Not Really Gone And Also Not Forgotten

Still busy with edits and getting ready to move at the end of the month and, ha!  Not panicking! 

Not panicking at all! 

And certainly not wasting time obsessing on how the hell I'm going to cover the SIXTY-TWO bare windows in the new place, either.  For example, here's the window situation on the stairs going to the second floor:

  

What am I supposed to do with this?  Right now the only options I've come up with are "newspaper" and "accidentally flashing my neighbors when I run from the bathroom to the bedroom in my underpants."  I'm not sure which option might cause more aesthetic distress for all involved.  (Perhaps at the holidays I'll go all festive and put up wrapping paper.) 

Also, because it may be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, here's the kitchen:

   

Please note how it is not raining in this room.  (And is anyone else nervous about the way Fletch is eyeing that stove?)

So, I have to finish my edits so I can get paid (and thus afford to move anywhere), but I won't leave you empty-handed. 

Many of you became fans in the last year, which means you never heard about the website I used to write for called Snarkywood.com.  Everyone involved went on to do other stuff both on the web and in print, but the archives still exist.  I didn't create Snarkywood and only started writing for them towards the middle, but from the very first day, this was some of the funniest shit I ever read. 

Click here to access the archives. 

My favorite is Don't Hassle the Hoff, but really, you can begin on any entry.  Enjoy!

And yeah, Maisy's sad I'm busy, too.

 

"This is what happened when the penguin saw you in your underpants." 

Comments

[Jackie]

Those windows look like a job for Martha MacGyver.

[April]

I don't cook and I am in love with that kitchen!

I'm also loving the Snarkywood archives. Reading through those has gobbled up chunks of the weekend nicely.

[Crazy Kim in Texas]

Okay, I'm giving in and typing a comment. First, I hope you did go 'burban (or as we call it down here...Mayberry) because the suburbs need us. These people are seriously delusional about everything.

As for the windows, we have very similar windows in our entryway and I refuse to dress unless we're hosting a formal event, so we left the windows uncovered but have the tinting on the outside. It's necessary anyway to keep my electric bill under a million during the summer. Congrats and enjoy the house.

[AWF]

My friend is an interior designer and she recommended www.shadestore.com and www.silktradingcompany.com to me--I thought I would pass it along :)

[Sarah]

I would like to dance on your kitchen counters in my stilettos in a celebrating dance (well, not Coyote Ugly style...well, that MAY occur if alcohol is involved..) The tile work is exquisite. And I love the copper oven hood. So chic!

[Carrie]

I would DIE if that were to be my new kitchen! And the drop front sink is perfect - oh, I bet you cannot wait to move in!!!!! YAY!!!!!!

[Sara]

Doesn't anyone else think the sink is a little low? I mean, look at where Fletch is standing - you'd have to bend over half a body's length to wash the dishes.

Other than that - the kitchen looks beautiful!

[Alli]

Jen- LOVE your books!! I read each one in two days - I am obsessed! Your kitchen is stunning...did you acquiesce and buy in the burbs?? I dwell in the burbs of Chicagoland...not so bad. Just wish I had neighbors like you and Fletch!!

[pam]

Home Depot has paper shades for $5. You can cut them to size and they are self stick. For the rooms that need room darkening shades Home Depot has the temporary ones for $6. I used them all over my windows when I moved recently.

[Helen]

I *heart* that kitchen.

[Beth]

Hey - did I miss where this new house is located? Because I swear that kitchen looks like the one in this house (in Lincoln Square) that I have coveted for a year.

[JennC]

Congrats on the move - supremely jealous over that kitchen.

[Mirinda]

As someone who owns an interior decorating company I'm going to second the motion someone made above: Hire it out. And please, for the love of pete in a house that beautiful, do not put up tissue paper, newspaper or anything remotely similar ;) Actually, you can just hire me. Ha.

Beautiful kitchen! First thing I did notice was the bliss on Fletch's face....uhoh.

[amyinral]

Shutters.

Love your work!

[blackbird]

How is it that Chicago real estate always seems so DAMN attractive?

[th]

hahahaha i think i gave you crabs- "i can fit TWO meat gators in that oven" thats EXACTLY what hes thinking

[Boo]

That is a kitchen worth learning to cook in! Will it be up and running before the holidays? The sink is ideal for washing up a turkey platter...come clean, did you go 'burb on us? Nothing wrong with it, especially if there is also a walk-in closet waiting for you. Remember, snarky works in any neighborhood.

[Sonya]

I second the window film from home depot. we moved into a new house last year and went through multiple window covering options for a funky shaped window in our master bath (waisting money in the process!) until we finally put up the frosted window film and we couldn't be happier! still lets in natural light while you have all the privacy. we dressed the window up with gorgeous fabric i made into a window scarf with fancy hardware and the room looks like an upscale spa retreat! most of my guests have asked how much i paid our builder to upgrade that window with frosted glass! little do they know my hubby bought the stuff for next to nothing and installed it in under an hour!

...and if you plan to put up blinds on any other windows? totally go the expenive route - next day blinds was SO easy to work with! we did the installation ourselves (very easy) but you get incredible quality and a perfect fit. i went this route for most of the windows on our main level and they are still perfect. for some of the 'standard' size windows where i used pre-cut blinds from target and jc penny, i've had to end up replacing some because they simply haven't held up. also, these frugal choices have clunky looking 'header' units at the top while the expensive ones look sleek and gorgeous.

enjoy the new digs! looking forward to the new book!

[antof9]

I have a set of (uncovered) windows on that order, too. And we've been in this house for over 4 years. The solution? Never leave the bedroom naked. Do you know how sad it is to not be able to walk around naked in your own house? Sad indeed. And believe me, I'm not a Naked Person. But some days I need to run from the shower to check email in the office, and I just can't. It sucks.

Let us know the solution!

Ant, drooling at the kitchen

[Amy Risner]

I agree with Andrea. I also used gift-wrapping tissue paper to cover up my door-side-windows temporarily because I too enjoy the panty prancing in my own home! I bought some fabric that matches the length of the windows and had a family friend hem the ends to make it look like little curtains. Then I purchased the super strong magnets (little cirlces no bigger than your thumb nail) and I use that to hold up the curtains. My door frame is magnetic so it works beautifully. This way I don't have to poke holes or drill anything. Me with a drill would be bad news. Good luck, Jen!

[Quad Mama]

You could cover all your windows with tie-dyed sheets. I see that sometimes. 'Course, then people might think you're selling weed out the back door. Luuuuv the kitch.

[Andrea]

One thing you could to w/ the windows, temporarily of course, so ya don't flash the neighbors is use tissue paper. It's awesome! And cheap! We have windows at eye level on our front door and tissue paper and scotch tape will save the day until you decide which fab window treatment you'll put up. It looks like frosted glass from the outside, if you are neat (OCD) about it.

[Terry]

Window coverings, shmindow coverings---buy some nice undies and give your neighbors a treat!
More pictures of the dogs, please. Maisy's so cute!
The kitchen's beautiful. Maybe you can get a Fletch-proof gate? ;)

[Sarah Elizabeth]

Beautiful kitchen! I want one! It looks like the rest of the paycheck will be going to window coverings!

[Kathy]

OMG. I can't believe you have my dream kitchen!!! You and Fletch need to take some cooking lessons (not from RR, of course) in order to take full advantage of it. If it's only used to heat up leftovers, I'll have to move in and cook for you!!

[Jennifer]

Maisy has got to be the cutest dog ever!

[Momo Fali]

That kitchen! It's so beautiful that it totally wants me. Kind of like Mark Wahlberg.

[Katherine]

First house 15 years ago. I spent a huge $2500 on window treatments. They were awesome and when we moved, helped with the sale. Our neighbors who moved in at the same time - ducky sheets on one front window and light blue sheets on the other. They had those aweful sheets on there for 4 years. Very weird.
I did the tin foil in college. It was great.

[Kristen]

Jen, you will be happy to know that Ikea actually carries window treatments for long windows like that...my friend's place has windows even taller than that, and she was able to buy curtains there. I think they may even have an option to get custom ones made if needed.

Good luck with the move, be sure to keep us all posted, I'm sure there will be lots of funny to share :)

[I think I gave you crabs]

Hmm....by the look of supreme and utter man-bliss on Fletch's face you'd better start teaching the dogs to attack cardboard cut-outs of Rachel Ray.....I can just see it in his head.....yeah....she didn't respect the loaf before....but she'll respect it NOW....or "I can fit TWO meat gators in that oven"!!!
Also....it would probably be best to cover up those windows asap because if you have any neighbors that are like you or myself if those windows stay open expect to see at least one pair of binoculars trained on your be-underweared butt.

[Ev]

Is it just me or is Fletch really excited? Could just be the pants but looks kind of strange down there.

[Manic Mommy]

62 FREAKING WINDOWS!?!?!?!?

And shit, I can come over to your new place and eat a truffle off that floor I betcha! Looks BEAUTIFUL!!!!

And I bet you'll have some nice neighbors you won't have to worry about making drug deals and doing crazy shit like the old neighbors used to do huh?

SIXTY TWO WINDOWS?!?!??!

[Ginny]

The house looks AMAZING and I miss Snarkywood!!! To me, one of the very funniest comments you ever wrote there was about a Kevin Federline photo ... to wit, "Federline models the classic wife-beater from his own "Hit Me Baby One More Time" Fall '05 collection." Hahahahaha!!!! Wish you and the other Snarkywood writers would reunite for a little Snarkapalooza '08!!!

[cariz]

I second the redi-shades! When we moved into our new house I desperately wanted Bahama Shutters but they were too expensive and we had too many windows. Plus, we have lots of weird sized windows. So, redi-shades to the rescue until we could afford what we wanted!

[Lisa]

Window covering advice: HIRE IT OUT!!

Also, my kitchen looks a lot like yours. LOVE IT!! The farm sink hides a lot of dirty dishes.

[Alexis]

Lovin' the kitchen. Missing the Snark!

[Heidi]

"Mommy... stop working. Or the penguin gets it."

[AJMick]

I, too, am concerned as to whether you will have enough cabinet space for all of your glassware. If not? Some might have to *accidentally* break during the move.

Love the Snarkywood... wish you guys would bring it back :)

[mickey]

I LOVE that kitchen!

I also have to second the recommendation for Tension rods- They're super easy to hang, don't leave marks, and you can use just about any fabric as curtains. I've been known to buy inexpensive flat sheets (twin size work best) with pretty colors or paterns, cut slits in the hem to insert the rods, and hang them. I also scored a gorgeous pair of pastel striped tablecloths at Marshall's on clearance after Easter. Folded the end over an inch, a few quick stitches, and I had new curtains for my bedroom for less than $10. (which made my mom laugh for days- she knows how impatient I am and my lack of sewing skills, but she admitted that they do look good.)

So congrats on the new house! And I'll be looking forward to the next book.

[AA]

Congrats on the kitchen! Beautiful. That house looks suspiciously "burby." Since I also used to live in the city (Chicago) and moved to the 'burbs, I'll look forward to hearing stories of your adjustment! If that's where you are moving, that is......just beware of crazy women in mini-vans (no, I am not one of them, I drive a sedan).

[Karen in DE]

VERTICAL BLINDS? NOOOO, MAKE THEM STOPPPPP!

Definitely do not cover up the smaller windows up top and until you find something you know you will love, those paper accordion pleated shades work wonders - just don't leave them on for a year or longer - they will peel the paint right off the wood. Yes, experience talking.

Then again, I am hardly one who can suggest - the only window I have a covering on is the bathroom - we have one neighbor and she is across the road and had warned us when we moved in that she walks around naked, so love it or leave it.

[Kim]

Oh, Jen. If I didn't love you so much I would hate you for the 62 windows and the kitchen. The trim around the windows is so pretty and it doesn't even look like you'll need to Saran Wrap them in the winter to cut heating costs! And that kitchen is phenomenal! All you're missing is a built-in wine fridge. Congratulations on the move!

[alexis]

For a not-so-expensive, yet not I'm-still-in-college solution,try tenstion rods. They come in different sizes, are relatively cheap and don't damage the wood frames. Then just get some cute sheers/cafe curtains for the windows. That way you can build to more permanent hardware if you want, but you still have nice looking window coverings in the meantime. Plus,they sell them at Target - who doesn't love that?

[Rose]

OMG, love the new kitchen!! Enjoy the new house.

[Laura]

In our neighborhood, aluminium foil and old bed sheets are completely acceptable window treatments. Just a suggestion.

[Kate]

I checked out the archives and that first pic nearly killed me. I couldn't stop laughing.

[Trenches of Mommyhood]

Drooling on my keyboard with kitchen envy...

[DodiM]

Jennifer? This all looks suspiciously suburban. Anything you'd like to share?

[Le Plus Jeune]

Oh my gosh, the pic of that dog is too funny. It reminds me of the time my friend came home from work to find that her two labradors ate a recliner. They pooped puff balls for days, lol.

:)

[Phyllis]

So, are you moving out to the suburbs finally, or are you moving "back up" since your books are doing well? Not asking for an address, but you are going to describe the neighborhood in some pseudo-generic fashion, right?