This Is What Procrastination Looks Like

Yesterday my friend Danny put this up on his blog. 

Everything about the entry made me bark with laughter because it so perfectly captures the essence of an author on deadline.  I was tempted to send him a note and a photo of my garden, saying, "Oh, honey, no.  THIS is what writer's block looks like." 

If I didn't have a book due, I'm sure I'd have thrown down a couple of geraniums and impatiens and called it done.  Instead, I concentrated my efforts, blending a hundred different kinds of plants together with the same singular dedication and precision only witnessed in lovestruck teen-aged boys starring in John Hughes films when they're making mixed tapes to woo Molly Ringwald. 

(Did I just date myself here?  If so, substitute "Nick Hornby book" for John Hughes movie and "Kate Winslet" for Molly Ringwald.) 

(If you have to substitue "Justin Timberlake video" and "Lauren Conrad" you're probably too young for my sense of humor.)

Anyway, my writer's block is a little different from Danny's.  It's not that I can't get out the words; they're there - all I have to do is sit at the computer and let them out.  Rather, when I'm on deadline, I find so many other things in my life that suddenly need to be fixed, planted, organized, and researched, like, right this minute.  Sure, I can work on my book... but not until I've rearranged everything in my bathroom cabinet, grouping hair products by size and manufacturer on the first shelf, face lotions and potions on the second, and body stuff on third, with requisite thinking breaks where I try to determine if an all over self-tanner should be housed on two or three as it's mostly for body but really, I'm only interested in tanning my face although I do get my neck and a bit of my shoulders and I wonder if I shouldn't install a fourth shelf for this very reason?

Occasionally this obsessive work avoidance is a good thing.  Take last year, for example. I found myself working out rather than working on my manuscript.  Yeah, it slowed my writing down, but it sure sped up my metabolism.  More recently, I fell into a bit of an internet rabbit hole yesterday while researching flight miles and I came out with a Gold membership reward level on American Airlines!  I can't really explain how I got the upgraded status, but it has to do with an unofficial Gold/Platinum challenge (that I still don't understand) and also a whole lot of time spent/links referenced to solidify my case.

Point? 

Who cares about the details when my procrastination has made me likely to get upgraded to First Class on my upcoming vacation?  Woo!!  The only down side is that Fletch isn't a Gold member and won't get the upgrade.  He says he's fine with coach as long as I don't get all obnoxious and officious and rub it in. 

(I make no promises.)

Again, point?

I'll be wallowing poolside this Fourth of July weekend and this is the book with which I plan to wallow:

Is there anything better than a deliciously trashy novel, read while sitting in a tepid body of water, frosty tropical drink in hand?

No.  No, there's not. 

Anyway, Tan Lines isn't officially released until July 8, but sometimes you can find books in the store early.  If you can't get one yet, don't fret.  I've been meaning to write up a reading list for a while, so why not do it right this minute in lieu of getting any further on my manuscript which is due at the end of the summer and which I won't get to for about five days while I'm poolside AND THERE'S NO STRESS HERE?

Thus I give you Jen's Summer Reading Series.  (Now with links that actually go where they're supposed to and one more bit of required reading.)

I highly recommend any of the following for all your beach-read needs:

Bringing Home the Birkin by Michael Tonello - I loved this book SO MUCH.  Tonello describes his pursuit of the Hermes Birkin bag in such beautiful places that I actually felt like I was somewhere exotic, and not just stuffed in a middle seat on my way to Cincinnati.  I would also like him to be my gay boyfriend but I suspect I'd feel all untucked and ungainly next to him.  He's completely FAB.

Girls in Trucks by Katie Crouch - I'm obsessed with books about Southern women and this one does not disappoint.  Southern sensibility plus ennui equals a riveting novel. 

Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin - Another great story by Giffin.  I think she's brilliant because she has the ability to make me feel like I'm living inside her character's head.

Chasing Harry Winston by Lauren Weisberger - I ignored the less than flattering reviews and bought the book anyway.  Because you know what?  Sometimes critics are just jealous.  Chasing Harry Winston is big fun and Weisberger does a great job creating three distinct and diverse heroines.  THIS should be the next book made into a Sex and the City-type series.  Loved it! 

Are You There Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler - I bought it for the title alone and laughed the entire way through it.  I'd want us to be friends, too, but I'm afraid she'd be the funny one and I just can't have that. 

Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp by Stephanie Klein - I inhaled this book like a bag of Cheetos.  Fascinating and raw, I was not able to put it down.  (Except to get more candy.)

Driving Sideways by Jess Riley - This is the ultimate roadtrip book.  Jess busts out the word "shittastic" within the first two pages and that alone makes it worth buying right this minute.  (Available at Target, too!)

Half-Assed by Jennette Fulda - A weight loss memoir where the author not only doesn't hate herself, but also loses half her body weight by working hard.  Read it and be inspired!

The Gatecrasher by Madeleine Wickham - Even though I love me some Becky Bloomwood/Sophie Kinsella, I really dig when Wickham puts out books under her real name.  These novels are often a bit darker and she doesn't tie every ending up with a giant, shiny, very American bow.  Definitely worth a read.

All We Ever Wanted Was Everything by Janelle Brown - Oh my God, this one consumed me for four straight days.  I was so wrapped up in it I didn't even use my iTouch on the plane back from Boston, which is really saying something since I had new episodes of both Denise Richards' and Dina Lohan's new shows.  It is an AMAZING novel of loss, redemption, and, best of all, revenge.   

OK, that's about it.  I have officially exhausted everything else I can do to procrastinate working on the new book. 

So I shall bid you a safe and happy holiday, and leave you with two of the sweetest words ever to be uttered:

VEGAS, BABY!

Comments

[Jenny]

I'm pretty sure that Denise Richards and I are supposed to be friends in real life. The Lohan show didn't last past 3 episodes with me, though.

[Sara]

Just thought you should know who's on my reading list for my vacay this weekend: you! And I actually bought it instead of getting it at the library, because I am just that nice. I'm making myself wait until I actually leave to dive in or I know I'll be done before I even leave town. I'll be following that up with The Slummy Mummy AND the Yummy Mummy. I totally heart British chick-lit. And too bad I read your post AFTER I hit the library and bookstore!

[Jeni]

You and Danny both need to read Bird By Bird, by Anne Lamott. It's all about the writing process and what a bunch of freaks writers are. It's tender and funny. Perfect.

[PaintingChef]

Chelsea Handlers other book "My Horizontal Life" is also side-splitting!

Also? I couldn't go without reading "sTori Telling" (Tori Spelling's book)...

[Naomi]

Jen - I just back from Vegas myself 2 days ago and spent most of the time at the pool reading your book! I did get a compliment from the pool guy at the Flamingo about your book. Just thought I would let you know. Have fun!

[LunaChickNYC]

I can totally testify for The Chhelsea Handler book - it was hysterical. An added bonus was that I now get to sit by myself on the bus as anyone who commuted with me while I read it is convinced I am mentally challenged. Moose is also a must read for all fat chicks - Stephanie Klein knows us!

[Shawna R. B. Atteberry]

I hate housecleaning unless I need to be writing. I was thinking about cleaning out the bedroom closet today. Book proposal? What book proposal?

I got married in Vegas. It's a great city. Have fun!

[Danny]

I rank being blogged about by Jen Lancaster among the greatest thrills of my life. I haven't been this excited since I learned that sometimes doggie boners look like baby carrots.

[Ashley]

I work in a bookstore and completely agree with your reading list. In fact, 75% of it is sitting next to my bed awaiting reading. Best of the list: "Bringing Home The Birkin" and "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea."

[margalit]

I concur with many of your suggestions. I LOVED Moose. Raw is the right word. I reviewed it on my review site a while back. Also loved Bringing Home the Birkin, especially the packaging. It was brilliant. Book totally cracked me up, especially descriptions of the shopgirls. And just finished Driving Sideways this morning. The ultimate road trip book. That Denise...what an interesting character!

Now I'm about to start Love the One You're With.

My secret for writer's block? Cut out the caffeine. Once your brain is a bit calmer, you can at least think. But like you, I tend to DO rather than just sit around. Which is why MY garden is ultra fab, just like yours!

[Jenn]

Chelsea Handler is absolutely hysterical. I can't wait to read her book... I feel like it will be the female counterpart to Tucker Max's "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell".

[Sarah]

I had a chance to go to Vegas this weekend too!! One of my friends won a seat with World Series of Poker and some people are heading out there with him to cheer him on. Unfortunately it was too short of notice for me to get off work :(
Have fun!!!

[Becky Kinzel]

Hey Jen! I was in Vegas 1 week ago and tried the poolside thing with YOUR book (Bitter is the New Black) in hand.... It was 114 degrees, my drink came after 25 minutes of waiting, I drank it in 3.5 seconds, I managed another 7 minutes and then dragged my wilted carcass back into the air conditioning where I belonged. Just a warning!!! (By the way - I loved, loved, loved the book! you are my hero!)

[Linsey]

HELP! Links are not all 100%

Fix, please, yes?

[Ginny]

Great list! Just an FYI, though--when I try to click on Jess Riley's book link it sends you to Stephanie Klein's instead :)

[Undomestic Diva]

Just did a review of Love The One You're With on my blog... I've been a fan of Emily Giffin's and this book started off slow but I couldn't put it down when I got to the last 75 pages or so. Also a great, fun & fresh-style read is Jill A. Davis' "Ask Again Later." She is super funny.

[Twenty Four At Heart]

Thanks for the book list. Always looking for good reads! Do you think Michael Tonello has any connections to get me a free Birkin?! Ha! He could be my gay husband if he did.

[LJ]

Happy (almost) 4th! Jealous on Vegas. Thanks for reminding me of some great books on my to-be-read list.

And I'm procrastinating as I type this comment...

[Cara]

Ah, procrastination, he is a friend of mine. My husband says that I find unnecessary things to do when we're already late. I say, I work best on a deadline and I really did need to water the plants before we went out to dinner.

[Jen on the Edge]

I just blogged about procrastination today, but I'm going to have to say you take it to a higher level than I do.

Remember, what happens in Vegas...