"You've Found A Kindred Spirit In Crap Music"*

I've been off the grid lately.  Between real vacation, accidental vacation, deadlines, and living in a house that has suddenly gone from three baths to one, the blog's gotten lost in the shuffle. 

Plus, I didn't think I had anything to write about but apparently each of the above topics could stand to be addressed, so here goes.

Part One, Real Vacation

It was, in a word, lovely  (if for no reason other than not having to share a bathroom with Fletch.  More on that in Part Four.)  Our hotel was all resort-y and they did stuff like bring personal pitchers of iced lemon water the second anyone sat down by the pool.  And the staff would come by and spritz guests with Evian water and every hour or so they'd distribute Popsicles or Dippin' Dots or frozen fruit or chilled washcloths. 

We had a giant dish of little-bitty wrapped Italian candies on the coffee table in our room.  I told Fletch that if he thought I wasn't going to turn into my grandmother and dump every last one of them into my purse before we left, he was sadly mistaken.  (Then he mentioned possibly discovering 500 $1 line-item charges on our room bill and I thought better of it.)

One of the highlights was getting to hang out with my friend Amy in person.  We've known each other ever since the early days of my "All About Jen" website but we've never met.  We drank vats of wine and ate seafood I've never heard of before (scorpion fish? mullet fish?) and generally had a fantastic time.  The bonus is she let me have a CD one of her friends made when they took a girls-only road trip to Sedona because she'd already burned it onto her iPod.  I listened to her CD all the way up to my accidental vacation (Part Two) and it was like unwrapping nineteen separate Easter eggs.

The CD is a perfect blend of cheese and sing-out-loud stuff.  It's called Three AGDs and a DG (the road trip participants respective sororities) and contains the following:

Gwen Stefani - The Sweet Escape

Rihanna - Pon De Replay

J Lo - Jenny from the Block

Stacey Q - Two of Hearts (remember her??)

Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back

Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous Girl

Rihanna - SOS (Rescue Me)

Coolio - Gangster's Paradise

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten

Fergie - Fergalicious

Britney Spears - Hit Me Baby One More Time

Beyonce - Irreplaceable

Shannon - Let the Music Play

LL Cool J - Going Back to Cali

Lisa Love - I Wonder If I Take You Home

Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl

Beyonce - Crazy in Love

Pink - Get the Party Started

Nelly Furtado - Say It Right

Enjoy!

*Fletch's quote when I told him what was on the play list

The first night in Vegas (after my traditional Fourth of July pool-wallow) I started getting ready to go to dinner.  I took a bath and was drying my hair when I felt a huge knot form in my throat.  While I put on my makeup and got dressed, I noticed my palms were sweating and my pulse raced.  I couldn't figure out why I was anxious until I realized I was going through all the exact same motions of being in a hotel room, getting ready for a book event.  As much as I enjoyed my tour, it was nice to just be able to put on a dress without the added pressure of having to give a speech. 

(I also recognize if it weren't for you guys, I wouldn't have been on my first vacation in six years, so THANK YOU ALL!)

* * *

Part Two, Accidental Vacation

We were only in Vegas for three days, but that's all it took to ruin me for regular life.  I'm all, "I'm hot!  Spritz me!" but no one does.  Remember those old cruise line commercials?  They featured a bunch of people wandering around their dank gray offices, drinking crappy coffee and fighting with janky mini-blinds.  The actors kept referencing their magnificent trip, saying stuff like, "I was a king and my butler knew just how I liked my tea," and "Every day my room was filled with fresh flowers."  For me?  That commercial finally makes sense.

At the moment, my life is filled with non-functional toilets in odd places and missing walls and a thick coating of drywall dust that just won't go away with vigorous dusting.  So when my friend Stacey invited me to visit her at her family's vacation place, I grabbed a beach bag and ran to my car. 

I'm on my way and I'm happily tooling along at both a safe distance from other cars and a sensible speed (nerd alert) when I notice a box fly off the pickup truck fifty yards ahead of me.  I was far enough back that it didn't come crashing through my windshield, thank God, but there was so much traffic in the right lane that I had no where to go but forward.  I ended up hitting the box which contained a very heavy piece of furniture.

You guys? 

I got into a head-on collision with an Adirondack chair.

The pickup driver and I both pulled over.  And when the driver got out of the other car, I was gearing up to yell like I've never yelled before when he introduced himself as Reverend So-and-so. 

Perhaps you all can shout at God's emissary, but I can't.  So while he went back to his car to call the police, I was stuck muttering to myself about Reverend TossyBox from the Church of the Flying Lawn Furniture.  I was already shaken up by the time I got to Stacey's house and when the biblical-type big storm hit that evening, the only rational choice was to stay over. 

Perhaps it wasn't as big a treat to her, as I mentioned, "I hit a box of chair," at least 900 times.  Also, while we were in her pool (which is on the lip of some deep woods) I got to say one of the greatest sentences of all time:

"Dude, there's a mini-frog on your neck."

* * *

Part Three, Deadlines

Deadlines still suck.  And they're keeping me from posting blogs more frequently.  But I figure I can do a bunch of half-assed blogs, or concentrate on a whole-ass book.

I choose whole-ass.

* * *

Part Four, The Bathroom Situation

A leaking shower pan has led to the utter destruction of almost every place to relieve oneself in this house.  We've lost a bunch of walls and ceilings and there's studs and plywood everywhere.  We're now down two bathrooms and I'm all, "Hey, why not take out the third, too?  I can just whiz in a pail."

In Bitter (I think) I talk about looking at apartments and telling leasing agents that we need at least two baths or else I will get divorced. 

Apparently I wasn't kidding.

Don't get me wrong; Fletch is an excellent roommate and he's quite tidy in the bathroom.  He never does stuff like leaving a sink full of whiskers and always wipes off the counter when he's done.  He's actually neater than me.  My bathroom is in no way suffering from his presence and yet I HATE having him in there because I'm ridiculously territorial.  He's none too thrilled with me, either, especially every time I suggest he'd be happier using the washroom at Target or the mop sink in the basement.

So he doesn't divorce me - or possibly beat me with one of many flanges laying around here - he's taken to staying home from work until the contractor arrives.  I'd been in charge of making Important Renovation Decisions but it turns out I don't speak Contractor and the guy doing all the work thinks I'm a dingbat when I say stuff like, "you know, those drip-ity things." 

The good news is ever since Fletch took over managing communication, the work has been going swimmingly (get it?  water pun) and I hope to have him out of my bath within the week.

* * *

Now I've sufficiently screwed around enough that I have no choice but to get back to my manuscript, thus I do not have time to come up with an ending that would have neatly tied all these unrelated topics together.  'Tis a pity. 

And because it can't be said enough:

"Dude, there's a mini-frog on your neck." 

Comments

[Caribbeansue]

Jennifer - your stepmom is lucky it was only a frog. We have lots of critters here in St. Croix and I've heard stories of people having centipedes in their clothes - can't imagine something that bites inside your swimsuit!

[Amy of 3AGDs and1DG]

hey--anyone who wants a copy of 3AGDs and 1DG mix and HAS NOT already emailed me, it is now avail on iTunes:

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=285826622

[Jennifer]

I loved the books & love the blog! Rev. Tossybox & mini-frogs sent me into hysterics! I've been waiting for the right time to post & the mention of mini-frogs gave me the perfect opportunity to share...
My stepmother sunburned her legs snorkeling in St. Croix and went back to her condo, took off her swimsuit & hung it up in her room. Two days later she wanted to go to the pool but had to go to the store first so she carefully put her swimsuit on so it didn't touch her legs, put on her cover up and headed out to the store. On the way home, she told my dad that her suit felt funny and wanted to change it before they went to the pool. They got home, she went into the bedroom to change & dad went into the kitchen. Within a few minutes dad hears "AAAAA...it's alive! It's alive!" Dad goes running into the bedroom thinking she is going insane and she is dancing around naked & holding out her swimsuit screaming "Take it outside...it's alive! Don't kill it...it's alive!" He took the suit outside and out of the pocket in the crotch of the suit falls a frog. It was in there for about 45 minutes...good thing it didn't ribbet in the store or she may have been arrested for public indecency.

[Stephanie]

You make me laugh until my side hurts! I love it! Sorry to hear about your head on collision with the chair. If it makes you feel any better, I've totaled a car in a driveway before!

[Jackie]

It must be the summer of random comments because yesterday my husband and I were walking the dog and he said, "Honey, you have cake on your forehead." My resonse? "Is there any frosting?" Ah, the priorities in life....

[Andrea]

I only have one thing to say. Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise will never go out of style. The power and the money, the money and the power! Love it!

[Em]

Sorry to be obnoxious, but it's Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force. Can't help it.

[Amy]

I love your playlist and am so totally swiping it for myself. Something has to get you motivated on that damn treadmill, although, I will pop into the TV to watch SuperNanny as I walk/run away. It makes teh 30 minutes fly by. That, and I always leave feeling better about my own kid! Ha!
I have a few "goodies" on my iPod now too. I played it for my husband and he just looked at me. Speaking of George Micheal, I have Faith on my list, you know a cool down song. How about Time after Time by Cyndi Lauper? I also have a ton of Beastie Boys and Run DMC on there. It feels like I'm 10 again! Love it! I just finished A Pretty Fat. Love it! You rock! Keep posting when you can and brighten my work week!

[Michelle]

Hi Jen,
So very glad you came back to blog for us! I read for all 3 books in a period of 6 days. Life? Kids? Hubby? they had to wait...lol! Keep the laughter coming and oddly...ALL but one of those songs is already on my iPod play list!

[southernfriedgirl]

Dripity thing made sense to me.

[Tami Erwin]

My husband once hit a table that tumbled off of a poorly loaded pick-up on I-70 in the center of Topeka, KS. Wonder if Rev. Tossy-Box has ever been to Topeka??

[stephani]

OMG...the mini frog thing had me HOWLING, esp since we have a creek behind my house and it's FILLED with the little web-footed critters...it's like Biblical proportions...I am sure Rev TossyChair would have something to say about that.

[Erin]

I would totally rather have a mini frog on my neck than a maxi frog. Keep it coming. We love you! My fiance thinks I am a nutjob anytime I am reading one of your tomes and I keep bursting into spontaneous laughter.

He thinks I am a nutjob anyway, this just lends credence to that belief.

I also wanted to tell you, I have been reccomending you to my imaginary friends on the WW message boards. We all love you! Go Jen!

[Manic Mommy]

So, did Stacey just slap the mini-frog off her neck, or gently peel it from her skin and take it to the lake?

These are the questions that MUST be answered!

And ... Dinner Wednesday?

[Chris]

Good luck on everything! I'm stuck unemployed, mooching off my family, and bored. Possibly the only things good lately have been my boyfriend (and his family), and the fact that my grandmother let me buy Bitter is the New Black and Bright Lights Big Ass last time we went shopping. And now i'm just sitting around until you publish another book, lol!

[Stephanie Jurva]

Jen, I am so glad that you posted again. Thanks for a great laugh! I am loving the cd, I am going to have to download those songs to my iPod now. Can't wait for the next book! Watch out for those flying chairs!!

[Kim]

I just returned from vacation where I read two of your books. Let's just say I Loved Them! I was laughing out loud which lead my relatives to wonder about my sanity.

I am so glad to discover your blog as well.

Thanks for the entertainment.

[Traci Anne]

Dude, I woke up this morning to a) a bashed big toe; b) pinkeye; c) an asshole comment from some douche on YouTube...

...and yet? It's a little better now. Thanks!

[Katie]

Jen I just read all three of your books in one month. I passed them along to the women I work with and we want to drink with you. A guy we work with refers to our group as the mean girls we think you would be proud. We just feel no one understands our sense of humor. Please finish your next book although I love the blog your books rock.

[Jen]

Glad you had a nice break, but boy am I happy you are back. I was begining to feel like a stalker waiting for a new post!

[jessica]

Just wanted to say that I thought I was the only Stacey Q fan in the world. How about Samantha Foxx? Pretty Fat seriously made me pee my pants and get kicked out of bed while reading it because even though I stifled the noise of my hysterical laughter, my husband was getting seasick from me shaking the mattress with the waves of hysteria I was holding in. Thank you SO MUCH!

[TheOtherJen]

I totally just choked on my own saliva when I read Reverend TossyBox (and again as I was typing it.) and the Church of Flying Furniture. Attack of the killer lawn chair - glad you survived!

[jessica]

Just wanted to say that I thought I was the only Stacey Q fan in the world. How about Samantha Foxx? Pretty Fat seriously made me pee my pants and get kicked out of bed while reading it because even though I stifled the noise of my hysterical laughter, my husband was getting seasick from me shaking the mattress with the waves of hysteria I was holding in. Thank you SO MUCH!

[Caribbeansue]

I soooo needed a good laugh today - thank you! I'm planning a trip to Vegas and told the hubby this time I get to pick the place - last time we stayed at Bill's Gamblin' Hall & Casino (great location and that's it). I've found a couple of places that sound great but haven't narrowed it down yet. Where did you stay that was so accomodating??? I want to be spritzed! Please share...

[Lisa]

Contractor speak reminds me of when you wrote about your AC at one of your homes: "The blowery thing make a big whoosh, but the air never gets cold, and you think you might need some more chilly juice, aka Neon, right?" That was the best thing I'd ever read because not only was it funny, it sounded like me talking to my male bosses at work.

[Lisa]

Okay, I have a confession to make. Both of our toilets stopped up at the same time on a Sunday. It's happened before, the roots grow into the pipes on the way to the street, yadda yadda yadda. The only thing to be done is to call a plumber with a snake way longer than any I could buy in a hardware store.

My DH was whining about how he had to go and I said, "Pee on a tree." He said, "Not that kind." I said, "Dude, it's a weekend. I'm not paying for a plumber on a weekend. It costs more than my car payment and your Netflix Supreme subscription combined. Grab some newspaper and find a private place outside." We have a really big fence, the offspring wasn't home, so really, what's the problem?

But he did not grab newspaper. He called the plumber, paid the overtime, and is still telling that story on me to anyone who will listen.

[Shelly]

I second Andrea's suggestion that you come to Honolulu. I kept my boyfriend up all night telling him "listen to this" and reading from "Such a Pretty Fat." I especially loved the Jabba in pearls bit.

[dodim]

"Spritz me!" The new mantra for my summer!

[Boo]

Deja vu! I was in a pet store & looking at big fatty goldfish and an employee offered to explain their needs. I was nodding & asking questions when I realized he was wearing a snake around his neck and shoulders - a big one. I blurted, "Dude you're wearing a snake." and he just smiled and kept on with the goldfish care. Minifrogs sound way cuter.

[Kari]

The box of chair...something so odd it could only happy to you (or me):-)

[Rebekah]

Britney Spears, old school. I was a little undecided to this point, but I think now that you just might be my hero.

[Amy the DG of 3 AGDs and 1 DG mix]

Maria and Nic- I totally forgot about that too! At Dead Baby Gulch? MWAHAHAHAHAHAA I'm still Jenny from the block yo

[nic]

Oh man, Maria! I totally forgot about that! That was such an awesome trip. We need to do it again!

[Middle Aged Woman]

In the sporting goods store parking lot, as our friend secured his new canoe to the top of the van, was the Rev. TossyBox's best friend, Mr. Eeyore. He kept glowingly reassuring us that we were doing it WRONG and we'd be really sorry when the canoe went flying off the roof and landed in a million pieces on the freeway. It didn't matter that the guy in charge of the canoe attaching had been doing it for thirty years. Maybe this guy was with the Rev. when he picked up the box of chair, and the Rev. just couldn't take it anymore...and thus he left with "a load not properly tied down." -J. Cusack in The Sure Thing

[Cyndi]

I sure have missed you! Thanks for the laugh this afternoon.

[Maria]

Jen, this is the 2nd of the AGDs clocking in! Did Amy happen to mention how we (read: I) almost ran the car off the road because I was throwing hand signs to Gangster's Paradise instead of steering? That CD is my favorite ever!

[tutugirl1345]

I think I would have died if I saw that chair coming at me. As for the bathroom issue, perhaps you need to put up a schedule?

[Kelsey]

Omg Jen your life really is hysterical. I think you should take over for Denise Richards on her "reality" show "Denise Richards: It's Complicated"...
Anyways that is one of my worst fears, having something fly out at me or in the middle of the road while driving. I've driven those Chicago highways and I do not like them at all. Miami highways aren't that better, come to think of it..
So although it sucks that you ran into a chair, thank you for letting me laugh at you and hopefully you too can laugh at it one day soon.

[thecoconutdiaries]

The only songs missing on that CD are "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls and "Butterfly" by that guy who was on Celebrity Rehab! Ooh, and "Down" by 311!!!

[Laura]

I sent my copy of Bitter to my thirtysomething sister, who's a saintly 5th grade teacher and mother of two.

Your book's got her saying "f*cktard" at every turn, and it's PRICELESS.

Thanks for bringing out big sis's wild streak.

[Twenty Four At Heart]

I want to hear more details on the mini-frog cuz ... well, just cuz. Jen, if you need a break from writing come visit my site! I'm having a music contest and it sounds like you're full of great song ideas!! I'm even offering a low budget prize.

[Carol Smith]

Jen,
thanks so much for making me laugh. I am on the third book, such a pretty fat. I loved Bright lights, I laughed so much, my husband thought I was losing it!!!
By the way, the suburbs are Not so bad!!!
living in St. Charles is quite nice ;)
Please keep your books coming!!

[Courtney]

Oh, if only Rev. Tossybox knew how famous he and his flying box of chair are now:-) I just bought Pretty Fat the other day while Target shopping - can't wait to read it!

[Jennifer6]

Y'all, seriously, Movin 97.5 is the greatest radio station in the history of ever. As a native Phoenician, I can promise you, that playlist is identical to their usual crazy.
And the best news? The station streams online at www.movin975.com. The last three songs they've played, you ask? "Whomp! There It Is!", "4 Minutes To Save The World" and "Celebration". How can that not make you happy?

[Amy the DG of 3 AGDs and 1 DG mix]

Oh it's Lisa Lisa and the cult jam!

Anyone who wants a burned copy can email me and I'll get it to you.

[Amy the DG of 3 AGDs and 1 DG mix]

I'm so glad you like the mix!!!

here's how it came about. Memorial day weekend 2007, 3 of us (2 AGDs and 1 DG) flew to Tucson to visit the 4th member of our goofy group (the 3rd AGD). We took a road trip to Sedona.

The radio station we listened to was so schizophrenic with it's playlist we thought it was hysterical. It wen't from Gwen Stefani to Coolio to KC and the Sunshine band, I kid you not. And yet, the 4 of us, 4 of the whitest women on the planet, knew every word to every song.

The station was Movin' 97.5 out of phoenix. We decided their target audience must be white women 27-45.

So when I got home, I put together that mix out of the songs we all rocked the most out to on our drive through Arizona in a Ford Explorer with no CD player.

[Sara]

My mother just sent me your book in a cute Barnes and Noble bag with massive amounts of flip flops to match every summer outfit I own and some movies and oh my gosh I LOVED your book! I read it in two days. I haven't even looked at the movies! The only reason I stopped reading was because I had to work. I loved it and I'm going to buy your others tonight!

I just graduated and I'm looking for permanent employment since I'm kicked outta my job at the end of August because I'm no longer a student. While I was somewhat terrified of trying to find a job during/after reading Bitter, I got over that and it didn't diminish my enjoyment of the book even the slightest amount! Though while I was reading it I was waving the book in my husband's face and saying things like, "She's way more qualified than I am! I'm screwed!" and "I hate real life! I'm going to grad school!"

[april]

I just finished reading "bitter" and am recommending it to everyone I know (and dont know. Sorry dude at the grocery store!) A trip to B&N is scheduled for tomorrow to get the rest of your books. Keep writing! You're saving what's left of my sanity.

[Doug]

A friend told me about your books and blog. I am soo hooked now. Not to mention, I have become a reality tv junkie. Anyway, your comment out the yummy candies in part 1, kiss up to the front desk and house cleaning people. Once when staying in Nashville for a convention they had these cool "Do Not Distrube" signs shaped liked musical notes. I just happen to mention that I would like one and the front desk said to keep it. Another hotel had some totaly kick butt dark chocolate mints. I chatted with housekeeping and got a whole box. Of course after I hugged the guy I think he may have thought twice about it. But still, suck up to the hotel staff. I do it when ever I get to travel.

[HeatherPride]

Hey, if it means swimming in a pool nestled down by the woods where I can stay pretty much invisible from the general public while in a swimsuit, I'll take a mini frog on my neck too!