Dear Paul Rudd, I Am Only Funny Inside My Own Head

Setting:  The family room, approximately one second after Fletch has come in the door from work this evening.

"Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Guess what?" I exclaim.

Fletch is automatically wary.  "Can I guess after I take my coat off?"

"Um, okay."  I pause for a millisecond before pouncing on him again.  "Guess what?  Guess what?"

His sigh is barely perceptible, yet still surprisingly heavy.  "Do you want me to guess or are you just going to tell me?"

"I'll just tell you.  My friend got a freelance job doing an interview with Paul Rudd!"  (Whom I love SO MUCH.)

"Nice!" 

"Yeah, and instead of doing my own work, I've spent the last hour creating pretend emails that she should send to him, like 'Dear Paul Rudd, As part of my research, my editor requires us to make out.'  And "Dear Paul Rudd, we're going to need an additional photo for your feature.  Might you have any where you're not wearing pants?  (Profile is fine.)'"  And, "Dear Paul Rudd, what exactly are your thoughts about swinging?  You know, hypothetically.'"

Fletch appraises me with a gimlet eye.  "Since when do you write anything even vaguely suggestive?"

"Since never.  But it's so damn funny."

He shakes his head.  "Yeah, not so much."

Well, then, you know what Fletch really isn't going to find funny? 

When I prepare an entire dinner while speaking out loud in imaginary letters to Paul Rudd in lieu of actual conversation.

"Dear Paul Rudd, Stacey and I are getting massages and having high tea tomorrow.  Can I have $200?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, How do I roast a chicken?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Remember the last time I roasted a chicken and I accidentally did it upside down and then I almost felt too sad to eat him once he was cooked because he looked too much like a hostage in that position?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Do you know what happened to the extra bottle of olive oil?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, How come I set the alarm off every morning after Fletch goes to the gym?  Am I punching the numbers in too slowly?  Or too fast?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Can you introduce me to Seth Rogan?  But just as friends, okay?  I find his hair unattractive."

"Dear Paul Rudd, Can you please option one of my books so you can play Fletch, so if we have to make out it won't be cheating because you'll just be getting into character?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, If I were to buy a demi-baguette and accidentally eat it all before you had any, would you also call me The Cookie Monster, only for French bread?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I found the olive oil."

"Dear Paul Rudd, Do you also think I'm passive-aggressive for licking Fletch's wine glass on Thanksgiving because he wasn't being properly sympathetic to how much I was suffering with my cold?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I was not aware I was 'braying like a jackass' every time I say 'Dear Paul Rudd.'"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I promise to stop speaking in imaginary letters if Fletch stops hiding downstairs." 

(Although, honestly, I think it was the lure of a freshly roasted chicken that brought him back from the depths of the basement rather than any false promises on my part.)

Anyway, if you'd like to comment on this entry, it must be in the form of a letter to Paul Rudd.

(P.S.  Dear Paul Rudd, I know.  I know.  And I'm sorry, but I don't actually have a day job that I shouldn't quit.)

 

Comments

[Jen]

Dear Paul Rudd,

You know I love you but there's something I love more - Christmas cookies. Thus I'm closing what have been the funniest entries I've ever read here so we can talk about cookies tomorrow.

XO, Jen

P.S. Melissa? The I love youuuuu followed by awkward? I'm stealing that.

[Jeanette]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Why do they make it so damn difficult to set up parental controls on computers? I had it so effin' f'd up...I blocked MYSELF from Jennsylvania.com... WTF! But all is right with my world...for now...

Dear Paul Rudd,
Why do I always type in broken sentences...endlessly using ellipsis...I think it has something to do with my undiagnosed Adult ADD...I begged my doc to prescribe me the meds...she claims my altered thoughts...forgetfulness...erratic moods are pre-menopause symptoms...not ADD. My friend lost a ton of weight on ADD meds! She won't give me diet pills either...she says I'm not "obese enough"... I told her...give me a week!
So... idk... wait...what?

Dear Paul Rudd,
What's the plural form of ellipsis?

Dear Paul Rudd,
My brain hurts.... Hold me...

[rachel]

Dear Paul Rudd

Lets make babies!!

[Molly]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Could you please tell Katie that yes Jen does read the comments and Dear Paul Rudd, would you also tell her that she is probably having a very hard time reading all of them through her tears of laughter!

Dear Paul Rudd,

Are you connected with anyone to help me recover a password to my e-mail account? I have tried e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.!!!!

[Robin]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you have any idea what sort of crack I was smoking when I agreed to go to a yoga class tonight? I can barely lift my butt up off the couch much less put my legs behind my head.

Dear Paul Rudd,

While we're on the subject, who named that pose "Happy Baby?" Though I understand it's also called "Dead Bug," which is really a more appropriate name. They could also call it "NO F'ING WAY" pose because....dude.

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you think you can come by and help me up off the floor?

[Deena]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Are you a dog person b/c I am and we can not have a meaningful relationship if you aren't...we can have sex definitely, it will just not be meaningful.

Dear Paul Rudd,

Why does my dog refuse to go outside to do his business(#2) if it is raining? He will go out to pee but not the other. He then waits until I leave the house and does it on my carpet. It is not an "accident", it is a "purpose". Will that interfere with our relationship?

[Katie]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Does Jen even read these comments?

[Alexis]

From you, not me:

"Dear Paul Rudd,

Having a great time on my book tour! Nobody expected it, but here I am in beautiful Wilmington, North Carolina, home of 'One Tree Hill' and the North Carolina Azalea Festival. Wish you were here!"

He might would take out a protective order against you. (I realize "might would" ain't a real phrase - it's a colloquialism...sheesh!)

[Missie]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I read this post yesterday and laughed out loud. Last night at dinner with my family at a Chinese restaurant, I thought of it again and almost choked on my greasy Lo Mein noodles. My family thought I was crazy because usually, Lo Mein noodles are not funny.

Dear Paul Rudd,

Why is it my three year old daughter refers to going number two on the potty as "doing a Big Stink"? Just wondering if you knew.

[Terri (diet dramatic)]

Too funny! I went through a period in college where my friends and I would speak in letters.

"Dear Vanessa, can we watch Billy Madison again? Love, Terri"

"Dear Terri, get off your lazy ass and put the movie in, please. Love, Vanessa"

It was obnoxious and wonderful. Just like most of my college memories.

[Jeanette]

Dear Paul Rudd,
There is a new "totally looks like" of you.

http://totallylookslike.com/

The poster must have meant that Stephan Jenkins tooooootally looks like a less hot, ugly, greasy-dirty distant cousin, twice removed, version of you!

Pffft!

Muah,
Jeanette

[Cindee]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I am pretty certain the only reason I am writing to you is because I've been watching Mighty Machines with my 2 year old son over and over and over again. Mr. Rudd do you think that they're trying to send some sort of message to the parents when they say "Let me get into position, and unload in your wagon?" I'm not sure, but everytime I hear it over and over again, it makes me giggle like a naughty school girl, and now Im think this is some pervision show that I am allowing my kid to watch. What do you think Paul?

Cindee
ps...any good ideas for a good spagetti sauce Mr Rudd?
pss...What do you ever think became of Kristy Ally after Jenny?

[Kim]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Just yesterday I was snowblowing (not a euphemism) and thinking about you. Do you love "Everybody Loves Raymond" and demand that Judd Apatow allow you to declare said love in order for you to appear in his movies? If so, I fear this will cause a bit of a bump in our relationship, as I do not, in fact, love Raymond.

Dear Paul Rudd,
I think I could get over the Raymond thing because I just re-watched "Romeo & Juliet" a few days ago and laughed my chardonnay soaked ass off when you gave Claire Danes the thumbs up in your astronaut costume.

Dear Paul Rudd,
Do you still have the astronaut costume? I think there's a dirty joke in there somewhere about discovering planets and planting flags and such, but I'm just too exhausted to make the jump. Please feel free to do it for me.

[Sarah]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Why is it that whenever you take your dogs to the vet, they fart in the tiny little office right before the vet comes in? Which leaves you hoping the vet doesn't think it is you? To the point that you feel the need to say, "Sorry about the smell - they are nervous." Then you get all paranoid that the vet will think you made that up and blamed your own stinker on your pups.

P.S. Time to cut down on the bully sticks.

[Kimberley]

Would that by chance be a "jam" sandwich???
If only....!

[Deena]

Dear Paul Rudd,

If we were to meet, and by meet I mean have carnal relations, would you be offended if I sold the story to the National Enquirer? Also my friend Kim says that you are a Deena/Kim sandwich waiting to happen.

[Erin]

Dear Paul Rudd,

How do you manage to look EXACTLY the same now as you did when you were in Clueless? Seriously, that was 13 years ago. You and Donald Faison clearly took some sort of potion.

Also, please be shirtless more.

Thank you,
Erin

[Shannon]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I agree with Becky about you drawing the short straw for the "SNL" Beyonce/Single Ladies skit. That would have been scrumptdiddlylicous if you, Andy Sandberg, and JT would have been in tights. Let that other guy be the director. But, I did enjoy the skit you did with Andy painting. You naked = goodness!

[Manic Mommy]

Dear Paul Rudd, do you think you'll be bored one night and Google yourself and discover that Jen has an amazing crush on you, and how come Allison Winn Scotch gets to interview you and not me, but that's really OK because, Dear Paul Rudd, I don't really want to interview you, but do you have any connections with Vince Vaughn? Because maybe Jen could go out with you and then Vince and I could double-date because I am taller than Jen, and I think I am probably taller than you are too, and I dig my men taller, and even though my husband is very tall, and hairy, and you are hairy too, because I saw you in that movie Role Models, and by the way, that little boy did a lot of swearing in that movie, and what was THAT like having such a little kid drop the F bomb so often, but anyway, you're hairy and my husband is hairy, but I don't think Vince is as hairy as you are, so how about you and Jen go out, and Vince and I can go out? Would that be OK Dear Paul Rudd? And then Allison can come with and write about our hot double date, but she would not be a fifth wheel because we would let her bring ... STEVE CARREL because I know she LOVES him, so let's make it a party, OK!? Thanks Paul, Love, Manic Mommy.

[Terry]

Dear Paul Rudd,
You have a cute snarkiness that made me a big fan of "Forty-Year-Old Virgin."
(This bit can never become annoying, but more hilarious with every read.)
Love and Kisses

[Becky]

Dear Paul Rudd -

You left your jacket at my house yesterday. ;-)

Will you please come take me out for lunch today? I can't stand to spend the ENTIRE day in the office.

Love you!
Becky

[Erin]

PS -- Did you draw the short straw on SNL for the Beyonce skit? Because I really wanted to see you AND JT in leotards and heels. You were still fab, though.

Kisses,
~E

[Erin]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Can you please come to my office and explain to the New Girl that she is a thermostat Nazi and should stop trying to turn the office into a meat locker?

Were you able to hear the conversation I had with my co-workers last week about how hunky you are? Because it was a good one that I'm sure would have made you blush.

When I called my HOA last week to give them hell for a late fee on a payment that wasn't late, the woman advised that there is a holiday at the end of this month and should mail in my payment sooner. Holiday in December? What am I missing?

Also, can you please tell my cat that she doesn't need to pee on things througout the house (clothes, couch, etc.)? She has two perfectly good litter boxes for that purpose.

Finally, can you please hire me as your new Goodwill Ambassador? You are far too talented and funny not to be better known. I would fix that.

Love you lots!
~E

[Lindsay]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I am so happy Jenn H. posted the link to that "The Daily Show" clip. It's like the funniest thing I've seen all week.

I may love you even more now.

[Sweet Herald]

Dear Paul Rudd:

This blog was in my dream last night. And I was talking to my mother and five year old son in "Dear Paul Rudd" speak, who both deemed me insane.
Then I woke up.

[melissa]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Hi, how are you? It's me, Melissa, writing again. I forgot to tell you yesterday about this fun new thing I am doing at work! There's a giant potted palm in front of my desk and I decided that instead of decorating it with ornaments and lights for Christmas, I would decorate it with hunks (after all, nothing says "hey it's Jesus' birthday!" quite like a picture of a half-naked Daniel Craig...). It's called the hunk tree, and so far it's been a big hit with all the ladies (and some of the men) at the office.

So I thought I'd send you a little note and let you know that you were today's Official Hunk. You've joined the ranks with such hunks as Sean Connery, Steve Martin (what? he's a hunk!), Jason Bateman, and Jesus (obviously).

I hope you enjoy this honour as much as I enjoyed bestowing it upon you.

Best,
Melissa

PS I love youuuuuuuuuuu.
PPS Awkward.

[Jen]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I love the way you dance!
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=209424
Jenn H.

Dear Paul Rudd,
Can you teach me those moves??

In Bed ;)

Jenn H.

[Sue :)]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I think "Former Fan" is a toolbox. I'm sure you'd agree.

And I love you.

[Stacey]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Could you please ask Paulette to click her "unfunny" ass elsewhere! Thanks!

Kisses,
Stacey

[MissusB]

Dear Paul Rudd:

Can you come to my house for Christmas and bring Jen and Fletch? We could play charades and make up a new drinking game while watching Clueless. Maybe Jen will cook us something for dinner. It will be bitchin!

--Love MissusB

[ARNH12]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Don't you find it complicated deciphering between Jefferson Airplane and Jefferson Starship - especially when all you want to do is jam to "We built this City"?

Dear Paul Rudd,

I really, and I mean REALLY, hate it when colleagues end emails by saying they "need this info by EOB" (end of business)... I'm thinking for adding "KMFA" to my email signature...thoughts?

Dear Paul Rudd,

What part of the business casual dress code dictates that stretch pants and snow boots are acceptable office attire? If I have to get dressed every morning I think everyone else should as well. Damn office ninjas.

Dear Paul Rudd,

Are we besties yet? Ok, good.

Best,

Anthony

[Amber]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Have you heard of the term friends with benefits? Call me!

Your friend
Amber

[Marinka]

Dear Paul Rudd:

I'd get a new email account if I were you.

You're welcome!

Marinka

[Jessie]

Dear Paul Rudd:

I have now said "Paul Rudd" in my head too many times and it sounds funny.

[Robin]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Since I already have a pretend TV boyfriend (Jon Stewart), will you be my pretend movie boyfriend?

Or you could just come to my house in jeans to bend over and move boxes around while I sit on the couch, drinking wine and admiring your hot ass.

Love,
Robin

[Ginny]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you agree that Jessica Simpson and Naughty Monkey are designing some of the hottest pumps on the market right now???

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you think maybe I use the word "hot" too much. Please remind me to search out a less vapidly Paris Hilton-sounding adjective to describe people and things which I find to be deliciously eye-candy-like.

Dear Paul Rudd,

Speaking of Paris Hilton, do you think her new "BFF" will ever hear from her again now that the show has ended??

Dear Paul Rudd,

Thank God I have a 13 year old daughter to watch TV and keep me posted on happenings in pop culture. I spend all my spare time checking Jennsylvania approximately 60-billion times a day to see if she's written a new post.

Dear Paul Rudd,

While I am searching for a new adjective, please remind me to also search for A LIFE!!!

[Missy]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Every time I hear your name, I jizz in my pants.

Love always,
Missy

[Rhonda]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Wow?1? There are Vick's scented tissues? How ingenious!!!!!

[Smartass Milf]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Why am I still sick? I have had this head cold for a week now and it won't go away. I am sick of not being able to smell anything, especially since I have all my wonderful candles burning when I get home. My man tells me how good everything smells, yet I can not enjoy this. I think it would help if you came over to my place, made me laugh, then did really inappropriate things to me. I really think my head cold would hit the road after that.

Peace out,
Smartass Milf

[kristin]

dear paul rudd,

on the way to work this morning i saw a car dressed as rudolph. seriously?! antlers and a red nose...on a sports car. this concerns me greatly. while i was amused, i feel that perhaps we should investigate people's mental state before giving them license to drive. just a thought.

love you so much!
kristin

p.s. jen while i'm not a resident of illinois, i totally think you should consider running for governor. for fuck sake fran 'the nanny' wants a senate seat. you are way more qualified than her :)

[Emily]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Will you join me in supporting Jen as she expands her fan base out from Jennsylvania in order to become the new governor of Illinois?
(C'mon, Jen, you know you would be fantastic for the job!)

[Heather]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Can you please ask Paulette why she's reading this blog if the author is so unfunny?

[Heather]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Can you please tell Former Fan that while bitter may be the new black, it is clearly a color that is not good on her? And can you also please let Jen know that we love her crazy stories because they bring a giggle to an otherwise gray, dull, winter day? And that we are TOTALLY waiting for Pretty in Plaid?

Fan base...present and accounted for!

[Carcar]

Dearest Paul Rudd,
I'm certain you read posts by FormerFan/Sue and giggled hysterically while rolling your eyes and saying, "That broad's a slut bus."
That's what I did, anyway, and I just know that if our hearts our so well-aligned, our brains must be, too.
Also, please send Jen your regrets when acknowledging that she is, in fact, married to a lovely man while some of us out here are funny and, well, single. Feel free to make out with her, of course, for that my heart will not break.
Oh, and Paul, yes, I do support you in calling FormerFan/Sue a "ho-train" rather than slut bus, considering she has her head up her caboose.

Til next time, my dear.
CarCar

[Nina]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I think Debbye is a genius for submitting your name in place of "in bed" for the fortune cookie game. I however, will take it to the next step. The fortune cookie game will now be "in bed, with paul rudd."

Respectfully,
Nina

[Jennifer]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I have loved you since I first saw you in "Clueless". My love became deep and eternal when you married Phoebe on "Friends". And you make me piss my pants laughing in all those Judd Apatow movies. Come to Boston and marry me.

Love always,
Jennifer

P.S. On your way to Boston, pick up Jen Lancaster and bring her to another fun book signing because she is another person who makes me piss my pants laughing. Feel free to innocently flirt with her on the plane but do remember that your heart and your fine, fine ass belong to me, sweetheart.

[Lisa]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I think it is totally fine that I called my client a douche bag today. Honesty is good, right?

[debbye]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Can you ever convince Jen to forgive me for not only not writing a letter to you, but being grammatically stupid when I did comment? If anyone can do it you can! All you have to do is tilt your head, give that little pursing smile and say, "Come on!"

[Becky]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I can't believe that anyone loves you as much as I do. I should have known that Jen Lancaster who will hopefully be showing up in Phoenix for her book tour would have such fabo taste. Love you forever Paul.

--Becky

[Justice]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you know where the toenail clippers are?