No Vampires Were Harmed in the Writing of This Post

Blame Stephenie Meyer if I've been MIA lately.  I essentially checked out of my own life about a week ago because of the Twilight series and I finally came up for air on Sunday when I finished.  I have no idea why these books have drawn me in so much.  First, they're for young adults (strike one), they're about teenage vampires (strike two), and I pretty much hate every single character in them save for Alice and Jacob.  Also?  "Renesmee" is possibly the dumbest name imaginable.  (BTW, if I ever hear you calling to your little Renesmee in the grocery store or in the aisle at Target, THERE WILL BE MOCKING.)  Regardless, I haven't been sucked into a book to this extent since Harry Potter, so whatever Stephenie Meyer is doing, she's doing it right.

I've also been watching a lot of True Blood on HBO.  Not only have I seen all the episodes, but I also watched every produced short available about them via my cable's On Demand service.  Plus, I just ordered the books upon which it's based.  I'm not kidding when I say it's been all blood-drinking all the time around here.  Even though I'm confident that vampires don't really exist, I've watched/read so much lately that there's a tiny part of me that wonders what if it were plausible? 

Seriously, I've got to lay off the vampire genre for a while.

What's ironic is I just started reading my new friend Tatiana Boncompagni's book Gilding Lily.

Am adoring this book, except I've been on edge the whole time I've been reading it because I keep trying to figure out which Park Avenue socialite turns into a vampire.  (Hint?  None of them.)  (At least not in the literal sense.)

In other news, I'm editing my first draft, so posting will be sporadic again.  Also, we're likely going to be moving soon and I'll be busy there, too.  On top of our ongoing structural/mold/asbestos problems, a crime wave has swept a one block radius around here.  In the last two weeks, there have been a number of drug busts, a couple of thwarted stabbings, and break-ins in three different homes. 

The forced entries are what really get me - I mean, they're scary under any circumstance.  However, they're even more chilling because these entries aren't happening during the day when the houses are empty.  Each attempted attack has happened in the middle of the night.  This has caused some wild speculation on our part because we've been trying to figure out why anyone would try to break in when he knew the residents would be home.  That's not typical burglar behavior.  The person breaking in wants something - and it might not be a laptop.

The last attempted entry happened NEXT DOOR.  The police told our neighbors that a guy just released from prison recently moved into our neighborhood.  They speculate the issues we've been having relate to him.  Awesome!

I may actually have seen the person who's responsible for what's going on.  A couple of weeks ago I was working in my (sinking) office off the back of the house.  There's a glass door next to my desk and I leave it door open (but locked) because the cats like to sun themselves there.  Plus, this keeps them from trying to sit on my wrists. 

So, I was at my desk watching a non-homeless-looking person walking down my alley.  He appeared to be checking things out.  The thing is, unless you live here, there's no reason to be in my alley because it's not a shortcut to anywhere.  Just being there and not in a car is reason enough for suspicion.  I watched as this guy walked past my house and I saw the expression on his face when he noticed my door was open.  He stopped in his tracks and then immediately made a beeline through the vacant backyard next door and headed right towards my house.

What he didn't expect was for me to step out of the shadows with a pit bull and a huge shepherd/wolf mix, shouting, "NO FUCKING WAY."

He left a vapor trail in his wake.

Anyway, let me just say this in case anyone's worried about us - Fletch and I have taken every possible precaution to secure our home against intruders.  Every one.  More than anything, we're annoyed right now, but we're all set in terms of safety. 

Unless the perpetrator is a vampire. 

We don't have any silver buckshot.

Comments

[Dominique]

I seriously am going to have to curtail my visits here. Every damn time I come I find a new author, new book, new something. I can't afford this. Thank god for paperbackswap.com!!
Glad to hear you are getting out of the ghetto Jen, doesn't sound like a fun place to be anymore.
Good luck with the first draft edit, having been an editor for a small publishing firm, I know it can be tedious. Can't wait for the new book though.

[hleakuhl]

Hey Jen! If you really want to read a GREAT vampire book then check out Gerry Bartlett! Her first book is titled "Real Vampires Have Curves" and I can guarantee you fall in love with Glory and the other characters! I have read everything in the series so far and am very anxiously awaiting the next book! My friend read this series and the Twilight series and said this one by Gerry Bartlett is better, hands down!

[Melissa]

Twilight series is great...not the usual genre I read, but I was hooked right away. The last series I got hooked on like this one was Harry Potter. Stephenie's book The Host is really good, too...a little more sci-fi. I am now reading The Hunger Games...also sci-fi, but still really good. Stay safe and hopefully they will catch this guy who is stalking the neighborhood. Can't wait for your new book...have a wonderful week! Ü

[Kathy]

Jen, girl, I promise you that the whole Vampire genre just sucks you in (umm, no pun intended) and then you just can't get out. I "had" to read the Twilight series to make sure that my daughter could read it, she got her whole class reading it (we also read Host--I like vamps better than mind-erasers...unless it's the shooter...wait, off topic.) Anyway, I've read all the Southern Vamp series. I'm from the South...required reading, and the Laurell Hamilton books...I kind of like the Meredith Gentry fairy ones a smidge better. But my FAVE, and I mean FAVORITE of all are the Kim Harrison series. I read, and got my HUSBAND hooked on them. Rachel Morgan--witch--her roommate Ivy--vamp--Jenks--hot little fairy friend-- You NEED to read them. (Aforementioned husband is boring corporate attorney guy, and he loved them.) Dead Witch Walking is the first one.....You will be hooked!!!!!

[MaryB]

Ooh-I love the Sookie books & read them all way too fast. If you're willing to read another teen series, you really need to check out the "House of Night" series by P.C. and Kristin Cast. At first, I passed it up in Books-A-Million because it looked a little porn-ish (house of night, prostitutes, yeah, that's where my mind was) but it's a great series. 'Course, as a middle school English teacher, I'm forced to read more teen books than is probably good for me but at least the books out there have pretty good writing and are interesting topics!

[Anna]

Loving True Blood...(Eric IS yummy) Sookie books are as addictive as Twilight so beware...clear your schedule.

[Aimee]

OMG I LOVE IT!! In a way it's good that people are afraid of pits...my little Daisy isn't quite scary yet, but I have my hopes. :)
Good luck!! I live in a less than stellar neighborhood, but the worst I've gotten (knock on wood) are the guys who look in the windows searching for the guy who used to sell him drugs.

He must have forgotten that was at least 7 years ago, but what can I say, he's on drugs.

Good luck!

[Rose]

Oh wow, I am so sorry to read about the problems in your neighborhood. Good for you for taking steps to protect yourselves.

[Christine]

Oh No You Didn't! Great to step out w your pit bull but please be careful and move soon!

[Amandangerous]

Renesmee IS the dumbest name ever!!
I am glad I am not alone in the world. I read it because of all the hype and was like "WHY!!! Why did they think that was CUTE!!"

[Katie]

I'm almost finished with the Sookie Stackhouse books. I'm so addicted which is weird since they are so far outside my usual reading genres. But I stay up way too late night after night to read them. Seriously, I must be stopped. I'm glad the author plans to continue writing about Sookie's adventures--new book due out in May 2009!

Loving True Blood. Can't get enough! Bill and Eric are welcome over at my house any day. Especially Eric (yum).

I've just started listening to Twilight on my iPod. So far, it is good.

[Soren]

I'm also watching True Blood, which caused me to go out and get the books-- I finished the first, am waiting on the 3rd b/c I had to get the 2nd one delivered...

re: break-ins... gotta say, having the Pit Bull and the Shepherd really come in handy at times like these eh? I have 2 greyhounds, and anyone who meets us on the street or path where we walk finds out what big mush-heads they are... but when someone comes to the door (usually selling something and not trying to break in) I hold them "back" like they're ripping to get at the guy's throat (in reality, they just want to get out and run around, maybe window shop)... anyway, big dogs look threatening, and it's a drawback usually, but comes in handy when you're a woman alone at home.

p.s. very happy to hear your're moving!

[Heather]

Don't worry, Stephenie Meyer did not say you could kill vampires with silver - so to that poster, try reading them they are sooo good.

I was so addicted to the Twilight series that I read them all in a weekend, and then immediately read them again. I think they are very well written and they are some of the best vampire fiction I have read in a long time.

Now, not to be a prude, but does anyone else find the Tru Blood series just a tad vulgar? I have seen 2 episodes and I was literally disgusted by some of the things happening on camera, (i.e graphic sex, etc) I want to like it, I really do, but it is almost to crude to watch. Are the books any better?

[Stephanie]

Also a True Blood watcher. I refuse to read the Twilight series, as much as vampire person I am (I have most of Buffy and Angel on DVD).

:::koff::: Silver doesn't kill vampires. Silver kills werewolves. What kind of lies is Stephenie Myers spreading.

If your ex-con IS a vampire, just don't invite him into your house. That's about as safe as you can get. I'm sure the dogs help too.

Anyway, stay safe and happy packing.

[jacki]

Might I recommend a glass of Vampire Merlot to go along with your Twilight/True Blood? It has become my new Sunday night ritual.

[DawnMarie]

Four words for you, Jen: LOUISVILLE SLUGGER & "SWING AWAY". Seriously. I know a bat may not be the best protection, but in a pinch you can inflict major damage with one if you're pushed to that level. Plus they can be painted to match your bedroom decor and fit nicely right between the bed and the nightstand.

On another note, all this hype has got me seriously intrigued about these large dark-covered books I keep passing up. Guess my next major purchases will have to be the Twilight series.

[Julie]

Renesemee is a ridiculously stupid name, that I agree. But I also suppose it's a teen fantasy for a reason. I mean, when you really break it down, Hermione isn't a real winner for a name either. I applaud Stephenie Meyer for taking all the shit she's been receiving over her books. Going in one should know that they're in the TEEN section and should be more than aware of the sappy teenage love affairs. I wouldn't expect anything less. I know I'm a sucker for a teen novel that's in a series; but if know you don't like that kind of thing than I'd just stay away from the teen lit section at Borders from now on. But I'm with ya, she's obviously doing something right. She's got the whole of society at her fingertips with this addiction....
I also find it interesting to find out the different views on the characters. The only character I didn't like was Jacob, but I totally wanted the happy and sappy Edward and Bella ending.

[Fiona]

Jen, this is what the author says in an interview about this shiteous name.

Why the name Renesmee?

Well, I couldn't call her Jennifer or Ashley. What do you name the most unique baby in the world? I looked through a lot of baby name websites. Eventually I realized that there was no human name that was going to work for me, so I surrendered to necessity and made up my own. I don't approve of such shenanigans in real life, I don't even believe in getting creative with spellings for real kids! But this was fantasy, and no human name fit, so I did the best I could. I named Renesmee so long ago—Fall 2003—that the name now sounds really natural to me. It wasn't until people started mentioning it that I remembered, "Oh, yeah, it is a weird name, isn't it?"
---------------------------------------------
Understatement much ??

[Pam]

All I can say is, seriously? I hope you have a gun. Or many guns. That is BULLSHIT. I sincerely hope you are moving very very soon. We had a series of break-ins in my (very safe suburban) neighborhood last year and I gotta tell ya, I was not in my house alone without a way to protect myself. Thankfully they caught the loser who was responsible for all the break-ins in my area, but please be careful.

[JLG]

I'm so addicted to True Blood, now I'm re-reading everything I have at home with vampires. By the way, did anyone catch the little 15 minutes interview on HBO last night with the director of True Blood - very interesting!

If everyone likes the vampire books, try out Nora Robert's trilogy Morrigan's Cross, Dance of the Gods, and Valley of Silence. Very interesting mix of characters....

[Amy]

Love, love, love "True Blood" and am going to pick up the Sookie Stackhouse series immediately... PLUS, I had THIS at a party recently... perfect for Halloween and vampire lovahs... :)
http://www.vampire.com/vampyre/index.html
Now you can combine your new love affair with vampires and your longstanding love affair with vodka!! YAY!

[mia]

Bella is so self-absorbed that she is exactly the type of person that would inflict the name Renesmee on a child.

[kellybelly]

OH THANK GOD! I am so happy there are actual adults reading these books! I'm 30 and finishing my 2 year degree at community college so the people reading the Twilight Saga are 17-25. I felt a little like the slow kid in class. But those books are literary crack!!! I have all the books then I saw on Stephenie's website she has playlists to listen to while you read the book. I have to say her songs match pretty well. Just looking at the song titles I can see where they fit into certain scenes and arcs. I am also on a Vampire Kick. I'm waiting to start Sookie Stackhouse because they are all checked out from my library. I am currently addicted to The Queen Betsy series by Mary Janice Davidson. All the titles start out "Undead and...." There was also a Vampire Trilogy I read when I was back in high school. I think I saw a reissue the other day at Target. If you are interested it features Damon, Elena, Stefan and some of Elena's BFF. It's like Twilight Saga without the meth rush. "The Vampire Diaries!" By LJ Smith. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Vampire_Diaries
She also did one about witches that I loved. I think the main name was The Secret Circle. I am almost tempted to buy them and see if they still hold up 15 yrs later. But I just have to say that I have read Twilight twice and it is by far my favorite book. The first Harry Potter was also my favorite. I love books were we first meet the characters. It's like that first blush of falling in love. (YES! I am that geeky.)

[Elizabeth]

Jen - you will enjoy the Charlaine Harris "Sookie Stackhouse" books - they actually get better and better as they go on which is a nice change from some series of books getting worse and worse.
True Blood is good isn't it - although for some reason the opening credits and music really annoy me...........

[KB]

I know how you feel about this vamp. thing.... I'm not sure why i'm so obsessed. I don't even have HBO and I have my bf searching the net for bootleg copies of True Blood each week. What's with the "stinking bloodsuckers" taking over pop culture???

[Corey]

Somehow I'm picturing your house in my mind booby trapped a la Home Alone. I always wanted to do that so maybe I'm just living a childhood fantasy through you? Humor me and toss a paint bucket or two on a wire ok :D

If you want something similar to Twilight but not quite as badly written (note that I still read it all and liked it for the most part beyond that Renesemee shit) check out L.J. Smith's Vampire Diaries. They were my first vamp love in the 90's.

[Susan]

The suburbs welcome you, dear. Oh, and the best weapon against breakins? LOL - Little Old Ladies - in your neighborhood. Gladys Kravitz is real and she's watching.

[Angela]

All you needed to complete the threat was the rusty poop shovel. And I've just started the Twilight series-got sucked in right away.

[AJMick]

Girl - take care of yourself! I was victim of a break in (I was at work) less than a year ago and they cleaned me out. They took my lappy (not backed up), jewelry & silverware my mom left me when she died, 3 coats (2 leather), and a path of destruction. Then they broke into my neighbor's across the hall and took his weapons... yes, neighbor was in the Reserves. Yeah. Sickening. I never slept there again... was already planning to move in w/the boyfriend, we just moved the date up about 3 weeks.

[Essentially Me]

I was the same way when I started the Twilight Series this past January and August couldn't come soon enough. And yeah, Renesmee is just a little bit redonkulus.

[Jenae]

Um... this is deja vu. I read the entire Twilight series in four days, had major withdrawals, found True Blood and read that entire series in six days! Now what?!?!?

[Kim]

Dear Jen Lancaster,
Please be my friend. If you'd like, e-mail me sometime on the given address. I'm not trying to get a book deal or to start some blog-o-mania. I just feel like we'd have similar viewpoints on a lot of things. Also, we have an amazingly similar sense of humor - sort of like a 12-year-old boy meets a semi-angry 20-something with a touch of bitterness and a shit-ton of sarcasm.

PS: Despite your crime wave, get excited! This time tomorrow, we will be settling in for Project Runway! You should SO blog about your feelings for Kenley!

Personally, I think she is a bitch. Cute clothes, sort of one-trick-ponyish, but seriously? Insulting Tim? And Heidi? Bitch, please.

[Heather]

The Sookie Stackhouse novels are great, just be sure to set aside some time to read them. They suck you in so fast that you'll finish one book and start the next right away. I read all 8 in one week. Now we begin the long wait until May for book 9. Be safe Jen, it isn't much better here in Joliet!

[Michelle]

Oh.....also try the Laurell K. Hamilton series of vampire trash. LOVE Anita Blake and the have the whole series. If vampires aren't your thing, try the fairy series with Meredith Gentry. Very good easy reads.

[Michelle]

Oh.....also try the Laurell K. Hamilton series of vampire trash. LOVE Anita Blake and the have the whole series. If vampires aren't your thing, try the fairy series with Meredith Gentry. Very good easy reads.

[Michelle]

I almost put the book down because of that stupid a$$ name! oi! Otherwise, yes, crack..

Also, pit bulls are the perfect anti-burgler weapon, well that and my .45

BE well Jen

[anna]

Yeah, the Twilight books are like crack, and I cannot put them down, either.

[AA]

Jen, stay safe. I'm glad you guys are moving soon. Also, you will LOVE the Sookie Stackhouse books (what TrueBlood is based on). Whenever a new one comes out I usually end up reading it in one sitting, late into the night, eating Cheetos or something, because I can't put it down. Take care in that neighborhood.

[Kathy]

I'm a middle school teacher... so I so get the Twilight craze... I'm in the middle of New Moon. Although, I did sit Stephanie Meyer aside to pick up Such a Pretty Fat. I love a good series and I'm currently devouring your books... not in order I'm a rebel damn it! And until I started reading this blog... I was reading the last book (BL, BA) very, very slowly.

Some of you new found vampire fans may want to check out Fledgling by Octavia Butler. It was the first in what would have probably been an awesome series, but we will never know.

[Anna]

BEWARE! The vampire books will totally suck you in! I disappeared for several days when reading the twilight series as well and have just started the Dead Until Dark series! (p.s. True Blood = soooo good, despite the straying away from the novel aspect).

It's intense how it'll take over.

[Cheryl]

The suburbs are not totally safe. I live in the burbs outside of Minneapolis and we had a spring crime spree. People were getting beaten and robbed. Some lady was robbed at the Cub store where I live in broad daylight, we happened to walk in a few minutes after the robbers left and yes we saw them running down the street minutes before we got to the store and I did think when I saw these two thugs a few minutes earlier -how odd they aren't wearing jogging suits, track clothes,(or even in shape), hence why are they running. Yes it was them.

And no not everyone in the burbs looks the same either. They may drive the same car though, hee hee hee (minivan). But at least you can find a place to park.

[maybeimamazed02]

AMEN on liking Alice (what a sweetie) and Jacob (aka The Only Character With a Brain), and HATING the stupid name Renesmee. I had a dream the other night that my ex and I had a baby girl, and my best friend (who also read the Twilight) books, asked if we named it Nessie.

If you don't have pepper spray, purchase some now. I've had mine ever since I moved back to Chicago two years ago. It was a great comfort to me last summer when girls were getting attacked in my supposedly safe neighborhood (including, possibly, my own apartment building). Yikes.

[Bee]

Dude, BACK UP YOUR DATA. Think of it like that little snappy harness on the teacups ride, you probably won't need that precaution, but don't you feel safer? Back up your data TODAY, just in case the intruder-schmuck does get ahold of your laptop.

[Katrina]

We've got your nice, dry, mold-free house waiting for you here in Scottsdale in a neighborhood that never sees any crime. Lest you think you might get bored, we have scorpions and javelinas. But they are easy to avoid.

[Jennifer French]

What he didn't expect was for me to step out of the shadows with a pit bull and a huge shepherd/wolf mix, shouting, "NO FUCKING WAY."

THAT just made me laugh out loud in my cubicle and almost fall out of my chair. Not sure why. Pretty sure Office Manager thinks I am on some sort of drug.

[Janine]

I also was sucked into the Twilight Series this summer. I read all the books within two weeks. I started the Sookie Stackhouse series aka True Blood and finished all 8 in two weeks. The second one is not as good, but the rest are amazing! Try the Soccer Mom Demon Series...fast read and funny...they are by Julie Kenner!
Happy reading!

PS I was upset with the ending of Breaking Dawn also...what a stupid name for a kid

[Brittany]

I'm curious...when you say every character besides Jacob and Alice, do you really mean that? How could anyone hate Carlisle and Esme? I can see why you would have issues with everyone else, but not them.

Echoing all these sentiments, please stay safe!

[Jess]

Ditto on the "Renesmee"

I just know that there will be a whole slew of them running around in about 10 years....and yes I'm not against mocking a toddler!

[Joleine]

Oh my gosh.. I read the entire Twilight series in about 2 weeks.. and couldn't put them down. I loved them, yet they pissed me off all the same. And I totally agree, the name Renesmee drove me NUTS.. Especially how she HATED anyone calling her "Nessie" ughh.

I am dying to see the movie though, which comes out Nov 21 :)

[Smug]

I found the Sookie books by accident when I needed something to listen to on CD while on a road trip. So I started with book 7, then went back and read the whole series from the top. I actually was knocking on the B&N door one Saturday morning to get the last one!! I was so excited to see that HBO was making the books into a series. I fully expected that they would not be true to the books and expected that I would have to try to enjoy the show on its own merit. I have actually enjoyed it very much! The story line where poor Jason is putting meat on his meat was SO funny!!

I have the first Twilight book on request at the library, but with all the buzz about it, I may have to purchase!!