Letters from Death Row (Sort of)

On Friday, I noticed all kinds of detritus in the breezeway between my garage and back fence.  At first I was pissed off thinking, "So I've moved into yet another throw-our-garbage-into-your-yard kind of place, have I?  Well, we'll just see about THAT."

While I stomped around picking everything up, I eventually realized that it was super-windy and that this was just overspill from the construction going on next door.  What had blown in were documents the neighbors had left behind. 

As I began to examine them, I solved the mystery of why no one wanted to live in this big, beautiful house.  Turns out the vacated-as-of-November-1 place next door wasn't a cute, vintage apartment building.  Rather it was a 50 unit SRO... essentially a transient hotel.  No wonder our landlord, his dad, his business partner, the electrician, his son, our broker, and all the neighbors to the north have remarked on how happy they are the place next door is going condo.

As it is my nature to be nosy, I decided to do a little urban archeology and I scooped up the wet pile of garbage, drying out the pieces on paper towels lining my counters. 

Let me tell you, I unearthed some gems. 

One of the pieces is a letter to an ex-resident from the State Unemployment Office explaining that one cannot file for unemployment if one has never actually held a job.  There were programs from what appeared to be gang members' funerals and receipts for inmate commissary purchases in the Cook County Department of Corrections and tons and tons of those tiny zippy plastic bags that my creative girlfriends use to separate beads for when they do crafts.

Somehow I don't think the ex-neighbors were making earrings.

What I found most interesting, though, were the two letters from prisoners that wound up in the yard.  Ironically, this is not the first time letters from lockup landed on my grass and I instantly recognized the paper upon which they were written. 

(Have you figured out that we didn't move to Winnetka yet?)

Anyway, I've read and reread these letters a dozen times over the weekend because they fascinate me.  I struggled over whether or not to post them because doing so is violation of the author's privacy.  And yet I believe anything that lands in my yard officially belongs to me and if these notes were so important, someone would have packed them when they moved... right?

I'm not going to post one of them because it's depressing.  The gist is that this guy is asking for money because he needs certain prison supplies like shower shoes and cigarettes.  What really got me is not only is he begging the recipient, but he also wants her to collect what cash she can from his nephews and kids and GRANDKIDS.  I have to wonder about this man's circumstances.  Sounds like he's been in and out of jail his whole life and now here in his golden years when he should be on a porch in a rocking chair with a glass of lemonade, he's behind bars again asking his grandchildren for money.  Even though he's responsible for his own choices, I can't find any humor in this.

However, I happen to find this next too fascinating not to share. 

Dear Pat,

Hey, baby!  How are you today!  I hope and pray that you and the kids are fine. 

Well, this is one of those situations I just won't be able to slick my way out of... and [only] by chance if I did.  By any means, my mind would still be at a blank.  Meaning that you're there and whether [I'm] in in here or out there you and the family is still there.  But I ain't mad at ya!   Believe me when I say that OK, baby, I'm sorry I took so long writing you.  But I just had to find someone...  myself.  (ed. I'm going to award him a couple of bonus points for self-awareness.)  And now that I have done that, whatever life throws at me, I can catch it and run with it.  (ed. Two more points - cliche, but aware.)

Yes, I've gained weight and gotten my health up, smiling and laughing now.  But I shouldn't have been so hard-headed.  And had to come here to do this.  I blame no one but myself for that.  If by any chance I lose you or my family, I don't blame you.  Please, please don't spin a brother.  I can take it in the raw if you're with someone else or talking about getting with someone else, I won't trip.  (ed. And this is when I start to feel sorry for him.)

Stop!!  Before responding, play it like it's 2:30 in the morning and me and you are having one of those "honesty nights."  You do remember that I could be honest with you.  I've never lied to you during one of those honest nights.  So let's play like we are having one... starting now. 

Patricia, I love ya, I'll always love ya.  I miss my family and everything.  I can't imagine myself without you.  But you really want to ask me the thousand dollar question.  Have I been conversing with Natalie and Regina or [the girl] Next Door?  Right.  You don't have to say it, I know.  Well, Next Door asked me to call her about 20 times but I didn't... until today.  Regina and I talked about two or three times.  Nat I haven't called but Moms relays a message to Ronnell for me, both talking the same old county-jail-shit about how they're going to be there for a brother when I get out.  I really don't want to hear that, let alone their voices.  But a [n-word]'s here and sometimes I get BORED.  I'd rather talk to you but at the same time, I don't want to be bothering you too much either... I ain't new to this but true to this.  (ed. Am so stealing this line.)

I know how it is when a [n-word] gets LOCKED THE FUCK UP.  (ed. Wow, Dooce-caps have made it all the way to County.  What does that make them then?  A Dooce-cap-in-your-ass?)  His ass is out and motherfuckers want to spin ya ass like a top.  Well, I ain't about to get dizzy.  (ed. Is it just me or is this a tad profound?)  My dizzy days are OVER... so I ask you now to be real with me and level with me about your life now. 

The last thing I need is for my wife (ed. Wife?!  Wife??  And you haven't written, instead choosing to talk to Regina and Nat and Next Door?  Dude.  You had me.  And then you lost me.) to be lying to me because she feels it's the right thing to do.  Not in this case it ain't.  Hey, baby, I'll always love ya!  But if there's another, let me move on...  (ed. That's the only page I have and Fletch won't let me dumpster-dive to find the rest.)

Oh, Patricia... good call on not taking this letter with you.

And please tell me that when you moved, you didn't give this guy your forwarding address.

 

Comments

[Sandy]

Hey Jen,

I found this letter while working at a county jail in Southeast Texas. It is from a female inmate to a male inmate. It was hidden in a lunch tray going back to the kitchen. Thought you might enjoy it.

Lil P,

Hey whats up? Me nothing just saw you. Well my mom came early sorry I didn't know but I'm glad I saw you. You didn't look too happy. Do you smile? Well Im really starting to have feelings for you too. When I fall for someone I fall fast and hard, so I really hope you aren't fucking with me. Cause I think about you too and I look forward to getting your letters and seeing you. Your so sexy. You need to start acting like you like seeing me when you see me in the hall. And stop hollering at those other girls when they go to visitation. Cause I really do have (or starting to) have feelings for you and I will beat a bitch down and drop you faster than shit. No I don't have any kids, but I was pregnant once. I had a miscariage. I was engaged and shit at the time though. I want kids though. Do you want to get married? I want to get married and if things keep going good with us I wouldn't mind it with you. Im not trying to scare you away just being real with you. Anyways yeah I want 2 kids. Everyone tells me I will make pretty mixed babies. We will just have to find somewhere to stay when you get out because I don't have anywhere for us to stay and the only place I have to stay is my mom and her girlfriend and IM NOT STAYING THERE! I cant watch my mom kissing and calling another woman babe all the time. NO! I hope you are getting fellings for me though cause I was scared I was the only one. I tend to start liking to much too quickly. Im not going to forget about you. I lost my licence like 2 weeks before I came in here and had a warrent so my mom is taking me the day after I get out to get my licence so it might be a couple of weeks before I can come see you but I promise I will. And I will get your information before I get out too so I can write you also. You can still call me and stuff until then and when I come and see you maybe you won't think Im fucking with you and I'm being real. Cause Im so serious about having feelings for you. I get disappointed when I don't get a letter from you. GOD I hope you are serious. I will be so fucking pissed if your not. My mom was asking who you were I told her my man. She was like how is he your man and ya'll are in jail? She said boy them guys don't leave you alone do they. HAHA I said now they better. No its not a good thing getting thick. I don't want to be thick again I like the size I was when I came in. A size 2. Thats small but I'm happy that size. Well don't worry when you get out I will take care of you. OH BELIEVE ME! Just wait!! There won't be no other guy when you get out. I will be waiting on you. Let me know when your court date is cause I want to be there. I pray you get out. I don't see why they wouldn't. Then we can find somewhere to stay together. Sounds stupid but I can't wait. You might think you like me being high-maintenance, but Im already a spoiled brat. Im not gonna lie. But you aren't gonna spoil me I will spoil myself or my parents will I won't let you. I feel stupid letting a guy take care of me. The dick and duty letter thing was a joke. You can smile though! My hair looked stupid I didn't expect to go to a visit today. I have a bad headache too. I like how long the letter was this time. I thought they were gonna shake us down today I almost had to throw your letters away. I was like fuck. I wanna keep them. So we can show our kids when they get older. OMG IM JUST FUCKING WITH YOU!! DID I SCARE YOU!! OK. Well if you havent figured it out I am your woman and you better plan on staying with me so you better make sure I'm who you wanna be with. Cause I'm not going through anymore bullshit so you better plan on sitting in a rocking chair next to me when we are 90! HA! Well w/b asap and put it in the diet tray thats wrapped at lunch cause I worked something out with her. Stay sexy and GOOD!

Always, Green Eyes

P.S. Think about me!! I'll be thinking about you. I ALWAYS DO!! Its crazy and its really starting to scare me. I start feeling like this I get hurt. You can say you won't hurt me but how do you really know and who konws someone won't come in here like I did and you like them better. EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT???

[Dara]

Jen...who does this stuff happen to? haha The strangest things go on with you...it's very entertaining for the rest of us though! Keep writing girl, you are amazing.

[The Glamorous Life]

This was INSANELY facinating.
I would have totally dried out these papers too. I don't think you are crazy at all. OR we are BOTH crazy.

This is just a jewel. A jewel.

And I ain't about to get Dizzy on ya.

[Jennifer]

Thanks for the great post, Jen! I am supposed to be "working" in my office and this was the perfect break. I swear I could hear the corny soap opera music in the background as I was reading the brotha's letter.

[borntobemild]

We need a new book. I've reread all three and am having withdrawals. Also, please visit Miami. BTW, for years I regularly got calls from an inmate in a state penitentiary who insisted on calling me "Yo Vivian" even though I explained to him (several times) that he had the wrong number (yes, I accepted the charges out of curiosity - you never know?)

[Kim]

Seriously Jen I want to read the rest of this letter---dumpster..now!!! haha
Tell Fletch you have to get into the dumpster for "work related purposes"

[Salena of The Daily Rant]

I agree with the "anything that lands in my yard is mine" line.

I just wish you posted the ACTUAL letter, in his handwriting and all. Also, the Comic Sans font you chose to use doesn't do it justice - it's too juvenile a font for that kind of letter.

Interesting read though. Since she left the letter in the trash, I'm sure she's also moved on.

She left this brotha spinnin' and trippin'.

Poor guy.

[Jodie]

Damn you Fletch for having some dignity and honor! Jen--Seriously, jump into the dumpster.

[ballerinatoes]

The fella had to explain what most of that meant. Sometimes I'm so gangsta illiterate. On another gangsta note, did anyone see my beloved Snoop Dogg on Martha today? What's crack a lackin beeotch? hehe.

[Sarah Elizabeth]

This is HILARIOUS. I love the ebonics. My favorite line is "I ain't new to this but true to this."

LOL!

[Kate]

OMG! You are the only person that this would happen to. I never have prioner's letters in my yard, just the annoying loud chick upstairs deciding that her 4 year old wasn't enough to drive me insane, let's buy him a dog!
You have to post more! I am intrigued.

[Lo]

bwahahahahahah omg omg omg. duuuuude. doode. seriously? 'i ain't new to this but true to this' uhm yeah. so im stealin that one too. wtf??? man. you have WEIRD ASS NEIGHBORS in the city!!!! (i, on the other hand, am safe with my hicks up in grayslake.) (wait. that came out wrong.)

[Carolyn]

I so want to be your BFF and send time at your house!!!! You crack me up! Well, at least he is "keepin it real" and letting her know that he is going to getting a little "sumpin, sumpin" on the side. Thank God for honesty nights!!

[Emily]

Wow.... reading that was like reading the letter I found in a notebook once. This letter was from a pregnant nineteen year old telling her boyfriend to shape up or she'd move out. Dra-ma!

[Sarah]

Maybe they will change it to a brothel next door..Ooooo..Wouldn't that be fun to go all stalkerazzi on??

[TheBabblingHousewife]

What good trash! Seriously. Great material for you to work with.

MUCH better than the 3500 sf of dog pee covered trash (that filled the five dumpsters!) they pulled out of the crazy lady's house next door when she moved out.

[Lisa Johnson]

I find it rather curious that you think this jailbird's old and in his golden years just because he mentions grandkids! He probably baecame an "urban manz" at the ripe old age of 14 so his grandkids came about the age of 30....

[Beth]

I was going to suggest Found Magazine too, but someone or two beat me too it.

Also: if you have a chance to catch the Found road tour - do it! Fan-fugu-tastic.

[Jennifer.RN]

I work with D.O.C. inmates in FL. Let me tell you, that man has more than those 3 on the side and he is talking and probably writing to a whole lot more with those same "loving" words! Probably getting money from them too. What a sad, pitiful world, huh?

[Kadee Della Donna]

Jen, Jen, Jen,

As a white girl who cannot use the n word you can most certainly keep the n word in a document writen by a Black Person. They have permission, and that permission flows through to you as guardian of their literary work. It's just not the same cleaned up that way!

[Sarah]

You crack me up. I can't even take it anymore! Looking forward to your next book...

[Julie]

I wish I could get some good dirt of my neighbors to blow in my yard!

[Sean]

Why do you get all the good neighbor trash? All I get is the trailer trash next door's used condoms.

[Jane]

I can always count on you for a good laugh!!!!

[M]

i am halfway through 'bright lights, big ass' and just finished 'bitter is the new black' ... and now i've just discovered your blog! woo! the similarities in our lives are practically scary and i am just LOVING the stories you tell, so thanks!

M

[Shoepants]

Dear Jen-

I just thought you should know that this made my day. After three classes, writing a paper, studying for finals and feeling sorry for myself, I realize that my life is pretty fricken awesome. At least I'm not playing the "honesty game" at 2:30 in the morning with the neighborhood man-ho. Thanks :)

and ps- I can't wait for the next time you go dumpster diving

[Emily]

Jen, this could only happen to you.

you have so much freakin' material for your books in just this one trashy-treasure-trove --- more than I've been able to come up with in 7 months.

Some people are just lucky like that, I guess...

...so jealous...

ooooh! I just finished reading the book you wrote about a while back, "Time of My Life"? Ohmygosh it was truly incredible. Allyson Winn Scotch is pretty amazing; almost to your level, huh? almost. :)

[ms mickey]

the letter was entertaining but it sounds like typical jailhouse bullshit. "I love you, I'm a Muslim, Born again Christian, I'm sobered up, I'll never do it again, I know I was wrong", etc, etc.This guy has probably written some variation of the same letter to about 5 or 6 women who I hope all threw their letters in the trash. The good thing about a guy in jail??? At least you know where they are at night.

[Alysia]

I really love how he worked to connect with the reader, drawing her in, by starting the "honesty night" game.

I am not convinced that the game will work quite the same via a letter, but "ya gotta give a brother mad props" for trying.

[Ericka]

this is so unfair - i live next door to a half-way house and the only things to end up in my yard are trash and needles.

but, i'd have been through every paper in the dumpster if i'd have gotten a chance at it. yay for dumpster diving!

[zandor]

That was pretty great to read.

[Sally]

Do they have SRO's in the suburbs? I don't think they do which makes me think...you're still in the city!

There's an SRO 2 blocks from me. My neighborhood is pretty nice so it always cathes me off guard seeing the guys who literally dresses like a pimp and other "characters" walking around. And it's right across the street from the 7-Eleven I frequent to get drunken nachos (those would be nachos drenched in cheese that I eat when I'm drunk), and at that time of night, the crowd at the SRO is mighty interesting. Too bad your SRO is no longer operating - would have made for some interesting stories, but the trash they left behind is mighty interesting as well.

[Shannon]

We need more! That letter was great.

[Ginny]

Another Hallmark moment, courtesy of Jen!

(Although I can't believe, germophobe that you are, that you picked up the trash and then brought it into your house and PUT IT ON THOSE GRANITE COUNTERTOPS!!!! Paper towels or no, that was a gutsy move!!! Purell, anyone??? :D )

[Leslie]

Prison letters are truly a forgotten art. If Shakespeare were in prison today, we would be reading this instead of Romeo and Juliet.

[PomJob]

I believe once something's in the trash, it's public domain. All those episode of Law & Order payoff in times like this.

[Nada]

I just love all the goofy stuff that happens to you. Thanks for making me laugh today.

[Medicated]

You should send this to Found Magazine. Or their website: www.foundmagazine.com

The comments on that site are fun to read too.

[gina]

wow! i was totally roped into that letter

[Kate]

I'm always picking up homework and love letters I find on the street!
Thank God I'm not alone!

Send it to foundmagazine.com

[mickey]

Am dying laughing here- one of the "benefits" of my job as an evidence clerk for the local PD is getting to read some of the prison letters that get brought in as evidence when a drug dealer gets busted. None of our scuzballs is as poetic as this guy, but some of them are hysterical, especially read aloud w/goofy accents.

And the little baggies? I could tell you if you really wanted to know....but I suspect you don't.

[Kristiina]

Hate to break it to you. But our Romeo here didnt come up with the line "I ain't new to this but true to this." is a Juelz Santana line from Mariah Carey's song "Don't Forget About Us- Remix" LOL =) Still it is classy. LOL

[Sarah]

Hmmmm, possibly someone you can stalk and become their pen pal? Please? Do it for us. Think of the writing material it will create!

[Phyllis]

oops, make that MZA.

[Phyllis]

Jen, I don't think it's worth diving for more. That was priceless, but it sounds like he's about done, but you never know. Could ramble on making excuses for another two pages.

P.S. Love MVA's comment

[MZA]

And I thought prison was a good place to keep your baby-daddy. . . . . .

[SnarkyMommy]

This is, by far, my favorite line: "His ass is out and motherfuckers want to spin ya ass like a top." I might make that our newest SnarkyBabies shirt!

[Soren]

I was going to say, before reading the deets, that apparently lots of prison letters are in some crazy code, so they seem to be talking about life and stuff, but really they're setting up a hit from the inside! I have been watching too much of the prisoner natural geographic tv!

I can't BELIEVE you touched garbage! Ewwwww... but I love that your curiosity overcame the ick factor, and look at the gems you pulled up!

The best garbage I ever found was in a public parking lot, I found an old container of MAC makeup-- not to USE but I added it to my "back-to-MAC" collection where 6 containers = 1 free lipstick :D

I love Michelle's new book titles for you!

Keep the dogs away from the fence...

[Fe]

Perhaps if you called it "de-archiving" instead of "dumpster-diving" perhaps Fletch may not be opposed to it? More pleeeeease? Like pretty please?

[Liz]

this made my day. thank you!