Not Really Gone And Also Not Forgotten

Still busy with edits and getting ready to move at the end of the month and, ha!  Not panicking! 

Not panicking at all! 

And certainly not wasting time obsessing on how the hell I'm going to cover the SIXTY-TWO bare windows in the new place, either.  For example, here's the window situation on the stairs going to the second floor:

  

What am I supposed to do with this?  Right now the only options I've come up with are "newspaper" and "accidentally flashing my neighbors when I run from the bathroom to the bedroom in my underpants."  I'm not sure which option might cause more aesthetic distress for all involved.  (Perhaps at the holidays I'll go all festive and put up wrapping paper.) 

Also, because it may be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, here's the kitchen:

   

Please note how it is not raining in this room.  (And is anyone else nervous about the way Fletch is eyeing that stove?)

So, I have to finish my edits so I can get paid (and thus afford to move anywhere), but I won't leave you empty-handed. 

Many of you became fans in the last year, which means you never heard about the website I used to write for called Snarkywood.com.  Everyone involved went on to do other stuff both on the web and in print, but the archives still exist.  I didn't create Snarkywood and only started writing for them towards the middle, but from the very first day, this was some of the funniest shit I ever read. 

Click here to access the archives. 

My favorite is Don't Hassle the Hoff, but really, you can begin on any entry.  Enjoy!

And yeah, Maisy's sad I'm busy, too.

 

"This is what happened when the penguin saw you in your underpants." 

Comments

[RJpdx]

Since these windows are in the stairwell and look fairly high, perhaps using cafe shutters or blinds that only go half way up the window would work? That way the area where you walk (naked or clothed) can be covered, while still letting in tons of natural light from above.

[Aimee]

I'm a little concerned with the fact that you have such a fabulous kitchen and no real desire to cook. Perhaps this will inspire something? Also, maisy can come play with daisy because they rhyme.

[Jenno]

I am sooo jealous of your kitchen. I really dig on the tile backsplash, but mainly I want your stove. I'm currenly living in a condo...the condo my boyfriend and his realtor didn't notice did NOT have an oven until AFTER he bought it and moved in. I can no longer bake and want to die. Your stove would make life better. Can I cook vicariously through you (but not Fletch...I've read those parts)?

[Kathy]

hate you. I hate you for the kitchen. I would die for that. Are you guys finally buying? I am so jealous....

[Star]

P.S. How bout just putting up window tint that way you still get light but at night and during the day its hard to see in.

And I am SOOOO F'in jealous of your kitchen

[Star]

how much does maisy weight?
I got me a pit puppy last month (Mona)and she has already out grown her collar and is using an old one of her big sister Wiley (greyhoud/sheppard) she is like 4 months old and about 30lbs now Mona not Wiley

[Becca]

Haha my dog does the exact same thing with her toys. She will work on one spot until there is a little hole. Then she will pull out the stuffing and put it in neat little piles. I swear she is proud of her piles.

Isn't amazing how much stuffing they can get in those toys?

[Lisa Johnson]

My suggestion is blinds. Hubby's first comment when we walked into this house was " I'm gonna feel like I'm living in a fish bowl with all these floor to ceiling windows" My comment at the same time was "Wow look at all these beautiful windows!) So I compromised. Had a company come and meassure the windows for blinds. They also installed for free. They are kind of an off white and still lets sunlight in so the house is still bright enough during the day and you can raise and lower them from either top or bottom depending on your mood for snoopy neighbors. You can even get them remote controlled.

The house from the few pix you put on is to die for. I hope you both are extremely happy in the new place (doggies too) but still full of great antics to pass along to all of us who live for your books and blog.

I'm thinking the move itself should be worth a ton of giggles so take copious notes and keep us fans in stitches!

[Andrea (Off Her Cork)]

Holy shit, Jen, are those 42inch cabinets in that kitchen?! Because if so, I think I just fainted.

[Jennifer]

I can't tell how many times I've walked my dog at night in the RV, walked by houses and saw people totally naked through the windows. You need to cover every window. I didn't want to see a lot of it but it's too hard to avoid lit windows when waiting for your pup to poop.

[Karina in T.O]

In our condo we have floor to ceiling windows with a west exposure....yippee direct sunlight, boooooo on the direct ass heat. A good fix, that still alows the natural light in is the window film. It makes the outside look reflective so all the 'bits' on the inside of the window are unseen.....but still lets the sunlight in.

The kitchen is gorg! For your safety and the pets, please keep Fletch out, no one wants another Franken-loaf episode do they? ;)

[HeatherB]

You have HOW MANY windows? Flash on Girl! You deserve it! I see the kitchen but where is all the dog hair??? Congrats on your new home too!

[Kari]

You just may have to go with the wrapping paper. That's a lot of freaking windows! The new kitchen looks amazing!

[sue Treiber]

I can imagine all sorts of Rachel Ray fantasies going thru his mind right now...

[lady]

yes, the window films are great. i picked up the "frosted glass" window film at home depot for my bathroom. we get our privacy and natural light, horay. check it out. they come in all kinds of styles, from the stained glass (cheesey) to rice paper (how very zen) to the frosted glass (neutral. no real statement, 'cept i like natural light and my privacy). putting it up is a bit tricky. i'd hire someone to do it, since it's on the stairs...

[Cheryl]

Maisy is just giving you an excuse to go out shopping that's all...that penguin paid the ultimate price!

Seeing it's getting so close to Halloween my idea for all your windows would be those stick on ghosts and cats everyone on my street has invested in from the same dollar store. Christmas there's snowflakes, Valentine's there's hearts...and they're reusable!

[rDogg87]

Redi-Shades could take care of the windows, at least temporarily. I get lazy and leave them up for probably too long, justifying that buying new shades (they're like $5/ea) is less of a hassle than cleaning cat hair off of "real" window treatments.

http://www.homedepot.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?storeId=10051&langId=-1&catalogId=10053&productId=100018793&N=10000003+501728+10401002

Just a thought.

And I do love the kitchen. Just keep Fletch away from the Food Network (or don't! I love reading about the mishaps!!)

[Sils]

I think it's entirely possible that my brother in law's company built your house, looking at that kitchen... and knowing you live in Illinois.

[Jeanne]

Go with the stained glass idea - no cling wrap or contact paper please. Or better yet, just get some cutie pie underpants! Is this the John Hughes house of your dreams?

[Jeanette]

Fletch! Back away from the stove...

I can only imagine the "recipes" that are racing through his brain!

[Tracie]

OMG I love your kitchen Jen & those windows are GORGEOUS!!! Screw covering them with blinds or a valance - they are beautiful!! I also will volunteer to drive 3 hrs to Chicago to come paint if you want to paint some rooms :)

[Jess]

Can I live in your new kitchen?

[Gigi]

That is one scream-and-die kitchen! It makes me want to kick the one I have.

[JennyW]

Oh, the decorator in me is coming out! I have lots of ideas for those awesome windows!
There's a film-type-stuff that is reflective on one side, which not only blocks the neighbor's view of your exposed bits but also reflects heat & helps with the whole energy-efficiency thing. Or, if that window doesn't get much direct sun, there are fancy patterned films that I've ordered from the "Solutions" catalog to put in my bathroom window. There are lots of different patterns & it was easy to install.
Decoratively speaking, I'd just do a simple swag across the very top that drapes down between the main window & the little square guys. Anything else would be too much I think, & would take away from the unique shape/arrangement.
I'm so jealous of your kitchen!! This looks like a beautiful house, can't wait to see the end result!

[Emily]

Gorgeous kitchen, indeed, but is there enough room for all of your glasses? Also, does it have a yard? And, are you finally becoming a Stepford Wife?

Can't wait for Pretty in Plaid!

[buttah]

If the rest of your new place matches the kitchen....your new house fuckin' rocks! I totally can't wait for the new book, I am having major withdrawals!

I have 2 boxers and my male used to do that to his stuffies just to get the squeeker out. Then he would run around with the "lifeless" body and toss it around like the little rag doll that it was. And my female, well she ate anything due to her seperation anxiety when we were at work....she ate the foam mattress in her dog bed, she then ate the blanket that we replaced that with, then she ate the plastic floor of her kennel...she has also been known to eat ankle weights, whole loaves of bread..plastic bag and all, and anything else that was in her reach! Let me just tell you that dogs have a hard time "passing" foam.....it's not fun having to pull that shit out of your dog's bung hole!

[Jen]

ACK! the contact paper would be a total bitch to get off.

My temp solution was ---wait for it-- Glad Wrap Press & Seal . It's opaque! and it comes off w/ no residue what-so-ever. As luck would have it I got mine on the clearance at target because it had holida print on it.

[Cat]

Where are you moving? Like not a specific address or anything...that would be weird. Is the city going to be losing you? If so, for some reason, that makes me sad.

[Emily]

Omg, that kitchen is GORGEOUS! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sink.

I'm down with the contact paper on the windows (if done well) or the vertical blinds with a valance. Or, the neighbors can suck it and see your hot bod.

[tutugirl1345]

It is a good thing I don't know where you live, because I would totally try to move in with you so I could cook in that kitchen all day long.

Fast turnaround on moving! Did you flee to the suburbs?

[blu_canary]

Hmmm. If I were you? I would hang stained glass panels in each of the big windows. Maybe three that make a scene. Expensive?...well, yeah. But, it's what I do (or did before the SAHM gig) so I'm partial. For a way cheaper alternative (and one that doesn't require drilling holes into the woodwork), they do make that "fake stained glass" paint you can put on the glass. It peels up, so not permanent, anyone can do it, and from that kind of distance...well, let's just say it won't get mistaken for Tiffany-esque art, but it will keep the neighbors from knowing you wear days-of-the-week unders.

Well, unless they read your work.

[Twenty Four At Heart]

Ooooh! Nice kitchen! Now you've made me want to move. Except for the packing and moving part. Hmmm.
So yesterday I did a post on Faking Orgasms and if you're bored I hope you'll stop by for a visit. The comments were ... interesting, honest, funny, etc. I couldn't think of a possible way to follow up after fake orgasms so today I'm hosting a contest giving away twenty bucks. It's not a fortune, but in this economy who couldn't use an extra $20?
Hope you have a minute to stop by!

[Andi]

Cheap way to cover windows - clear (best) or opaque contact paper - it looks pretty and blocks people looking in but you still get the aesthetics of the light coming through.

[Denise]

Me: Exhausted, stupid-gushy fan in desperate need of a hair appointment, a make-up repplication, and some dishwashing detergent

You & Fletch: Friendly, gracious, funny, and BEAUTIFUL Target shoppers not annoyed by someone approaching them in a dark parking lot and calling you by your formal name...

It was so nice meeting you and Fletch last night. It really was a great end to a long day. I couldn't believe I was so nervous talking to you (doesn't bode well for any future interaction with Jon Bon Jovi, should I be so lucky as to bump into him at a department store), and I am so grateful for you and Fletch's friendly and awesome response. I remain a big fan of you both!! ;)

Oh, and I bummed that I didn't see sweaty-guy-on-the-stool!

[Kelly in St. Louis]

Beautiful new kitchen, I would live in there, but I love to cook. Did you get lucky and buy the new place? Looks like a awesome new home, good luck on EVERYTHING!
Please pet Maisy for me, she is such a sweetie pie!!

[Angela]

First of all that is one BEAUTIFUL kitchen!!!! I don't cook but WOW! That would be awesome to sit and eat pizza/takeout in everyday :)
As for the windows, I used to work in a drapery/blinds store and I suggest getting custom vertical blinds that will cover the entire space and then putting a nice valence over top. You can get a cord long enough that you can control opening and closing them from any angle (so you can let light in) and the valence you would never have to worry about again.
Hope that helps!!
:)

[Amy]

Every. single. animal. that we bring home for my German Shepherd ends up looking like that. We've got this pile on top of her kennel of fluff-less animal shells [because we have the best intentions of re-stuffing them someday]; it looks like we went hunting in a Toys'R'Us.

Good luck with the edits, and enjoy your gorgeous kitchen! Oh, and I totally vote for wrapping paper on the windows at Christmas.

[southernfriedgirl]

OK, no lie but your dog if I saw it just trotting down my street would scare the shit out of me but in these pictures I just wanna moosh her face and use her as a pillow.