Letters from Death Row (Sort of)

On Friday, I noticed all kinds of detritus in the breezeway between my garage and back fence.  At first I was pissed off thinking, "So I've moved into yet another throw-our-garbage-into-your-yard kind of place, have I?  Well, we'll just see about THAT."

While I stomped around picking everything up, I eventually realized that it was super-windy and that this was just overspill from the construction going on next door.  What had blown in were documents the neighbors had left behind. 

As I began to examine them, I solved the mystery of why no one wanted to live in this big, beautiful house.  Turns out the vacated-as-of-November-1 place next door wasn't a cute, vintage apartment building.  Rather it was a 50 unit SRO... essentially a transient hotel.  No wonder our landlord, his dad, his business partner, the electrician, his son, our broker, and all the neighbors to the north have remarked on how happy they are the place next door is going condo.

As it is my nature to be nosy, I decided to do a little urban archeology and I scooped up the wet pile of garbage, drying out the pieces on paper towels lining my counters. 

Let me tell you, I unearthed some gems. 

One of the pieces is a letter to an ex-resident from the State Unemployment Office explaining that one cannot file for unemployment if one has never actually held a job.  There were programs from what appeared to be gang members' funerals and receipts for inmate commissary purchases in the Cook County Department of Corrections and tons and tons of those tiny zippy plastic bags that my creative girlfriends use to separate beads for when they do crafts.

Somehow I don't think the ex-neighbors were making earrings.

What I found most interesting, though, were the two letters from prisoners that wound up in the yard.  Ironically, this is not the first time letters from lockup landed on my grass and I instantly recognized the paper upon which they were written. 

(Have you figured out that we didn't move to Winnetka yet?)

Anyway, I've read and reread these letters a dozen times over the weekend because they fascinate me.  I struggled over whether or not to post them because doing so is violation of the author's privacy.  And yet I believe anything that lands in my yard officially belongs to me and if these notes were so important, someone would have packed them when they moved... right?

I'm not going to post one of them because it's depressing.  The gist is that this guy is asking for money because he needs certain prison supplies like shower shoes and cigarettes.  What really got me is not only is he begging the recipient, but he also wants her to collect what cash she can from his nephews and kids and GRANDKIDS.  I have to wonder about this man's circumstances.  Sounds like he's been in and out of jail his whole life and now here in his golden years when he should be on a porch in a rocking chair with a glass of lemonade, he's behind bars again asking his grandchildren for money.  Even though he's responsible for his own choices, I can't find any humor in this.

However, I happen to find this next too fascinating not to share. 

Dear Pat,

Hey, baby!  How are you today!  I hope and pray that you and the kids are fine. 

Well, this is one of those situations I just won't be able to slick my way out of... and [only] by chance if I did.  By any means, my mind would still be at a blank.  Meaning that you're there and whether [I'm] in in here or out there you and the family is still there.  But I ain't mad at ya!   Believe me when I say that OK, baby, I'm sorry I took so long writing you.  But I just had to find someone...  myself.  (ed. I'm going to award him a couple of bonus points for self-awareness.)  And now that I have done that, whatever life throws at me, I can catch it and run with it.  (ed. Two more points - cliche, but aware.)

Yes, I've gained weight and gotten my health up, smiling and laughing now.  But I shouldn't have been so hard-headed.  And had to come here to do this.  I blame no one but myself for that.  If by any chance I lose you or my family, I don't blame you.  Please, please don't spin a brother.  I can take it in the raw if you're with someone else or talking about getting with someone else, I won't trip.  (ed. And this is when I start to feel sorry for him.)

Stop!!  Before responding, play it like it's 2:30 in the morning and me and you are having one of those "honesty nights."  You do remember that I could be honest with you.  I've never lied to you during one of those honest nights.  So let's play like we are having one... starting now. 

Patricia, I love ya, I'll always love ya.  I miss my family and everything.  I can't imagine myself without you.  But you really want to ask me the thousand dollar question.  Have I been conversing with Natalie and Regina or [the girl] Next Door?  Right.  You don't have to say it, I know.  Well, Next Door asked me to call her about 20 times but I didn't... until today.  Regina and I talked about two or three times.  Nat I haven't called but Moms relays a message to Ronnell for me, both talking the same old county-jail-shit about how they're going to be there for a brother when I get out.  I really don't want to hear that, let alone their voices.  But a [n-word]'s here and sometimes I get BORED.  I'd rather talk to you but at the same time, I don't want to be bothering you too much either... I ain't new to this but true to this.  (ed. Am so stealing this line.)

I know how it is when a [n-word] gets LOCKED THE FUCK UP.  (ed. Wow, Dooce-caps have made it all the way to County.  What does that make them then?  A Dooce-cap-in-your-ass?)  His ass is out and motherfuckers want to spin ya ass like a top.  Well, I ain't about to get dizzy.  (ed. Is it just me or is this a tad profound?)  My dizzy days are OVER... so I ask you now to be real with me and level with me about your life now. 

The last thing I need is for my wife (ed. Wife?!  Wife??  And you haven't written, instead choosing to talk to Regina and Nat and Next Door?  Dude.  You had me.  And then you lost me.) to be lying to me because she feels it's the right thing to do.  Not in this case it ain't.  Hey, baby, I'll always love ya!  But if there's another, let me move on...  (ed. That's the only page I have and Fletch won't let me dumpster-dive to find the rest.)

Oh, Patricia... good call on not taking this letter with you.

And please tell me that when you moved, you didn't give this guy your forwarding address.

 

Comments

[Jen P]

"The Notebook II"

[liz]

Prison shower shoes...
*five dollars...

Prison shampoo...
*two dollars...

Jen's found letters from prison...
PRICELESS

*All prison prices estimated.
I have NO knowledge of life on "Prisoner Cell Block H".

[Sils]

So, not Lake Forest either?

This makes me think of the girl I used to sit next to at work, who spent 7 hours a day on personal phone calls talking about her Boo and how she had to call the po-po on him the night before. You can't help but listen. Especially since the minute someone drops the F-bomb my ears perk up like a Broder Collie on a ranch.

[Sarah]

This message is to FLETCH.....Come on!! More dumpster diving! It's doing a community service to clean this stuff up. (and it is fascinating - I want more!!) Note to JEN: Just do it while he's at work.

[Cindee]

This is what I interpreted from the letter;
Love ya babe so much, something, something, spining like a top (wondering if this is some new rapper dance, or either that or I'm totally not a hipster anymore, was I ever? hmmmm) something something something, love ya so much babe, trying not to get busy on the phone with some other chicks, did good only contacted one, something something something, if you find someone else good on you, something something something, love ya babe....now that is sheer poetry people!

[Manic Mommy]

A dude's gotta do what a dude's gotta do. stayin' true to his Next Door and all.

Jen, I'm coming over. I'll hold your feet for you so you don't fall in, OK?

[Suz]

I am still snickering and contemplating who to pass this on to.

I would totally buy a book of "Letters from Prison" after reading this (Especially with your commentary thrown in!)

[Domestic Goddess (In Training)]

Who needs Shakespeare when you have inmate number 5585887????

[Beth]

HA! That's great! Think she kicks herself for letting that one get away?

Please continue updating us on life from the dark (sad and lonely - but funny as hell) side.

[Cathy D.]

I'd be taking up song writing because you could give Eminem a run for this money there.

[JennD]

Okay - this one deserved a phone call to my husband. Of course it took me a couple of minutes to stop laughing when he answered the phone. And a few more just to get through the post! That is classic! Though we do have what we call "Trashy-McTrashes" living behind us...can't say I've come accross anything as exciting as this :-)

[Sweet Herald]

He used the correct spelling of you're. Awesome.

[Elginista]

When I bought my house, I discovered my own "mystery of why no one wanted to live in this big, beautiful house." I thought the big, old house next door was merely a single family home in need of some work. In reality, it had been carved into four one bedroom units, two of which were occupied by crack dealers. Now, after three years of fun and adventure, it's been cleared out and condemned. I only hope when/if it's torn down, it's replaced by something nice and positive for the neighborhood. But a couple artifacts like this would be icing on the cake.

[Michelle]

New book ideas:
Jen's True Life Tales From the Hood
Such a Funny Trash
Big House, Bonus Trash

[Dutchess of Kickball]

Noooooooooooooo...you can't leave us hanging like that. We need the rest of the letter.

[goodfather]

'A Dooce-cap-in-your-ass?'

GA-SNORT!! Dang, gotta clean coffee off my monitor again...

[jennifer z.]

Much better than a soap opera! I would have gone back for the rest of the letter.

Since comments are closed for your last post, let me wish you a belated Happy Birthday President Jen! And another suggestion for the window privacy issues... Ikea sells cheap-ass rolls of frosted vinyl window covering. It sounds like it should only be used in homes with plastic on the furniture, but in the right (read: desperate) situation it is really useful. The windows in my apartment bedroom look directly into the window of the house next door, not to mention that they take up half the height of my wall. So in order to not live with the curtains closed or give a free show to the whole neighborhood I succumbed to the privacy vinyl. I left some uncovered glass at the top of the windows so I could still see the outside world and let in some sunshine on cold winter days. It would be a way to really class up your new place! (I just remembered, they sell a weird patterned covering too, but that really looks like it should only be used in public service waiting rooms.)

[Kelly]

Girl, I don't even know where to start with all those nuggets. You'll have enough material for five books.

[Terri D.]

Damn. All that ever blows into my yard are the neighbors' leaves.

[derfina]

...motherfuckers want to spin your ass like a top...well I ain't about to get dizzy. *barks with laughter*

OHGOD. Poor guy. Don't ya just wanna holler "Don't drop the soap, dude...Somebody be spinnin' YO ass like a top!"

[Kristabella]

OK, that is phenomenal! I would go dumpster diving for the rest of it!

Also, I'm looking to buy a condo next year, are they nice?

[Kari]

Wow! Some of that is hilarious and then parts are kind of sad. It makes me wonder how this man got into his current situation and/or if he saw it coming. *scratches head and wonders if there is anything good in her front lawn or dumpster*

[Kelly]

His grasp on the English language astounds me. "Don't spin a brother!" (We wouldn't want him to get dizzy now, would we...)

[Susan]

Awww. The old love letters from my ex. Welcome to the hood.

[Courtney]

OMG! hysterical. I love these letters. I used to work in a girls juvenile facility, and the letters we would find were amazing. They would have six to twenty guys going at the same time, pledging their eternal love and devotion. Too funny. Imagine what the literate world would concoct if we had that many free hours a day?! :)

[sue Treiber]

interesting garbage never blows into my yard.
some people have all the luck!

[rDogg87]

Letter writing will never be completely lost as long as we have prison inmates to keep the artform alive. It's almost kind of nice to read a personal note that doesn't include a LOL, ;-), :-P, IMO, LMAO, ROTFLMAO, or WTF. Thanks for posting!

:-D

[complicated v]

wow! that is crazy! definitely too good not to post. thanks for sharing - makes me feel better about my life.

[Erin]

At the risk of sounding completely heartless, that is funny as hell! And I totally would have read them, too. Word!

[Phil Philstofferson]

Fascinating! I have to be honest, I would have read them all too.

[Smartass Milf]

Priceless!!! Why can't I find gems like these near my place? "I ain't new to this but true to this" I have to steal that.