Dear Paul Rudd, I Am Only Funny Inside My Own Head

Setting:  The family room, approximately one second after Fletch has come in the door from work this evening.

"Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Guess what?" I exclaim.

Fletch is automatically wary.  "Can I guess after I take my coat off?"

"Um, okay."  I pause for a millisecond before pouncing on him again.  "Guess what?  Guess what?"

His sigh is barely perceptible, yet still surprisingly heavy.  "Do you want me to guess or are you just going to tell me?"

"I'll just tell you.  My friend got a freelance job doing an interview with Paul Rudd!"  (Whom I love SO MUCH.)

"Nice!" 

"Yeah, and instead of doing my own work, I've spent the last hour creating pretend emails that she should send to him, like 'Dear Paul Rudd, As part of my research, my editor requires us to make out.'  And "Dear Paul Rudd, we're going to need an additional photo for your feature.  Might you have any where you're not wearing pants?  (Profile is fine.)'"  And, "Dear Paul Rudd, what exactly are your thoughts about swinging?  You know, hypothetically.'"

Fletch appraises me with a gimlet eye.  "Since when do you write anything even vaguely suggestive?"

"Since never.  But it's so damn funny."

He shakes his head.  "Yeah, not so much."

Well, then, you know what Fletch really isn't going to find funny? 

When I prepare an entire dinner while speaking out loud in imaginary letters to Paul Rudd in lieu of actual conversation.

"Dear Paul Rudd, Stacey and I are getting massages and having high tea tomorrow.  Can I have $200?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, How do I roast a chicken?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Remember the last time I roasted a chicken and I accidentally did it upside down and then I almost felt too sad to eat him once he was cooked because he looked too much like a hostage in that position?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Do you know what happened to the extra bottle of olive oil?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, How come I set the alarm off every morning after Fletch goes to the gym?  Am I punching the numbers in too slowly?  Or too fast?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Can you introduce me to Seth Rogan?  But just as friends, okay?  I find his hair unattractive."

"Dear Paul Rudd, Can you please option one of my books so you can play Fletch, so if we have to make out it won't be cheating because you'll just be getting into character?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, If I were to buy a demi-baguette and accidentally eat it all before you had any, would you also call me The Cookie Monster, only for French bread?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I found the olive oil."

"Dear Paul Rudd, Do you also think I'm passive-aggressive for licking Fletch's wine glass on Thanksgiving because he wasn't being properly sympathetic to how much I was suffering with my cold?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I was not aware I was 'braying like a jackass' every time I say 'Dear Paul Rudd.'"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I promise to stop speaking in imaginary letters if Fletch stops hiding downstairs." 

(Although, honestly, I think it was the lure of a freshly roasted chicken that brought him back from the depths of the basement rather than any false promises on my part.)

Anyway, if you'd like to comment on this entry, it must be in the form of a letter to Paul Rudd.

(P.S.  Dear Paul Rudd, I know.  I know.  And I'm sorry, but I don't actually have a day job that I shouldn't quit.)

 

Comments

[Pamela]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you remember when you fell in love with your sort of ex-step-sister? I loved you with or without sort of incestuous feelings.

[Jen]

Dear Paul Rudd'
Can you drop by my place and make me forget the chores, meals and carpooling for about 2 hours? You can do whatever you think will make my brain and body turn to mush!

<3
Jen H.

[Jennifer]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I can't decide if I should go finish my Christmas shopping today. It's raining out and it'll probably start to snow before I get home and everyone drives like the rain has drowned their one brain cell...
What do you think?

[Phyllis]

Dear Mike Rudd,
I've been trying to figure out who the h*ll you are, and someone should have said, "he was the guy that Phoebe married on Friends", and I would have known.

[Sweet Herald]

Dear Paul Rudd:

(o)(o)

[Tammy]

Dear Paul Rudd,
How do you feel about grown (42yrs. old to be exact) men who break up with their girlfriends via email? I bet you wouldn't break my heart in such a cowardly manner.

Regards,
Tammy

[Yajaira]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Your eyes. Your smile. SIGH!

(Un)Shamefully yours,
Yajaira

[Bonnie]

Dear Paul Rudd:
Just who the hell are you?

[Chunky A]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Thank you for the enclosed link: http://bestof.provocateuse.com/show/paul_rudd

Thank you for submitting your idea's for Jen's birtday presents.
Unfortunetly I think her husband would be reject the idea. We will have to plan it for mine instead. :)

Ps-I will thank Jenn for the new love of my life!!

[Erin]

Dear Paul Rudd,
My sciatica is flaring up today. I will let you rub my back and won't bat an eyelash when your hand accidentally starts rubbing my front.

Dear Paul Rudd,
Jen and Fletch need a new governor, and I'm pretty sure she could do her darndest to get you in there, along with her rabid fans, including myself. Me, I'm trying to get Paula Deen elected governor of Georgia. She's running on the butter platform.

[jennifer z.]

Dear Paul Rudd:

Can you tell how old I am if I say that I've crushed on you since I first saw you as Ashley Judd's character's boyfriend (then husband?) on the TV show "Sisters"? And you haven't aged a bit since then.

Dear Paul Rudd,

Why don't you and Jen organize a fundraiser for pit bull rescue... $10 from every lady who has asked if they could make out with you? The catch would be that you'd actually have to make out with all of them.

Sincerely yours,
Jennifer Z.

[Eris]

Dear Paul Rudd

When I was a sophmore in highschool (circa Clueless era) my friends broke into my locker and decorated it with pictures of you cut from teen magazines and surrounded by glittery construction paper hearts and ever since then I can't think of you without smiling. You are so cute.

Dear Paul Rudd

The photog who took the pics of you wearing just a sheet and a smile? Just made my 14 year old locker decorated self feel a little funny in her no no bits

Dear Paul Rudd

I really, really, really hope that this becomes a pop culture sensation because I don't know about you but I plan to talk this way ALL. DAY. LONG. And maybe in all my emails too.

Dear Paul Rudd

Dear Paul Rudd

Dear Paul Rudd

[Felicia]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Do you love me?
Check:
Yes ___

No ___

Maybe ___

Bonus question: Make-out with me?

Yours,
Felicia

[Susan M.]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Could you kindly tell "former fan" that if she got her head out of her ass, she might be able to find Jenn & her fan base.
Oh, and could you possibly do that while dancing naked?
Hugs!
Susan

[Liz C]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I just saw the bed pic too. My 49th birthday is in 10 days. That should give you plenty of time to visit Dominique in Atlanta then get up here to Seattle, shouldn't it?
<3

Dear Paul Rudd,

I'm probably old enough to be your... babysitter but I am having improper thoughts about that bed pic. Does that make me a perv?
<3

[Kristen]

Dear Paul Rudd:

I agree with a fellow poster and believe you should make a Holiday special guest star appearance on the blog. You have made this the funniest post ever! I have been checking back all day and crying out with laughter - oh to see the humor you inspire! Thanks and I agree you're hot in your own special way. Smart, smart-ass, funny, sweet, cute guys need love too right?

[heather]

Dear Paul Rudd -
Go fix me a drink. (I heard you like to be dominated...)

[heather]

Dear Paul Rudd -
Go fix me a drink. (I heard you like to be dominated...)

[Stephanie]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I am a lesbian and I would fly over the fence for you. I don't think that makes me bi, just hot for you.

Dear Paul Rudd,
Democrats in DC love Jenn, you should too.

[sue Treiber]

Dear Paul Rudd,
you are a fine hunk of man meat.
Wanna come over for a Hot Pocket?

[JaymeK]

Dear Paul Rudd:

Do you ever have moments where you are incredibly amusing and yet no one is around to bear witness and share in your fabulous bon vivant style and humor?

Me too!

Love,
jfk

[Big Red]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Is there any chance you could help make Jen a little less funny? I almost gave myself a concussion when I fell out of my chair at work and hit my head on my desk as I went down laughing hysterically at what she had posted today.

Could you also bring me over some ice?

[Rachel]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I forgot where I left my car keys. Where did they go?!?

Dear Paul Rudd,

If I have nothing but baked ziti and chocolate chip cookies for breakfast from all those holiday party leftovers for the next 5 days, am I really being bad, or just bad in a good way?

[EAM]

Dear Paul Rudd,

One would think a "fan" would know not to mess with Jen aka Queen of Snark, don't you think? This further proves why she is awesome and you should PPH her as well.

Sincerely,
EAM

[Sarah]

Dear Paul Rudd,

I am pretending wine is zero points until after Christmas.

Cheers Santa!

[melissa]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Hi! How are you? I hope everything is good with you and you are enjoying the Christmas season. I am fine. I am looking forward to getting really drunk at my staff Christmas party tomorrow night. Do you like to drink too?

Anyways. I am writing because I wanted to ask you for a big favour. One of my favourite bloggers Jen was set into a tizzy when she found out her friend would be interviewing you. So I was wondering, as a gesture of good will during the festive season, if you could maybe make a guest appearance on her blog via letter? Ie "Dear Jen & Jennsylvania bloggers" blah blah blah. You know the drill.

Also, (and maybe this is asking too much but)if you wouldn't mind including any no-pants photos of yourself that you may have lying around that would be great. I know we'd all appreciate them and comment adoringly on you manliness.

Anyways. Please write back and let me know!

SWAK!
Melissa

[Tanya]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Do you see how much Jen rocks for this comment to Former Fan?

I can almost hear an "evil laugh" mwoohahahaha" after that.

[Jen]

Dear Paul Rudd,

One more thing - when did I ever earn a penny off of touring, outside of the books that were sold at the events? Because if someone wants to pay me a tidy sum of money for being gone from my husband, home, and pets for four to six weeks, I'm all ears.

Dear Paul Rudd,

Isn't the whole point of everything I've written to date supposed to be inspirational about how to pull oneself up out of the dregs and become successful? Seems like a true fan would understand that.

P.S. Anonymous comments aren't anonymous, Sue.

[Krissy]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Will you show up under my Christmas tree wearing only a bow and a smile and make it the best. Christmas. Ever? Or in leiu of that will you just show up to my apartment one night and drink wine with me until we both get giggly and then make out all night? Either option works for me.

Love, Krissy

Dear Paul Rudd:

Just thinking of you makes me all giddy and giggly like a school-girl. Hehehehehe!

Hehe, Krissy

[Jen]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Remember that time I sent Fletch out to buy cleaning supplies after we moved and he bought some weird stick-on bowl cleanser only I didn't know it and when I went to use his bathroom I was all, "That better not be a camera, motherfucker!"

Dear Former Fan,

Paul Rudd says you won't be missed.

[Leslie]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I was merely 5-years-old at the time Clueless was released, but I just realized that it was you in Knocked Up. I am happy to announce that I finally understand this post. Thank you, Paul Rudd.

Best,
Leslie

[Mandi R]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Crapbag
xoxo
M

[Sweet Herald]

Dear Paul Rudd:

Mmwah! (to make this post legit)

Val: I saw that movie! It was a good flick and a Blockbuster exclusive which is why a lot of people never saw it. And man Michelle looked amazing in it.

[Tanya]

Dear Paul Rudd,

You were seriously a dork in Clueless, but a hot dork. And will you please remind Jen that she can "legally" make out with you if she'd just put you on her freebie list?

Thanks.

[Tiffany]

Dear Paul Rudd,

Sara Harrison should learn to be happy for her friends and not be jealous. I hate when people talk negatively for others successes especially when they have had hard times before. Thanks so much Paul Rudd.

[val]

Dear Paul Rudd:

I may have been the only person to actually rent "I Could Never Be Your Woman" from Blockbuster, so, does that mean I *can* be your woman?

xo,
val

p.s. you were HILARIOUS in that movie!

[summer]

dear paul rudd,
will you dress up in your kiss costume and sing to me?

[Sara Harrison]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Can we drive around and look at Christmas lights together and drink spiked hot cocoa? And then make out?

Dear Paul Rudd,
I like how Jen makes fun of Rachael Ray (aka The Joker), want to watch 30 Minute Meals together and throw stuff at the screen?

Dear Paul Rudd,
Will you be my Christmas present this year?

Love, Sara

[former fan]

Dear Paul Rudd:

My favorite writer used to be funny. Now she talks about how tough it is to be living in a larger house ( while many people are struggling) and the stress of her book tour for which she is probably getting paid a tidy some of money. I believe she has lost touch with her fan base. Can you help her find it??

[Dolanmama]

Dear Paul Rudd,
I hate you. I never want to see you again. Unless you show up at my place with a case of Schlitz, AGAIN! Wow, that was a crazy night, hunh? We were SO GOOD together. I still can't believe you dumped me when you found out I was pregnant. The triplets all look just like you. Paul Jr, Paulie, and Pauli Girl appreciate the $5 you send them every Christmas. But don't think for a second that I don't know you could pony up $10. Cheap son of a bitch. One of the many reasons I'm so happy to have you out of my life. I'm sorry. I miss you. If you come back I promise I won't nag you any more about the hookers. It just hurt my feelings when that big manly one kept leaving you filthy messages on the machine. You are such a dirtbag. Call me?

[Karina in T.O]

Dear Paul Rudd,
totally dug you in Knocked Up, eventhough the rest of the movie was like 'nah'.

Dear Paul Rudd,
if any woman in the next 6 months approaches you with the opening line "Dear Paul Rudd" you may want to run, and run fast!

[Anastasia]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Won't you come to Baton Rouge and save a sad little graduate school student from the horrors of finals? No? I am a social worker! We could play psychoanalysis!

Dear Paul Rudd,
What if I tell you that my sweetheart is leaving the country for a month and my heart needs mending? NO? Ok, ok, ok what if I told you that Object of My Affection is my personal favorite of yours? Come on, I am short, very pretty, and hilarious.

Dear Paul Rudd,
Do not think that Jen is crazy because she wanted to pay you tribute. Her fans like her, enough said.

[Jenna]

Dear Paul Rudd,
Remember when you were in 40 year old virgin and your ex of two years stomped all over your heart? yeah, i would never do that. call me.

ps. my favorite line is "you know how I know you're gay!" thank.you.for.that.

[Emily]

More proof you are crazy...

[complicated v]

Dear Paul Rudd, I've been told I look like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless, but I think I'm much more attractive. And I can drive in platform heels. I'm pretty sure I love you and I think we should make out. Jen can watch.

[Marissa]

Dear Paul Rudd:
Jen Lancaster is the funniest woman in America without even trying. Please tell her she should hire a young suburbanite who hates her job to be her personal assistant. Said suburbanite would be willing to roast chicken, make Starbuck's runs, encourage her to work out but not belittle her if she doesn't, play with her puppies, and write letters to Paul Rudd, I mean you, for her.

[Laura]

Dear Paul Rudd, remember that time I saw you outside of Fred Segal? I smiled at you with the "oh my God, you're Paul Rudd" smile and you gave me a nod as if to acknowledge "Yes, I am indeed Paul Rudd."

No?

Well, your hair looked really nice that day.

[Kebab]

Dear Paul Rudd,

When you Google yourself and find this page, I hope you are sufficiently amused and thoroughly flattered. Also, you should make out with Jen.

[Michelle]

Dear Paul Rudd:

Jen is soooooo funny (and did you know she's also a best-selling author??) so you should totally make out with her. And, while you're spreading some holiday cheer you really should make out with me too. I'm not nearly as funny as Jen, but I'm really nice. And, my birthday is coming up. This would be a very nice birthday present, no?

All the best,
Michelle

[Megan]

Dear Paul Rudd, remember when I went to see that play because Julia Roberts was in it, only you were in it too, and we fell in love?

Dear Paul Rudd, if you see Jenn, be sure and let her know that she is funny out loud too...