"Did you get the Evite?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to go?"
"I don't know. I don't understand what the party means. What's a dirty shirty?"
"'Dirty shirty' means you wear a dirty shirt."
"Like with salad dressing stains on it?" (I kind of have a lot of those.)
"No, you wear one with a profane expression on it, you know, the kind you shouldn't wear out in public, like the Donkey Punch one I have, or the one you had made for my birthday last year with the picture of Che on it and the Commies Suck caption below it."
"You can wear the Che shirt in public, you just can't wear it to Whole Foods. Remember how the butcher refused to take your order?"
"Yeah. Do you have a tshirt with anything like that on it?"
"Of course not. Number one, I don't have tshirts except for the gym and number two, none of my tops have anything but Lacoste gators on them." (And salad dressing.)
"Try and come up with something; the party should be a lot of fun and you don't want to be the one who attends but doesn't participate."
So, because I'm moving in a few weeks and because I have a mountain of edits to complete and because I don't have any pornographic articles of clothing and because I hate how I look in tshirts anyway, I just spent the last 45 minutes with a seam ripper creating this:
If this doesn't win the Best Shirt award, then fuck everyone.
Best. Comeback. Ever.
Thanks Jen, even my super-uptight, anti-sex mother laughed at it.
Love,
Leslie
Posted by: Leslie | October 13, 2008 at 09:38 PM
I love the shirt!!! I would have never even thought to do it. You're incredible.
As far as "Nix" goes....Seriously? I don't think you have any room to call anyone or anything stupid with a name like that. No one ASKED you to come here...especially with that attitude.
Posted by: Liberty | October 13, 2008 at 09:28 PM
Only Jen Lancaster could take the universal symbol of yuppie-ism and turn it into a porno. Love you, Jen! You crack me up!!!!!
Posted by: Ginny | October 13, 2008 at 09:25 PM
What about the placement of the alligators automatically makes it gay? Last I checked hetero couples can do it that way... actually there are several ways heteros can do it that way... and that's all I'm gonna say since this is already too graphic!
Posted by: AJMick | October 13, 2008 at 09:20 PM
I think Nix needs a hug.
A special Alligator Hug.
Posted by: DodiM | October 13, 2008 at 09:18 PM
Brilliant response!
And you could sell those shirts on the sidewalk and make ALL KINDS OF MONEY.
Posted by: Suburban Turmoil | October 13, 2008 at 09:09 PM
Nix,
I'm a New York Times best selling author. You're an unhappy person with an internet connection.
I win.
Best,
Jen
(P.S. If the alligators were gay, wouldn't one of them be wearing chaps?)
Posted by: Jen | October 13, 2008 at 09:00 PM
Another comment to Nix: Please don't ruin the site for the rest of us! Go away and don't come back!
Posted by: Karen Mc in Dallas | October 13, 2008 at 08:59 PM
Love it!
Posted by: Leila Q | October 13, 2008 at 08:51 PM
To nix:
Why would you feel it necessary to write such a hate-filled offensive comment? If you don't like the book, why come to the website? Why write a personal attack towards someone you don't even know? There's no place for that kind of comment on this website.
Posted by: Laura | October 13, 2008 at 08:46 PM
To nix:
I really don't want to start a message board feud here, but I don't really understand why you come here and say harsh things like that. Obviously Jen is doing something right if she's already published three (about to be four) books and has a large fan base (from many diverse backgrounds) who adore her. If her writing isn't your cup of tea, then that's fine, but please don't lash out. It is immature.
Sorry, just my two cents.
Posted by: Amy Risner | October 13, 2008 at 08:39 PM
LMAO!! That's great! You'd definately get my vote. Subtle, yet profound.
Posted by: Kelly | October 13, 2008 at 08:26 PM
Ha. That is the best.
Posted by: zandor | October 13, 2008 at 08:05 PM
Ha, that's awesome!
Posted by: Lesley | October 13, 2008 at 07:51 PM
You are my procrastination hero!!! No matter what the situation, proscrastination is thy name... but it always seems to work.
Love the stitching detail. Good work! Crafty too!
Posted by: Jen in Indy | October 13, 2008 at 07:50 PM
What's funny is the gators look like they are enjoying it ;) LMAO!
Posted by: Corey | October 13, 2008 at 07:39 PM
That is fucking great. I was laughing so hard.
I was thinking earlier today that you should be on Dancing With the Stars. They don't have any authors, nor have they ever, but you are definitely a celebrity. You would rock and have a definite following.
Posted by: Nina | October 13, 2008 at 07:37 PM
Effing stupid and probably some kind of sorority girl level rip on gay people given your mindless support of the evil, racist, gay-hating (though Adam's apple bearing) Ann Coulter. I read half of your book about pretending to try to lose your fat ass and it made me want to puke. You are a hideous, materialisic, narcissist who is so far deluded to actually believe your husband (loser, btw, who makes abusive comments toward you) could possibly find you even slightly attractive, much less the raving beauty you believe yourself to be (which makes you uglier still.) Oh, and BTW-your writing "skills" are an absolute joke! It's blog-level minutaie and random thoughts which are entirely uninteresting. I will never read a word of yours again. If I feel the cotton candy urge for chick-lit I am sticking to the incomparable Marian Keyes. You are a very ugly person, Jen with no insight at all.
Posted by: nix | October 13, 2008 at 07:34 PM
I just read it and loved it. I had to run and show my daughter and tell her to slowly raise the rest of the article because I didnt want her to see the picture until the exact right moment. SHE CRACKED UP TOO!
Posted by: Tabby | October 13, 2008 at 07:30 PM
I am envisioning something with Roosters and the phrase....You say cock sucker like it's a bad thing.
Posted by: Wendy | October 13, 2008 at 06:59 PM
I love this.
It would be even more inappropriate if they were two guy gators. But then again is the Lacoste Gator a guy? And if he is, then he's probably gay, in which case then this IS really inappropriate.
Wow, that was a useless train of thought.
Okay then...
ilyjen.
Let's leave it at that.
Posted by: kylie | October 13, 2008 at 06:56 PM
Good one! You couldn't have pulled that off with a RL Polo!!!
Posted by: Karen Mc in Dallas | October 13, 2008 at 06:55 PM
Bahahaha, I will pay you everytime you wear this out. I love Lacoste, but I believe this to be a worthwhile sacrifice.
Just Fletch, please put back my seam ripper. I LOVE it.
Posted by: Leslie | October 13, 2008 at 06:44 PM
AWESOME!!!! You should just wear that around anyway and see how many people even notice and then blog about it. What a great experiment.
Posted by: Mrs.D | October 13, 2008 at 06:41 PM
I first thought, "scissors". When I wondered where the hands would go is when I got it. Took a minute which makes it even more funny to me!
Did you return the seam ripper? You don't want to tick off a guy who provides a lot of fun material!
Posted by: Molly | October 13, 2008 at 06:38 PM
Dirty Preppy!
Posted by: AJMick | October 13, 2008 at 06:14 PM
Sooooooooo good. I am still laughing out loud. My husband (computer geek that he is) came in from his office (where he was playing "SPORE") to see what all the commotion was about. He smiled. I'm still laughing like a hyena.
Posted by: Sissa | October 13, 2008 at 05:54 PM
that's so cute (although a part of me dies when someone defaces a lacoste shirt)!
Posted by: toni | October 13, 2008 at 05:48 PM
That is totally hysterical. Seriously.
Posted by: kelly | October 13, 2008 at 05:48 PM
Fabulous. Thanks for the laugh.
Posted by: Kel | October 13, 2008 at 05:45 PM
Brilliant!
Posted by: Lara | October 13, 2008 at 05:40 PM
GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE.
Wear it somewhere else. I bet no one notices!
Posted by: DJ | October 13, 2008 at 05:33 PM
You never cease to amaze me with your creativity.
Posted by: Phyllis | October 13, 2008 at 05:18 PM
HI-larious! I love the subtlety of it. I wonder how many places you could go before someone recognized it. Would they actually say something? I live in Florida where it's UF and the Gators. That just seems like a shirt I'd love to own since they can go fuck themselves for all I care! Good luck at the party!
Posted by: Nicole | October 13, 2008 at 04:49 PM
Thank you for giving me a great idea for those little dudes on Ralph Lauren's polos.
Posted by: Autumn | October 13, 2008 at 04:49 PM
That is freaking hysterical!
I'lle give ya five bucks to just wear it out, like to Starbux.
Posted by: sue Treiber | October 13, 2008 at 04:32 PM
Oh my! Let's hope that they don't get ahold of your pearls to use as ass beads!
I would never want your pearls to be violated!
Hysterical. By far made my freaking day.
Posted by: Sarah | October 13, 2008 at 04:24 PM
Oh my! Let's hope they don't get ahold of your pearls and use them for ass beads!
I wouldn't want your pearls to get violated!
Hysterical. Love it!
Posted by: Sarah | October 13, 2008 at 04:16 PM
Please make sure you put my seam ripper back.
Posted by: Fletch | October 13, 2008 at 04:08 PM
Excellent! perfect! Hilarious. You are a the winner for sure. And if you dont win i want to see the winner because it will be fucking hilarious
Posted by: joanne | October 13, 2008 at 04:01 PM
omg that is hysterical!
I like you, pretty much only own Lacoste shirts. I'm coming to Chicago for halloween, will you make me one?!
I'll do your editing for you as a trade (I'm in journalism, editing is pretty much all I do..oh and I get to write, fun!)
Posted by: Kelsey | October 13, 2008 at 03:35 PM
Preppy porn. Pornopreppic? Either way, I love it. You're a genius. :)
g
Posted by: gillian | October 13, 2008 at 03:28 PM
Just when I think you cannot make me laugh harder than you already have, you manage to top yourself!
Posted by: MK | October 13, 2008 at 03:27 PM
Sorry, but that is fucking hysterical. (No pun intended.)
Posted by: DGs World By Big D | October 13, 2008 at 03:19 PM
LOVE IT!
Posted by: ColoradoMama | October 13, 2008 at 03:14 PM
Oh my god that is hilarious.
http://www.firstclasstohell.com
Posted by: Val | October 13, 2008 at 02:50 PM
FREAKING. HILARIOUS.
Posted by: Amanda | October 13, 2008 at 02:43 PM
Just think what you could have done with the Ralph Lauren polo player!!!
Posted by: Domestic Goddess (In Training) | October 13, 2008 at 02:40 PM
This was fantastic! I just burst out laughing at my cube. I'm sure the whole office thinks I'm crazy! Thank you!!!
Posted by: ELO | October 13, 2008 at 01:57 PM
Jen - oh, too-too-funny! You are so clever!
Derfina - does your hub watch shotime's Bullsh*T by Penn & Teller? That is one of Penn's favorite phrases. Love that show!!
Lisa N - not sure everyone on the board got your chant, but as one of the few FSU fans still standing, I did, and I loved it!! Seriously, for one of your off games (like when you play us) you should organize the fanbase to forget about the orange jerseys and get them to wear these shirts. And your slogan could be "even when the Gators are just f'ing around, we can beatcha!"
Posted by: AtlantaDebbie | October 13, 2008 at 01:43 PM