No Vampires Were Harmed in the Writing of This Post

Blame Stephenie Meyer if I've been MIA lately.  I essentially checked out of my own life about a week ago because of the Twilight series and I finally came up for air on Sunday when I finished.  I have no idea why these books have drawn me in so much.  First, they're for young adults (strike one), they're about teenage vampires (strike two), and I pretty much hate every single character in them save for Alice and Jacob.  Also?  "Renesmee" is possibly the dumbest name imaginable.  (BTW, if I ever hear you calling to your little Renesmee in the grocery store or in the aisle at Target, THERE WILL BE MOCKING.)  Regardless, I haven't been sucked into a book to this extent since Harry Potter, so whatever Stephenie Meyer is doing, she's doing it right.

I've also been watching a lot of True Blood on HBO.  Not only have I seen all the episodes, but I also watched every produced short available about them via my cable's On Demand service.  Plus, I just ordered the books upon which it's based.  I'm not kidding when I say it's been all blood-drinking all the time around here.  Even though I'm confident that vampires don't really exist, I've watched/read so much lately that there's a tiny part of me that wonders what if it were plausible? 

Seriously, I've got to lay off the vampire genre for a while.

What's ironic is I just started reading my new friend Tatiana Boncompagni's book Gilding Lily.

Am adoring this book, except I've been on edge the whole time I've been reading it because I keep trying to figure out which Park Avenue socialite turns into a vampire.  (Hint?  None of them.)  (At least not in the literal sense.)

In other news, I'm editing my first draft, so posting will be sporadic again.  Also, we're likely going to be moving soon and I'll be busy there, too.  On top of our ongoing structural/mold/asbestos problems, a crime wave has swept a one block radius around here.  In the last two weeks, there have been a number of drug busts, a couple of thwarted stabbings, and break-ins in three different homes. 

The forced entries are what really get me - I mean, they're scary under any circumstance.  However, they're even more chilling because these entries aren't happening during the day when the houses are empty.  Each attempted attack has happened in the middle of the night.  This has caused some wild speculation on our part because we've been trying to figure out why anyone would try to break in when he knew the residents would be home.  That's not typical burglar behavior.  The person breaking in wants something - and it might not be a laptop.

The last attempted entry happened NEXT DOOR.  The police told our neighbors that a guy just released from prison recently moved into our neighborhood.  They speculate the issues we've been having relate to him.  Awesome!

I may actually have seen the person who's responsible for what's going on.  A couple of weeks ago I was working in my (sinking) office off the back of the house.  There's a glass door next to my desk and I leave it door open (but locked) because the cats like to sun themselves there.  Plus, this keeps them from trying to sit on my wrists. 

So, I was at my desk watching a non-homeless-looking person walking down my alley.  He appeared to be checking things out.  The thing is, unless you live here, there's no reason to be in my alley because it's not a shortcut to anywhere.  Just being there and not in a car is reason enough for suspicion.  I watched as this guy walked past my house and I saw the expression on his face when he noticed my door was open.  He stopped in his tracks and then immediately made a beeline through the vacant backyard next door and headed right towards my house.

What he didn't expect was for me to step out of the shadows with a pit bull and a huge shepherd/wolf mix, shouting, "NO FUCKING WAY."

He left a vapor trail in his wake.

Anyway, let me just say this in case anyone's worried about us - Fletch and I have taken every possible precaution to secure our home against intruders.  Every one.  More than anything, we're annoyed right now, but we're all set in terms of safety. 

Unless the perpetrator is a vampire. 

We don't have any silver buckshot.

Comments

[Sue Mills]

Girrrrrl, back those bags and move.

[Jenny]

I just ordered the entire Sookie Stackhouse series as well! Can't wait for them to arrive!

[Jenny]

I just ordered the entire Sookie Stackhouse series as well! Can't wait for them to arrive!

[Becky]

My stepdaughter bugged me for MONTHS to read Twilight - I just brushed her off. I was an english major, dammit! I can't be bothered to waste my time reading YOUNG ADULT books...sheesh! But yes, I was sucked in as well. The fourth book was wildly disappointing, but overall, a good mindless, 'sit outside for a couple hours with some beer and a full pack of smokes' bit of fun.

And yes, the aforementioned stepdaughter and I WILL be at the movie the night it opens. :)

[Erin]

I have loved all things vampire since I discovered Anne Rice. My favorite is the Anita Blake vampire hunter series by Laurell K Hamilton. The early ones are better because as the series progresses, so does the sex. There is non in the first few books but once you are sucked in (heh), it is like book porn.

[Melissa]

I recently got hooked on True Blood as well. Good stuff.

And I just told my co-worker to read your posting because she came into work looking like she had a hangover almost everyday last week. Why? Not because she'd been out drinking, but because Amazon delivered the Twilight series and she couldn't put them down.

[Momma Pug]

I too have just discovered the Sookie Stackhouse series.

And I'm NOT a vampire book reader. I just happened to catch an episode of True Blood during our forced vacation, courtesy Hurricane Ike. Now I'm hooked. When I found out it was based on a book, I went out and got the first installment. And read it in ONE night. They are totally addictive. I've ordered the other books and am jonsing for a fix. (I'm psycho-stalking UPS -- they are due for delivery on Thursday.)

Also, in regards to why the series is sooo good. Two things: They seem to stick to the author's story and that damn vampire Bill is so freaking hot. I would let him bite my neck ANY day. Bring the glamor on, dude. The only thing is I'd want to remember it! Grrrr.

[Momma Pug]

I too have just discovered the Sookie Stackhouse series.

And I'm NOT a vampire book reader. I just happened to catch an episode of True Blood during our forced vacation, courtesy Hurricane Ike. Now I'm hooked. When I found out it was based on a book, I went out and got the first installment. And read it in ONE night. They are totally addictive. I've ordered the other books and am jonsing for a fix. (I'm psycho-stalking UPS -- they are due for delivery on Thursday.)

Also, in regards to why the series is sooo good. Two things: They seem to stick to the author's story and that damn vampire Bill is so freaking hot. I would let him bite my neck ANY day. Bring the glamor on, dude. The only thing is I'd want to remember it! Grrrr.

[Sarah Elizabeth]

I think it might be time you start sleeping with the machete agagin.

[Jeanne]

Don't discount Young Adult books. As a librarian (school and public), I see more and more adults are discovering these treasures. They are not like the "after-school special" teen books of old; nowadays they are provocative and engaging. I'm on goodreads.com and once read a review from a guy who liked KING DORK until he found out it was a Young Adult book and then he couldn't like it.

[Jeanne]

Don't discount Young Adult books. As a librarian (school and public), I see more and more adults are discovering these treasures. They are not like the "after-school special" teen books of old; nowadays they are provocative and engaging. I'm on goodreads.com and once read a review from a guy who liked KING DORK until he found out it was a Young Adult book and then he couldn't like it.

[Kel]

I can see you, shotgun in hand, pearls in place, pelting some moron's behind with buckshot.

Too funny.

[Allison]

I read those Twilight books in less than 2 weeks. And I work full time! And I don't usually read scifi/fantasy books. What's up with that? (Oh, and I can't wait until the movie comes out!). My 13 year old son is reading the first book now and he loves it, too. And True Blood? My husband is hooked on that show (perhaps it's Sookie's tight shirt!).

I think you're probably safe in your house for now. You've got the best protection available--BIG DOGS!!!

[Rainey]

My nieces begged me to do the Twilight books and I got totally hooked. I'm 40 and reading books about teenagers, vampires and werewolves and enjoying it, WTF??? When I finished it I kept thinking half the neighborhood kids were vamps and wolves. Then a friend handed me your books and I ran through them in 8 days. Absolutely love your work and way better than vampires! Thanks for sharing!!

[Amy C]

I totally agree on the Twilight Series and oddly enough I have just finished the first 4 books in the Sookie Stackhouse Series. I'm trying to read Brsinger (before my 12-year old does-Oh and I read grown up books too--Just finished Department of Lost & Found-Excellent and Queen of the Road-Good but not great) so the rest of Sookie's story is on hold for awhile. I watched the first episode of TrueBlood (also OnDemand) and I'm sorry to say I was not impressed. I have a problem watching a movie/show after reading the book, I'm always disappointed. Sort of why I'm not excited about the Twilight movie. I love the books so much, the movie is bound to be a let down.

[Rainey]

My nieces begged me to do the Twilight books and I got totally hooked. I'm 40 and reading books about teenagers, vampires and werewolves and enjoying it, WTF??? When I finished it I kept thinking half the neighborhood kids were vamps and wolves. Then a friend handed me your books and I ran through them in 8 days. Absolutely love your work and way better than vampires! Thanks for sharing!!

[Lori]

I, too, am obsessed wth the Twilight series!! I have never before read any paranormal story, but I'm so glad I picked these books as the place to start. I get so irritated with the naysayers who knock the books. I mean, no one said they are meant to be an instruction guide for young ladies? They're fiction, they're delicious, they're fun. I can't remember when I've been so wrapped up in characters. I am just getting ready to begin Breaking Dawn, although thanks to my diligent obsession, I pretty much know all that happens. But I'm still going to read it cover to cover (or first click to last as I do on my Kindle) and enjoy every freaking second of it! I have to disagree with you on, Jen, however. Between Edward and Jacob, Edward wins hands down. Of course Jacob is a very close second, but Edward has way more titillating depth. Now I've got to wonder if I really should check out Harry Potter. But I'm 34. Should I really risk another obsession with a teenager?
Stay Safe!

[Rachel]

I was totally into the whole series even though Bella totally annoyed me to the point where she pissed me off everytime she spoke/whined and the actress they picked to play her in the movie has man voice.

[Linds]

whoa! what neighborhood do you live in?? im sensing an inevitable move to surburbia, which makes me super sad...everything and everyone looks the same...yuck

[Jenn-with-an-extra-n]

I just finished The Book of Joe from your recomendations a few blogs ago. I enjoyed it. Kind of reminded me of this series on TV they did a few years back called October Road? Anyway, thanks for all the book recomendations....at least until your next one comes out :)

Oh and I have 4 'vicious' beasts and they're the best security ever....even if they are big sweeties...

[Jeannie B.]

I've totally got vampire schizophrenia. I'm on my last Sookie Stackhouse book, am watching True Blood, and am halfway through the Twilight series. The Sookie books are my fave - like a little Evanovich with some supernatural stuff thrown in.

[Angela]

I just started reading the Twilight series and am completely addicted!

Be safe and I loved seeing you on that show you can't blog about!!!!!

[Kellee]

Wow - glad you have Maisy & Loki to protect you, though I have a feeling even if you didn't you would be ok! I hope something like that happens to one of those weenies that is for taking away guns from legit owners!

As far as interesting fiction, I have really enjoyed Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Legacy series.

Stay safe!!

Your #1 fan in (near) Cincinnati Ohio,

Kellee

[Antof9]

Perhaps you could stock up on garlic? If not needed for vampirical activity, you could always make a good bolognese sauce.

And ... whether you like that Twilight series or not, you can't deny the hilarity in this blog: http://shinga.livejournal.com/478415.html

Making the FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL into a character? Brilliant. 'nuff said.

[Jessica]

The Sookie Stackhouse books are fabulous! She's such a funny character and you can't help but absolutely adore her. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

[Mrs.D]

Eww... scary. I would be in super-paranoia mode right now. Good thing you have dogs. Be careful, and having a door with glass by the doorknob is like saying "hey come break in here, I'm easy!! steal my stuff please," so you should take care of that. All someone has to do is tap on the glass, break it, reach in and unlock the door.

[Princess of the Universe]

Silver buckshot? Are vampires not killed with wooden stakes anymore??

[Vicky]

I think you'll really like the Sookie Stackhouse series. It's pretty awesome. If you decide you want more blood sucking, I have a ton of suggestions for you over at my book review website. What else but: http://www.vampiregenre.com

[sue Treiber]

That idiot probably pinched a loaf when he saw you & the dogs. Awesome! Be safe!

[Melissa]

I agree with the fact that Laurell K. Hamilton started out good then got to be just sex, sex, plot, sex, sex, sex. And not even good plots anymore. I got rid of all my books of hers.

Also, don't you have to invite vampires in? I think you're safe from vampiric intruders on that account. :)

[Armalite]

Beacuse of you, I just ordered the whole Twilight series... even though I'd promised myself I'd buy no new books until I'd read the dozen or so waiting on my night table. Oh well.
As the french translator of the Anita Blake series, and knowing you're not into graphic sexual descriptions, I'd strongly advise you *not* to buy the series, even thought the first six or seven ones are real page turners IMHO.
Also, what's happening in your neighbourhood is real scary. Please take care.

[tracee]

Be safe Jen. You ARE a badass, but if someone tries to interfere with a continued stream of books from you to us, they are going to have a lot of unhappy people to deal with. Me first.

My secretary and I were just discussing the ridiculosity (I think I made that up!) of naming your child Renesmee. There's mocking now and I don't know of any real person with that name!!!

[JennyW]

LOVE Sookie Stackhouse. I don't have HBO, but I read the books a few years ago (after I had read all of Laurel K Hamilton's books, which I recommend if you like supernatural p0rn!) and the characters are wonderful. Try Charlaine Harris' "Grave Sight" series too, if you want to wean yourself off the vampires!

[Susan]

I am definitely a paranormal fan, mostly of butt-kicking women.

Favorite authors/books:
Robin McKinley - Sunshine
Patricia Briggs - Mercy Thompson series
Kim Harrison - Rachel Morgan series

Get from library:
Lyndsay Sands - Argeneau series
Kelley Armstrong - Women of the Otherworld series
Carrie Vaughn - Kitty Norville series

If you have time (and brain) to waste:
MaryJanice Davidson - Undead and Unwed

SKIP:
Laurell K. Hamilton. Her first books in the Anita Blake series were good, but now they are all about 600 pages of sex, and 1 page of plot.

[tutugirl1345]

Sleeping with the machete under your pillow again? Seriously, stay safe, I'm sure we'll all be worrying about you.

[Missy]

Ummmm, Jen? That wasn't a vapor trail that guy left. I'm just sayin' that you might not wanna let the dogs roll around in it right after bathtime.

I, too want the Jen Lancaster, Pearls and Pitbulls "NO FUCKING WAY" t-shirt. Put me down for an XL.

[Sils]

I had the same reaction to the Twilight series, I resisted reading them with every fiber of my being and then I was totally entranced for a solid week (because damn work kept getting in my way). It really makes me angry because they're not all that well written, from a technical standpoint but I'm totally engaged. What the heck?

Be safe. Hopefully this guy is so afraid of big dogs he's too scared to get close enough an realize that your babies are just that, babies.

[Liz S.]

The True Blood books Sookie Stackhouse novels) are great. I also ordered them after seeing the show on HBO. Amazon sent them out of order (how dare they) so I had to skip ahead because the books are so awesome I didn't want to stop.

[thecoconutdiaries]

You're a badass! I fully expect to see a picture of you on a t-shirt with put bulls and pearls snarling "NO FUCKING WAY"....that's pretty much how I feel about Sarah Palin.

I, too, am addicted to True Blood, mainly because Bill is awesome. Tara annoys the crap out of me and I hear she's not even in the book. It's all Jennifer Hudson/Sex & The City all over again!

[Erin]

You rock my socks! I hope that if I am ever in a situation where I notice someone deciding to break into my home I have the balls to confront the situation the way you did!

Also, good luck with the move. I still haven't recovered from the last move I made--a year ago!

[Emily]

Holy shit!! That would make me want to fly into the burbs! As for the Twilight series, they are well written but I don't think I have been as sucked in as I was with Harry Potter. I have yet to read Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, but I (slightly) know what happens. As for the name Renesmee: the new Apple! I would SO make fun of a parent for christening their baby an atrocious name like that.

[KL]

I'm hooked on TrueBlood too! but it gives me nightmares! Sunday night I had a dream my 4 year old nephew was a vampire... unfortunately the fiance won't let me turn the lights on when we're watching the show... and as far as intruders go, I live in a fairly safe area, but I'm thinking about buying a taser :) sounds like it's time for that move to the 'burbs

[DodiM]

See? This is where it pays to have a pit bull. People really are terrified of them, and there is no way he would know Maisy is a really a big love sponge unless he read your blog.

What do you suppose the chances of that are? Have you ever wondered if your neighbors read your blog?

[Lizzie]

The past May some scumbag stole my purse out of my apartment. He was able to just walk right in because the door was unlocked - BECAUSE I WAS HOME AT THE TIME! And of course, my 2 adorable crime prevention devices (one pit bull, one rottweiller) were out being walked by my fiance at the time. I never felt secure again, especially since he was so bold to just walk in broad day light (it was about 7am at the time) and clearly had been watching the place because he waited till the big burly guy with the two "scary" dogs left. We finally moved this passed weekend to a super safe neighborhood, and I feel like I can finally breathe again!! Plus we are in a house now, and my first order of business was putting BEWARE OF DOG signs every where.

[Parsing Nonsense]

You've just listed the number one best reason to live with dogs: they look scary.

My Labrador has a torn ACL, is more likely to roll over and let you rub his belly than to bite, and would abandon me in a heartbeat if someone offered him unsupervised access to a jar of peanut butter, but he LOOKS scary and that's what counts.

[Sue]

Stay safe until you move out Jen. Nice going with the dogs and the creep.

[Poppy]

I'm curious - is this the alluded to (in Such a Pretty fat) move to the 'burbs or are you staying in the great city of Chicago?

[Brittany]

Charlaine Harris is pretty fantastic as paranormal genre authors go, but if you really want to soak in the awesome, read her mysteries.
If I may, I would also suggest reading Robin McKinley's Sunshine.
Now that I've remembered that I have these books, I will be re-reading them while I wait (impatiently) for your fourth to come out.

[K8 in STL/SGF]

My heart skipped a beat when you described him making a beeline for your back door. Glad you have two fierce looking hounds at your disposal.

Love you, love your books, (obsessively?) love your blog.

[Stepheney]

We told you that once you start "Twilight" you can't stop until you've finished all four books and the "Midnight Sun" partial draft.

So glad you enjoyed them!

Good luck in your neighborhood - stay safe!