This (As Well As That)

FIRST, THIS

Remember when you were in college and you skipped your international relations class one day because you wanted to work on your tan instead? 

And then you got busy (read: watching Divorce Court) and ended up skipping it again two days later? 

And again after that?  

And then after a week of skipping, you realized how much extra free time you had to tan and watch Divorce Court by not going?

And cutting class became a bad habit? 

And although you quite enjoyed ditching, you technically wanted to attend that class because you liked it, plus you knew you'd mess up your perfect GPA in your major if you lost points for class participation? 

And then you got bronchitis and you couldn't go to class legitimately?

And you went to talk to your professor about your bronchitis and he was all, "Tell me another one, Leatherface McSunburn."

And then you got better and you meant to go but it was 75 degrees and sunny again and all the cute Phi Delts were playing football on the lawn?

And when it finally rained and you got your ass back into your international relations class, everyone was all, "Who are you?" and it was totally awkward and you felt sheepish and you kind of couldn't look anyone in the eye because they knew what you were doing because your tan was ridiculous and, no, you could NOT borrow their notes?

Well, substitute attending class for blogging, doing Christmas-y stuff for tanning, and watching Divorce Court for, um, watching Divorce Court, and you've got a pretty accurate accounting of my last three weeks.

So... I'm back.

Can I borrow your notes?

* * *

AND THEN THAT

As a quick reminder, I'm giving the keynote address at the BlissDom '09 conference this year and HOW COOL IS THAT??

For those of you who have no clue what a BlissDom is, the short answer is it's a blogging conference taking place in Nashville, TN on February 6th and 7th at the Preston Hotel.

The long answer, according to the conference's website: 

BlissDom is YOUR conference.  It was developed for bloggers by bloggers.  Whether you're just getting started or have been blogging for years, there's something for youat BlissDom '09.

We are bringing those bloggers you always wanted to meet and mingle with, right to you, to answer all your burning questions about writing, social media, marketing, and-yes-even book deals.

We've developed sessions for two levels of bloggers - Apprentice and Maven- so each attendee can decide which areas she personally wants to learn about or develop to grow as a blogger. 

In addition to giving the keynote, I'm on the Book Deals panel which is part of the Maven track where I'll be giving all the inside scoop on the business of turning a blog into a book.

Sound like fun?  Then register today for the early bird discount of only $100!

And yes, I will totally be having drinks with everyone there.  (Just so you know.) 

The only downside is I have no idea what to discuss in my speech.  I assume since I'll already be talking about book deal specifics on the panel, I should speak about something a little less esoteric.  

If you have any suggestions for speech topics, don't leave me hanging because I don't want the fine sponsors to have to issue refunds due to my babbling on about why I hate Vicki on The Real Housewives of Orange County.

Of course, if Vicki and Donn break up and end up on Divorce Court, all bets are off.

Comments

[Emily Caswell]

I will so be at BlissDom, can NOT wait to meet you!! Please note my sucking up has already begun xo http://iusedtogetpaidforthis.blogspot.com/2008/12/some-people-do-this-without-having.html

[Michelle Lamar]

I am speaking at Blissdom 09 and I'm so psyched to meet you. Don't worry...I am not a stalker, just a fan. Okay, I am kind of a stalker. Looking forward to it and love the latest book!
See you there!
Michelle Lamar
(aka White Trash Mom)
(aka author of The White Trash Mom Handbook)

[Chris]

You should definitely talk about "Real Housewives of Orange County." What about Tamara being the princess (or queen-in-training) bitch? I mean, sure, Vicki is the queen, but have you seen the latest episodes? Tamara needs to be bitch slapped. As much as I love trashy TV, even I'm starting to throw up in my mouth over this show. However, whatever topic you come up with will be great.... I like the procrastination theme :)

[Heather]

It is with muchos dismay I regret to inform you that two of your would-be BFF's EVER, will not be able to attend your Blissdom Fete...due to the high cost.....Woeful and poor government employee and she is an at-home-slave. Please Please come to Tennessee again for a "free" book signing.....

[Ginny]

You should speak about the benefits vs. pitfalls of writing a blog which eventually becomes very successful. Clearly, there are many benefits, including becoming a best-selling author, but there must be many weirdnesses, as well. It must be surreal at best to be out someplace and have a total stranger recognize and come up to you, thinking she's your best friend who knows your life story, right?

You could also talk about how much of herself a person should actually put out there on her blog and/or in her books. We, your readers, think we know you, but is it really you or is the "Jen Persona" that you have created for our entertainment? Movie stars deal with this all the time in that we recognize their faces and think we know them based on the roles they play, but we don't actually know them at all. You could talk about how much of yourself you choose to reveal and why this choice works for you.

A popular radio personality here in my hometown, who was always particularly forthcoming about her husband, children, dog, etc. (all in a very humorous way), retired a couple of weeks ago. In her final show she talked about how weird it is to be in the grocery store, talking to a cashier, and someone recognizes her voice. She said people come up to her all the time and start talking to her like she's their best friend and they've known each other for years, when in fact she's never seen them in her life. She said it's unsettling, to say the least.

I suspect this is also becoming your reality. Heck, you go out on a book tour and apparently come home with suitcases full of Chardonnay because of a catchy little phrase you made up, when in fact you apparently prefer Sauvignon Blanc. Great topic for your speech! Just stress the comedic aspects of it and all the many GOOD things that have come out of writing your blog and you'll have a wonderful keynote address!

[Tracie]

Don't know if they still do this but, Hotel Preston had pet fish that you could get for your room. It helped keep you from miss your pets at home.

[craigjc]

Love the blog. Love the design. Love it.

http://popwife.blogspot.com/

Come visit, sometime.

[tina]

OK, first off, Housewives is awesome as is Celebrity Rehab (Go Tawny K!) but I digress. I totally dispise Vicki and have even gotten my husband to a) watch it with me weekly and b) hate her too. I too was in full hate mode when Vicki announced that she could not donate blood because she is on Accutane! Doesn't that stuff make you kill yourself?

I am scared that my hate will fuel her suicide attempt so I am changing my focus to that crazy new one - Lynn and her rediculous teenage daughters.

BTW, Donn is a fool for living with her but what about those poor kids - remember last season when she bought the mercedes for her daughter but makes the daughter make the payments!!!???

[Allie Taylor]

Please, please come to DC. I think you'd be hilarious in person (I've just finished reading two of your books). You and I'd get along perfectly. I, like you, heart pearls. The only fit I ever threw was when my mom told me when I was four that I could wear her pearls to church, just "not the real ones." I flatly refused to wear faux (even though I was wearing a faux fur coat...) and finally, after graduating from college got a real set! I wear them every day and would be so especially proud to get to wear them to see/hear you. Fiercely and fabulously yours, Allie Taylor

[Joleine]

I'm so excited you'll be at Blissdom. Once I saw that you're there, I decided I should go. My in laws live an hour from Nashville, so why not right? I'm excited to see you there!

[Alison]

I can't believe that I missed you on Oprah! I don't usually watch her but I check to see who is going to be on and if I had noted that you were going to be on I would have DVRed the show! Boo hoo, that darn work always gets in the way, I could have gone without eating for a few days or at least maybe not have bought that new Yankee Candle fragrance! Hope to see you in New Haven (had to get a plug in there-lots of fabulous restuarants and BARS)

[The Other Jen from Chicago]

In case anyone else needs something to procrastinate with, this is my new therapy: http://www.cutethingsfallingasleep.org/

Now to go to the gym at a weird hour to attempt to avoid all of those ghost members who show up for the first month of the year walking around with their "New Year! New You!" books...I liked the old them better. It was easier to find an available treadmill. (P.S. Since when did it become okay for a 54 year-old in short-shorts ask a girl in her mid 20s for a drink while he's sweating profusely?)

[Kiki]

I skipped Anthropology so many times that I actually managed to forget that I was even enrolled. Imagine my surprise when my grades arrived and I had a big fat I!!! And no, I never did make it up.

[Missy]

Hi Jen, looking forward to meeting you at the conference! Do you think the Hotel Preston serves Banana Daiquiris?!

[diana]

I see no reason not to speak a length about Vicki's awfulness. But she was right about all the animal print dresses.

[Kiki]

Vicki or Jeana? I say Jeana is right and Vicki is pure evil

[Kate from Atlanta burbs]

I think some sort of All I Needed to Know I Learned from Maisy and Loki... Like Rule 1: If you leave your crap around long enough, sooner or later someone will pick it up for you. (Poor Fletch)! Glad to see you are back. My friend Lisa (your separated from birth twin) sent me this link, gave me all your books, and damn her: NOW I'M HOOKED!

[Lisa]

I read all three of your books in a one week span and let me tell you, I have never laughed so hard in my entire life! Dude, my husband thought I was insane. And now that I am finished I am having withdrawals. Sad, isn't it?
You rock!

[Beth]

So I just started blogging a week or two ago and I want to go to this conference sooo badly! Like I know what I'm doing. Anyway, is it in a different city each year or what?

Couldn't possibly help with the subject for your speech, but you could talk about Maisy's bowel habits and it would be hilarious, I'm sure. Don't stress about it too much. Everything that leaves your mouth/fingers is fucking hilarious girl.

[Kellie]

As one of the many unemployed people currently looking for work in this country, I would love to have you revisit the sucky life of the unemployed from "Bitter is the New Black". A little hope is a beautiful thing.

[Vennie]

I just finished reading Bright Lights, Big Ass, and I felt like I was looking at a mirror of myself. I have the same bitchiness and laugh at the world attitude as you do! I love it!

I'm totally going over to your myspace to add you, you ROCK!

Vennie!

[cait]

just finished bright lights, big ass.

I have never laughed so hard at the possibility of someone's hubby going loony (or in your words, "Straight jacket and rubber walls")in the parking lot leaving her single? and having to go back on the market... OMG.

[Meg]

think West Lafayette, 2nd semester, 2 ft of snow on the ground- 7:30 am French Class all the way across campus. Yep- didn't happen. To make matters worse, not only could I not speak french, my instructors couldn't speak english. awesome. I might have shown up 4 times for that class. which probably explains why I ended up taking it 3 times.

Hey, I'm not the one that decided advanced (horrible) french should be at 7:30am 3 times a week. That's asking for skippage. It was too cold and too early for tanning. Besides, that's what those ghetto tanning salons were for.

Of course my dad loves to remind me that with all of the money he spent on my 2 french F's and a C, I could've gotten something really nice- like matching louis vuitton luggage. instead, I was "flushing money down the toilet."

10 years ago and it's still funny for the family to tease me about. 10 years later and still no louis.

[Amy Hughes]

"I want the Power and the Money, and I want them both." NO SHIT VICKI! Dumbest statement ever. When you say you want something AND something else...doesn't that mean YOU WANT THEM BOTH?! It pisses me off almost as bad as when Jeff Probst says he's gonna "tally" the votes! I like Jeff, but Really? Tally them? OR JUST READ THEM OUT LOUD!!! Idiots!
And not to personally attack her but you started this Jen...Vicki, I've got an idea, instead of a yacht how about getting some help with your complexion! again...IDIOTS.

[SaraD]

Personally, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on The Housewives (mostly because I hate Vicki with the fire of a thousand suns).

[Jen]

I totally skipped a psych class one semester once I figured out the professor was just lecturing straight from the book. When I went to take the mid-term, the class had MOVED! To a different building. On the other side of campus. Without leaving a sign behind to inform the "skippers" where they went. I don't remember how I figured out where they went, but I remember taking the test. And then skipping class the rest of the term. I think I got a "B". Go Boilermakers!

[Jen]

Finished Bright Lights, Big Ass today. Hilarious!

Oh, I abhor Vicki! "My husband doesn't fill up my love tank anymore." Um- what? What's a love tank? And how can one tell if one's love tank is at capacity?

How do you feel about Gretchen?

[Kaylyn Lehmann]

Topic for a keynote:
I know the generalities of how you got started because of "Bitter is the New Black". I also remember your posting about "The Secret" when you talked about how hard you worked to make this career happen. So how about talking about your tipping point? What was THE thing that accelerated your success. Keynotes are usually just great stories used to illustrate a point and we know you tell GREAT stories!!

[Emily]

Glad to see you're back to blogging... funny that's what I was just telling my readers.... I have SOOOO been slacking, but hey that's what the holidays are for!

Emily
Blah-Zay
Mama and Huslter???
My Mommy Chronicles

[BedsideTalesMan]

So....I am not the only one who has been thoroughly 'lost' for the entire month of December? Nice to know.

Congrats on the conference...and feel free to shoot me an email on getting a book deal!!!!!

[Tasha W]

Sorry have no ideas for your speach but I just wanted to say that I so hate Vicky too. Can someone really be that annoying?

[AJMick]

Okay, I totally still have dreams that I show up for a class on the day of midterm or final after not attending since the first day and I graduated from college in '96 (shoulda been '94 but had major family crisis). So, yeah, I can totally relate since my first 3 years I was skipping class for stupid things like a nasty hangover or wanting to watch some stupid show I can't even remember today or I really needed a nap!!

Good luck Blissdom - I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead!

[Laura from Columbus]

Thank GOD someone else thinks Vicki is a neurotic "please give me attention" bitch that seriously needs put in her place. I wait with bated breath during each episode just hoping that Jeana finally snaps and kicks the shit out of her! Now that's a show I'd buy tickets to attend. :-)

Oh my, was Christmas less than a week ago? Does stating obvious fact impact the Karmic waves of the universe? If so, I am in trouble.

[Marti Smith]

Dear Jen,

I just posted your blog on my Facebook. You make me laugh! Even though I am a Socialist-nurse-union activist and you are so none of that, we have lot in common. Just not politics.

Anyway, thanks for your books!

Power to the people! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Marti

[allison carr]

have you seen the Hotel Preston's website?? they have a number of "special offers", my favorite being the following:

I Do. I Did. I’m Done.

With nearly 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, the Hotel Preston wants to help make a tough time a bit easier. Begin with overnight accommodations – separate rooms on opposite ends of the hotel, of course, and an added deposit for potential damage, free parking, conference room for mediation and a one hour consultation with a family lawyer. If all efforts have been exhausted, add on the Ooey Gooey package complete with a late check-out for one last good time before bidding ado.

it's the divorce package!

[Missie]

I thought you were bigtime before, but then, I just saw you in the Costco newsletter...and realized just how bigtime you are. Please say you will remember us peons when you are lunching with Trump and Kate Cruise is your new BFF.

[Tian Caplan]

I thought that also worked as excellent explanation for why I end up never going to the damn gym. Seriously. Every sentence. Ugh...

[Ace]

Damn girl, bout time you got back online. Come on now, give us some holiday funnies. I know you got 'em.

[Stephanie]

I totally hate Vicky too--yuuck! She's a hag!

[MZA]

Topics? How about "Trashy Neighbors - dos & don'ts" (ie DON'T throw away your prison correspondence. . . ..)

With all due respect to my fellow Jen-groupies, "how to find your voice" is trite. Done. Over.

Honestly, girl, if you just get up and start talking . . . you'll have everyone at Hello.

[Breanna]

So, I know it is probably not okay to comment here to a post from a month ago but I just know that it will be okay'd because it involves liquor.

MOST AMAZING HOLIDAY DRINK:(note: I like to believe that my husband and I made this up but that might not be the case. If it is not, then screw it - the name kicks ass and I definitely made that up)

The Spider - Hot apple cider mixed with Jameson's whiskey (or any whiskey for that matter).

Make it strong and drink a lot of it in order to block memories of the holidays...

[Poppy Buxom]

You lost me at cutting classes in order to get a tan. I always cut mine because I had a hangover. Or out of the principle of the thing. I made it a point to cut at least one class from every course I took.

As in, sure I'm a student, and sure, this education is costing my family a butt-load of money, and sure, I'd like to get good grades so I can go to graduate school in Chicago (and eventually meet Jen Lancaster and become friends IRL) but I'm not going to be a squid about it.

(I think I messed with the space/time continuum up there, but bear with me.)

And I've already registered for BlisDom09 and reserved my hotel room. YAY!

[jessie]

Vicki sucks, but she beats the hell out of those Atlanta and New York housewives...blech, boooooring!!!

SO glad you're back! I've been obsessively stalking your page and missing your posts!!

[Terri D.]

Talk about Paul Rudd.

If nothing else, the women in the crowd will give you a standing ovation.

[Lisa]

I missed so many philosphy classes (hey it was spring quarter, Love Boat was on at 11, and I had to cross the Oval to get there) that as I sat waiting for the final to begin, I looked around for a familiar face - doubtful though it was I would recognize anyone. But I did notice everyone else was looking at their accounting notes! WTF!! After breaking out in a cold sweat and hypervenitlating - I galloped across campus (looking fine in my day old sweats, I'm sure) and burst in to the philosphy department. After the secretary wiped away her tears from laughing at me (nice!) she (not so) kindly told me it was the next day. I was so thankful that I went out for beer(s) and sailed by with a cool C-!

Enjoyed you on Oprah!

[Jane]

OK, I can't believe that Don has stayed married to Vicki this long...she is freakin' psycho! Funny...but psycho!

[Andrea]

You should totally do your keynote speech on how it is possible to successfully live with someone who has to share every little thing they think of regardless of whether the other person is otherwise occupied, i.e. how Fletch manages to not poison you a little bit every day. The tips would be great for guys like him dealing with girls like us to just accept their fates and adapt.

[Kalisa]

Hi Jen,
I just registered for BlissDom & I'm very excited for the conference & to meet you. My suggestion for your key note address is to talk about finding your own voice. So many of us read so many blogs - great blogs w/ really great writers - and I think it's easy to be influenced by others' writings and we have trouble finding our own voice. You have such a unique voice in your writing, I think it would be really helpful for you to talk about how you developed that.
thanks
Kalisa from Memphis
(I say that like you'll remember me when we meet.)

[Melissa]

1. YOU WERE ON OPRAH AND I MISSED IT??! See? This is why you should never take a break from blogging!! I mean, what is a blog for if not to pimp yourself/your TV appearances on the most famous show in all of television/life??! Sheesh.
2. Duh, you should talk about Paul Rudd. (Swooon.)
3. I'm pretty sure had there been fraternities at my university in Canada, I would not have gone to class either. Ditto for "if it was actually warm enough to tan in Canada" and "if Real Housewives was shown on TV here".
4. Hey, you should totally come do a book signing in Canada! (Cough.)

[Sarah]

This is what I have been doing on MY Christmas Break...

http://prettyontheoutside.typepad.com/gilmore/2008/12/the-real-housew.html

For anyone that watches the real housewives you have GOT to see these sketches of them.

Classic.