Dear Paul Rudd, I Am Only Funny Inside My Own Head

Setting:  The family room, approximately one second after Fletch has come in the door from work this evening.

"Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Guess what?" I exclaim.

Fletch is automatically wary.  "Can I guess after I take my coat off?"

"Um, okay."  I pause for a millisecond before pouncing on him again.  "Guess what?  Guess what?"

His sigh is barely perceptible, yet still surprisingly heavy.  "Do you want me to guess or are you just going to tell me?"

"I'll just tell you.  My friend got a freelance job doing an interview with Paul Rudd!"  (Whom I love SO MUCH.)

"Nice!" 

"Yeah, and instead of doing my own work, I've spent the last hour creating pretend emails that she should send to him, like 'Dear Paul Rudd, As part of my research, my editor requires us to make out.'  And "Dear Paul Rudd, we're going to need an additional photo for your feature.  Might you have any where you're not wearing pants?  (Profile is fine.)'"  And, "Dear Paul Rudd, what exactly are your thoughts about swinging?  You know, hypothetically.'"

Fletch appraises me with a gimlet eye.  "Since when do you write anything even vaguely suggestive?"

"Since never.  But it's so damn funny."

He shakes his head.  "Yeah, not so much."

Well, then, you know what Fletch really isn't going to find funny? 

When I prepare an entire dinner while speaking out loud in imaginary letters to Paul Rudd in lieu of actual conversation.

"Dear Paul Rudd, Stacey and I are getting massages and having high tea tomorrow.  Can I have $200?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, How do I roast a chicken?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Remember the last time I roasted a chicken and I accidentally did it upside down and then I almost felt too sad to eat him once he was cooked because he looked too much like a hostage in that position?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Do you know what happened to the extra bottle of olive oil?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, How come I set the alarm off every morning after Fletch goes to the gym?  Am I punching the numbers in too slowly?  Or too fast?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Can you introduce me to Seth Rogan?  But just as friends, okay?  I find his hair unattractive."

"Dear Paul Rudd, Can you please option one of my books so you can play Fletch, so if we have to make out it won't be cheating because you'll just be getting into character?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, If I were to buy a demi-baguette and accidentally eat it all before you had any, would you also call me The Cookie Monster, only for French bread?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I found the olive oil."

"Dear Paul Rudd, Do you also think I'm passive-aggressive for licking Fletch's wine glass on Thanksgiving because he wasn't being properly sympathetic to how much I was suffering with my cold?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I was not aware I was 'braying like a jackass' every time I say 'Dear Paul Rudd.'"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I promise to stop speaking in imaginary letters if Fletch stops hiding downstairs." 

(Although, honestly, I think it was the lure of a freshly roasted chicken that brought him back from the depths of the basement rather than any false promises on my part.)

Anyway, if you'd like to comment on this entry, it must be in the form of a letter to Paul Rudd.

(P.S.  Dear Paul Rudd, I know.  I know.  And I'm sorry, but I don't actually have a day job that I shouldn't quit.)

 

Comments

[Jess]

Dear Paul Rudd -

If we were married, would I have to cook every night or could you every once and a while whip up some mac and cheese? I bet you would make a mean Paula Dean like mac and cheese.

Just asking.

Love,

Jess

[TheBabblingHousewife]

Hey...if you Google his name...and then click on "images" at the top....the first one that pops up his him lounging in a bed with a sheet covering mr. willie.

http://bestof.provocateuse.com/show/paul_rudd

...sorry, though...Colin Firth is better.

[Tara Murray]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Jen is a fucking psycho, but in a nice stalker-ish kind of way. I'm just saying, if you are having a drink with her, take it to the bathroom with you. I would hate to see you tied up in her basement with her dogs.

[Jeanette]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Did you know that when you type "Paul Rudd needs" on Google, the second link says "Paul Rudd needs to play an action hero."

What's the first link you say? "Paul Rudd needs to fire his agent!"

Coinkadink? I think not!

Could you get to work on this please?

kthanksmuch... Jeanette

PS... you, shirtless, sweaty...saving the world from all that is evil? Oh! My! Gawd!

[Michelle]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Knock Kevin Bacon off his throne, already. I hear a pop culture phenom party game calling thy name.

Respectfully submitted,
Michelle

[Ginny]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Would you please tell "B" that her comment caused me to snort with laughter? Burn it out with battery acid and a hose! HA!!!

[Texie]

Dear Paul Rudd,

My cat keeps staring into the corner of the ceiling, but there's nothing there. It's freaking me out. Do you think she really sees a ghost or she just gaslighting me? I think she's pissed and trying something else 'cause I didn't get mad at her comment on my blog. It just said "Meow meow meow meow MEEEEOOOOWWWWRRR" and I thought, if that's the best she can do, I am not impressed. But that is pretty good typing for someone with no opposable thumbs, I giver her credit for that.

[Lorraine]

Dear Paul Rudd,
The next time you see Jen please give her a great big hug, and a kiss for all of the "funny" that she brings into our lives. I promise that Fletch won't get angry since you're just passing along a message.
Can you do me a huge favor? The next time you see Sue or her evil twin Paulette, please give her a quarter, and tell her to buy some manners. She's really rude don't you think?

[Mirinda]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you think Paulette has PMS? Or too much time on her hands? And Paul, you are still freaking hot.

[Tracy]

Dear Paul Rudd,
If you could be a number, any number ... what would it be? And how 'bout a car... what car would you be? What color?

Why would you wanna be that color? Why do you wanna be a car, having problems are you? I know this girl (or rather.. I read this girl Jen) who might have a cure for you...

[Ginny]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I read Jen's post, then was reading through all the comments, all the while thinking -- Who the hell is Paul Rudd?. Then I got to Terri D.'s photo link and thought -- Hey! He's (apparently) a very hot naked guy -- why not take a peek??

Dear Paul Rudd,

Holy crap! THAT's you??? I have been watching the entire Friends series, from start to finish, and am on Season 9. I have been most interested in Phoebe's hot, HOT boyfriend but never took the time to watch the credits!!! You are hotness incarnate and now I thoroughly understand Jen's slight obsession.

Dear Paul Rudd,

Can you please tell "Former Fan" that Jen's life story is a constantly unfolding inspiration to those of us who are still "struggling"? She has not only delivered to us three screamingly funny books, with a fourth on the way, but through this blog has also laid her life bare for the amusement of her fans. She more than deserves every luxury she has earned and just because she finds the funny in just about every single thing doesn't mean she's not busting her ass all day every day.

Dear Paul Rudd,

You totally should show up for massages and high tea with Jen and Stacey!!! Maybe Jen has cleared all the table porn off her camera by now and could fit in a few shots with you!

Dear Paul Rudd,

Can you please make my dumbass boss sign his letters? He has a pile of them dating back to November 12 and won't sign them. Long story. I'm going to have to redo all of them because the dates are too old. This is an ongoing problem. I hate him.

Warmest personal regards,

Ginny ... who will now and forever more know and remember the name which goes with that sweet yet rugged face and that deliciously toussled hair. You are too yummy for words!!!

[Jen]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Paulette - and by "Paulette" I mean "Former Fan" and by "Former Fan", I mean Sue - has now been banned from commenting on both her work and home computers.

Seriously, lady, you don't have to like me. But you also don't have to read me.

For the rest of you, feel free to proceed with the funny. You're killing me!

[Lisa]

Dear Paul Rudd:

Does it mean that I am a) old; b) dorky or c) out of touch with pop culture that I had to google you to figure out what this post was about?

Sincerely,
Sad in St Augustine

[Kate]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I suspect my cat likes my boyfriend better than me, even though I feed him every morning (the cat, not the boy). Please tell me how to proceed.

[Texie]

Dear Paul Rudd,

My cat has a grudge against me too now that I posted about her on the internet, so we're twinkies. I think she is going to write comments that are supposed to be mean on my blog now.

[Aprylsantics]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I would like you on a platter with drawn butter.

Sounds yummy, doesn't it?

Love,
Apryl

PS. Not with fava beans and chianti. That's not what I meant at all.

[Karen]

Sorry but I have to do this ...........

DEAR PAULETTE,

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO POST A MEAN COMMENT TO JEN? WE COME HERE TO LAUGH AND THEN ARE SUBJECTED TO YOUR IDIOTIC COMMENT TO HER. IF YOU DON'T FIND HER FUNNY THEN DELETE THE LINK.

MERRY CHRISTMAS JACKASS~

[B]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I agree with you, Paulette does indeed seem to have a bug up her ass. We could burn the critter out of there if you wouldn't mind handing me that hose over there and that bottle of battery acid. Now stand back...

[Colleen]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Can you please tell me why when I am sick my husband expects me to do all of the stuff I usually do including 95% of all childcare issues for our three children under 6 and work 30 hours a week and when he is sick he retires to his room and expects to be waited on hand and foot?
Awaiting a quick reply,
Colleen

[Jen Vegas]

Dear Paul Rudd,

All I want for Christmas is you.

Another Jen In Chicago
And yes, I would elect you as our new govenor.

[Arwen Renee]

Dear Paul Rudd-

The following things, and similar treats, are overheard in my office:

"It's hard not to giggle when you're hanging Jesus on the cross."

"I don't like eating crunchy foods. I can't hear."

"Why the fuck is there an eyeball on my ceiling?!!?

"I really don't like bugs, but I DRAW THE LINE at insects."

"WOW. I'm not as lame as I thought I was."

"Getting rammed in the ass is not cheating, if you didn't know it was coming."

Please get me some earmuffs for xmas. They might need to be red, because of all the bleeding.

Or at least let me inside your bananahammock, Mr. Bag.

xo
Arwen

[Paulette]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Don't you feel sad to be the subject of such an unfunny post by such an unfunny writer who tries so desperately hard to seem like she isn't trying that hard? I thought so.

[Momo Fali]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Can you believe that Jen has all the same letters that I have sent to Mark Wahlberg? Do you think she is hanging out with him and stealing my letters, or do you think it just boils down to a coincidental loss of TWO bottles of olive oil?

Momo

[Erin E Attitude]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Have you ever noticed how Michael McDonald ruins a significant number of really good Doobie Brother, Steely Dan and Kenny Loggins tunes? He is clearly not a "team singer" so why have him singing backup???Honestly, listen to Steely Dan's "Peg" and tell me that you don't want to break glassware and then chew on the shards every time the chorus comes around. AAAAGGHHH!

Thanks for listening!

E

[Lisa]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I love you too. Do you think that you would like to marry me in the snow.

[Flippr]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I visited Santa at the mall yesterday and you were at the top of my list.
After I whispered what I wanted to do with you, Santa's north pole was quite evident.

Naughty girls need presents too, ya know *-)

[kylie]

Dear Paul Rudd,
You are my favorite jew.
Except for maybe Jon Stewart...you are taller than him though. Will you do my project on the Industrial Revolution for me? Thanks.

[Andrea]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I bought too many cans of cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving and feel like I have to eat it with every meal now.

I love you,

Andrea

[Sally]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Did you know that if you google "Dear Paul Rudd," this is the first site that comes up? Interestingly, a blog named "Dear Famous Asshole" is number 2. In respect to you, I am not clicking on it.

Sincerely,
Wating time until it's 5pm.

[Jen]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Just ran into most of the New York Knicks leaving the Peninsula Hotel. Dude... I never realized I was short. Why didn't you tell me?

[Beth]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Please remind me in a firm manner that I need to get off the internet and onto the elliptical! Also - I wouldn't be opposed if you threatened me with a spanking!

Love you,
Beth

[Kerry]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Should I feel guilty that I spend more time surfing the internet at work than I do actually doing work? Feel free to lie in your answer.

Happy Holidays,

Kerry

[Katie]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Will you be our governor?

[jenn]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I will make you my famous Butter Pecan Cake if you will do anything I tell you to for 24 hours. Tomorrow works for me. Please wear a bow tie and a smile.

Sincerely,
Jenn

[Jilly]

Dear Paul Rudd,

What is all this talk of Former Fan? I see nothing...was it deleted? FF must have been a massive jerk of epic proportions.

Anyway, Paul, I digress. My point in writing was to ask of you could maybe see fit to dress up in a dirty Santa suit and drop into my chimney. I've promised all my other friends who find you as adorable and funny as I do.

Thanks, Paul Rudd,
Jilly

P.S.
Am I the only one who died a little inside for Jennifer Aniston in The Object Of My Affection? She still got to make out with you though. I hate her for that.

[Marisa]

Dear Paul Rudd:

Put on your Kiss vest, come on over and show me your Love Gun.

[FancyPants]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you think we could take all the entries from this page and make you the next Chuck Norris?

I think not.

But it would be fun to try.

[Chrissy]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Thanks for all the good times. Even if they were only imaginary. Oops.

[Robyn]

Dear Paul Rudd,
One time I was hanging out with my friends and we were talking about our favorite movie actors, and one girl was like, "Mark Ruffalo!" and I was all, I can see that. And one girl was like, "Will Smith!" and I was all, eh. And one girl was like, "Kevin Costner!" and I was like, oh hell no. And I was like, "Paul Rudd!" and then there was world peace.

[Debbye]

I had do the Fortune Cookie game using "with Paul Rudd" instead of "In Bed".

Ex: "Soon you will go on a long trip...with Paul Rudd".

P.S. I have a picture of Paul Rudd without pants.

[Maureen]

Dear Paul Rudd:

I politetly disagree with your assessment in The 40 Year Old Virgin. Fran Drescher is NOT less annoying than Michael McDonald's Yah Mo B There.

Also? Please make me a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread.

P.S. Have your Google alerts exploded yet?

[Cara]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I wish that you would come over and do my laundry. Cause that shit's not doing itself. I love you.

[Lola]

Dear Paul Rudd;

How come Hollywood does not give me more chances to see you ? Do they not get how adorable you are??

PS I will totally be in the audience of the infomercial that you do for the face cream/religion/exercise regime that is keeping you looking so young!

[Kel]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Can I please be your Princess Banana Hammock?

[Beth]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Due to the restraining order I'm probably not supposed to address you in writing either, but since I'm actually on Jen's blog, I think it's technically ok. Please, Paul Rudd, please call me. I just want one more chance. I can make you believe that no one can love you like I do. I'll leave my new number in your mailbox.

Goodbye for now Paul Rudd.

[tracee]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you wear Sex Panther in real life? Did you know it's made of bits of real panther. 65% of the time it works every time.

Love,
Tracee

[tracee]

Dear Paul Rudd:

I bet that you know how to undo a multiple hook, front closure bra. Wanna prove it to me?

And since Jen is married, and has to wait until you star in her movie as Fletch, I am single and free to make out with you at any time. I just thought you'd want to know that.

What should I have for dinner tonight?

All the best,
Tracee

[Lindsay]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Does no one else remember you in "Romeo + Juliet?" You were totally adorable as the guy Juliet rejected for Romeo (and if you ask me, she got what was coming to her!)

[Somedayme2]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Thank you for having the wisdom to star in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. Makes my husband's Halloween marathons bareable when I know I will be seeing you at some point.

[Sarah]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I don't like you anymore, you taste like a burger.
JK, I'll see you in macrame.
-Sarah