Eat, Sleep, Pick Fights

My schedule for the last week and a half:

Eat, sleep, swim. 

Eat, sleep, write. 

Eat, sleep, write, watch Olympics. 

Eat, sleep, watch Olympics.

My productivity has dropped since opening ceremonies... like, a lot.  Sure, I've been attempting to churn out this book, but I keep finding myself lapsing into diatribes about how real sixteen year olds aren't missing baby teeth and how more sports should be performed on trampolines and what an excellent word "Velodrome" is (sounds like a futuristic breath mint, yes?) and why Speedos aren't the devil after all.

As part of my all-Olympic, all-the-time regimen, I was watching the interview with Michael Phelps last night and he brought up a point that made me shout, "He just ripped off my Women's Health article!"  Then it occurred to me he's been a world-class athlete for years and years, and not just since reading my story in the July/August issue.  And then I remembered they cut out that piece of advice, anyway.

(Brief aside for those who saw the interview: how cute is it that he's breaking records and winning medals but is still still compelled to check out his Facebook page?)

(Another brief aside: yes, I'm going to start a Facebook page again if/when I ever finish my deadline.) 

If you missed the interview because you were busy having a life (or possibly writing what someone has already paid you for in anticipation of your actually finishing it) and not just camping out in front of Olympic coverage all day, then you didn't see where Michael said he's not swimming against himself.  Rather, he always performs his best to show the nay-sayers they don't know what they're talking about.  He mentioned how Michael Jordan would manufacture an issue before games so he wasn't just playing, he was playing to beat whomever slighted him.  This is exactly the point I made in my article:

Finding a nemesis:  I finally learned to play to my greatest strength - a competitive nature.  Now any time I'm engaged in an activity, I quietly target one unsuspecting gym patron and watch to see whatever he or she is doing.  If my nemesis lifts seventy pounds, I try for eighty.  Should he walk on an incline of five percent, I try for seven.  If she rides the bike for forty minutes, I will do forty-five and I celebrate every time I beat her even though she has no clue we've been competing.  Childish?  Maybe.  Effective?  Absolutely.

Works nicely in many aspects of life, not just athletics.

When I went through my archived documents to find this, I ran across an opinion piece I did for Forbes.com last year.  (A reporter queried me and wanted to know if I had any thoughts about a life-coaching organization called Becoming Alpha.  Not surprisingly, I did.)  They only used a piece of what I wrote, but I'm reprinting the whole thing here because it remains one of my favorite things I've ever written:

I'm naturally quizzical of an enterprise with an admission price of $10,000, particularly when that enterprise involves Life Coaching, an industry lacking any sort of regulatory standard.  I'm even more wary when said enterprise claims the ability to teach people to become Alpha Males (and Females.)  And I'm downright suspicious when the company offers no credentials about its instructors on the website, its main marketing tool. 

Seems like if their whole business model involves using coaches to affect results, they might want to mention why they're qualified.

Unless, of course, they're full of shit.

Enter BecomeAlpha, a “high-level life/business coaching for individuals and businesspeople interested in learning ways to legitimately and significantly increase their business's profitability, their salary at their company, or their ability to climb the proverbial corporate ladder.”  Essentially these mysterious coaches teach people how to tap into their inner Alpha Male which, ostensibly, will lead them to ultimate success, profitability, and hot and cold running Brazilian supermodels twenty-four hours a day.  (OK, I may have made that last part up, but it's certainly implied in the press release.)

BecomeAlpha claims to be a hard-core, Marine-style boot camp for individuals who are tired of complacency and mediocrity.  They say the only way to become an Alpha is to do something about it, rather than doing nothing, which... OK, sure.  That makes sense.  Doing stuff beats not doing stuff.  For example, the guy who made piles of money by inventing the knit beer can cap sat around and emptied a lot of Miller High Lifes first.  His fortune only came when he said, “Hey, what if I added some yarn?”

BecomeAlpha instructs students on tapping into their uber-selves through a variety of workshops and conference calls.  Among other classes, they teach sessions on hypnosis.  Funny, but when my father discussed his Marine boot camp experience, he talked a lot about the 26-mile road marches on Parris Island, but never mentioned the hypnotherapy.  (To be fair, maybe Big Daddy missed Hypnosis Day because he was busy fighting a war with the North Koreans.)  BecomeAlpha also provides coursework on Intimacy and Seduction, crucial in any boardroom situation, don't you think?  (Ten bucks says they advise you pull your spouse's hair during the act of love, which may be sexy the first time, but will likely land you a spot on the couch with the dog if you try it twice.)

My issue with this particular business is their assertion you can't achieve success (and supermodels) until you're an Alpha and you can't become an Alpha until they teach you confidence.  The rub is that confidence can't be taught – it can only be achieved, say, by climbing a mountain or perhaps putting $10,000 towards an MBA program.  Although I do agree confidence is important, it's not the only part of the success equation.  Have all the bravado you'd like, but it's for naught if you can't back up what's coming out of your blow-hole.  Being competent in your profession is key and this isn't something you can learn in a classroom full of strangers from dozens of different industries.  Again, if you need to drop ten-large to hear you should be reading trade journals, becoming an Alpha is the least of your problems. 

Being an Alpha and being successful are not mutually exclusive.  Just look at Bill Gates – no one can say he's an Alpha, yet he seems to have done nicely for himself anyway.  Plus, definitions of success vary wildly from person to person.  For some it might be leading the pack financially, but for many that might entail the freedom to leave the office at 4:30 in order to make it their child's T-ball practice.

The bottom line is I don't believe it's possible to change who you are at your core, and if you could, it would be through intensive personal self-discovery and achievement, rather than being coached in a classroom full of people who are precisely as willing as you to part with $10,000 USD.      

On their popular television show, Penn and Teller summed up Life Coaching best in one word – bullshit. 

And I couldn't agree more.   

 

I'm going to amend this now by saying if you want to Become Alpha?  Swim faster.

Comments

[Maile Hernandez]

For some reason this reminds me of your reaction to the notion of The Secret. I believe hard work is important; I also think sometimes psychological factors like fear and low self-confidence can hold an otherwise successful person back. Those factors can keep a person not only from having their achievements recognized, but even from putting in as much work as they really could. I think the power of fear can never be underestimated, unfortunately, and so it does seem like overcoming fear is a logical first step for the many of us who fight its effects. Maybe it can be taught, maybe it can't, but there's no harm in recognizing the things you need to overcome and taking steps to overcome them. Sometimes others can offer guidance and perspective you might not have thought of. However, if you can afford ten large for that program, you're probably doing something right already!

[Suzanne]

I laugh whenever I see an ad or hear about someone hiring a life coach...SUCKERS! If only it were that easy...someone else tells you how to be better at life and you pay them for it. Kind of like "The Secret."

Only the people that sell this crap gain anything from it. BTW Jen what was your final decision on "The Secret?"

[Gina]

Class on hypnosis actually makes sense. A guy I used to work with started doing the jedi mind trick on our boss. He just started wave his hand when our boss finished speaking. And maybe our boss was a weak minded person but I was still shocked when it would work. After a few weeks of "conditioning" our boss, it was working. Bob would stop talking mid-sentence, look around and say to us "ok, that is all. Have a good day."

That trick kept my friend's job for about a year and he even got a really large promotion with it. Don't sell the hypnosis short yet! It actually does work on people. Well at least the jeti mind trick did.

[Kelly]

Finding a nemesis: I used to do that too while walking the track at the park. I would secretly compete with everyone else walking...that is until the day some old lady totally kicked my ass! I've recently started walking again but this time in the privacy of my own home so I can watch all of my Bravo shows that I've DVR'd.

[krista colvin]

When I first read the "nemesis" thing... I thought. pssshh, that's not me. until... I found myself checking my Facebook blog fans against others... and the game was on.

So on that I'm shamelessly going to mention it here and ask other FB'rs to become a fan-
OH.. Jennsylvania is listed on my blog list so you can hop on to become a fan of Jen's while you are at it!

Rally the troops: my facebook profile name: Krista Colvin blogs are listed under the tab Blog Network. (www.organizeinstyleblog.com and www.theShebang.com)

[Beckie Carlson]

Jen,
I like your outlook on things. I have to say, I was doing the WW thing when I read Such a Pretty Fat and ...I ended up reading it while I ate brownies. You did inspire me to stop tho. Are you still on the diet wagon?

[Lisa Johnson]

I decided awhile back after watching Ashley Paiges Bikini or Bust that there were plenty of ditzs out there needing life coaches just like her. So I think I'm going to make up my own diploma on my laptop from the School of Hard Knocks and Hard Work, hang a shingle outside my door, and tell these weak tits to pull up their big girl panties and JUST DO SOMETHING! Come on, most of their indecision and inability to accomplish anything is due to their own laziness and expecting to just get whatever they want without working for it. Okay, ranting over on with my own life...

[KS]

Actually, Bob Costas brought up the story about Michael Jordan manufacturing insults to motivate himself ...

[Beej]

I have a friend who is a life coach, and while I don't really know that much about her practice, I kinda think it's a bunch of hooey. But I think her practice is largely about "Hey, what is going to make you happy? What do you need to do to get from point A to point B and to be happy? Let's figure this out."

There are scads of people out there who are all trying to figure out who they are and who they are and who they are supposed to be in this world. And as a result there are scads of people making a buck off of it. It's not a bad thing, it's capitalism, right? But I also think that if we all just looked at our situations and figured out what we want and how to get it, that's the same exact thing as hiring a life coach.

[Val]

YIkes - I feel so anti-American, but the Olympics are making me crazy with boredom (sorry).
I recently wrote about how I would rather catch a rerun of Omarosa on "The Apprentice" then sit through another hour of men's swimming (sorry MIcheal Phelps)
http://www.firstclasstohell.com

[Marisa]

Oh yes. I do my own version of the secret competition. In my car. At a stoplight. I give 'er the berries and see if I can kick the others guys ass. They dont have a clue of course but it gives me alot of satisfaction if I win.

Also? Michael Phelps can rub my gold medal anyday.

[JenA]

BillG is SO an alpha. His screaming diatribes about bad code are legendary around campus. Maybe it's a geek alpha .. but definitely alpha behavior.

[hebba]

My best day at the gym ever was the day when the trainer (whose services I never took advantage of, but whom I watched train other clients every time I was there --you know, for motivation) referred to me as "The one with the great legs. Bitch."
Being called a bitch never felt so good!

[Meg]

Dude, I found his actual facebook page (not the fan page) but I won't add him as a friend. I'm not that creepy. I don't add people that I don't know that friend me...I feel that this is pretty strong will on my part.

[michelle]

I'm with you Jen...I've been glued to the t.v./tivo since Opening Ceremonies!! I'm afraid I will go into hottie withdrawal when the games are over. Speedos and skin tight racing suits indeed! As a side note, I am completely amazed by what Dara Torres was able to accomplish in these Olympics at 41. As someone who is about to turn 39, I am fascinated by how amazing she looks. I can't imagine being in that kind of shape...never have been and never will be.

Only one more week of this Olympic madness and I may finally be able to get some sleep! Looking forward to the next book:)

[Anita]

I'd like to thank the skinny bitch next to me in Kickboxing yesterday- I left the gym having never stopped the entire class while she was sucking wind and wimping out :)

silent competition- hell yes!

[Petunia]

Well said!

But I think you thought something and wrote another here:

"Being an Alpha and being successful are not mutually exclusive."

Don't you actually mean "Being an Alpha and being successful are not synonyms", meaning you can be one without being the other?

[Deborah]

This happened to me at the gym once (years ago). Only I was the one being used for the competitive model. I was leaving the gym one day and this guy waiting for the elevator with me said, "you know, you're really good"
Me: "huh?"
Guy: "I've been following you around the gym for a couple of months and doing everything you do and I've lost 30 lbs!"
Me: "huh?"
Guy: "You workout so hard. So. How long have you been doing this?"
Me: "Oh about three years."
Guy (looking me up & down): "Oh." mumbles something and looks embarrassed.

Sheesh.

[Maria]

I think it's pretty funny how the Olympic announcers claim all Phelps has done for the past 4 years is "eat, sleep, and swim". As a twenty-something on the Ann Arbor, MI bar scene, I'm here to say, NOT TRUE, NBC!!! I have in fact seen Michael out and about AA, where he lives and trains, in varied forms of intoxication, which is TOTALLY NORMAL. He is just a goofy kid, who in fact is a pretty good beer pong player. We here in Ann Arbor have had a great time watching him win endorsement after endorsement, and are ready for him to come back to Michigan to bet some of that cash on college drinking games.

[Andrea]

Two of my friends paid a "Life Coach" $300 per hour to have their "sessions" through a SPEAKERPHONE!!! Counseling by conference call - who knew? Last I heard, my friends were well past their tenth session. Too bad they didn't take me up on my offer to motivate them for a mere $200 per hour ;)

[Andrea]

Two of my friends paid a "Life Coach" $300 per hour to have their "sessions" through a SPEAKERPHONE!!! Counseling by conference call - who knew? Last I heard, my friends were well past their tenth session. Too bad they didn't take me up on my offer to motivate them for a mere $200 per hour ;)

[Andrea]

Two of my friends paid a "Life Coach" $300 per hour to have their "sessions" through a SPEAKERPHONE!!! Counseling by conference call - who knew? Last I heard, my friends were well past their tenth session. Too bad they didn't take me up on my offer to motivate them for a mere $200 per hour ;)

[Erika]

I love the idea of using (private) competition to egg yourself into more action. No matter how many times my husband tells me to the contrary, life IS a competition. You just get to choose whether or not you care about the rankings.

[saneandsingle]

Hey! Stop watching the Olympics and thinking so much! Get to writing! I'm soooo ready for upcoming Lancaster! Oh yeah...come back to Atlanta!

[krista colvin]

I'm thinking I need the client list from the $10k coach...

[Mary Kay]

It seems all the good events are over or almost over. What's left--badminton? (which I cannot believe is an Olympic event to begin with...)

[Jessica B.]

The fact that Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals and still checked his Facebook account (more than once) makes him my favorite athelete. Not to mention how good he looks in the Speedos.

[Linda]

Life Coaches are the Snake Oil Salesmen of the new millenium. Although at least with Snake Oil you could tie one on (patent medicines were just booze in a fancy bottle).

'Sides, how many "Alphas" end up with failed marriages, kids who hate them and substance abuse problems?

I'll stick to being an underachiever. It doesn't pay well, but I'm not worried about being stabbed in the back at every meeting.

[Kristabella]

I am seriously depressed that there will be no more swimming events and/or Michael Phelps for FOUR MORE YEARS.

[Karina in T.O]

Life coach = some assclown who's stealing money from your wallet to tell you what your insecurities are. And telling you things as an adult you already know in theory, but just don't do in practice! If I'm ever watching a show and someone says their profession is life coach I just start to howl. Why don't you just call yourself a struggling actor already? It's all such a load, such a load, I tell you!

And as far as the Olymics go....nothing help motivate like a bunch of 6'3" women vollyeball players who get to play their sport in bikinis! What the hell is that?? Meanwhile the dudes are wearing long shorts and t-shirt. I sense a little gender inequity my friends. And honestly, I don't ever remember watching the Olympics this much. I've had to "go off" a couple of times to get us out of the gym by 10pm so we can make the swimming races (GO Phelps!!) My hubby and I watched the ENTIRE women's marathon on Saturday....Just madness! 26 miles and then some victory laps? Dude, I'm doing the victory lap in a pool of ice-cubes with an IV drip attached to me!! Sheesh!

And we both agree....real women gymnists look more like the US gals, not the infants sporting the Chinese uniforms. I dare say there isn't a single menstral cycle flowing amongst those girls. You can't convince me they're 16! Not to mention the fact that the 4'11" US girl looks like Godzilla next to the tiny Chinese gymist....give me a break.

[PVZ]

Personally I think that life coach is another way of saying "I don't have the actual degree to give myself a real professional name" --if you really need help pay someone with an actual credential folks.

Thanks, I needed that.

[Susan]

Hiliarious!!! A friend turned me on to your books and I am a huge fan! With regards to this post, any time you want me to do something, tell me I can't do it. Or, put me in a situation where a man with a Napoleon complex thinks he knows more about my job than I do. ;)

[mamaduck]

Ha! Yes, keep posting how you feel..I live vicariously through all the funny comments. Your take on all the stupid and smart things we all do in an effort to LIVE- hilarious!

[kara]

Don't get me started on life coaches and motivational speakers and the like. In the two months I've been in this new job, I've had to sit through two, count 'em, TWO, sessions with this type of consultant and always feel like it's the Emperor's New Clothes and I'm the only one who sees a naked guy at the podium. It amazes me that these people get paid to espouse common sense from the pulpit -- really? I should ask people about themselves at cocktail parties? No way! Or, really? I should treat people as they wish to be treated? Wow, I never knew that. Wow, I sure am glad the organizing committee paid thousands for those tidbits, a-hole.

It's just so ridiculous.

On another, and more childish topic, Ms Lancaster, for someone whose books report that the author is made queasy by any talk of s-e-x, I enjoyed your use of the smirk-worthy euphemism "act of love". Tee hee hee.

[Tracy]

Really I wanted to comment on The Secret which I finished reading over the weekend, but it ties in nicely to the life coaches are charlatans aspect of this Olympic thing.

Anyway, after living my entire life as a pessimist filled with self deprecating humor and sarcasm, I expected to hate The Secret (much like I hated The Rules).

But, I am afraid there is a shred of truth to the positive thinking/visualization thing. For example, 8 years ago I had a photo of that Josh Todd dude from Buck Cherry on my refrigerator. Then, I placed a personal ad in the paper and asked for a skinny blue collar guy with tattoos.

And we are still together and engaged...

So does that make the advice in The Secret real? When you see me on Martha Stewart, you will know it's true...

[Twenty Four At Heart]

It seems my whole life people have been telling me what I can't do. My entire being then goes into competitive overdrive to prove them wrong. And I have. Time and time again. Sometimes I think I'm ridiculous and simply exhausting myself. However, you are either born with a competitive drive or not. Life coaches? My apologies to those who are reading, but to me - it's a crock of shit.

[trainermom]

Speaking of more sports on a trampoline, did you take note of the Chinese guy named Dong Dong?

[Emily]

I am definitely one to do the competitive workout thing... I was going to get a personal trainer, but why pay the money when you can focus on one person and they become your personal trainer by proxy?

[The Modern Gal]

Have you figured out how to make writing competitive? Is there a nemisis in some other author who might finish their book before you?

[Terri]

"The rub is that confidence can't be taught – it can only be achieved, say, by climbing a mountain or perhaps putting $10,000 towards an MBA program."

Exactly! Take the 10,000 smackers (if you've got it lying around) and use it to accomplish something!

10,000? Really? That's a lot of Coach bags. And people do this... amazing. We're sure this isn't Scientology? After the free personality test, I guess the fees really add up.

[Erin]

Isn't there something ironic about the fact that someone who can afford to drop $10,000 doesn't already see themselves as successful? I mean sure there are trust fund yahoos out there, but if you can afford to spend $10,000 on Life Coaching (of all stupid things) then you must be doing something right already...right?

I am absolutely going to do that nemesis thing...when I start going to the gym...someday :)

[jras]

When I was little my mom used to tell me I should be a manager because I liked to tell people what to do so much.
Now, perhaps she'd tell me to be a life coach?

[Kati]

Hay Jen!! I loved your books and can't wait till you finish your next one. I so have gym nemesis's. I usally check out someone else who is on the treadmills or bikes at the same time as me and try to match or beat them for time & speed. I also do this when I take yoga, therefore inventing what I call "Competitive Yoga." While my mind loves this kind of work out, my body hates me for it.

[Katherine]

I have never watched the Olympics so much. My husband and I even watched all of the women's marathon on Saturday. I have butt sores now.
Life coach - bullshit - get out there and work your ass off. Nothing worth it is easy.

[Armalite]

Hi Jen, this is my first comment on your blog. I found the address at the end of "Bitter...", which I read last year during a Miami-Los Angeles road trip. I had forgotten my driving licence home, and almost got killed over it by the three friends who were traveling with me and counted on me to share the driving with them; but in the end it turned out all right since it gave me more time to read in the car :)
So anyway. I'm French, currently living in Brussels and working as a translator (sci-fi, fantasy & chick lit). I'd love to translate your novels one day. And to come back to this post's subject, the only reason I've been watching the Olympics is not to die of boredom while climbing fictive stairs for half an hour on my Wii Balance Board. The things a motivated human body can achieve will never cease to achieve this couch potato!

[Melody]

It all goes back to the theory that someone can open your brain and pour in what you need to know. From a technology trainer's pov, the "participants" who shell out $10,000 for this would be much better off taking classes at their community colleges. Oh, wait. That might require effort.

[Kayce]

I hate to think what the dumb asses who bullied Phelps in school are saying now. Great post as always Jen!

[tutugirl1345]

I think I would have enjoyed the Olympics more if it hadn't been "all Phelps, all the time." Yes, he's awesome. But so are so many other athletes, like the woman who won the marathon by a lot.

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

Silent competition? Is my lifestyle. The medal ceremonies are surprisingly under-populated, though.

[Jane]

OK Jen...have you checked out the team diving??? Hell, I never enjoyed men in speedos so much in my life!

WOOF!