jennsylvania

I Don't Write about Politics

But I write a lot about not writing about politics.

Yo, check it.

(How funny is it that you can see my Ollie North book and Reagan bio in the background?)

No Vampires Were Harmed in the Writing of This Post

Blame Stephenie Meyer if I've been MIA lately.  I essentially checked out of my own life about a week ago because of the Twilight series and I finally came up for air on Sunday when I finished.  I have no idea why these books have drawn me in so much.  First, they're for young adults (strike one), they're about teenage vampires (strike two), and I pretty much hate every single character in them save for Alice and Jacob.  Also?  "Renesmee" is possibly the dumbest name imaginable.  (BTW, if I ever hear you calling to your little Renesmee in the grocery store or in the aisle at Target, THERE WILL BE MOCKING.)  Regardless, I haven't been sucked into a book to this extent since Harry Potter, so whatever Stephenie Meyer is doing, she's doing it right.

I've also been watching a lot of True Blood on HBO.  Not only have I seen all the episodes, but I also watched every produced short available about them via my cable's On Demand service.  Plus, I just ordered the books upon which it's based.  I'm not kidding when I say it's been all blood-drinking all the time around here.  Even though I'm confident that vampires don't really exist, I've watched/read so much lately that there's a tiny part of me that wonders what if it were plausible? 

Seriously, I've got to lay off the vampire genre for a while.

What's ironic is I just started reading my new friend Tatiana Boncompagni's book Gilding Lily.

Am adoring this book, except I've been on edge the whole time I've been reading it because I keep trying to figure out which Park Avenue socialite turns into a vampire.  (Hint?  None of them.)  (At least not in the literal sense.)

In other news, I'm editing my first draft, so posting will be sporadic again.  Also, we're likely going to be moving soon and I'll be busy there, too.  On top of our ongoing structural/mold/asbestos problems, a crime wave has swept a one block radius around here.  In the last two weeks, there have been a number of drug busts, a couple of thwarted stabbings, and break-ins in three different homes. 

The forced entries are what really get me - I mean, they're scary under any circumstance.  However, they're even more chilling because these entries aren't happening during the day when the houses are empty.  Each attempted attack has happened in the middle of the night.  This has caused some wild speculation on our part because we've been trying to figure out why anyone would try to break in when he knew the residents would be home.  That's not typical burglar behavior.  The person breaking in wants something - and it might not be a laptop.

The last attempted entry happened NEXT DOOR.  The police told our neighbors that a guy just released from prison recently moved into our neighborhood.  They speculate the issues we've been having relate to him.  Awesome!

I may actually have seen the person who's responsible for what's going on.  A couple of weeks ago I was working in my (sinking) office off the back of the house.  There's a glass door next to my desk and I leave it door open (but locked) because the cats like to sun themselves there.  Plus, this keeps them from trying to sit on my wrists. 

So, I was at my desk watching a non-homeless-looking person walking down my alley.  He appeared to be checking things out.  The thing is, unless you live here, there's no reason to be in my alley because it's not a shortcut to anywhere.  Just being there and not in a car is reason enough for suspicion.  I watched as this guy walked past my house and I saw the expression on his face when he noticed my door was open.  He stopped in his tracks and then immediately made a beeline through the vacant backyard next door and headed right towards my house.

What he didn't expect was for me to step out of the shadows with a pit bull and a huge shepherd/wolf mix, shouting, "NO FUCKING WAY."

He left a vapor trail in his wake.

Anyway, let me just say this in case anyone's worried about us - Fletch and I have taken every possible precaution to secure our home against intruders.  Every one.  More than anything, we're annoyed right now, but we're all set in terms of safety. 

Unless the perpetrator is a vampire. 

We don't have any silver buckshot.

Yes, That Was Me (And Maisy!)

In case you were wondering.

(If I were allowed to blog about it, I would.)

(And if you think I did a good job or would like to see me more, maybe you should let them know?)

OK, Now You're Just Begging for a Fight, Jen

(This post won't make sense if you haven't read the Twilight series.)

I'm halfway through Eclipse and I'm starting to wonder, "Is it just me, or has Edward Cullen kind of turned into a controlling douchebag?"

Discuss.

P.S.  Google turns up 158,000 entries for "I hate Edward Cullen" and 1,240,000 for "I love Edward Cullen."  Clearly I'm in the minority here.

P.P.S.  In case I wasn't clear, TEAM JACOB!

P.P.P.S.  SpellCheck suggests I change the word "douchebag" to "Duesenberg."  For some reason, I find this very, very funny.

When Did This Site Turn into The Bizarre Food News Network?

From WNBC.com:

VERMONT -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.

"PETA's request comes in the wake of news reports that a Swiss restaurant owner will begin purchasing breast milk from nursing mothers and substituting breast milk for 75 percent of the cow's milk in the food he serves," the statement says.

PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health.

"The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn't make sense," says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. "Everyone knows that 'the breast is best,' so Ben & Jerry's could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk."

In a statement Ben and Jerry's said, "We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child."

Thanks for saying "no, thanks," Ben and Jerry. 

Tonight I'll raise a pint of ONE Cheesecake Brownie in your honor.

On the Plus Side, They Sell Chicken Breast for $1.89/Pound

Do you guys know what these are? 

(Or can you not tell because my BlackBerry takes shitty pictures?)  (Or possibly the person operating my BlackBerry takes shitty pictures?)

Look closer. 

Need a hint? 

Moo.

Yes.  That's right.  These are cow hooves. 

Which are being sold at my neighborhood grocery store. 

Which must mean there's a neighborhood demand for them.

Which is so many kinds of wrong. 

Previously on Bravo (Night)

Last week on Project Runway night:

"...I have trouble watching her on 90210 because she was so evil on Nip/Tuck.  Like, profoundly evil.  And perpetually, persistently wicked.  You'd see her do something so horrible one week that you couldn't believe she could top it, and yet she did, week after week.  I see her now and remember how vicious her character was.  She was so depraved that it colors everything else I see her in going forward.  I keep waiting for her to stab someone on that show," Stacey says.  "Do you understand what I mean?"

"Yeah... I get it.  Like Jason Bateman," I reply.

Stacey looks puzzled.  "When was Michael Bluth ever evil?" 

"Oh, no.  Ha!  I mean like Patrick Bateman."

"Who?"

"Patrick Bateman, you know, American Psycho?  Um, what's his name.  You know.  Patrick Bateman."

"I'm sorry, I don't know who you mean.  I've never seen the movie."

"You know him.  What's his name?  Um, Patrick Bateman.  Patrick Bateman.  Patrick Bateman!  You know.  Patrick Bateman!"

She shakes her head. "No, I don't know.  Does repeating it over and over again and shouting seem to help you remember?"

"Yes, and come on.  You know this guy.  Patrick Bateman?  Or," I snap my fingers, "Batman."  (pause)  "Batman."  (pause)  "Batman."  (pause)  "Come on, help me out; I can't think of his name.  Batman."  (pause)  "Patrick Bateman Batman.  Bateman Batman.  BATMAN!  BATMAN!"

"Adam West?"

"Too old!"

"Michael Keaton?  George Clooney?"

"BATMAN!"

"Val Kilmer?"

"NO, BATMAN!  NOT OLD BATMAN, NEW BATMAN!  BATMAN, YOU KNOW, PUNCHED HIS MOTHER, TABLOID, BLOND HAIR, BATMAN, SKINNY FOR THE MACHINIST, YOU KNOW, BATMAN!  BATMAN!!  BATMAN!!!"

She's a bit shell-shocked after my outburst.  I notice she's moved all the way to the end of the couch and her back is kind of pressed up against the wall and her eyes are wide.  Slowly, she asks, "You mean Christian Bale?"

"Yes.  Batman.  Christian Bale.  Anyway, what were you saying about the 90210 girl?"

* * *

And this week on Project Runway night, all is forgiven. 

As an added bonus, we take a Top Chef field trip to a tasting night at Chalkboard.

"For the love of God, Stephanie, don't mention Batman."

UPDATED WITH 100% MORE SQUALOR - HALP; Or, The Universe Does Not Want Me to Finish This Book

Remember last week when I said our new sink was leaking?  And I was upset because I thought it was a big deal?  And I was all stressed out?

Well, guess what?  I'm not stressed about the tiny leak anymore. 

BECAUSE MY HOUSE IS SINKING.

As in:

THE BACK OF MY HOUSE IS SECEDING FROM THE FRONT.

(Caveat: Yes, I realize I didn't just lose all my shit in a hurricane and I'm really sorry for anyone who did.  But I don't live in hurricane territory and yet MY HOUSE IS SO WATERLOGGED IT'S SINKING ANYWAY.)

I live in an old row house and there's a small addition off the back.  That's where my office is.  Part of the floor in there is now a good two inches lower than it was last week and the foundation beneath is cracked and water has been spilling into the basement.

But wait!  There's more!

Water's been gushing down the interior wall in my kitchen between the addition and the office - at least a gallon has come through the wall in the last day.  All the drywall is so saturated the under-cabinet light fell out of the wall and is now an on-counter light.  I'm concerned the studs are wet to the point that the cabinets may come down.  I'm just now figuring out this has all been leaking for quite a while, but each time previous I'd assumed a cat had peed on the counter and that dogs had whizzed in the basement.  (What?  We're a tad bit ghetto, so it was a rational assumption.) 

What's really scary is water's been pouring over the electrical outlet in the kitchen and washing over the breaker box in the basement.  The flow has stopped for now, but everything's still soaked.  Also, I've noticed I can see daylight through the bottom of the exterior wall because the entire corner of my office has rotted clean-through.

I'm no structural engineer, but in my professional opinion, this seems kind of bad.

Apparently my landlords don't find this to be nearly as immediate a problem as I do, because no one's coming over here to look at it until Tuesday.

Do you know how many times I can die in an electrical fire between now and Tuesday? 

(I bet it's a bunch.)

I rarely solicit advice, but for this?  Consider me soliciting. 

Has anyone had this kind of water damage?  If so, what did you do? 

Do we call the fire marshal in the interim?  Fletch said something about blah blah blah water grounds but the electric won't spark unless there's combustible material blah blah but I'd rather not take Mr.-C-in-Science's advice when it comes to my possibly being incinerated.  Worrying about fire kept me up almost all night last night and I came down to feel the wall for heat at least a hundred times.  I won't leave the animals alone in the house until we're given the all-clear and I've got a bag packed with extra clothes (and all my jewelry) in case something happens.  Yes.  This is exactly how I'd like to be living right now.   

I shouldn't be able to poke my finger through drywall, right?  And how moldy do you think this place is now?  (BTW, want to guess how great wet hundred year old insulation smells?)

Has anyone else ever had their office sink? 

And should we have gotten some sort of rent concession for losing two out of three bathrooms for two months and having our bedroom used as a garage?  Also, the construction got both dogs really sick and I had to pay $400 in vet bills for their upper respiratory infections.  Should that have been a concession?

Did I mention I still have one chapter left on this book which is already late because of the previous construction and this is the last fucking thing I need in the world right about now?

HALP.

Light fall down, boom.

Note: you're not on shrooms - the wall really is that wavy.

It's just a flesh wound.

Like the movie Titanic, only nobody gets naked.

Mah squishy walls, let me show dem to u.

What was lurking behind a really lovely pottery barn filing cabinet.  If you angle your head, you can see outside!  THIS CAN'T BE GOOD.

Maisy Says Thank You

Now where'd I put my lipstick?

Bite Me, Highland Park - FINAL UPDATE

FINAL UPDATE:  Bella and Jackson are heading to their new home in South Dakota this weekend.  Thanks to all of you for your help!

Earlier I said that Trish included a link to how Ohio has lost its fucking mind.  They're trying to ban all pit bulls and if the bill goes into effect, existing bullies will be euthanized.  Don't let them get away with this shit.  Click to sign the petition and get more information.

However, I'm hearing that online petitions don't work nearly as well as individual contact.  Here's the infomation so you can contact the author of House Bill 568:

Representative Tyrone Yates
77 S. High St
11th Floor
Columbus, OH 43215-6111
Email: district33@ohr.state.oh.us
Telephone: (614) 466-1308
Fax : (614) 719-3587

I urge you to let him know what you think of his law. 

If you need enticement, let me throw this out there.  I'm going to do my best to not tour in towns or states that support breed specific legislation. 

Ohio, step up. 

Denver, you're on notice.

* * *

These two dogs are about to lose their homes.

The condensed version is this - a family just moved to a lovely neighborhood in Highland Park, IL.  But apparently it's not so lovely because as soon as the neighbors caught sight of these two beautiful bullies, they began a petition to ban them.  For a couple of different reasons, the new homeowners don't have the ability to fight the town and they're being forced to give up their dogs and they are HEARTSICK.

The owners found a family willing to take Bella, the four year old female, but not Jackson, the two year old male.  They're putting off Bella's takers because they desperately want the dogs to be able to go together.  Yet they're well aware of the statistics that only one out of every SIX HUNDRED pit bulls actually gets placed.  The family promises to drive anywhere in the country to deliver the dogs, too.

If there's anything you can do to help these sweet doggies, please email me at jenwritesbooks(AT)gmail(dot)com and I'll forward your information.  (Yes, you'll get the stupid auto-response but I pretty much read every email the second I get it so I will see your response.)  You can also leave your info in the comments section.

If you can't do anything to help these doggies yet you appreciate that my wanting to stay at home with my own loving pit bull (and Loki, too) is the main reason I pursued a writing career, please consider supporting any of these worthy bully breed rescue organizations.

Midwest Rescue

Pit Bulls Fighting for Their Lives

Bad Rap

Chicago Bully Breed Rescue

Pit Bull Rescue Central

OK, now I've got a book to finish... and some dogs to hug.

(P.S. Highland Park?  You just made my list.)

As You Wish

Lotta ground to cover here today, so prepare yourself.

OK, here we go.

RECOMMENDED READING

First, you people want book recommendations?  You got 'em.  Here's everything I've finished in the last month:

Queen of the Road is basically what would happen if you took me, gave me a modicum of maturity and a better education, and then tricked me into living on a (very nice) bus with my husband and pets for a year.  I loved this book and I love this author.  If you want a taste of what I'm talking about, check out Doreen Orion's website; it's probably the best author's site I've ever seen.  Lots of multimedia stuff and you can read parts of the book!

A hidden bonus of going on book tour is meeting bookstore owners and employees.  Such was the case at Good Great Place for Books in Oakland.  (BTW, all of you who warned me about how murder-y Oakland is?  Yeah, my biggest fear in this 'hood was being run over by a Range Rover.)  Anyway, the owner picked out The Book of Joe by Jonathan Tropper and promised I'd enjoy it.  She was so right.  It's a story about an author who wrote a novel trashing the town where he grew up and what happens when he finally returns to that town years later.

Whacked by Jules Asner frustrates me, but only because as soon as I finished it I wanted to send Jules a big, squealing fangirl note and there's pretty much no way to contact her.  No website, no MySpace, no Facebook, no nothing.  (My guess it's because she's married to director Steven Soderberg and probably doesn't need ten billion aspiring screenwriters and actors using her book as an excuse to get to him.)  Regardless, Whacked is kind of dark chick lit where the heroine is a stalker, but you root for her anyway.  And love you, Jules Asner!  Call me!  Don't make me continue to stalk YOU.

Allison Winn Scotch recommended Confessions of a Contractor by Richard Murphy.  (Do you read Allison's blog?  I buy everything she recommends and I've yet to be anything less than delighted.)  What's nice is this book actually explains why the fuck it took eight weeks to finish my bathroom, but more importantly, tells a solidly-crafted story about a contractor getting too involved with the lives of his clients.

The Opposite of Love by Julie Buxbaum is another AWS suggestion.  I picked it up about a month ago and didn't put it down until I was done.  It's a great novel about loss and love and finally figuring out who you are.  Spellbinding, seriously.

And now, for what I'm about to read:

Alison Pace is one of my favorite authors, so her new novel City Dog is at the top of my stack.  She excels at creating well-defined, witty characters.  City Dog is about a serious novelist who takes a segue into writing bestselling children's books -it's sure to be a treat!  Check out her Amazon blog and you can read the beginning!

Joanne Rendell is one of my MySpace buddies and her new book The Professors' Wives' Club just came out.  It's being billed as Sex and the City for the academic set, and how can that not be interesting? 

I bought Sheer Abandon by Penny Vincenzi because I opened it to a random page in the middle of the book and totally wanted to read more.  (That's my litmus test for any book, BTW.)  From what I understand it's about a baby born and abandoned in Heathrow airport and what happens when the kid grows up and wants to know who her mom is.  I totally got a Lace vibe from it and, naturally, that spoke to my 80's-Phoebe-Cates-loving heart.  ("Which one of you bitches is my mother?)

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer - this is my reward for finishing my own book.  NO ONE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS.  I figure anything that's inspired that much Facebook flair has to be addictive.

Sometimes I buy a book just for the cover.  Check out Assisted Loving: True Tales of Double Dating with My Dad by Bob Morris.  Because 80 is the new 70.

WHAT I'M WATCHING

First, Gossip Girl.  Duh.  But I've also been totally and completely obsessed with the CBS show Swingtown. 

You guys, this is SO GOOD. 

The story takes place in a wealthy Chicago suburb in 1976.  It's about a nice nuclear family on its way up the social ladder.  They move from their bucolic middle class neighborhood to a big house by the lake, across the street from a couple with an open marriage who suck them in to a swinger lifestyle.

Yes, all of the above sounds really cheesy and tawdry, but the writers have done an amazing job making every character complex, like the head of the swingers who secretly wishes to be a regular housewife and the old neighbor who has trouble coming to terms with her friend's family's success.  Essentially the show is a bold look at the fallout from the sexual revolution of the 60's.  And it's available on iTunes if you're interested and you may be able to see full episodes on CBS.com, free.  Watch it for no reason other than to see the role Grant Show was born to play.

WEBSITES I OBSESSIVELY CHECK

If you all aren't already reading Jenny at the Blogess then do so immediately.  Four words for you:  Angry Transvestite Lego Army.

Senior editor Josh Wolk of EW has a blog and his take on pop culture is no less than brilliant.  Enjoy!  (And the next time I hit the bookstore, I'm getting his memoir Cabin Pressure.)

BATHROOM BEFORE AND AFTERS

Here's what my house looked like for eight weeks.

This was actually taken after some of the stuff was moved to the basement.  Please note how I cannot get to my side of the bed, as well as the inch-thick drywall dust.

This is our dressing area.  Do you know how many times I worried Fletch would get up in the dark and just whiz in the available toilet? 

Why I couldn't get to my treadmill for eight weeks.

The tiling that took weeks.  Multiple weeks.

Was it worth it?

The new ceiling in the powder room (that also took this bath out of the mix for eight weeks.)

My magnificent shower.  You can't really see the detail but the little tiles are onyx and are a million different shades of beach-glass green.

You also can't see the sink detail but it's a slab of quartz with tiny slashes of sage green and brown marbling.  You also can't see where Fletch had to shove the bucket because he just discovered that the sink is leaking.  HA, HA, HA, FUCK.

FINALLY, WHAT PASSES FOR HUMOR AROUND HERE

Fletch was shaving off his goatee but insisted I get shots of him with just a mustache first.  He laughed so hard he almost wet his pants when he saw this.  I was all, "You look like a Chicago cop, what of it?"

"I haz a butt."  "I haz a butt, too."

And finally, what I like to call Nature's Own Post-It Notes

Alrighty, I'll be back when the book is done! 

(If you guys have any suggestions for good books, shows, or websites in the interim, put them in the comments.)

A Cup of Civility

Before you even ask, no, the new book isn't done yet. 

Sigh.

It had been due September 1st but I got my due date pushed back until the end of the month because the tour was more extensive than originally anticipated and then we had work done in our house.  Work that was supposed to take somewhere between three days and a week.  That ended up taking eight. 

Eighth weeks.

Of construction.

In my house.

While I was trying to write a book.

For which I'm not compensated 'til complete.

Even though the contractor was super nice and his work is beautiful, eight weeks is more than enough time to lose patience with anyone.  I guarantee if John-John Kennedy himself came back from the grave to install your split travertine shower tiles, after a couple of weeks you'd be all crossed arms and a tapping foot, asking, "So, when do you anticipate finally being out of here?"

Anyway, I hope to complete the manuscript in the next few weeks, so posting's going to be even more light than usual, with a 50% chance of dog pictures when I do post.  However, in the next day or so I'll put up some reading/viewing suggestions in case you have a Jennsylvania-sized gap you'd like filled.

Also?  When I'm finally done with the book, you might expect me to weigh in on the election. 

Yeah, that's not going to happen. 

You guys know what team I'm on.  I don't need to tell you in fifteen paragraphs of ten-point font.  I'm not going to take this space to spout political ideology because that's not the point of this website.  And it's offensive if you came here to read funny Fletch-in-the-kitchen stories and instead, find me prattling on about privatizing Social Security or drilling in ANWR.  I have too much respect for you to force my own conservative dogma down your throats

And no matter what I'd try to say or the facts and figures I could dredge up, the simple truth is everyone has different views because all of us come from different circumstances.  Our individual histories influence each of our unique perspectives.  For example, my friend Shayla and I have very different feelings on labor unions.  Her earliest memories are of living in a small town in Iowa where her friends' families went bankrupt when the local factory decided to shut down rather than allow a union to operate.  As for me, mine are of not seeing my dad for months at a time because he was out breaking strikes and trying to get rid of unions.  Could our perspectives shift as we got older?  Sure.  But more often than not, we're going to view some issues through our original filters. 

And you know what?  We can still have a three hour lunch together, laughing the whole time, and none of the above changes that. 

In my writing I strive to find common ground with my readers.  I address topics on which we can come together.  I'd much rather discover what puts us in the same accord than that which draws us apart.  Maybe we're not on the same page about guns or taxes, but I bet we can agree on less important stuff, like cupcakes and wine and 80's music and Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl.  (OK, that last one might just be me.) 

Whatever team you're on, I bet if you check, you'll find that your dog's feet do smell like Fritos.  I bet you love your husband.  I bet you have a great group of girlfriends.  I bet you've all cursed your neighbors when they leave their garbage cans in your driveway.  I bet you've had at least one disastrous haircut in your life.  I bet you own a certain pair of shoes that you'd have cut a bitch to possess. 

I bet if you think about it, you'll find we all have a million samenesses and just a few differences. 

But those differences don't have to prevent us from enjoying each other's company provided we have a modicum of respect for each other.

Not long ago I went to a friend of a friend's house to watch Project Runway.  There was a group of us there and we were having a fabulous time until I was outed for having voted for the Bush administration.  Even though I'd been laughing and talking with everyone for a few hours - they LIKED me - the mood in the room changed instantly.  Suddenly, I was the enemy without ever having opened my mouth about politics.  After my outing, one of the people there literally stopped talking to me for the rest of the night.  Seriously, he would not even acknowledge my presence.  And that was bullshit.

I'm deeply weary of what I'm seeing on the Internet right now, too.  I'm tired of reading blogs by members of BOTH parties saying that if you don't agree with me, if you don't see the world exactly as I do, then you're either stupid, uninformed, or just quoting sound-bites.  I'm repulsed by the notion that if your ideas don't mirror mine, then you are WRONG WRONG WRONG and now I shall sic my comments section on you so they can reiterate how wrong you are because you couldn't possibly have drawn conclusions based on your own research, on your own experiences, on your own historical filter.

Again?  That's bullshit.  We should be grilling our leaders, not grilling each other.

When did we stop having rational discourse?  And why is there suddenly such a lack of common courtesy out there?  I understand everyone's passionate about what they believe, hence so many fiery posts.  But I don't think we're accomplishing anything with all polarizing, screamingly dogmatic blog posts.  How can anyone be expected to listen or get a better perspective on other people's filters when there's so much yelling going on?   

Regardless, this website is my living room on the Internet.  You all are my guests.  So I'm not bringing politics on this site during election season because I WILL NOT allow anyone to make you feel unwelcome or uncomfortable here in my home.

And if you need to use the bathroom, it's upstairs and to the right.