You're Running the Show Today

Busy today, so you guys are going to take over the comments.  Today's topic is "Things you do not want to hear."  Here, I'll get you started. 

Things you do not want to hear the water remediation guy say:

"Then we opened the wall because we were going to start the clean up in your office and OH, GOD THE MOLD, THERE WAS SO MUCH MOLD, OH, GOD, OH GOD, WE HAVE TO SEAL IT UP AND LEAVE RIGHT NOW."

And then they contained the mold first before they dug in their feet and ran away so fast that they kicked up carpet and hardwood, a la Scooby Doo.

Sidebar?  I have a sneaking suspicion that what we have is SUPERMOLD because the writing I'm doing has never been better.  I think it's possibly brain penicillin.  Don't believe me?  Then come to my event next Friday and hear me read a piece from the new book. 

Here are the deets:

What:  The Witty Women Writers Night

Where:  The Book Cellar, 4736 N. Lincoln, Chicago, IL  (773) 293-2665 

When:  Friday, October 10, 2008 at 7:00 PM

Who:  Amy Guth, Stacey Ballis, Wendy McClure, and me.

Wine:  Yes, the bookstore has a bar.  Woo!

If you want another example, how about what I heard from the tow truck guy when my Toyota 4Runner cracked its engine block while in southern Indiana?

"I ain't never seen one-a them cars before."

So, now it's your turn to complete the thought, "Things you do not want to hear." 

Go!

P.S.  I'm asking you nicely not to attack each others' politics.  I'm sure after the debate last night, you guys have a lot to say, but there are plenty of places outside of here to do so.  If I have to referee anything, I will turn this car around so fast...   

Comments

[Megan]

Bringing my car into dealership for annual inspection (in Texas that is how you get your annual safety tag). Attendant says to me as I step out of my cute little Beetle, "Ma'am, any concealed hand-guns in here?"
Why gosh darn, I left those behind when I moved from Chicago to Texas. Sheesh!!!

[Paula]

Going in for the 6 week check up after giving birth to my 3rd son, the Dr. leans in...and says..."OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!!...."Turns out...I was pregnant again..with son #4.

[bayoutehce]

I'm the oldest of three girls. Me and first sis are 1.5 years apart. Me and second sis are 6 years apart.

While me and the next girl were teasing the youngest unmercifully, our dad comments "Oh, beeze (she was six years old at the time) they're teasing you so."

Her response: "That's ok Dad, cause I'm Cinderella and these are my two ugly step-sisters".

WE NEVER LIVED THAT DOWN. My mother told that story to every guy that "came-a-courtin".

[Marchelle]

From huge HS freshman crush:

him: you've got a piece of candy on your nose.

me: umm...it's not candy.

him: ohhhhh.

stupid teenage acne (which did NOT clear up after teen years ended)

[Manic Mommy]

OK, I started reading these, and MAN, are there a bunch of ASSHOLES out there! What MEAN PEOPLE!!! But it just reminded me of one that happened to me at the gyne. Not something I didn't want to hear, but something I didn't want to READ. In my doctor chart. It said, regarding my pregnancy, my first one:

"She should gain between 16-20 as she's a bit larger than the 'average bear'." I kid you not. What a fucking asshole doctor!

FUCKER! OK, NOW I'M PISSED OFF REMEMBERING THAT ONE! HAHAHAH.

[Manic Mommy]

Things I don't want to hear: Well, from this past week, I don't want to hear the pitter patter of little feet coming into my room in crazy hours of the middle of the night. Then little kid voices telling me they don't feel good!

it's been a hellish week. But no mold here.

Hoping to see you ladies next Friday!

[Jess]

From my Doctor on Thursday:

"Some of my patients take longer to go into remission, and some never do. Maybe you're one of those people."

Awesome....I'm still eating chocolate

[MollyWood]

I was shopping with my mom and grandma. Grandma's always been pretty cool, but she's started to show her age.

I'm in the dressing room and say, "this dress is really cute."

Mom, "Come out here and let us see."

Grandma, "Oh, honey. That would look so cute if you lost 10 pounds."

Thank you.

[Vanessa]

How about......

My Husband:
"There's no reason to be fat when your 30th years old"!

Me:
"I turn 30 next week"!

My Husband:
"Well you better start dieting then"!

I have the best husband, don't I?

[Georgia]

Having traveled from Boston to my hometown for my wedding, I was enduring the last of a four day visit to the dentist ( worse than the obgyn in my book!) which was, BTW, being paid for by my parents since I hadn't been to the dentist is more than 5 years. ( long story).
The substitute and, I might mention, quite elderly dentist working on the last of several fillings, suddenly and for no apparent reason other than lack of concentration or possibly elderly dentist fatigue...DROPPED THE DRILL ON MY FACE! Swear. If there was audio I could imitate the sickening sound. Of course I felt nothing because I was numb up to my lower lids.
What I never want to hear...again...?
The assistant gasping, grabbing for tissues, and repeating
" OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhh Dear. Oooooohhhhhhh Dear, Ohhhhh...deeeeear...(in a whisper) she's getting married tomorrow Doctor."

[Pat]

Forgot I shaved my lady parts in a heart for Valentines Day for my husband....went to annual gyno appt and heard him say, "OH MY nice work"......

[Mirinda]

6 year old son to you when a weight loss commercial comes on: Mommy, you need to lose your fat belly like those ladies did. Thanks, son.

[cary]

"by the way i have a girlfriend" - guy i'm making out with.

[cary]

"that's not very good for your figure" - the subway attendant in boston, to me eating a slice of pizza. i'm poor and hungry, its all i could afford. ass.

[Faith]

How about things you don't want to hear over and over again?
From one of hundreds of parents I've had the pleasure of hearing this phrase from:
"He's just bored", and the ever popular-
"She's reading on a second grade level". Lastly, there is the old standby: "He knows all of this at home."

[RaeAnn]

As a freshman in high school, I had an unfortunate hair cut shortly after I made cheerleader. On the day of the first football game of the year, I was walking by the football players' bus and heard through the window, "That's a cheerleader?"

At a huge family event, my father was talking to his best friend from high school. The friend asked when my dad was going to have grandchildren. He announced in his ringing ex-military voice, "Her sisters don't want any and Rae Ann is never going to get married." I was 29.

The week following my son's birth, I had to take him back to the hospital for follow up blood work. My mom-in-law was along to help. As we were exiting the elevators, the security guard said, "Let me guess. Grandmother and Great-grandmother?" I was 36. I know they breed early here in Small Town, TX, but seriously!

[Julie]

From my vet when I brought my cat in due to her leaving stinky trails on my desk - where she had decided to "scoot."
"Here, look what was clogging kitty's anal glands!" Gloved finger extended!
OMG - I was scarred for life!!

[Jenny]

At the gynecologist's office as a follow-up to a procedure I had done:

Dr: Looks good, time for another baby!

Me: I don't have any babies.

I would've hoped the Dr. I had been seeing for 10 years would know this. I'm still looking for a new doctor.

[Kellee]

As an 11 yr old, I flew to Orlando by myself to visit relatives. This was in the olden days before Sept 11 and my mom (and let's be honest here - mom, dad, grandma AND grandpa - we were VERY close) accompanied me to the gate. I am in my seat (in first class - yes I was/am spoiled) - we wait and wait and wait at the gate - and finally they come on to announce that there is mechanical trouble with the plane, and that they will re-route everyone on another flight. Now at the time my mom felt about planes roughly how she felt about sitting in a bathtub with a crocodile & a cobra.

The door is opened and I hear a voice say - "This won't take off with me on it will it?" - my precious mom of course. And the pilot replies - "Nah - just do what I do - have a drink and relax"!

I am still surprised I was allowed to make the trip!

[Kellee]

Kind of off-topic, but still in line with the topic: A friend of my daughter's has suggesetd this comment when in a public restroom stall - "well, I haven't seen THAT color before!"

I am trying to work up the guts to actually use it one time - I would love to see the looks on people's faces!!! Especially in a really expensive restaurant.

[Kellee]

I thought of another one as well.

Back in 2001, we fianlly dragged my mom to the doctor as her (60-yr-old) abdomen was roughly the size of a woman carrying 5 months worth of quads. Turns out she had stage 1 ovarian cancer. We unfortunately lost her in Dec 2006 - stuff had come back in her bones and lungs.

As she was waiting in her room the day before her surgery the nurse came in and was talking to her. The nurse says "Yes, it looks ike a textbook case of ovarian cancer." Seriously, my mom was paranoid enough of hospitals when a family member was in one, let alone herself. This nurse is extremely fortunate that I was not there. She would have needed to drag her ignorant ass down to the ER after I got thru with her.

Not to mention this was in Cincinnati during the race riots we had after a cop shot what turned out to be an unarmed teen (at night, refused to stop running, appeared to be reaching for a gun...). We live about 20 miles north and there was something like a 7 pm curfew, AND the hospital was near a not great part of town to be white in! Especially after dark!

Before she went to the doctor, she had several clueless idiots make comments to her regarding her appearance. She actually had more than one "When are you due?"'s (remember, my mom was 60!) I was never with her when these instances occurred. I wish I had been. I would have been like "Why - do you want to buy her a present for the baby?" or "Yeah she's due in August - we're giving it up since she's not married and the father skipped town - are you interested in adopting it?"

Mom always felt bad for these folks. I told her they are idiots and they should be made to feel stupid.

Another quickie (to lighten the mood now that I've brought everyone down):

Sitting in an Applebee's many years ago with hubby & his 2 sisters (hubby & I were still dating - at that time it was a "fancy" restaurant) for roughly an hour and a half - AFTER we had ordered and AFTER everyone around us who had arrived AFTER us had either gotten their food, finished eating and/or left, we still have no food. We FINALLY track down the manager and ask about our food. In the meantime the waiter has been going to all the other tables in the section except for us. The manager send the waiter over and he promptly says "Now what was your order again?" - AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! We order - AGAIN - as best as we can remember - and proceed to wait longer. He comes back and says not to worry about the bill - NO SHIT SHERLOCK - you think?

We also overheard the manager tell another table that the server was having problems causing him to be in the bathroom a lot - OH JOY!

Needless to say, we never visited that particular Applebee's again!

[Jen]

I ususally have long hair, but ever now and then I cut it up to my chin, but angled in the back, an inverted bob. Well now I work in Construction, so mostly with men. The last time I did this, the first guy through the door took one look at me and said:

"Woh, did you get drunk and cut your own hair?"

Also heard that day:

"Did you have a nervous breakdown or something?"

and "What happened???"

[DawnMarie]

While working on the lighting crew for one of the plays my high school was putting on, I was up in one of the two catwalks adjusting lights with a co-worker: With my back to him, as he was leaning over the edge wrenching a light into place: "Oh SHIT!...(dead silence)... Oh yeah! LOOKOUT BELOW!!" **LARGE CRASH FROM STAGE BELOW**. Needless to say, no one was allowed on the stage while the lights were being moved off their perches after that.

[BB]

Another one...you guys have triggered my memory.

After donating a kidney to my 1 yr. old son...I later hear my now ex tell my relatives.

"Yeah, she was all bloated and had the worst bad breath."

Is it any wonder we're divorced?

[BB]

Another one...you guys have triggered my memory.

After donating a kidney to my 1 yr. old son...I later hear my now ex tell my relatives.

"Yeah, she was all bloated and had the worst bad breath."

Is it any wonder we're divorced?

[BB]

The question of the week I ask my ex husband.

Do you have the child support money?

The answer I don't want to hear, but keeping hearing it...

Not yet, but I should have it TOMORROW!

[Beverly]

In the midst of a family reunion, there was a discussion about the differences in raising boys and girls, my mother says (and in front of me): I'd rather have 10 boys to another girl.

Recently, from my father: I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

Nah, I don't have issues. None at all.

[JaymeK]

Don't want to hear this from ANYbody, contractor, relative, cashier, chat poster or otherwise:

"You know what your problem is?"

[Tara]

After giving birth, while getting stitched up:

Me: How many stitches do I have?

Doctor: I didn't count.

Also, while getting an annual physical one year, during the breast exam:

Doctor stands back, puts her hand on her chin and says: You know, you can get those fixed.

[Lisa]

From a parent to a Kindergarten teacher:

"He has a few behavior issues..."

and

"We've packed a lot of extra clothes, especially pants and underwear..."

[nadine]

hearing a small ping while dad is in kitchen "now, where'd that nitro pill go?"

[rebecca]

From husband as he's returning with my best friend and her husband from a camping/four wheeling trip: "I kind of banged up my hip on the four wheeler so we're gonna just stop at the hospital really quick."

From doctor at ER: "Are you sure you don't need more pain meds, because you broke your pelvis?"

Oh, did I mention the four wheeler that he planted in a tree was my best friend's? Yeah, happy 4th of July!

[Sara]

While at the gyno, pap smear over, thinking I'm almost done and then I hear "it's stuck."

Yep, they couldn't unscrew the speculum and get it out.

Every doctor and nurse in the practice was called in and played with it. Finally a MALE nurse (I usually only go to female gynos) was able to get the thing out.

Yeah, not embarrassing at all.

[JILL]

DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD WITH THE 14 YEAR OLD!

HER: YOU KNOW THAT I AM HAVING SEX WITH ---!

ME: ALMOST SMASHED INTO THE TELEPHONE POLE!

[hleakuhl]

From my husband:

"Ummm...this medication I'm on is ruining my libido. I don't feel like having sex. EVER."

[Ashley]

My mother-n-law came to visit and she informed me that she ran out of deodorant and used her femine spray on her armpits. How gross is that. She said it says it is a deodorant spray. EWWWWW!!!

[Veronica]

Patient to nurse:
"I tried to wait for the bedpan but..."

[Kas]

While 7 months pregnant in a deep-tearful-screaming discussion with my boyfriend telling his COWORKERS about how big my butt had gotten.

"Seriously honey, it used to be like two juicy melons bouncing back and forth, but now it's like two beach balls beating the hell out of each other."

"YOU TOLD THEM THAT?!?!"

[Kassandra]

From babysitter who also happens to by my mother.

"I think your (7 month old) daughter just had a seizure. Oh and she's got 104 fever!"

I was once a 911 operator.. And this was the thing you NEVER wanted to hear.. Ever.

**On the 911 line**
"This isn't an emergency... But.." Which was usually followed by "There is a cow on...."

GAH!

[cori]

My father and brother were at the supermarket and standing in the checkout line. My brother was about 3, and pretty much at bum level. They were waiting patiently, when all of a sudden my brother, in the loudest voice a 3 year old can do announced to the WHOLE store "Daddy, this man just farted!"... ya, lets just say dad didn't stay and mom never got her eggs or milk!!

[tracee]

After a glorious weekend away with my new crush, having spent 3 days in bed in a five star resort:

"This was the best weekend I've ever had. My wife would really love it here!"

Ummm, hello??? WIFE???? Is this something you neglected to mention the past three months??? (shame on me, I know... but I stopped talking to him then and there (and stole a hotel robe to be added to his credit card!!!!)

[sarag]

While on the runway, engine running, literally just about to take-off, the pilot informs us that we must immediately go back to our gate due to a "baggage" issue. Once back at gate, about 10 people board, all serious looking and mr. fix-it types, the pilot then informs us, "turns out we have a broken gas gauge and no gas".

[shannon]

Waiting on jetway for bumblenuts passengers ahead to put their crap away and SIT DOWN already (jesus, WHY does this take so long?), I see the pilot come off the plane, take a look at a red pushbutton on the jetway that operates some machinery and say "Huh, wonder what that's for..."

[Ev]

My first C-Section:

Doctor: "You wont feel any pain. Just some tugging and like someone is doing dishes in your belly."

I spent the rest of the surgery trying to get that image out of my head. The doctor elbow deep in my belly washing dishes, suds and all. What kind of gross analogy is that!!

[Jessica]

I've posted two already, but I thought of another one...

My husband (who had titanium hardware in his head from a previous brain surgery) gently wakes me up from an afternoon nap, holds out his cupped hand which has a tiny titanium screw in it and says, "This just came out of my head. I think you should take me to the hospital."

[Leigh Ann]

From husband while pregnant with first child as I stepped out of the shower...

"Wow...when did the dog scratch you up so bad? Were you guys wrestling or something?

"Uh no, dear. Those are stretch marks."

[Genelle]

I wasn't there, but I've heard the story...

Clueless male co-worker to a female co-worker:

Man: "When the heck are you going to have that baby?!"

Woman: "Actually, I just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy...a month ago."

Man: Speechless and red in the face, he walks away.

[Marisa]

This happened TODAY:
Hubby: I did something today, and you're going to be mad.
Me: Blank stare
Hubby: Come let me show you.
Me: Raging blank stare

He shows me a quarter size hole in the couch where he dropped his cigarette when he 'accidently' fell asleep for a second.

[Kelly]

I am jealous that people in Chicago get to hear previews from your next book AND enjoy alcohol at a bookstore at the same time. You need to come to Connecticut and help us sneak alcohol into a bookstore, or books into a bar, so we can get a sneak peek, too.

[Charyll]

In the doctor's office...(after 5 years of searching for a diagnosis for my 9 year old son's behavior problems)
He's bipolar, and here are the medications... but, you can't give them to him until after this EKG... son begins to panic over mere thought of EKG, and stresses and crys during procedure, thus skewing the results.
We are now waiting for the results of another test before we can begin to medicate.