Great Moments In Procrastination, Part Four Hundred and Eighty-Six

"Did you get the Evite?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to go?"

"I don't know.  I don't understand what the party means.  What's a dirty shirty?"

"'Dirty shirty' means you wear a dirty shirt."

"Like with salad dressing stains on it?"  (I kind of have a lot of those.)

"No, you wear one with a profane expression on it, you know, the kind you shouldn't wear out in public, like the Donkey Punch one I have, or the one you had made for my birthday last year with the picture of Che on it and the Commies Suck caption below it."

"You can wear the Che shirt in public, you just can't wear it to Whole Foods.  Remember how the butcher refused to take your order?"

"Yeah.  Do you have a tshirt with anything like that on it?"

"Of course not.  Number one, I don't have tshirts except for the gym and number two, none of my tops have anything but Lacoste gators on them."  (And salad dressing.)

"Try and come up with something; the party should be a lot of fun and you don't want to be the one who attends but doesn't participate."

So, because I'm moving in a few weeks and because I have a mountain of edits to complete and because I don't have any pornographic articles of clothing and because I hate how I look in tshirts anyway, I just spent the last 45 minutes with a seam ripper creating this:

If this doesn't win the Best Shirt award, then fuck everyone.

Comments

[tina]

wow...its things like this that allow me to put aside my political differences with you because i just laughed out loud for a good thirty seconds or so.

[TheBabblingHousewife]

My husband (picky engineer) wanted to say "alligators lay eggs...they don't have sex"

He needs a drink...that sounds like a good reason for a party.

[Erica]

I love it! This could be worn at Country Clubs across America!

[Karen]

OK - now I get the 09/25 post. Jen - you were on Oprah and you can't even blog about it?! That's horrible. I saw your pic on the Oprah website. I know you can't respond since you aren't allowed to blog about it - but I hope WE are! That must feel worse than putting my favorite cupcakes in front of me and telling me not to eat them - - - - -or maybe not! Rock on and LOVE the T shirt!

[Brookie Brooke]

Dirty shirty.. loves it.
I would have never thought that's what it meant.
I have a shirt that has a volleyball net and says "practice safe sets"

guess I could go to the party, but you should win!

[Katie]

Best shirt ever!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Susie]

Hey I saw you on Oprah so I went to your blog to see if you had mentioned anything . . . I must of missed that post if you did. Anyway, you were really funny and I think Oprah really liked you.

[Michelle]

amazing :)

oh ya nix... if you didn't like it why would you bother to comment... I guess you have some time on your hands...

[Rose]

Awesome! Subtle, topical, and totally something you'll be comfortable wearing.

[Andi]

I'm commenting on all my favorite blogs today to give them notice of Blog Action Day. Tomorrow tons of people will be posting about this years 'global cause' to help raise awareness. This year's theme is Poverty.

Full info & sign up is at - http://blogactionday.org/

[andie]

that. is. awesome.

[Dominique]

I can see everyone wearing them, they will be the newest rage. Hilarious

[Karina in T.O]

Also? Nix?

You. BLOW. And that is in no way an anti-gay, comment. You just do!

Cheers, and go on about your merry way somewhere else.

[Karina in T.O]

I howled. And you know what my first thought was? Once again, you are Queen of the Gays. Loved it!

[amy]

BEST. SHIRT. EVER.

[Shan from Can(ada)]

Just reread BITNB while travelling on the weekend.Still makes me laugh out loud on airplanes, earning nervous looks from fellow passengers.

Oh, and don't worry about Nix. I heard someone dropped a house on her. (But no ruby slippers, dammit.)

[antof9]

I seriously love how the one on top looks like he should have a cartoon bubble coming out of his mouth saying, "WOO HOOOOOOO!"

LOVE it. And I hate t-shirts, too.

[Jenna]

Your Hilarious! Great job!

[Denise]

This has got to be the best shirt EVER!!!!
I want one now!

[the governor of jennsylvania]

Okay, not to beleagure the point nor to be indelicate, but, how else would alligators, um, make amore if not like this?

Also? Fornigators? GENIUS.

[Arin]

Your creativity astounds me, Jen. Can't wait for your new book!!!!!! Good luck with moving in a few weeks!! :)

[sheilah]

*don't feed the trolls...don't feed the trolls*

...fornagators...hehehe...

Best. Comeback. Ever.

*don't feed the trolls...bitch...don't feed the trolls...*

[paige]

I do not see how it cannot win.

Beautiful work

[Kristin]

That is f-ing awesome!

[goodfather]

I'm with Mrs. D on the blog experiment, LOL!

[Carrie]

This is for "Nix". Does it suck to be named after a treatment for lice? Does it make you angry and bitter?

[Carrie]

I wore one last weekend to a bar that said "Republicans Screw Better". I hadn't been to a bar in nine years and the shirt got me a LOT of attention.

[elysianfantasy]

Flipping brilliant! 'Nuff said.

[Michelle]

Okay - the gator love made me laugh but the person who deemed it "fornagators" made a little diet pepsi come out of my nose.

[Janet]

HILARIOUS! I love it. You have to post again after the party and tell us how people reacted.

[Jenn F]

Brilliant.

[Kristen]

That's wrong. So so wrong.

[Jenn-with and extra n]

OMG, hilarious. AND the girl who came up with FORNAGATORS below.....genius!

[jenn]

Love. LOVE. (Although if you wanted to REALLY push the envelope, you could have gone for a threesome!)

[Nicole]

FORNIGATORS!!

Hilarious.

[Michelle]

Love it, start your own line.

Do you watch "How I Met You Mother"? On Monday night one character called someone an Asshat. You have clearly effected (infected?) the world with your fabulous brand of humor. Congrats. :)

[class factotum]

I love the alligators! I, too, would have thought a dirty shirty was a shirt in the laundry basket.

I especially love that the butcher refused to serve Fletch while he was wearing a Che shirt (although the "Commies suck" caption should have given him a pass). Every time I see someone wearing one of those, I want to ask him, "Is your Hitler shirt in the laundry?" So nice to know there are other people who get it.

[Jen]

Love the shirt! you made my freakin' day!

and btw - was watching 'The Big Bang' last night and they totally called someone an asshat!

[Kelly]

Love it! Oh, and Nix - you're a douch bag.

[Lee]

I just peed in my pants when I got to the picture of the defaced Lacoste gators. JEN, YOU ARE MY COMIC HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Frozen Star]

I'd totally wear that out in public without the excuse of a "dirty shirty" party...

[Tracee]

My heart skipped a beat when I realized you actually defaced a L*coste.

I remember when I was in high school and we paid no more than $18 for them...

I hope you win!

[MK]

Nix-

Reading your post evokes several emotions, the strongest of which is pity...

[Lisa]

That is the funniest thing ever. I thought that you stapling your paper doctor's gown to your pants was the funniest, but that was a topper.

Nix - seriously?

[k.l.]

HAHAAHA okay I am an idiot--just realized after I posted my very first comment here that our names go BELOW our comments. Whoops. I take it back.

Nix you are a raging bitch.
and Nina? My bad homegirl.

[k.l.]

I laughed so hard I just about peed my pants.

Oh and everyone, it was not Nix who made those horrible comments, it was Nina. Nix was the comment below. Nina was the horrible bitch above her who tried to degrade Jen. Ladies--ready? Attack!

[rachel]

I love it!!! I would so wear it around town just to see if anyone noticed. And Nix...get your head out of your ass and find a sense of humor!!!

Jen, I have introduced all of my girlfriends to your books and we love you, keep it up!!!

[Manic Mommy]

OMG, you totally ROCK!

Although, you did forget one thing--

the gator on the bottom needs a PEARL NECKLACE!!!!

BWhahahahahahahahah!!!!

[Sara]

FUNNIEST thing EVER!

[Wendy]

You sew too!!