jennsylvania

This (As Well As That)

FIRST, THIS

Remember when you were in college and you skipped your international relations class one day because you wanted to work on your tan instead? 

And then you got busy (read: watching Divorce Court) and ended up skipping it again two days later? 

And again after that?  

And then after a week of skipping, you realized how much extra free time you had to tan and watch Divorce Court by not going?

And cutting class became a bad habit? 

And although you quite enjoyed ditching, you technically wanted to attend that class because you liked it, plus you knew you'd mess up your perfect GPA in your major if you lost points for class participation? 

And then you got bronchitis and you couldn't go to class legitimately?

And you went to talk to your professor about your bronchitis and he was all, "Tell me another one, Leatherface McSunburn."

And then you got better and you meant to go but it was 75 degrees and sunny again and all the cute Phi Delts were playing football on the lawn?

And when it finally rained and you got your ass back into your international relations class, everyone was all, "Who are you?" and it was totally awkward and you felt sheepish and you kind of couldn't look anyone in the eye because they knew what you were doing because your tan was ridiculous and, no, you could NOT borrow their notes?

Well, substitute attending class for blogging, doing Christmas-y stuff for tanning, and watching Divorce Court for, um, watching Divorce Court, and you've got a pretty accurate accounting of my last three weeks.

So... I'm back.

Can I borrow your notes?

* * *

AND THEN THAT

As a quick reminder, I'm giving the keynote address at the BlissDom '09 conference this year and HOW COOL IS THAT??

For those of you who have no clue what a BlissDom is, the short answer is it's a blogging conference taking place in Nashville, TN on February 6th and 7th at the Preston Hotel.

The long answer, according to the conference's website: 

BlissDom is YOUR conference.  It was developed for bloggers by bloggers.  Whether you're just getting started or have been blogging for years, there's something for youat BlissDom '09.

We are bringing those bloggers you always wanted to meet and mingle with, right to you, to answer all your burning questions about writing, social media, marketing, and-yes-even book deals.

We've developed sessions for two levels of bloggers - Apprentice and Maven- so each attendee can decide which areas she personally wants to learn about or develop to grow as a blogger. 

In addition to giving the keynote, I'm on the Book Deals panel which is part of the Maven track where I'll be giving all the inside scoop on the business of turning a blog into a book.

Sound like fun?  Then register today for the early bird discount of only $100!

And yes, I will totally be having drinks with everyone there.  (Just so you know.) 

The only downside is I have no idea what to discuss in my speech.  I assume since I'll already be talking about book deal specifics on the panel, I should speak about something a little less esoteric.  

If you have any suggestions for speech topics, don't leave me hanging because I don't want the fine sponsors to have to issue refunds due to my babbling on about why I hate Vicki on The Real Housewives of Orange County.

Of course, if Vicki and Donn break up and end up on Divorce Court, all bets are off.

We Wish You A Maisy Christmas

 

Now bring me some figgy pudding.  (And have a Loki New Year!)

COOKIE PARTY!

Hey, remember last year when I said I was going to a cookie exchange and I asked you to share your favorite recipes here? 

And everyone participated? 

And it was super fun? 

Remember that? 

And we all had fantastic Christmases because we were so full of excellent cookies? 

Oh, wait, perhaps that's an exaggeration because last year was when Fletch suggested we cook dinner following Gourmet magazine's recipes?

And it was the very definition of a train-off-the-tracks, biker-hitting-a-billboard, baseball-bat-to-the-'nads, cat-with-a-jar-stuck-on-his-head monumental kind of fail? 

And we ate said fail-dinner at 11:25 PM, with barely thirty five minutes left until it wasn't even Christmas anymore? 

And my pie, the one that so screwed up our timing, never solidified (despite being stored in the freezer) so I served it in sauce form for a week over ice cream?

And Fletch suggested we use the liquid pie to replace our window washer fluid in the car because I so clearly had invented a substance that would never, ever freeze? 

But it was all OK because I fended of starvation (possibly another exaggeration) due to having previously made so many of your recipes?

Yeah, I remember, too. 

ANYWAY, welcome to what's now Jen's Second Annual Online Cookie Party!  Post away.

Once you're done if you want to read something awesome, check out my friend Stacey's article about being Jewish at this time of year and harboring Secret Christmas Envy.  Who knew? 

I'll be taking her a plate of cookies made from your recipes on Christmas Eve, so, guys, please bring your A-game to the comments section.

(And a non-stick pan.)

Dear Paul Rudd, I Am Only Funny Inside My Own Head

Setting:  The family room, approximately one second after Fletch has come in the door from work this evening.

"Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Guess what?" I exclaim.

Fletch is automatically wary.  "Can I guess after I take my coat off?"

"Um, okay."  I pause for a millisecond before pouncing on him again.  "Guess what?  Guess what?"

His sigh is barely perceptible, yet still surprisingly heavy.  "Do you want me to guess or are you just going to tell me?"

"I'll just tell you.  My friend got a freelance job doing an interview with Paul Rudd!"  (Whom I love SO MUCH.)

"Nice!" 

"Yeah, and instead of doing my own work, I've spent the last hour creating pretend emails that she should send to him, like 'Dear Paul Rudd, As part of my research, my editor requires us to make out.'  And "Dear Paul Rudd, we're going to need an additional photo for your feature.  Might you have any where you're not wearing pants?  (Profile is fine.)'"  And, "Dear Paul Rudd, what exactly are your thoughts about swinging?  You know, hypothetically.'"

Fletch appraises me with a gimlet eye.  "Since when do you write anything even vaguely suggestive?"

"Since never.  But it's so damn funny."

He shakes his head.  "Yeah, not so much."

Well, then, you know what Fletch really isn't going to find funny? 

When I prepare an entire dinner while speaking out loud in imaginary letters to Paul Rudd in lieu of actual conversation.

"Dear Paul Rudd, Stacey and I are getting massages and having high tea tomorrow.  Can I have $200?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, How do I roast a chicken?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Remember the last time I roasted a chicken and I accidentally did it upside down and then I almost felt too sad to eat him once he was cooked because he looked too much like a hostage in that position?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Do you know what happened to the extra bottle of olive oil?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, How come I set the alarm off every morning after Fletch goes to the gym?  Am I punching the numbers in too slowly?  Or too fast?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, Can you introduce me to Seth Rogan?  But just as friends, okay?  I find his hair unattractive."

"Dear Paul Rudd, Can you please option one of my books so you can play Fletch, so if we have to make out it won't be cheating because you'll just be getting into character?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, If I were to buy a demi-baguette and accidentally eat it all before you had any, would you also call me The Cookie Monster, only for French bread?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I found the olive oil."

"Dear Paul Rudd, Do you also think I'm passive-aggressive for licking Fletch's wine glass on Thanksgiving because he wasn't being properly sympathetic to how much I was suffering with my cold?"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I was not aware I was 'braying like a jackass' every time I say 'Dear Paul Rudd.'"

"Dear Paul Rudd, I promise to stop speaking in imaginary letters if Fletch stops hiding downstairs." 

(Although, honestly, I think it was the lure of a freshly roasted chicken that brought him back from the depths of the basement rather than any false promises on my part.)

Anyway, if you'd like to comment on this entry, it must be in the form of a letter to Paul Rudd.

(P.S.  Dear Paul Rudd, I know.  I know.  And I'm sorry, but I don't actually have a day job that I shouldn't quit.)

 

Time Out Jen

First, my tour schedule won't be announced for a few months yet - gathering info last week was just the primary step.  But thank you all for your guidance on where I should be sent!  When we do announce, if your city doesn't make the cut there's always a chance that a tour could be extended like last year, so no worries. 

Point?  That I'll keep you posted and that "final" often doesn't mean "final."

What else?  Oh, yeah, I did a fun interview with Steve Dale at WGN last week on Pet Central.  I've got the audio of it but I can't post it yet because I can't hear it as SOMEONE hasn't finished the super-special way he's insisting on hooking up my computer speakers because he has a cold and thus is incapable of doing anything other than calling in sick to work, sleeping on the couch, asking me to make coffee, and honking into Vicks-scented Kleenex. 

Mind you, with a more virulent version of this same cold, I did said radio interview, attended multiple book clubs, participated in a photoshoot for Time Out Chicago, went to a book signing and then out for post-event drinks, cleaned and prepared the house for a houseguest and then an evening with friends, attended three holiday parties, did another interview show, shoveled the walk three times, and finally, cooked a magnificent Thanksgiving feast that at no point could I actually taste.

But it's not a competition between us or anything. 

Even though I would have TOTALLY WON.

Except he fully recovered in four days and I'm still sick three weeks later. 

Perhaps I'll give his couch-coffee-and-Kleenex cure a whirl?

It's That Time Of Year Again - UPDATED

UPDATE

As a reminder, here's a quick rundown of where I went on tour this year:

Chicago (multiple), New York, Philly, DC, Atlanta, Dallas, Austin, Cincy, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco (multiple), Indianapolis, Phoenix, Denver, and Boston.  Granted, some of these places were far-flung 'burbs, but let's not split hairs about it.  I'm talking general area here.  I imagine my publisher will have me do many of the same places/cities, providing your input isn't vastly different or tour budgets become restricted.

Also, for those of you angling for Nashville, I'll be there in early February speaking at the Blissfully Domestic conference.  I'll post more details on that as I get them.  (I'll also be in DC in late February to be on a panel for CPAC but unless you also think Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of all time, you're not going to want to be there.)

* * *

I've cut and pasted today's entry from last year's blog, crossing out the irrelevant bits.  I figure I still need the same info and this post was close enough to re-use, so here goes...

* * *

Today's Jen-Point Quiz:

1)  What major city do you live closest to?

Answer only if you actually would come and see me spit, stammer, and sweat Chardonnay sweat Savignon Blanc live and in person.  (Bring a tarp if you're sitting in the front row!  I'm just like a Gallagher show!  But with less watermelon!)

Seriously, I just found out I assume I'm going to hit about ten cities a number of cities this summer for the new book which is SO VERY COOL!!  Obviously I'll do readings/signings here in Chicago, and most likely in New York and Philly.  That leaves seven an undetermined bunch of cities TBD.  Judging from the location of the requests I get, I'm also pushing for Minneapolis, somewhere multiple dates in Texas, and stops in the Carolinas.  Also, I'm going to suggest more than one appearance in Atlanta because y'all seem to get me best down there, despite my inability to use "y'all" right when recreating dialogue, bless my Yankee heart. 

So, if you were to want to see me, where would that be?  Boston?  D.C.?  (I'm guessing we'll stay more midwest-y/east-coast-y for logistical reasons.)     

Also, here's your exclusive first a look at the new cover for Such A Pretty Fat Pretty In Plaid, coming to a book-seller near you May 6, 2008 May 5, 2009.

Hope you like it...

 

... because we're not changing it (as per this November 24th post.)

Anyway, in the comments section, please tell me where I should be going.

(Other than straight to hell, of course.)

UPDATE

As a reminder, here's a quick rundown of where I went on tour this year:

Chicago (multiple), New York, Philly, DC, Atlanta, Dallas, Austin, Cincy, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco (multiple), Indianapolis, Phoenix, Denver, and Boston.  Granted, some of these places were far-flung 'burbs, but let's not split hairs about it.  I'm talking general area here.  I imagine my publisher will have me do many of the same places/cities, providing your input isn't vastly different or tour budgets become restricted.

Also, for those of you angling for Nashville, I'll be there in early February speaking at the Blissfully Domestic conference.  I'll post more details on that as I get them.  (I'll also be in DC in late February to be on a panel for CPAC but unless you also think Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of all time, you're not going to want to be there.)

* * *

I've cut and pasted today's entry from last year's blog, crossing out the irrelevant bits.  I figure I still need the same info and this post was close enough to re-use, so here goes...

* * *

Today's Jen-Point Quiz:

1)  What major city do you live closest to?

Answer only if you actually would come and see me spit, stammer, and sweat Chardonnay sweat Savignon Blanc live and in person.  (Bring a tarp if you're sitting in the front row!  I'm just like a Gallagher show!  But with less watermelon!)

Seriously, I just found out I assume I'm going to hit about ten cities a number of cities this summer for the new book which is SO VERY COOL!!  Obviously I'll do readings/signings here in Chicago, and most likely in New York and Philly.  That leaves seven an undetermined bunch of cities TBD.  Judging from the location of the requests I get, I'm also pushing for Minneapolis, somewhere multiple dates in Texas, and stops in the Carolinas.  Also, I'm going to suggest more than one appearance in Atlanta because y'all seem to get me best down there, despite my inability to use "y'all" right when recreating dialogue, bless my Yankee heart. 

So, if you were to want to see me, where would that be?  Boston?  D.C.?  (I'm guessing we'll stay more midwest-y/east-coast-y for logistical reasons.)     

Also, here's your exclusive first a look at the new cover for Such A Pretty Fat Pretty In Plaid, coming to a book-seller near you May 6, 2008 May 5, 2009.

Hope you like it...

 

... because we're not changing it (as per this November 24th post.)

Anyway, in the comments section, please tell me where I should be going.

(Other than straight to hell, of course.)

Why I Owe Fletch A Really Big TV

First, New Business:

You guys want me to do more local events?  Well, I'm doing a local event. 

What:  The Interview Show with Mark Bazer

When:  Friday, December 5th at 6:30 PM

Where:  The Hideout, 1354 West Wabansia, Chicago, IL  (773) 227-4433

Wait, Where?:  It's kind of hidden (hence the name) so check out their website for specific instructions.

What Else Do I Need to Know?:  Admission is $5 and other guests include alt-country musician Robbie Fulks, author and Sun Timescolumnist Neil Steinberg, and stand up comedian Robert Buscemi.

Will You Be Drunk?:  Probably

Will It Be Like That One Interview When Your Temporary Radio Publicist Accidentally Booked You on That Ex-Black Panther's Show and You Spent an Hour Getting Yelled at for the State of Race Relations in the United States Because You Wrote a Book Called Bitter Is the New Black?:  If so, then see answer above.

Will Fletch Be There?:  Yes, if he's speaking to me... which brings us to Old Business.

So, Jolene - one of my favorite people in the world - was in town last night to do a reading with some other authors at my favorite indie book store.  The night had a rock and roll theme and featured Jolene plus Joe Meno, Stephanie Kuehnert, and Chris Connelly. 

I was looking forward to the event because I always dig hearing Jolene read bits of her book.  What I didn't expect was to be so enamored with the other authors' work.  Seriously, you guys?  I had to buy all their stuff and now I'm conflicted over which to read first. 

Joe Meno read from his short story collection called Demons in the Spring and his description of art-school-poser Audrey was so vivid that I swear I've run into her at Kinko's before.  (I hate to advocate stalking, but you should keep checking his website for upcoming events because he doesn't read so much as he performs.)

Stephanie Kuenert excerpted part of her first chapter of I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone.  The book is YA but it's YA like Twilight is YA - sure young adults will read it, but when adults-proper read it, they'll enjoy it on a whole new level.  Again, fabulous and edgy.  

The last author up was Chris Connelly.  Those of you who don't have the musical sensibilities of a strip club DJ (e.g. myself) will recognize this name instantly from his groundbreaking work with Ministry, RevCo, and Pigface.  His book is Concrete, Bulletproof, Invisible and Fried: My Life as a Revolting Cock. 

I decided to get Chris to sign a book for Fletch because these are Fletch's all time FAVORITE bands and he loves Chris Connelly so much.  So when it was my turn to get the book signed, I recognized the gravity of the situation and I kind of got this nervous talking thing and I sort of babbled about how Fletch spends every morning with Chris at the gym and how he's kind of Fletch's idol and how his music is a big reason why Fletch has gotten so healthy lately. 

But again, I was babbling - possibly spitting - and at some point in my super-speedy diatribe I gave Chris the idea that Fletch was not listening to his music while huffing away all punk-rock by lifting heavy hunks of metal and instead that Fletch was listening to him on his iPod IN SPIN CLASS. 

Chris signed Fletch's book wishing him the best of luck and to KEEP SPINNING.   And Chris is a rock star so I didn't want to correct him and tell him, "No, no, I think I said that wrong," so now Fletch's rock idol thinks he takes SPIN CLASS and most likely walked away from our encounter wondering how the fuck one might spin to Pigface.

And then - then! - I asked to get a picture together and he sweetly obliged each of the fifteen times I demanded because the shots never actually saved because I'd filled up my BlackBerry's memory by taking too damn many photos of my new dining room table which I then inadvertently admitted out loud and then Jolene had to take the photo with her camera because I was really starting to make him nervous.  

To recap, Fletch's idol thinks:

A) He spins.

and

B) He's married to an idiot with a predilection for fast-talking and table porn.

Yeah, pretty sure I'm obligated to get Fletch the new flat-screen TV he really wants for the media room now.  Fortunately, I had the wherewithal not to mention Fletch couldn't come in the first place because of a run-in with Thanksgiving leftovers that had turned.

The good news is I don't have to buy him a surround-sound system, too.

 

Pfft.  Pearls are plenty punk rock.