You're Running the Show Today

Busy today, so you guys are going to take over the comments.  Today's topic is "Things you do not want to hear."  Here, I'll get you started. 

Things you do not want to hear the water remediation guy say:

"Then we opened the wall because we were going to start the clean up in your office and OH, GOD THE MOLD, THERE WAS SO MUCH MOLD, OH, GOD, OH GOD, WE HAVE TO SEAL IT UP AND LEAVE RIGHT NOW."

And then they contained the mold first before they dug in their feet and ran away so fast that they kicked up carpet and hardwood, a la Scooby Doo.

Sidebar?  I have a sneaking suspicion that what we have is SUPERMOLD because the writing I'm doing has never been better.  I think it's possibly brain penicillin.  Don't believe me?  Then come to my event next Friday and hear me read a piece from the new book. 

Here are the deets:

What:  The Witty Women Writers Night

Where:  The Book Cellar, 4736 N. Lincoln, Chicago, IL  (773) 293-2665 

When:  Friday, October 10, 2008 at 7:00 PM

Who:  Amy Guth, Stacey Ballis, Wendy McClure, and me.

Wine:  Yes, the bookstore has a bar.  Woo!

If you want another example, how about what I heard from the tow truck guy when my Toyota 4Runner cracked its engine block while in southern Indiana?

"I ain't never seen one-a them cars before."

So, now it's your turn to complete the thought, "Things you do not want to hear." 

Go!

P.S.  I'm asking you nicely not to attack each others' politics.  I'm sure after the debate last night, you guys have a lot to say, but there are plenty of places outside of here to do so.  If I have to referee anything, I will turn this car around so fast...   

Comments

[Lindsey]

Worst thing to hear during an annual exam at your OB/GYN? The medical assistant, who is in the room during your exam for procedural reasons, insisting that she knows you, and she's pretty sure it was from Spanish class in high school.

News flash: if you can see my vajayjay, it is NOT the time to bring up knowing me in any way, shape or form!!!!

[Bree]

On my way out the door to work one night I proudly twirl around in the living room to show my boyfriend my new size 4 pants! This was a particularly amazing feat considering I had recently gained 20 extra pounds after having an unexpected emergency surgery just before the holidays...Excellent timing, huh? Not to mention the fact that A) I am only 5 ft tall, so even an extra 2 lbs show and B) I work 10 hr shifts while sitting on my butt all day at work and then commuting 1-2 hours on top of that. I worked dang hard to shed that 20 lbs, and his response? "Why do you always wear your pants so tight?"....Needless to say that jerkoff is an EX-boyfriend.

[CATHY]

OH, reading these made me have a flashback to my most horrific moment.
my mother in law (who says really inappropriate things) said to me, out of the blue, quote:
"my beaver itches".
nuff said.

[Cathy]

I am an ICU nurse, and here are the most dreaded words:
"I fell and hit my head and I'm bleeding" this from a confused patient who won't STAY IN THE DAMN BED.
aggggggggghhhhhhhhhh! SO MUCH PAPERWORK!

[Lisa]

"Ribbit, Ribbit!"

..said by my three year old while standing in line next to a heavy, short woman wearing all green and round sun glasses.

[Liz]

SCENE: me sitting on the couch watching TV, while the 6 yr old boy that I babysit is in the bathroom.

Flush "Uh-oh, Liz can you come here, the water is starting to come out of the toilt."

[bigskygirl]

my dad is a little more "Tim Taylor" than "Bob Vila," so mine (and my mom's) are both garage/yard-related:

mine: i was about 8 years old, downstairs watching TV. My parents had been married 9 years and still had an entertainment center made out of cinderblocks and particle board (also it was 1991). My dad was in the garage (on the other side of the wall from me) cutting down some plywood, and he comes running into the living room, panic-stricken, and says "are you okay?!" i'm like "uh, yeeeeaaaah..." "ok, then come look at this." I go out to the garage and there are 3 3 foot long pieces of plywood sticking OUT OF THE WALL!! He had come in to make sure one didn't GO THROUGH THE WALL AND KILL ME. Oops.

Mom's: my dad was doing something else woodwork-related and came upstairs while mom was watching TV. He points to his leg (his jeans are cut) and says "can you look at this?" he had set the circular saw down on his leg before the blade stopped moving. Seriously. No blade guard. Luckily, he's fine. Just like Tim Taylor. He has nine lives. :)

[Jentember]

Things you don't want to hear your gynecologist say:

(while performing a colposcopy)

"Oops."

Yep. Oops.

That sucked.

[MrsMTM7904]

From my mother to me at a dinner:

Your sure losing a lot of weight, maybe you should be on a few pounds since your sister isn't losing any weight herself.

Huh?

[Sue]

When my son was about eight, he was in Cub Scouts through a local Mormon church. We were the only family with a son in that pack that were not church members. We're kind of agnostic; we'd taught him the basics, and he knew the reason for Christmas and Easter.
After a ceremony where badges and stuff were awarded and all the families were attending, the pack leader told the kids to go home, and be sure to read their Bibles...my son thought about that for a moment, and people were getting up to leave. He pipes up in a loud, shrill voice, "But Mom, we NEVER read the Bible!!"

[Malinda]

On a whim I decided to have my colorist put darker shades of red in my brown hair. It did not go as planned, but I was running late for the tailgate hosted by my co-workers and did not have time to correct the bad dye job...this was the beginning of several "Things you don't want to hear."

1) As your colorist removes the foil from your hair, "Huh...well look at that."

2) While tailgating at a football game where the school colors are red and black, "WOW! No one has more school spirit than you!"

3) After you notice a small child at the same tailgate has used the Halloween colored hair spray (in red, of course) is now staring at you and says, "Look, Mommy! She spray painted her hair, too!"

Note: I paid my colorist extra to come in on a Sunday and fix my problem.

[KrisDiva]

Jen I am definitely coming on Friday and I am so so so excited!!! I've never been to any sort of book event before so this may be a stupid question but will you take pictures and sign books for those of us more than a little starstruck?!

[belinda]

While getting a pedicure:

Pedicurist - "So when are you due?"
Me - "Excuse me?
Pedicurist - "When are you going to have your baby?"
Me - "Um... I'm not pregnant"
Pedicurist - "Oh... well, you look pregnant"
Me - "Hey, thanks!"

I didn't leave a tip.

[TheBabblingHousewife]

Husband: "uh oh"

nor

My kids: "MMMMMmm! Yummy!" when I haven't given them anything.

[Jay S.]

I wasn't feeling well one weekend. I went to a seven day a week medical office thinking I had a bladder infection. Test was clear, no infection. I was advised if I didn't feel better Monday follow up with my GYN. First scary statement of the visit is from the ultrasound tech - "WOW!". An hour and a half later when I am finally in to see the doctor on call - "Take this prescription for pain medication to get filled. Then meet me back at the hospital for emergency surgery this afternoon." Nothing like a two installment hysterectomy! They left one ovary due to my age (38) but a year and a half later had to go back in to remove it and the ruptured cyst.

[Jackie]

While sitting in McDonald's with my two year old daughter, a gentleman sitting beside us passes gas. My two year old looks over to me and says in a voice that carries accross the restaurant "Says say excuse me mommy." Thinking that I had passed gas. Needless to say I was laughing so hard I couldn't say anything and she repeats her demand for me to be polite numerous times. The "gentleman" in question quickly gets up and leaves. I finally stopped laughing enough to explain to her that it wasn't me. That was 19 years ago, and I will never forget it.

[Alison]

At the dentist, during a tooth extraction: "Hmmm -- looks like we'll have to break this tooth into 3 pieces and take them all out separately." Come on now -- really? More novacaine, please...

[kristen77]

At annual exam, during the boobie check...

Doctor: When did you stop nursing?

Me: Ummm, I don't have any kids.

Doctor: (Just stands there with puzzled look on face)

Gah! WTF?

[MsCellania]

"When is your baby due?" a few days after a late miscarriage. Understandable, but still - not something you want to hear at that point.

And 20 years ago: "WHICH ONE OF YOU IS HERE FOR THE SYPHILLIS TEST?" bellowed out by a health department worker, when I took one of my staff in after she got a notice from the health department, after an anonymous person had turned her in as a contact. Ah --hmmmm, I am holding up a sobbing woman - guess which one of us got the notice, asshat! And thanks for yelling it to the entire waiting room full of 50 people! Gees, thank God for HIIPA regs nowadays...

[suzanne]

it's just a coldsore...sure

[Quad Mama]

When one of the big kids says, "Uh, Mama, have you seen what the baby is doing?"

[cynmothorn]

Announcing a high school basketball game...
"Shit....who farted?....Ummm is the mic live?"

Yeah, it was ugly.

[tracee]

Ok this one JUST happened and I thought I'd share...

Back story: I went away this weekend and slept on the Marriott's new Heavenly Bed and there's no support to it whatsoever and I threw my back out sleeping on that monstrosity. Came home and the dog sitter lost my leash (my ONLY leash).

I go to Walmart. I'm buying Alleve, BenGay patches and a dog leash. The cashier is 150 years old and, as she's ringing up my purchases, she asks "Did you hurt yourself dear?"

I say "Yes, I threw my back out."

Cashier ever so helpfully says "Well honey, if you lost some weight, maybe you'd feel better!"

I paused for a minute, looked at her and said:

"What I really need to do is stop all the acrobatic sex. What do you think the leash is for?"

The guy behind me spit coffee he was laughing so hard.

[Michelle]

At a clients office:

"Is that blood on the back of your skirt?".

ugh

[Cary]

At my first bikini wax "Oh my! You sure are a furry critter!"

[lisa]

You are at the tootie doctor. You are covered with a piece of what equates to notebook paper, feet lounging in the stirrups, and a light shining into the nether regions the last thing you want to hear (multiple times) is, "Please scoot down just a little farther." "Keep scooting." "Just a little further." Really!?! I think they want someone to fall off of the table to liven up the day.

Also, at the vet, I just LOVE hearing, "Well, I've never seen this before..." I can hear the credit card debt rising exponentially at these words.

[BB]

We could all just add more and more on here.

The worst thing I ever heard....

The doctor saying to me over the phone "We don't believe your son is compatible with life."

I'm happy to say he was wrong wrong wrong!

[DodiM]

I was due for a "girlie" exam, and thought, "I'll go to my general practitioner, since I'm done having kids I'll free up some of my GYN's time."

Only to be laying there, feet in the stirrups, listening to the dr. saying, "Now, where is the cervix? It should be right here, where did it go...."

There is a reason OB/GYN's will always get my business from now on!

[Liberty]

Massage Therapist: Is there anything I need to be awareful healthwise?

Client: Is that a fever blister on your lip?

Massage Therapist: Ummm...Yes.

Client: Are your hands clean?

Massage Therapist: (No, I haven't washed them for days. WHAT?!?!) Yes ma'am they are.

Client: Well you know I get them too, but they are highly contagious.

Massage Therapist: Well if it'll make you feel better I'll wash my hands AGAIN when I come back in the room.

Okay, let me give you a bit of background on this lady. As I called for her she was just coming from the ladies room. She nearly forgot to wash her hands, but then remembered. Her version of washing her hands is turning on the water, letting her hands run underneath for five seconds (without soap no doubt) and then turns the water off without using a paper towel to touch the handle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Needless to say I did not massage her hands, although I should have and then given her a face massage and asked her how she liked the new urine treatment.

[Amanda B.]

I just had to add one - my husband and I are standing in the kitchen with my older step sister helping fix dinner. She begins discussing her menstrual cycle and describing the size of her clots. We didn't eat much that night. Unfortunately, it's still pretty vivid for me.

[Corey]

... my mother in law's voice as she comes through the doorway with my husband and I'm laying in my pjs on the couch reading. Gotta love it when she stops over unexpectedly! The house is a disaster. Hubby is freaking out, I'm hoping this will keep her from ever coming over again unannounced.

[MJ]

Ok, I have to add a birth/labor story...

Before being induced with my first child. The male nurse hands me a gown, "Go ahead and put this on." I am a single parent, first pregnancy, young, and stupid. I come out of the bathroom with the gown on, he says, "ok, we are going to need to check you. Um, ma'am, you have to take off your panties to have a baby."

Then after about 20 hours of labor. My mom who is a nurse says, "Now this is the point where lots of women get a little nauseous.." My feet are already in the stirrups so I immediately projectile vomit through them. The doctor walks in and says, "Hey ladies, did I miss anything?"

Finally, another nurse comes in to move me out of the birthing suite into my room. "Sweetie, do you think you can get into the wheelchair if I help you sit up? Then we'll get you moved to your room." Did you know your legs are like jelly after 22 hours of labor? Yeah. After falling to the cold tile floor in nothing but my hospital gown and sans panties... "Oh sorry sweetie, just stay there ok and I'll go and get us some help." Does it look like I am going anywhere?

[MJ]

You know how you were taught to never ask a woman her age or when she is due (unless you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is pregnant)? Yeah? Well, here is another one to add to your list of questions to NEVER ask someone....

One Sunday as I was leaving church a lady buzzed up to me with her husband. She said she had been wanting to ask me something. Her husband mentioned that maybe she should just call me instead. I said, "yeah sure, just give me a call anytime." To which she replied, "Ok, I just really wanted to pick your brain. Our son keeps asking us about getting a procedure done and I wanted to ask you about your experience. I can't remember, did you have the lap band or gastric bypass?" Wow. I was thoroughly shocked and offended and after she said it she could tell. I replied, "I have never had either of those things. I run, excercise, and try to watch what I eat." I just ran a marathon the same year for cripes sake! Boy was her face red and boy was I offended. The first thought that came to my mind, "Ok little miss petite, so if you weigh over 130 lbs then you are a lap band candidate?"

Wow...just...wow...

Don't ever ask anyone that. Seriously, add it to your list....
SERIOUSLY

[Barbara McGrew]

As said by my 4 year old daughter:
"Mommies are supposed to be this big (holding her hands about 5 inches apart), but you're this big (holding hands 2 feet apart). Don't you want to be this big (holding her hands 5 inches apart)?" Thanks, peanut. I love you, too.

[margalit]

"What's the matter with YOU? You don't LOOK handicapped. How did you get that parking placard."

Heard at least monthly. Always appreciated too. Asshats.

[Jennifer]

At the OB/Gyn on base and have a new resident "trying" to perform a check up... Searches around for a few minutes looking puzzled and finally states that he cannot find my cervix and that he needs to go get his supervisor.

[LindseyinGermany]

I was three, sitting in the front pew in the middle of a Catholic mass. The priest is doing his sermon and asks the rhetorical question "you all know how Jesus died, right?"

3 year old Lindsey raises her hand and said "oh oh, I do!!"

Priest chuckles and says "Ok, how did Jesus die?"

3 year old Lindsey exclaims "Bang bang, they shot him dead!"

From then on, it was Catholic school all the way through college for me. :)

[Ani K. O.]

While being felt up my rectum by an emergency doctor after having a weekend bout of food poisoning, my mom points to my stretch marks on my thighs and asks the doctor, "What are these?"

[Kamille]

I was 20 and in for one of my first annual exams. Scene: me with my legs in the stirrups, and speculum in place. Old man GYN comments "nice tan lines." WTF!

[Heather]

From the ob/gyn "We will have to wait to see if its a viable pregnancy."

From the school psychologist "Your son is autistic".

[BB]

One day I headed out of the grocery store with my cart and instead of wandering the parking lot to put the cart back I asked a random stranger if he needed a cart.

He turns to me and snottily says "no"

I proceed to put the cart away. A few minutes later he walks out with his own cart and says to me " You needed the exercise."

Aaahh, if looks could kill!

[Boo]

While waiting on a runway in Frankfurt for 2 hours as people in uniforms removed luggage FROM THE PLANE, I overheard the crew talking in English: "They really wanted to hurt people." I no longer felt guilty for the mass quantity of bubble wrapped, undeclared chocolate in my luggage...yep, it was a year's supply of euro-brand dark chocolate for me and my friends.

[Karina in T.O]

Yesterday, while on the plane back from our Vegas vacation.

The scene - Kirk and I sitting next to the emergency exit.

The stewardess, then calmly takes us over the emerg instructions for use of the emerg door. "If you hear the words EVACUATE, EVACUATE! Calmly look out the window to ensure it's safe, that being no fire or water".

WTF do you mean, look out the window to ensure it's safe???!!! If the pilot is howling 'EVACUATE', what's your version of "SAFE"?????? So the rock hard ground is safe to you, as opposed to fire, or water?? OMG!!!

That totally killed my week long, wine induced, oxygen pumped casino playing, lazy ass relaxed to the point of coma next to the pool buzz!!!!

[Clara]

Things you don't want to hear the NYC subway conductor say while stopped in between stations: "Ladies and gentleman, if there is a cop on board could you please report to the conductor stand immediately? I repeat, cop on board, conductor's stand, ASAP."

[Christy]

After having a succesful VBAC 8 years after a horrific C section:
Doctor: Well it looks like she's bleeding out, she must have ruptured her uterous. Looks like we'll have to do surgery to clean her up.

Try having an episotomy AND a C section AT THE SAME TIME!

[MrsMTM7904]

A loud whack, a blood curling scream and a three year old holding his head. After a 5 hour visit to an emergency room and two staples to the head a regular cry is nice to hear.

[Mamachick]

There is a disturbing amount of OB/GYN comments on here. Here comes another one.

I'm pregnant and in for a checkup because of an "infection" and my ob says to my husband, "Hey, come on down here and see this. That's the yeast infection right there." My husband still talks about that 5 years later.

I wanted to die. Or kill.

P.S. Do OB/GYNs have a special class they take in school? Inappropriate comments to make to women naked from the waist down, 101?

[angela]

My 2 year old sister (at the time) to a very obese man at the supermarket
Sister: "Are you gonna have a baby?" (ear to ear grin with dimples)
Man: NO! Why?
Sister: "Then why are you so fat?"...."Mommy why is his belly so fat?"

[Mamachick]

My mom and I (chunky monkeys we are) were boarding a teeny turboprop plane flying out of Vegas and heading home. They informed us that the plane was at it's weight limit and some people might have to stay behind. As we were boarding, mom and I were first in line. The pilot took one look at us and said, "Could you two sit in the middle row one on either side of the plane?" We thought that was weird, but ok. It wasn't until others started boarding and sitting wherever they wanted that we realized our fat asses were balancing out the plane.

[Sue]

My husband cut his thumb pretty badly while using a brand new hand saw. At the immediate care clinic the very young female doctor numbed the thumb to prepare to stitch it up. Then she called to the nurse,
"Hey, bring me that book on sutures...."