The House That Bitter Built (OK, Fine, Rented)

Did I recently mention here that I was moving? 

I can't recall, because this certainly isn't a topic upon which I might fixate or anything.  Oh, and I had a deadline, too.  But I probably forgot to say anything because I tend to keep my stressors pretty close to the vest.

Heh.  (Or I'm sorry.  Your choice.)

So, we're here in the new house.  And we're nowhere near finished unpacking.  My shoes and pajamas still live in a box somewhere and we only have one television hooked up, so pretty much that's the only room that's even close to being done.

As I might have mentioned, the new place is a tad on the ridiculous side, starting with the fact that it's thirty-six hundred square feet larger than our last home.  You guys?  It's a fucking barn, stacked on top of another barn, stacked on top of a third, and then filled with Brazilian cherrywood flooring and granite finishes. 

* * *

Lest I sound all braggy-braggy about my sophisticated new house/life, I just took a break to chase the dogs around the basement for half an hour with a can of compressed air.  I'm sure Town & Country is going to call me any minute now. 

ANYWAY.

The only reason we got in here at an affordable rental price is because of the crappy housing market.  No one wants to buy such a luxurious place right now.  However, the owner hopes to sell it to us next year, which is awesome because we hope to buy it.  (If that has any chance of happening, I'll need to work harder than I may be capable of working.  So if we don't get it, then I lived in a castle for a year, and that's cool, too.)  (The downside of buying is if we owned this place, our landlord's dad wouldn't come over here to fix stuff any more and he's completely adorable and brings me Cuban coffee and tells me stories about his travels.  You can't buy that kind of built-in cute.)

Before I get into the The Window Covering Debacle of 2008, I have to mention the old house.  We moved on election day, and I went over there Wednesday, which was my birthday.  We planned to scoop up the few things the movers had missed and then to return here where Stacey would bring take out and we'd all celebrate the big four-one. 

What I didn't anticipate was how lonely and empty our old house would look, which made me cry... and not just a little bit.  I'm talking big, wracked, sobbing-like-that-baby-with-a-bowl-full-of-spaghetti-on-his-head poster. 

The thing is, even with all the stupid neighbors and the sinking and the mold, we were really happy there.  I feel like that's the place we got our lives back on track.  I stopped temping while living in that house.  I had my first book party in that house.  I became successful in that house. 

Reflecting back on our time there, I was just overwhelmed with how sad it was to leave.  Even Fletch got verklempt.  He said that what did it was walking out of the garage and seeing the back of the house.  It made him reminisce that no matter how bad his day had been, he'd come home and see the dogs and me waiting for him in my office and suddenly everything would be better.  So, when he opened the door, even though I was behind him, he was somehow expecting to be greeted by a smiling me and happy dogs and the smell of dinner.  But all that was there were some empty cabinets and the hum of an industrial dehumidifier.

So, I called Stacey crying to bail on dinner plans and instead went back to the new place, determined to make it look and feel as much like home as possible.  We're not at 100% yet, but we're getting there. 

We had to stop at the old place one more time last night because our movers had accidentally packed our landlords' mower and we wanted to return it.  This time it wasn't so melancholy because it looks so different.  The entire kitchen has been gutted because of the water leak and now all forty-seven of my pretty white cabinets are scattered throughout the wee first floor.  Also, I could see the wall where'd they'd barely been hanging on to a rotten stud surrounded by giant blooms of black mold and I knew from looking around, there's no way we could have stayed there.  There's too much damage.

And, in a bittersweet moment, I was vindicated for a year's worth of argument.  Along the open area where the wall joined the floor behind the cabinets, I saw droppings.  Not mouse droppings like Fletch assured me, but rat droppings.  Big, fat, filthy, disease-ridden rat droppings.  So I was right.  There really was a ratinmyhouse, ratinmyhouse, ratinmyhouse.

'Tis a hollow victory, indeed.

Anyway, part of making this place feel more like home is getting window coverings.  I've counted the windows a whole bunch of times and I generally come up with different numbers.  The number I've gotten the most consistently is sixty-eight.

Sixty-eight means a lot of curtains.

For a number of the windows, I took your collective advice and put up little tension rods with sheers.  At approximately five bucks a window, that's almost as cost-effective as my idea of covering them with old newspaper.  Unfortunately, the very nature of them being sheer means these can't be in any rooms where I might eventually disrobe.  Plus, I noticed that I can totally see into the neighbor's house next door, as it's five feet away.  The first night here, I may or may not have spied him looking at porn and I figure if that's what he's into, he's REALLY not going to appreciate seeing me waddling from my bathroom to the master closet down the hall wearing nothing but a ratty towel and a look of distress. 

I figure I have about ten windows where it's mission-critical that the covering be opaque and it's such a nice place that I don't want to half-ass the installation myself, so I called a professional.  I wasn't sure what my budget was but I figured if simple white Roman shades cost $20 at Target, maybe getting them custom made would double or triple the cost, which would still be a small price to pay for saving the neighbor's retinas.

Long story short, I called Empire Direct, a consultant came out, and I learned that ten base-model, simple white Roman shades would run me four thousand dollars.

FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS.

And if I chose to do the whole house in them, then they'd cost as much as the 2006 Mercedes I walked by on my way to the bathroom at Carmax a couple of nights ago when I was there getting my tires rotated.  (If I wanted to cheap out and go with wooden blinds, they'd only run about twenty-eight hundred dollars.)

Do you know how many months of student loans I could pay with four thousand dollars?  Do you know how much rent I could pay for four thousand dollars?  (Or, if you ask Fletch, do you know how big of a TV I could get for four thousand dollars?)

As of right now, my short-term plans for maintaining my privacy include buying a goddamned bathrobe.  And maybe a newspaper.  Longer term, I found a couple of affordable custom options online so we'll go that route should I tire of the robe.

I guess my point is that living here has been full of strange little adjustments, especially because there's so much space-aged gadgetry due to the new construction.  I mean, we have a whole room of electrical panels.  I'm not so sure of how I feel about a house that is absolutely smarter than me.  (Sidebar?  Our alarm system is wired for video surveillance.  Tell me I'm not getting THAT hooked up immediately.)

Everything in here is beeps and chimes and little tones.  All day long the house sounds off with noises I can't identify.  (It's a bit sad that I could immediately tell you what a rat in my wall would sound like.) 

A couple nights ago I almost fell down all seventeen stairs because something was beeping and I couldn't figure out which was the proper light switch on my way to investigate.  (Do not ask me how many recessed lights are in this place.  I'd have to consult NASA for an estimate.)  I'd been in bed when I heard the first set of beeps and I ignored them.  But when they went off again and then a third time, I figured it was important and I'd best find out which is when I slipped and twisted my ankle. 

As I hobbled into the kitchen, I discovered I almost broke my freaking neck because the dishwasher wanted to let me know the cycle was complete.  As I stood on my now-gimpy leg, I saw it sitting there all smug and beep-y, like it was expecting a cookie or a pat on the head for a job well done.

It was all I could do to not kick it with my healthy foot.

Point?

Just because I moved doesn't mean the adventures are over.

And if a rat ever does manage to get in, the good news there's enough space that we may never run into each other.

Comments

[Kelly]

Blinds.com has good prices.

[mia]

OK,
Empire - now just reading the word I have the freaking jingle lodged in my brain. We live in a ranch house 3 bedroom 2 bath. We had Empire ( UGGH) come out to see about flooring for our tiny living room it was going to cost four grand!! Sea grass area rug it is!
Now the frost in the can, I will say it again , its cheap but looks professional. tape off and spray, its amazing. You can do a Frank Lloyd Wright design and it looks great for like $10 a can.

[SnarkyMommy]

Oh Jen, please not Empire. Any place but Empire. It toook three tries to get the carpeting right. I can't imagine blinds with the teeny-tiny measurements and their incredible ability to screw the simplest things up. Although, it gave me fodder for several entries, so you may get a new book out of it!

We got our blinds through Home Depot. You measure, take the measurements to the store and they order for you. Way way way cheaper than the Empire of Asshats. They also have sales every few months on different brands of blinds.

[Michelle W]

HI Jen;

Happy BD fellow Scorpio...we share a birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I know why I love you so much. You had me at Bitter is.........but you really got me with your after election post.

Enjoy your new digs.

Michelle

[busterparfait]

I used Rust-Oleum Frosted Glass Finnish on our HUGE front door window. It is spray on "easy drying-creates a soft, etched look", the more you spray on the more opaque it gets. I taped newspaper aroung the edges for the overspray and cut mutton bars out of contact paper, sprayed a couple of layers and removed all the paper. Looks great, all for about $10. Could easily get a couple of windows done per can. A lot cheaper than a Mercedes!

[Leslie]

I recommend IKEA as well, at least until you own the house. The cheaper method, since it's nearing holiday season, is to buy cans of the spray snowflake, frost-stuff that you decorate windows with...spray, and you are covered, at least somewhat. I have a dog that goes insane at people walking by our house so I covered some windows with wax paper. From a distance you can't tell. I will eventually replace it with the $20/roll stuff from Home Depot, but for now, it's much quieter in the house. Good luck and congrats on the new digs.

[Nicole]

Oh, and my sister spent thousands on beautiful custom wooden blinds, then my dog broke several slats trying to bark at strangers in the yard.
Be very sure to check any low blinds are pet proof.

[Kate]

Since I just finished 'Bitter is the New Black' and the image of you on your stomach stalking the entry way to your building in an attempt to capture your newspaper "thief" is fresh in my mind, I can't help but wonder if this video surveillance will eventually take the place of VH1 reality tv for you?

Cuz frankly, I'd take real life nosey over Rock of Love Charm School any day!!!

[Nicole]

My sister has a huge house that sounds similar to yours, with all sorts of recessed lights and under-cabinet lights and under-island lights. My brother-in-law finally took a day and made an excel spreadsheet that listed light, location and bulb type, and does monthly walkthroughs to check for blown bulbs. Happy belated birthday, and happy new house.

[sue Treiber]

who the fuck has four thousand dollars for shades?
They must be smoking crack over at Empire.

[Marianne]

Wow - I can't imagine committing to all those blinds at once. Actually I can, did, and am now stuck with ridiculous purple blinds in my son's room until I can bear to part with the $800 to replace them. So, what I think you should try is to get some frosted contact paper and slam it up and then make the expensive window covering decision at your leisure! : )

[Marianne]

Wow - I can't imagine committing to all those blinds at once. Actually I can, did, and am now stuck with ridiculous purple blinds in my son's room until I can bear to part with the $800 to replace them. So, what I think you should try is to get some frosted contact paper and slam it up and then make the expensive window covering decision at your leisure! : )

[Shan from Can(ada)]

Good coping strategies, Jen! Also, how about a lapel pin for your new bathrobe: "If you can read this ... GET A LIFE!"

[Chrissy]

Do you happen to still have a Linens & Things open in Chicago? (there were a few still open when I was just out there a few months ago)...anyway, they are going out of business and have KILLER deals on window coverings, including some kick ass light blocking shades. And I bet if you're buying a shit ton like you need to, they'd be willing to cut you an even further deal.

[Shari]

I got some really nice wood blinds from Costco. Actually I think they are faux wood blinds but they look nice and it was a good price. They will come out to your house and measure and install.

Good luck in your new house. Soon it will be "home". We moved into our big-oh-my-gosh-we-can't-afford-this house 15 years ago. No rats but we did have 5 skunks living under our house. Funny memory now-Not so much back then.

[Kristen]

I also can not stomach the idea of spending money on window coverings. I felt physical pain when I looking into "real" blinds for my house and the number was in the thousands. I have much more interesting plans for those theoretical thousands.

So - two suggestions for you:

1) Paper blinds - at least temporarily - you can get them at Lowe's for under $10 and they stick on like big Post-Its - but look like blinds. I swear some of my neighbors still have them up after 4 years...

2) Cheap vinyl blinds - from Target or K-mart. Plain white doesn't look overly cheesy - and again - under $10 per window.

Good luck!

[Erin]

Just finished your first two books -- my gut still hurts from laughing (WITH you, not AT you). Thanks so much for that.

Thought I would try your web blog. So glad to see I can check in for the laughs to continue.

About the windows -- be careful. While searching for the perfect window treatment in our newly remodeled bathroom, I put up one of those "temporary" Venetian-style blinds. Actually, they're more like gigantic 3M Post-It notes. You just cut them to your window size, peel off the adhesive and smack it on. They actually look acceptable from the outside (if you're at least 25 yards away).

Anyhoo -- it's been three years. I bought the perfect fabric for the window treatment. Just need to learn how to sew. Hmm. On the bright side, those 3M people sure do know how to make good Post-It notes -- that shade is still up!

[Karina in T.O]

Happy belated birthday Jen! Tonight, I shall raise a glass in honour of your big day.

Also? Why would we expect the adventures to end? Its not as if you're not going to encounter a variety of asshats at the drugstore, Target, the hair salon or even the neighbourhood for that matter. Just because you're in a ritzy hood doesn't mean you won't discover any unusual residents, it just means they'll have a different quirk factor. Like hey, does your neighbour have a pool?? Lord knows the action you could see!

And baby? Enjoy all that space, and Brazillian cherrywood....because you're worth it!

[mamaru]

Ain't (pre)homeownership grand? You really should postpone "investment" window coverings until you own that place. Go to Ikea. Or try BB&Beyond - their coupons don't expire no matter what they say so you can save twenty percent on everything you buy if you can collect enuf coupons from friends and family AND the State/Grand store will deliver whatever you buy anywhere in Chicago for a flat fee - used to be $20. Some stores only let you use 3 per purchase - others "overlook" that. Linens and Things no longer takes their 20% off coupons and lots of linens at the one in my hood are only 10% off so cost more than before they were going out of business - what's with that?

[Emily]

Yikes, all those beeps wpuld eventually drive me bat-shit. I am guessing that your fifth book will have a manifesto against noisy appliances!

[Amy]

Oh thank you so much for the great post. I am bored at work and needed something to laugh at! The part about searching for the beeps reminded me of the Friends episode where Phoebe's smoke detector kept going off even after she broke it.
Thanks for all the laughs and happy belated birthday! 41 isn't so bad. I have been that age for exactly 5 months and have lived through it! Although I suddenly feel the need to hold things with small print farther away. That sucks.
Good luck decorating.
Amy

[tiffany]

Try smithnoble.com for blinds. If you sign up on the website they will send/email you coupons - usually buy 2 get 1 free. They have some super cute stuff and depending on what you want they're pretty reasonable.

Or if you want something cheaper, Linens & Things is going out of business so you can probably find some good deals there too.

[Lori]

We're about as close to our neighbors as you are to yours and we DID see them watching porn one night! My husband thought it was hysterical while I was a little weirded out by it...not sure why. We had sheers up in that window and we finally bought new tab-top SOLID curtains (at Ikea) to cover the ginormous window!

[Cathy D.]

IKEA

[Jenno]

Holy cow! I'm afraid of a new car because of all the gadgets and beeps and lights. Now I'm afraid of a new house too. Thankfully you can show the luddites of the world (me, mainly) how all this type of junk works.

[Jill W.]

The new place sounds great.

I used this place for my window coverings when we moved in to our current house. The prices and quality are great and the custom blinds fit perfectly.

http://www.blindsforless.com/Products.aspx

[kalisah]

My birthday is Nov. 5, too.

When I read the part about the r-a-t, I lifted my feet up off the floor. *shivers*

[tutugirl1345]

Congratulations on the new house! I'm sure you're going to have an awesome time setting it all up.

[Princess of the Universe]

The last time I moved, I made sure window coverings were included with the condo. My realtor? Genius.

[Lisa Johnson]

Thank god the chuckles continue!!! You make my day with each post. I know that's pretty heavy for you knowing you keep me mentally balanced. I assure you that having lived in this fish bowl of a house I own that given some time you'll get used to it!