Payback

Dear Neighbor,

Remember this weekend when you idled right outside my bedroom window?  And you played shitty house music as loud as your fifteen year old Buick's radio would allow?  With your bass turned up so high my fillings rattled?  For, like, twenty minutes?  At 3:00 AM?  And when I went outside to glower at you, all you did was move two spaces up?  Remember that?

No?  You can't recall?

Too bad. 

Because that'd go a long way in explaining why I was organizing my purse right beneath your open bedroom window late last night, playing Natasha Beddingfield as loud as my Harmon Kardon speakers would allow. 

By the way, I don't have a day job. 

But from the looks of your pajamas, you do.

Think about it.

Best,

Jen

P.S.  Next time, I'm breaking out my Wham CD.  Consider yourself warned.

Comments

[Joy]

I must say, if you are looking for true cruelty, I mean real oughta-be-declared-unconstitutional type action, you might go get yourself a mix CD of eighties TV theme songs. They're cheap, and frankly, there's no way your neighbor is going to get to sleep once he's got the theme song to "Facts of Life," "Three's Company," or "Diff'rent Strokes" going through his head.

[KateKavanaugh]

Oh and if he loves house... he'll HATE countrey.

I vote Dolly Parton!

[KateKavanaugh]

I love it. When my family had this problem as a child at our cottage, my father bought a back-hoe and idled it under their windows at 7 am after they had a night long party.

I got my bitchiness from him.

And, I'm with you on the shitty house music.

[class factotum]

Apparently, cooking at 9:00 pm or closing the patio door is very annoying to the upstairs neighbors, the ones who do laundry every day at 8 am and again at 4 pm. (Two persons, two loads, every day.)

We know that cooking at 9 and closing the patio door is annoying because my fiance' went upstairs at 6 am to ask them to please, please stop using the carpet sweeper every day at that hour. (We had given up on the laundry -- a bribe of chocolate chocolate chip cookies along with the explanation that my fiance' has conference calls with India at midnight and hence needs to sleep later than 8 did not soften their hearts.)

They told him that this was NOT New York City (where I suppose it is quiet at 6 am?) but Wisconsin, where people get up early, and then complained about all the noise that we were making.

I spent our last month in that apt. slamming the patio door several times a night.

[Allyson]

Flogging Molly has always worked for me. And Dwight Yokum.

[Jill]

LOVE IT!!! I too am blessed with wonderful neighbors who like to pump their bass loud - I guess to make sure my fillings are securely implanted in my teeth? Anyhoo - I have, on more than one occassion, thanked them back with a little "Livin' La Vida Loca" and "She Bang" by the fabulous Ricky Martin!!

Love thy neighbor? I think not . . .

[Jenna]

When I lived in my college dorm the girls who lived next to me used to think it was fun to stay up 'til 4:00am with either their tv and/or radio turned up as loud as they would go. Since they seemed to enjoy loud music at odd hours I thought they would think it was really fun when I used to leave Godsmack turned up as loud as it would go with the speakers facing their wall at 7am in the morning while I was at class. They didn't seem to think that was as much fun but I sure as hell did.

[Cynthia L.]

You & your blog are like "happy medicine" for me....gives me that same giddy feeling I have after the dental hygenist has administered nitrous oxide!

Thanks.

These are days when I truly need it.

Just want you to know, you are brightening my life during a very difficult time...Thank you--Cyn.

[Tiffany]

LOL!!! I just read your books and now reading your blogs. Reading this blog, I remembered 2 years ago, when my family and I were living in a complex..the neighbor decided to play the macarena over and over again for some reason. Unfortunately, that day...I was NOT in the mood due to migraines that I faced my computer speakers toward the wall and blasted a Christian song (which was on repeat). Because my head was pounding...I slept on my daughter's bed on the other side of our place with the door closed.

Five hours later and afterward? They never blasted their music again. But, I am pretty sure they resumed when we finally moved out and into our new home. HA!!!

I know, I KNOW!!! Christian music? Yes.. i love it and it works wonders! ;)

May I suggest not only should you use Wham but to use Culture Club too?

[Barbara Handford]

One more post...on the topic...my boyfriend and I sleep in seperate rooms, because I find it impossible to sleep in a room that's louder than the LAX airport...wanna borrow him?

[Barbara Handford]

Just finished your 'FAT' book...LOVE IT!!! My daughter was breathing down my neck all afternoon to hurry up so she can read it. I just found my fav new author..now I HAVE to drive like hell to the nearest borders and buy the rest of your books. Hurry! Hurry! Write more! ( I read fast).
I can totally relate to why pie is not the answer...but I love cake and cookies myself.

[Liz]

How about some Baha Men and "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

[Sheryl]

I'm a fan of "icing" someone. You simply place the speakers in the direction of the offending house/apartment/condo and play Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice and play it over and over and over.
Best of luck.

[jsg]

ok, so i'm just hoping you don't get shot one day...
that's pretty much what my husband says to me every time i provoke strangers/ neighbors, especially when we lived in the city. good luck jen. and, hey, duck.

[sizzle]

"Think about it."

That's perfect.

[All Adither]

Ha Ha! And how about some Wang Chung!

[Katherine]

That is the best, you rock Jen. I have to make sure I've had a potty break before I read your stuff. I laugh out loud. We live on a street with 9 houses and 7 or 8 of them belong to lawyers. Kind of limits the paybacks. Laywers on 3 sides, the 4th side is the pool guy, who told my husband that he watches us thru the back fence. I put clothes on now when I feed the dogs on the back patio! Not sure if my 172 naked pounds are giving him a thrill but I'm still not giving him another free shot! Best of luck with the writing.

[kell]

All I can say is I love you Jen, you are so damn funny I can't take it.

[Christine]

WHAM! has a certain appeal, but I have found that if you really want to get someone's attention, blasting a little Seether is the way to go. Something about a song called "F*ck Me Like You Hate Me" cranked up loud will clear the drive thru at Sonic, so I see no reason why it wouldn't also shut up rude neighbor types.

[trainermom]

Oh, go for the WHAM!!

You need to move to my hood-been here 3 years, and JUST met the geriatric next door! Nice quiet people-God only knows what they're saying about my lovely clan of 5.....

[myrtle]

Ha ha... gaaaaahhh.. I agree with the Bobby Goldsboro suggestion! How, how, how were those hits?? Throw in that other classic from the 70's "Feelings" for even more torture! Ewww.. also that MacArthur Park song about the cake in the rain... !

[kathy]

Jenn, I completely sypathize with you. My idiot neighbors let their kids ride 4x4's unsupervised and the lovely, little ones ran it into my garage door. I thought that someone was trying to break in!!! I had to call the police b/c the lovely, little ones took off. I now have a garage that sags and is waiting for the mother to pay to have it replaced. Oh, the headache....at least it gives me a reason to hang out with the girls, complain, and drink red wine:)

[Courtney]

AH HA HA HA!!!! Jen, your letters are the BEST. I've often considered writing similar ones to people I deal with at work. Too funny.

[Jamie in PDX]

I completely sympathize with your situation. I've found the best remedy for shutting up asshole neighbors is to point your speakers towards their window, find some late-90s middle-eastern techno music, turn it up full volume, set it on "repeat" and then GO OUT FOR THE NIGHT.

Works wonders. AND they'll probably spend the following day craving Saag Paneer.

[I love dogs]

Jen I love your books and I love your blog. I read them during a time when I wasn't doing so great and they just made me laugh and lifted my spirits. So nice to read a book by a woman who writes like I think (and talk).

May I please write a letter to my neighbors here?

To the two 30 something male tenants in my building:

what were you asshats thinking when you set off a firecracker at 4 a.m. outside of the house last Saturday ? That no one would hear it? Oh yeah and then you did it at 11 p.m. that night. Not once, but three times. Well guess what? That was me that blew my horn outside your bedroom window early Sunday morning. Did I wake you after you had been out till 3 a.m.? Oh, and the neighbor two doors down called the landlord and complained, I didn't have to.

Don't mess with a perimenopausal woman, guys. You won't win.

[SavvyD]

I wish I had your nerve, then maybe people wouldn't mess with me so much!! You're my heroine!! Finish Bitter is the New Black. OMG!! You made me snort laugh so many times. I'd like to think I'm alf as funny and half as mean on my blog. ;)

[Ginny]

Ha!!! After Wham, follow up with The Knack and then Barry Manilow. That'll teach'em!!!

[Kelly]

Classic.

[Corey]

I'm more of a fan of blasting New Kids on the Block when my neighbors piss me off. Somehow I have discovered they REALLY don't care for Hangin' Tough. :D

If only the dirt children (not a rascit remark, these kids DO NOT BATHE) would find the tacks I left in the yard to deter them from our property I'd be a happy camper!

[Kathy]

OMG. I have the worst neighbors ever. He steals from the other tenant's storage and she's boinking some of the boys in the neighborhood.

I have a list *this long* of their slights against me. The latest is he waits 'til I get in the shower in the morning, and then hops into his shower. The water pressure drops and goes cold on me. I've tried sneaking into the shower, but he still hears me. One day last week I got up at 4 am and stumbled around trying to get him to think it was time to get up, but it didn't work.

Today I just didn't bother to get up at the usual time, and he went directly to work without showering. That's the biggest thing that pissed me off. He showers every night. It's only recently that he started joining me in the morning. Asshole!

If any of you have anything I can do to get back at them, I'm open to anything that won't get me arrested!

[Stacy]

Best one that really pisses your neighbors off is Highway to Hell by AC/DC. Works everytime. We used to face our speakers down on the floor and crank it as loud as it could go when the dumb fucks that lived below us would ride their mini bikes up and down the drive way (that was only long enough to fit 4 cars) at 8 am...and no they were not kids they were in their mid to late twenties and to damn dumb to be out on their own.

[Kelsey]

So the next time you do this you totally have to start with Britney's "Oops I did it again". That ought to get them..

[Carrie]

I'm still laughing at the Wham! lyrics . . .

[Heather]

Hey!
Unrelated but have you heard about the (potential) new V-Mars movie???!......
http://ausiellofiles.ew.com/2008/08/exclusive-veron.html

[Jessie]

It may be just too cruel, but I am a fan of "The Song That Never Ends" in this type of situation.

[MizFit]

rick astley is my personal fave in those situations.

or hire a john cusack impersonator to hold a boom box up in the air...

[Amy]

I also recommend playing anything Bobby Goldsboro - "Honey" or the one where he sings about watching Scotty grow. Guaranteed to make anyone leave not just the house, but probably the city too.

[Lisa Johnson]

I'm thinking more like Milly Vanilli's Blame it on the Rain? It would be enough to send me in the house and close my windows tight!

[Sally]

After 2 years of hearing the guy downstairs blast music loud enough to vibrate my entire apartment, I told on him to the landlord when discussing renewing our lease. Childish? Yes. But we pay more rent than him so are more valued by the landlord. Haven't heard him since.

[Kelly]

For your reference:

Jitterbug [4X]

You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts
Jitterbug into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same
But something's bugging you
Something ain't right
My best friend told me what you did last night
Left me sleepin' in my bed
I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead.

Wake me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
Wake me up before you go-go
'Cause I'm not plannin' on going solo
Wake me up before you go-go
Take me dancing tonight
I wanna hit that high (yeah, yeah)

You take the grey skies out of my way
You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day
Turned a bright spark into a flame
My beats per minute never been the same

'Cause you're my lady, I'm your fool
It makes me crazy when you act so cruel
Come on, baby, let's not fight
We'll go dancing, everything will be all right

Wake me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
Wake me up before you go-go
'Cause I'm not plannin'' on going solo
Wake me up before you go-go
Take me dancing tonight
I wanna hit that high (yeah, yeah, baby)

(Jitterbug)
(Jitterbug)

Cuddle up, baby, move in tight
We'll go dancing tomorrow night
It's cold out there, but it's warm in bed
They can dance, we'll stay home instead

(Jitterbug)

Wake me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
Wake me up before you go-go
'Cause I'm not plannin' on going solo
Wake me up before you go-go
Take me dancing tonight
Wake me up before you go-go, don't you dare to leave me hanging on like a
yo-yo
Take me dancing

(Boom-boom-boom)

From lyricsondemand.com (I'm not sure how accurate they are).

[Jessica]

Haha. Payback is a wonderful thing! Just a note in case you need to use it, when our wonderful neighbors treat us to their pumping bass, I break out the karaoke. And as Jellybean suggested above, my singing along to the top of my lungs to "Walking on Sunshine" always does the trick! :)

[marlee]

Ass-stain.

[kalisah]

You'd think these people would've learned by now not to fuck with Jen!

[Toasty]

Wake me up before you go go, bee-otch!

[JellyBean]

How about a little "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina & the Waves? Nothing like cheery music to piss off people.

[Somedayme2]

When I am playing radio battle with the neighbors while lounging in the pool, I break out the mix cd. I have several depending on the degree of smashing I intend to do. The big guns are my son's rap mixes. That shuts them up everytime!

[Shan]

Great post. I wonder if your neighbors can even read, though? You go, Jen! (How about the soundtrack to the Bodyguard? That'll get the bastards.

[Mary Kay]

An old boyfriend in college would always pull out The Knack's "My Sharona" and blast it across the quad at 7 AM...on a Saturday.
He worked the 2 - 6 AM weekend shift at Peoria's WMBD radio and he was tired and bitchy by the time Saturday morning rolled around.

[Judy]

It's hanging on like a yo-yo

[Jen on the Edge]

I totally recommend either "High School Musical" or anything in the Hannah Montana genre for truly pissing people off.