As Cultured As A Croissanwich

About a month ago I spent the night at my friend Stacey's vacation home.  In between getting into head-on collisions with boxes of chairs and rescuing mini-frogs, we watched So You Think You Can Dance. 

During one of the more stirring performances, I remarked it never before occurred to me that one could tell a story through dance.  (Or maybe I knew, but the thought just sounded so pretentious that I never gave it any credence.) 

So Stacey said, "Hey, if you like dancing that tells stories, I can get us tickets to see Marta Carrasco." 

"What's that?" I asked. 

Stacey explained she was in fact a who, not a what, and that she leads a Spanish dance troupe.  They do really artistic pieces.  And I said it sounded cool.  So I went to the Goodman Theatre last night, expecting to see Flamenco dancers. 

My first hint that my perceptions might be wrong was when three different people warned us against sitting in the front two rows because it was "the splash zone."

I do not recall any splash zones during the Latin performances on So You Think You Can Dance.

I asked Stacey if this was going to turn in to a Gallagher-type show with sledgehammers and watermelons and splash tarps.  She laughed and said no.

Oh, pre-show Stacey, how little we both knew.

The set was fascinating - on the wall to the back there were dozens of antique white garments hung on ropes at various angles, including one straight jacket.  There were staircases leading to a platform towards the back of the stage and lots of little doors.  Four old, crooked bookcases were spotlighted at the front of the stage and they were filled with a variety of creepy things, like inflated latex hands and sparkly shoes and Kewpie doll heads. 

The lights in the theatre went down and the show started.  To really get the feel for the performance I saw, I'll list all the action sequentially.

• The bookcases slowly part and a woman slides onto the stage with a rolly chair and a rolly desk. 
• We watch her smoke an entire cigarette.  No dancing, just smoking.
• Other people in vintage outfits crawl onto stage, except on lady who's toting an IV pole.  When IV lady squeezes the bag of saline, it makes the sound of laughter.  None of them dance. 
• The soundtrack is some French song that gets louder and faster and includes the sounds of puppies yelping.  As the music gets louder, the smoking lady begins to twirl in her rolly chair and her rolly desk.  Someone gets slapped but no one dances.
• A man comes out in a tutu and a scrunched up baby mask.  Someone slaps him and then there's a whole bunch of shouting in Spanish.  (Did I mention this was part of the Latin Festival at the Goodman?)  A woman comes out with her head in a grandfather clock and sways back and forth.
• Still no actual dancing other than swaying.
• More puppy yelping, though.
• Two shirtless guys come out with some woman in a ball gown.  They put lipstick all over their faces and then take turns rubbing the lipstick on her face.  She gets thrown back and forth between the two of them.  A different girl comes out in horn rim glasses and is outfitted in an I-work-in-an-ad-agency-in-1962 kind of dress.  She begins shouting in Spanish.  (Seriously?  If I wanted to hear people shouting in Spanish, I could have stayed home.)
• A different woman comes out in a ball gown and a gas mask and she drops rubber babies out of her dress as she slowly walks by.  The tutu baby-man picks the babies up and slaps them.
• Two more women come on stage - one smears red lipstick all over her chin and the other takes bites out of a raw potato and then spits it out.
• Still no dancing.
• A giant vertical Velcro mattress is wheeled out and placed in a vertical position in the center of the stage.  A woman in Velcro pajamas throws herself at it for a while.  I think Tutu Baby Man comes out again.  There's more shouting and then at the front of the stage, two guys in pajama bottoms come out, yank a woman's shirt down, and then begin slapping her on her naked bits. 
• Have I mentioned the no-dancing part yet?
• AND WHY WAS I NOT WARNED ABOUT NUDITY?
• Then the lead dancer comes out wearing a big shirt-dress.  She strips from the waist up and then makes out with a statue for quite a while.  Then the whole stage is covered with a huge piece of dry cleaner's film and she (and her naked self) writhe against it for quite a long, naked while.
• She almost dances but is likely too busy being naked and trying not to suffocate.
• Then the whole ensemble comes out with giant plates of watermelon (!!) and they spit chunks of it into the air and at the audience.  They pour water all over themselves and swim around on the wet, watermelon-y floor.
• And then it is over.
• With no dancing whatsoever.

The audience went batshit-crazy and they gave an extra-long standing ovation.

As soon as everyone finally finished applauding, I turned to Stacey and said, "You realize this is exactly why my side keeps cutting funding to the arts.  And by the way?  I totally called the watermelon."

* * *

The thing is, I still enjoyed the show.  I have no fucking clue what any of it meant, and yet it was a positive experience; I had the privilege of glimpsing into an artist's mind.  And yeah, what I saw was disturbing and dark, but that's not without value.  Today, I feel like my world is a tiny bit bigger for having seen this show.

I still could have done with more dancing and less naked, though.

* * *

UPDATE:  Stacey responded to this on MySpace, so I've cut and pasted her comment here.  The whole evening will make more sense if you guys read the context.

Okay, a little bit in my defense....

I worked at Goodman for seven years and the biennial Latino Theatre Festival was always one of the coolest things we did. Marta Carrasco and her company have been a part of this festival and their performances were always a highlight for me. When I found out that the piece she was performing this year was essentially five of her best pieces that she is about to retire, I thought it would be the perfect evening, since I had seen three of them and been quite moved.

What I didn't know was that instead of just doing the pieces in their entirety, the company effectively cut them up into little bits and mixed them around, and in the process, um, lost all continuity, most of the power, and ALL OF THE DANCING. And none of the pieces I had ever seen had included nudity. Or watermelon.

Had I known this, not only would I never have taken Jen, I wouldn't have gone myself.

Sigh.

The really sad part is that when the pieces are in their original format, they are some of the most extraordinary and moving things I have ever seen in a theater.

I give huge extra credit points to Jen for not:

1. Leaving the moment the first N-I-P-P-L-E made its Goodman Theatre debut.

2. Asking me to translate the incomprehensible Spanish. (which I'm told is mostly nonsense recipe directions)

3. Slapping me like I was wearing a baby head mask the moment the show was over.

Hopefully our next cultural field trip will be less naked, and more rewarding!

I'm going to ask her if she wants to see The House Bunny with me next week.

Comments

[Kelly Aguilera]

FYI- I sent you several comments in the past- all LOVING your work and your blog. I wanted to let you know that on April 14th I laughed my way into labor (water broke on Kitchen floor WHILE READING your book) and our Son Roger J. Aguilera was born via C-section at 11:30 AM

[Samantha]

Mmmmmm...croissanwich.

[Tamara]

So, ummmm, yeah. Wow. So glad I wasn't there. I would have looked at the floor once the boobies showed up. That strategy has gotten me through a couple of plays I had to see for my undergrad degree.

And, I totally get the "You realize this is exactly why my side keeps cutting funding to the arts" comment. Because that perfomance? Was not very artistic. At least in my humble opinion. I don't think all art should have a blatantly obvious point, but sometimes I find many 'artists' get so wrapped up in being 'artistic' (meaning abstract, crazy, nonsensical....) that their 'art' does not bear any meaning with anyone, and leaves you only feeling confused. If it makes me feel something, makes me learn something, challenges me, or at least entertains me (and causing me to mock you in my head is NOT entertaining me) I'll call it art.

[Danielle Woods]

Then you DEFINITELY won't like Zoomanity. Don't go see that if you had a hard time with N I P P L E S

[Danielle Woods]

Hi Jen,
I love reading about your wedding in "Bitter",
was wondering if you would like to go on a cruise with friends and family in December to celebrate our 25th anniversary.
Mexican Riviera. Bring some friends.
I work for a major airline and get great discounts.
email me

[Rebekah]

I read all three of your books (again!) today while trying to recover from the wine that tried to kill me last night.

Loved this post. Laughing hurts when you're so hungover and nauseated and headachey, but you got me through the day.

[Mia Mrs. Big Game Hunter]

I must have known how this was going to turn out, because when I initially read the Goodman Theatre my mind read it as the God Damn Theatre. Yeah, post-op Vicodin ROCKS. I can't believe you made it through the whole show. Especially when the nudity started. Nipple Nipple Nipple. Are ya freakin out yet?

[Teresa]

This is why I don't go see anything at the Goodman anymore. I saw the worst play there about deaf people in a mental institution - I nearly lost my will to live.

I would highly recommend "Alice" at the Lookingglass Theatre - it had acrobatics and it was amazing! It's only there until Sept 7th, though.

[Ginny]

Hi Jen -- Yeah, I totally remember "the boots incident". LOL!! Even weighed in on that one myself! Also your commenters' many and varied opinions on your love of Crocs ... :-) All fine examples of all us "lemmings" having opposing views on things. Sheesh!!!

[Lissa]

Note to Ginny: This is a blog with a comment section, which implies that comments of all variety and opinion are welcome. Jen Lancaster doesn't strike me as the type of person who insists on conformity from her readers and fans. She has a brain, a mouth, and the ability to accept differences.

[Hatchetwoman]

This all sounds so stultifying.

I don't understand how this disjointed hour o' crap is art, much less dancing. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to stand up and yell, 'But the emperor is naked!" (Actually, that probably wouldn't have worked, considering the goings-on on stage.)

[Carrie]

Never mind. I'm a farktard. Sorry...

[Carrie]

Hey! My post was hijacked by Kelly!! I wrote about the Poise pad... how the hell did that happen?

[the governor of jennsylvania]

Ginny - remember the boots incident?
http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/2007/11/opinion.html

Yeah.

[Ginny]

Note to "Lissa" -- this is Jen's blog, not ours. Lots of times we "lemmings" offer opinions different from hers (scan back to find the entry where she is trying to decide what to wear on her book tour and mentions not having a very high opinion of denim jackets), but this "Comment" feature is for us to respond to whatever she has said and -- Ahem! -- MOST of us tend to agree with her most of the time. People who want to "form (their) own opinion, and share it with the rest of the world" ought to do so on THEIR OWN blog, not in Jen's Comment section.

[Ginny]

Some things are art and some things are just crap. This? Was crap.

[Lissa]

Jen, I love your books, love your blog, and even though I'm a staunch Democrat and you are a staunch Republican, I agree with most of what you say, or at least find it funny. That being said...

Do any of the lemmings that read your blog and post here EVER have an opposing opinion to yours, or are they simply too scared to put it in writing? Ladies, jot this down: it's okay to form your own opinion, and share it with the rest of the world.

[Manic Mommy]

That scenario reminds me when I saw De La Guardia in New York which was some funky audience-involved thing that I cannot even begin to describe. How long is that Marta show going to be around for? SOunds totally up my alley!

And I bet my husband would so dig the rolling on the floor N-I-P-P-L-E parts.

[Sarah]

Umm... I thought a story told through dance was called ballet. Go figure????

[Jessica]

Yikes. Kudos to you, though, for hanging in there. That whole thing sounds like something they'd do in San Francisco, which I live pretty close to because I'm in Sacramento.

[Erin]

I love dancing, but that one scene in "She's All That" was enough to let me know that I don't like this intepretive "dance" stuff. Highlarity.

[Krissy]

I'm really glad that you did the dirty work and experienced that so the rest of us wouldn't have to. If I had been in your seat I would have left after Tutu Baby-Man came out. That being said, thanks for sticking around, being all cultural-like and recounting it in the most hilarious blog entry I have ever read. My stomach hurts from laughing so damn hard. I think the lesson I'll take from this is that if I go to see any dance troupes I'll be smuggling a flask into the theater with me. Thanks!

[Kate]

Jen is VERY gracious and diplomatic. This kind of performance (not as uncommon as one might think) drove me away from live theater. Including the Goodman.

[Rhiannsu]

OMG, my husband just came upstairs to find out why the hell I was laughing so hard. Too funny!

[Soren]

WTF?
I'm all for performance art and art funding and art in schools and music classes...

On the other hand, a few years ago, my mother tooke me and my husband (boyfriend at the time) to see a dancer as part of the Montreal Fringe Festival... you can see where this is going.

She was Japanese, and while she "danced", I'll just say that my husband and I now refer to her as "hip dysplaysia" girl... the music was atonal, the dancing (!) was, um, a-dancing...

to each their own I guess... but I'm allowed to say WTF also.

and by the way? LOVE LOVE LOVE so you think you can dance-- which we call the "dance-y, dance-y" show :D

[AJMick]

LOVE THIS! I hope you had some pre-show cocktails to help make this even more entertaining. What a hoot!

[Laura]

Seriously? I would have cackled my way through that whole thing. Just like I did all through Wicker Man, and just like I did during Meet Joe Black when Brad Pitt got hit by all those cars in rapid succession.

(Is it awful that I couldn't think of Pitt's name just then until after conjuring up an image of Ang Jolie?)

[Kelly]

Wow. I can't even describe the horror in my mind's eye after reading that.

[Carrie]

I seriously hope you were wearing a Poise pad, cause I would have pissed my pants from laughing. If I want to see naked bits, I'll go to a strip club... bolt-on naked bits..lol.

[saneandsingle]

Batshit-crazy is right!

[Lara]

"You realize this is exactly why my side keeps cutting funding to the arts."

That has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read.

[Syche]

Hello! This is pretty much the dance department of the college I went to. (UC Davis, I'll say it.) Watching a new show like this every few weeks was really, um, inspiring? :)

[Nicole]

Best.post.ever.

[SnarkyMommy]

I can't believe you were at a show where there was nakedness! And you actually talked about it on the internet!

[HeatherPride]

After reading your books where you avoid discussing all things "sex" and "naked" I can't believe that you actually sat through this show!! You're not going LEFT on us are you??

[Cindy from Cincinnati]

Jen, You are a bigger person than me for saying "it was a positive experience; I had the privilege of glimpsing into an artist's mind" and "Today, I feel like my world is a tiny bit bigger for having seen this show."

I would have just left early and missed the naked watermelon writhing...Please tell me none of my US Tax dollars went to funding that type of crap. Bleehh!

[Suz]

Sometimes I think "art" turns in to trying to out-weird the weird shit the person before you came up with.

Very comical description though...nice to be laughing out loud at my desk on a slow Friday afternoon. Everyone looking at me like I'm weird...Maybe I'll just tell them I'm an artist :)

[Jeanne]

When I was 15, my mom and I had tickets to a dance series that had several wonderful performances from a variety of traveling companies. However, my mom had a meeting the same night as one of the shows so she roped my dad into taking me.

2 hours of naked people swaying in downhill skis and boots, wiggling on top of mirrors, or gyrating in a huge clamshell. Ugh! A magic moment for a 15 year old girl and her State Trooper father!

[Julie]

I prefer more nudity and less dancing myself. :)

[Jill]

I kept waiting for you to say that "Smith" from Sex and the City walked on stage and dropped his overalls - like in his "performance" on Sex and the City!

Too funny!! Your comment "You realize this is exactly why my side keeps cutting funding to the arts. And by the way? I totally called the watermelon." is CLASSIC.

Love, love - LOVE your blog!!

[Shan]

To quote the great Danny Kaye in White Christmas: "Chicks ... who did kicks ... arrrrrrent' kicking anymore ... they're doing CHOREOGRAPHY!"

I admit, I prefer art that doesn't make me work too hard.

[Maria]

This is hilarious!!! Definitely not what you went to see, but sounds interesting none the less!

[Jen]

LOVE the blog. I will definitely keep reading! I've also added you to my blogroll as well.

[Jen]

You have the coolest blog, girly! I've added you to my blogroll as well.

[HRA]

That reminds me of Fountainhead. The audience probably didn't understand it. So they made up for it with extra applause because they don't want the people sitting next to them to be smarter than they are - even though really it is just a mediocratization (I made that up) of the masses.

On an up note - I totally dug So you Think You can Dance - that is way classier. And was rooting for Katee or Chelsie Hightower (I think she was robbed). But was still glad that Josh won; it was weird to have a favorite but still be OK with someone else to win. The only one I was really opposed to was Comfort. They played her up like she was all street and then you saw pictures of her as a kid in dance class. Plus, she was WAY out classed.

[Kristi]

"I still could have done with more dancing and less naked, though."

I love it...too damn funny! :)

[Tracey]

Sorry, I just couldn't read this whole thing. Too long of a post. Can you give us ADD'ers the cliff notes version?? :)

[Jennyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

that is some crazy shit -- for your viewing pleasure (or horror as the case may be) is a sample video

http://www.goodmantheatre.org/season/latinofest.aspx#

[Becky Kinzel]

um... not so much for me. I think I'd have to pass on that kind of "entertainment"... I am impressed that you managed to sit through it in its entirety.

[Hallie]

How was smoking allowed? I thought because of the no smoking ban they weren't allowed to smoke in Chicago even for artistic performances - wasn't there a big stink about the guys in Jersey Boys not being able to smoke on stage?

Aside from that...
interesting