'm off to buy Bright Lights. LOVE your writing and if I may say, I think I love you! LOL

Can't wait to delve into this last book and then will be waiting impatiently for your new one.

I also printed out your suggested reading list. I'll definitely look into some of those - especially the Girls In Trucks one -I also like books about Suthun' women.

Have fun in Vegas - although I can't imagine how you can since it's a MILLION effing degrees out there. I just left Phoenix and it was 118.4 degrees there while we were sitting in the sun loading our truck. I don't know WHO came up with that "dry heat" crap.

Anyway....have fun. Hit the spa, not the craps table!

[Valeri in Fort Worth]

Thanks for the list. I already ordered a few. Amazing how we think we know you well enough to trust your choices...

xo

[k2]

So, when are you coming to Vegas to pimp your book and not for vacation?

[Debbie Mays]

I havent had time to read for fun in ages. My husband and I are touring this summer doing children's music. I was hanging out in Target ( beats the motel 6 my romantic guy had me staying in...) and saw your book " Such a pretty fat". I just knew it was written about me as I hear all the time " you have such a pretty smile"and I know they are totally wanting to say - if you would just lose weight you would be beautiful. I laughed and laughed and blogged about you and your book. What a candid look at what seriously could have been my life. Of Course, on your book tour you are in fancy hotels and receiving gifts - I am in the " love hotel " you can rent by the hour and only receiving strange looks. I told my husband I am sure they were wanting to know how much he had to pay for my services. Anyway, if I only had a short time to sneak in some reading for fun I am certainly glad it was your book. I am one of your newest fans! Now, I plan to go out and buy any other books you have written before this whirlwind tour is over and my life gets crazy again. Thanks!

[Heather B.]

Good lord, I need to catch up on my reading. You would think that with all the time I spend on planes that I'd read a damn book every once in awhile. But I do not. Sad, isn't it?

(Except for your book of course. And when Danny's book comes out I will read his, too)

[Linda]

I follow the same Theory of Bathroom Cabinet Arrangement but have added a very Jeff-Lewis-all-labels-must-face-the viewer!

[Carrie]

Awesome. I'll check those out. But I'm taking Bitter is the New Black on my vacay in a few weeks. You know, because I like to read your books backwards. Yeah, well whatev. :)

[Karina in T.O]

Whoa! Hold up, sister! VEGAS, BABY????!!!

Am totally, fully fucking jelous. Love Vegas, like a fat kid loves Oreos. I've been known to wander around The Forum Shops for hours upon hours....back in the days when I smoked, it really was heavan on earth to strut around that mall with a menthol light bitch-stick....good times, good times.

In one of your future posts please give me details. Smells, sounds the whole experience of the pure, pristine Vegas casino air.....I insist.

[Karina in T.O]

Great book list. How do I know, because I already eyed Chasing Harry Winston in the bookstore a couple of weeks ago, and have already added it to my Amazon.com wishlist, and last week while my girlfriend and I were going for our morning coffee run, (which conveniently leads us into the bookstore in our underground mall...like, every day, sometimes twice!) I spotted Are You There Vodka, Its Me, Chelsea, on one of the front shelves. We laughed are asses off like a couple of shrews for a couple of minutes. Will. Totally. Be. Bought.

And I adore anything by Emily Griffin, just finished Baby Proof, and as always loved it. Will be slappin' Love The One Your With on my Amazon list as soon as I'm off here.

And hey, y'all may dig Tabloid Love, by Bridget Harrison. Funny as hell memoir of her exploits when she was a reporter for The New York Post.

Cheers!

[Jessica]

I devour trashy beach reads, esp. some nice dysfunctional V.C Andrews and Belva Plain, though I have been classin' it up with a dash of "Bright Lights, Big Ass", lately ;)

[Jessica]

I devour trashy beach reads, esp. some nice dysfunctional V.C Andrews and Belva Plain, though I have been classin' it up with a dash of "Bright Lights, Big Ass", lately ;)

[Maria]

I found one of your books by accident and I have to say I simply loved it inhaled it actually! I had barely finished when I was ordering the next from Amazon.

I am now reading "Bitter is the new Black" and I am up to your wedding and I just wanted to cry and get married right away.

I do need a fiance first and a boyfriend but right after that!

Love your honesty, thanks and all the best always, Maria

[JNae]

Bless you for posting reading suggestions! It's slim pickin's on Amazon's "Recommended for You"!

Keep the recommendations coming!

[Melinda]

Well I would simply like to say thank-you Ms. Lancaster for writing fantastic books that have really entertained me while I lay here recovering from foot surgery!!

You were recommended to me by my sister-in-law and I have become a huge fan. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you....

[Poppy Buxom]

I hear you loud and clear.

For the past decade, my presence on the internet has been based on the notion that I have something really important to do ... so it must be time to check my email.

[MizFit]

oh that my writers block were as PRODUCTIVE as yours.
sigh.
my yard is barren as is my page.
My bookshelves? NOT.
love so many of those you mentioned and getting the rest ASAP.
(uh The Manny? I thought that would be a fab mind candy experience. Ick. Dropped it once in the bath, read a few more pages and plunged that chickenbus underwater permanently.)

M.

[Courtney]

YAY book recommendations!!!!!!! PS, I have been a huge fan ever since your first book. I just bought your third (I blame grad school for the delay) and can't wait to start it tonight.

Thanks for all the laughs!!!!

[sadira]

I hear you on the procrastination...I can always tell how much is going on in my life (or needs to be) by how organized all my clothes/closet it...procrastination=folded and color coded clothing and accessories.

[Jeanne in Montana]

I love the book teasers!

I dropped a line to Oprah suggesting Jen as a wonderful potential guest...

[Lara]

Okay, I read like a maniac and I have only read ONE of those books. WTF is wrong with me? ;)

[Cyndi]

Speaking of books about Southern women, have you read any of Celia Rivenbark's books, Jen? With titles like "Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like A Skank," and "We're Just Like You, Only Prettier," they are right up your alley. I have read two of three books by her, and thoroughly enjoyed them - not as much as your book, mind you, but they're good, fun readin'.

[Cindy from Cincinnati]

Thank you for your book list! Just in time for my weekend at the pool! Loved "I was told there'd be Cake" and just finished "He loves me, He loves me not". I liked "Driving Sideways", though it hit too close to home for me. (My mom had a kidney transplant.) Please keep telling us what you've read and loved! Have fun in Vegas!

[Kristin]

Enjoy Vegas, baby!

I'll be there at the end of August, sweating like never before!

(Hey, it's a DRY HEAT, right? Right???)

[Even God Is Single]

SO GLAD you have a pool this 4th. Can't wait to hear how the day goes. You'd better blog it out!

Finished SAPF yesterday. You wouldn't believe how much publicity you've gotten just from me laughing hysterically out loud in public reading your books. Everyone I know is hooked...

Keep rockin it.

[Kim]

Thanks for the great list! I need a new read so I'll be checking some of these out for sure.

I'm am SO, the same way about procrastination. Suddenly the rest of my house gets way more organized when I have work to get done. Perils of working from home I guess! Happy 4th!

[JRM]

Love Emily Giffin, hated the ending to that book. I'm having issues with endings lately.

[pineapple]

Not to enable the procrastination...buuuuuuuuuuuut...

Ok so I wanted to ask you a question in Boston, but was so OMGJENLANCASTEROMGOMGOMG! overwhelmed that I couldn't remember.

SAPF has a footnote mentioning "Hasselof: The Chest Hair Manifesto"

what is this? where can one get this? I feel I must read this fantasticalness especially since THIS: http://www.artforrobots.com/_images/cartoon/strip_03-2_md.gif

has been provided to clothe our office trophy by me.

I do not per say, enjoy the Hoff...but I am intrigued by this possible 10-page manifesto!

[Allison]

Totally agree about Bringing Home the Birkin - AWESOME book. And I'm glad Michael won't be your new gay boyfriend, because he is destined to be MY new gay boyfriend. Whether he knows it or not.

[Allison]

Totally agree about Bringing Home the Birkin - AWESOME book. And I'm glad Michael won't be your new gay boyfriend, because he is destined to be MY new gay boyfriend. Whether he knows it or not.

[Sue]

I am also OBSESSED with books about Southern women...while I was born in Savannah, my husband likes to point out we moved when I was 3 months old, so it doesn't count. (It does!) My poor 7 year old had to go through the grocery store with my "talking Southern" the other day. I wouldn't stop until she admitted I was, in fact, "southern." It's a sickness : )

[The Modern Gal]

I am reading this post in order to procrastinate from my own writing assignment.

Do I win?

[Alisha in Ohio]

I went out and got Bringing Home the Birkin after you sugggested it in Cinci- LOVED IT! (though I had to wait 3 weeks for the library to order it!) I've heard great things about Handler too so she is on my wish list. Though I'm most anxiously awaiting a new memoir by some fab-tastic writer who sweats chardonnay and has the best sense of humor I've ever read!

oh and can you please come back to Cinci to reorg and beautify my garden? I wish it looked like that!

[April]

Great book list... I've already read over half of them, love them!!! Especially "Are You There Vodka...". I know we talked about this in Minneapolis... but you and Chelsea are TOTALLY my imaginary BFF's :)

[Amy]

hee hee I've read almost ALL of those books already but didn't really like Chasing Harry Winston much. Enjoyed reading it, but just, MEH overall. So predictable.

SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND!

[MalibuMamma]

My blog won't post.

[Kathy]

Ah Jen,
You have "But first" disease. I was going to clean my house, but as I tidied up my room I found a half-read magazine. I know I need to clean, but first I need to finish this magazine so I can throw it away. See where I am going? Procrastinators know this very well. My mother taught it to me.

[MC]

Jen, (I call you by your first name because I think we'd be BFFs if we knew eachother)

can you make the reading list a regular thing? i just found you a week ago yesterday and i'm already on your second book. love it!

Can I suggest one? it's been out for years but i read it in one sitting.

Lil' Mamas Rules by Sheneska Jackson...laughed, cried...all of the above.