Why I Owe Fletch A Really Big TV

First, New Business:

You guys want me to do more local events?  Well, I'm doing a local event. 

What:  The Interview Show with Mark Bazer

When:  Friday, December 5th at 6:30 PM

Where:  The Hideout, 1354 West Wabansia, Chicago, IL  (773) 227-4433

Wait, Where?:  It's kind of hidden (hence the name) so check out their website for specific instructions.

What Else Do I Need to Know?:  Admission is $5 and other guests include alt-country musician Robbie Fulks, author and Sun Timescolumnist Neil Steinberg, and stand up comedian Robert Buscemi.

Will You Be Drunk?:  Probably

Will It Be Like That One Interview When Your Temporary Radio Publicist Accidentally Booked You on That Ex-Black Panther's Show and You Spent an Hour Getting Yelled at for the State of Race Relations in the United States Because You Wrote a Book Called Bitter Is the New Black?:  If so, then see answer above.

Will Fletch Be There?:  Yes, if he's speaking to me... which brings us to Old Business.

So, Jolene - one of my favorite people in the world - was in town last night to do a reading with some other authors at my favorite indie book store.  The night had a rock and roll theme and featured Jolene plus Joe Meno, Stephanie Kuehnert, and Chris Connelly. 

I was looking forward to the event because I always dig hearing Jolene read bits of her book.  What I didn't expect was to be so enamored with the other authors' work.  Seriously, you guys?  I had to buy all their stuff and now I'm conflicted over which to read first. 

Joe Meno read from his short story collection called Demons in the Spring and his description of art-school-poser Audrey was so vivid that I swear I've run into her at Kinko's before.  (I hate to advocate stalking, but you should keep checking his website for upcoming events because he doesn't read so much as he performs.)

Stephanie Kuenert excerpted part of her first chapter of I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone.  The book is YA but it's YA like Twilight is YA - sure young adults will read it, but when adults-proper read it, they'll enjoy it on a whole new level.  Again, fabulous and edgy.  

The last author up was Chris Connelly.  Those of you who don't have the musical sensibilities of a strip club DJ (e.g. myself) will recognize this name instantly from his groundbreaking work with Ministry, RevCo, and Pigface.  His book is Concrete, Bulletproof, Invisible and Fried: My Life as a Revolting Cock. 

I decided to get Chris to sign a book for Fletch because these are Fletch's all time FAVORITE bands and he loves Chris Connelly so much.  So when it was my turn to get the book signed, I recognized the gravity of the situation and I kind of got this nervous talking thing and I sort of babbled about how Fletch spends every morning with Chris at the gym and how he's kind of Fletch's idol and how his music is a big reason why Fletch has gotten so healthy lately. 

But again, I was babbling - possibly spitting - and at some point in my super-speedy diatribe I gave Chris the idea that Fletch was not listening to his music while huffing away all punk-rock by lifting heavy hunks of metal and instead that Fletch was listening to him on his iPod IN SPIN CLASS. 

Chris signed Fletch's book wishing him the best of luck and to KEEP SPINNING.   And Chris is a rock star so I didn't want to correct him and tell him, "No, no, I think I said that wrong," so now Fletch's rock idol thinks he takes SPIN CLASS and most likely walked away from our encounter wondering how the fuck one might spin to Pigface.

And then - then! - I asked to get a picture together and he sweetly obliged each of the fifteen times I demanded because the shots never actually saved because I'd filled up my BlackBerry's memory by taking too damn many photos of my new dining room table which I then inadvertently admitted out loud and then Jolene had to take the photo with her camera because I was really starting to make him nervous.  

To recap, Fletch's idol thinks:

A) He spins.

and

B) He's married to an idiot with a predilection for fast-talking and table porn.

Yeah, pretty sure I'm obligated to get Fletch the new flat-screen TV he really wants for the media room now.  Fortunately, I had the wherewithal not to mention Fletch couldn't come in the first place because of a run-in with Thanksgiving leftovers that had turned.

The good news is I don't have to buy him a surround-sound system, too.

 

Pfft.  Pearls are plenty punk rock. 

Comments

[Molly]

Your hair looks great! Super shiny (in the good way).

[Rachel]

Holy Cow, you look just like someone I see all the time. Either one of my neighbors, or someone on the train. Or maybe someone I see at the Jewel... incredibly familiar, anyway.

[Jorae]

I "heart" your new hair color!! Looks great!

[Carter]

Umm...you look GORGEOUS!!! I just needed to say that!!

[Jen]

I really, really love your hair. I think I'm inspired for a color change.

[Kristin A-T]

Aww, I'm sure it's all good. When I met Chris Connelly (Damage Manual concert) he seemed like a pretty nice guy. Awesomeness that you read with him!

[Michael]

One time I ran into Woody Allen and his child bride in New York and I was so shocked I could only stare, which in turn caused him to stare at me, which freaked me out even more.

By the way, you look INCREDIBLE! Whatever you're doing keep it up! =)

Can't wait for the book!

[Alli]

You are a RIOT!!

[MZA]

Am using your photo for my DL pic. Cause we look 'xactly alike 'cept you're thinner & younger. I used to look just like you. (3 kids ago) And I didn't appreciate it.

You know what would be fabulous with that top? A chunky 3 strand pearl necklace.

I pink puffy heart with sparkles Jen!

[Katie Whitman]

LOVE the hair, you look GREAT!

[Erica]

Love the hair! A darker do works for you...and pearls are always rockin!

[Unruly Julie]

I was tongue tied talking to Leon Redbone. Don't ask.

[TheBabblingHousewife]

That's not so bad...I just scheduled a vasectomy for my husband during his 2 week vacation at the end of the month. With someone he graduated from high school with. Two days before New Year's Eve.

Stick with a Sony 120hz...Sam's has the best prices

[Denise]

your hair looks great and so does the rest of you! very inspiring

[Kate]

You look marvelous in your photo! Love your hair color this time around...

[Jessica]

Psh. If I can elliptical to KMFDM and Ministry (I can, and I have!), Fletch can most assuredly spin to Pigface.

[Autumn]

LOL.

That's all.

[Laura]

Two things:

1. I'm so there on Friday for three of my favorites: you, Bazer, and Hideout.

2. You look supes cute in that pic. Babble away!

[Caribbeansoul]

I wish I was HALF as photogenic as you! Great color and cut!

[Laura]

Chiming in to say that your hair color fabulous (I almost said to dye for...oh, how punny).

Seriously though, I saw that picture and had to tell you that your locks are truly enviable!

[Tara]

Jen, you look fabulous - love your hair!

[Terri D.]

As I read it, I was kinda hoping to see the pix of the dining room table...

[Julie]

I really want to know what Jen Lancaster thinks of twilight!!!!

[Kristen]

I wouldn't worry about the "spinning" and nice color. It suits you.

[MissAmy]

Awesome. Now, when are you going to be in Indiana? I can't imagine my husband would be okay with me ditching him and the kids for a stroll 3 hours away. Indiana please!

[Rocker Chick]

Ugh. I thought you were talking about Chris CORNELL. Nice picture. Looking good!!

[Ginny]

Does anyone else think Chris looks kinda like Fletch? Except Fletch has great guns from pumping all that iron (after spin class ... ha!!) and Chris? Mmm ... not so much. Anyway! Jen, your life is filled with the greatest misadventures and the fact that you take the time to share them with us in such a hysterically funny way is much appreciated!!! Also? Angela -- your post is so very Jennsylvania Hall of Fame worthy. You are hilarious, too!!! :-)

[Karen]

Lurve the hair, totally. And for a punk rock dude, he is rather sweet-looking, don't you think?

[Armalite]

Ooooh, like the new do! And the new color. And black suits you well - probably even more so than bitter :)

[judith]

Simple solution. You tell Fletch that Chris thought it was so cool that he still spun records on vinyl.

[lo]

This is my first time commenting on this site, but I've been reading it for a while. You are so gorgeous! That's a great picture of you. Ok, I'm done sounding like a creepy stalker

[Angela]

I meant "debacle" (blame it on the elderflower)

[Angela]

(1) Have worked out twice today AND had major grown-up business breakthrough, so rest of this comment is well-earned. . . .

(2) Pffft . . .screw champagne, screw raspberries. Mix one part St. Germaine Elderflower Liquer with two parts vodka. Shake over ice, pour in LOVELY martini glass (okay, add ONE raspberry if you have it to make pink and pretty, and). Drink. Repeat. PERFECTION

(3) Have to climb on "Hair looks great" bandwagon. Seriously -- great color and cut!

(4) Have to say SUPER THIN FACE LOOKS EVEN BETTER THAN HAIR!!!!! Ohmigoodness, you rock (as does Barbie, a.k.a. supertrainer)

(5) Must now order "Barbie head" online (no ambien required . . .see above: "(2)Pffft . . .")

(6) Just used (tonight) LAST "shit fletch doesn't want you to read" book list as ultimate "Barnes and Noble" guide -- and bought two recommendations PRIOR to my seeing NEW booklist. Will go broke stalking your bookcase.

(7) Speaking of Barnes and Noble, Mike Huckabee (I heart huckabees) to be in Orlando on Monday and I will miss it! (die hard Democrat who STILL loves Mike!!!). However, would change ALL plans to see Jen in Orlando (seriously, I could make you love the Mouse)

(8) Completely empathize with "not saving photos" debaucle as got to drive in First Lady elect's motorcade this past summer and when nice aide took picture of her HUGGING ME -- IT DIDN'T SAVE!!! Aargh!!

(Jen, are you living the Republican version of my life? I so heart you and tonight "Such a Pretty Fat" was front and center on the "Notable Non-Fiction" table at Barnes and Noble -- yay!)

P.S. -- took original official holiday drink to really fun but oh so trailer trashy (nicest people in the freakin' world!!!) Daytona Thanksgiving and proceeded to get only beer drinkers s-faced!!! Was BIG hit but, (a) puree raspberries -- much nicer and (b) tonight, at least, am still liking new vodka option better.

Cheers!

[Ericka]

i have moments like that all the time. don't worry - he'll only remember you as that psycho with pretty hair later.

*sigh* i miss chicago. *sob*

[Melissa Your BFF in Dallas]

OMG, that is too funny. Also?? You look great, am LOVING the hair!!

[Summer]

Your hair really does look great. Love the color.

I had the Blackberry camera moment with my daughter and Nastia freaking Liukin. That moment trumps every miserable moment of junior high school for cringeworthiness.

[Candice]

Does your hair always look that great? Sure, I love your books, keep it up and cool to all that other stuff, but your hair! Your hair is sassy and understated, ruffled yet perfect. Love it.

[Rebecca]

Now you know how I feel (I'm the lunatic who commented on the dog bones in your cart at Trader Joe's about a month ago - yeah, I wish I could re-do that moment).

I LOVE The Book Cellar! Any book store that serves wine is a godsend :).

Your hair looks great! Do you mind if I ask who colors it?

[Kelly]

So, my first thought was that your hair looks awesome. My second thought was how when I got to meet YOU at the Book Cellar in October, I was a blabbering, nervous idiot. I did get some great pictures!

[Bella]

First of all, hilarious story. At least you got the autographed book, though, right?

But also, I LOVE your hair. It's darker, right? It looks great! Just had to tell you.

[invernessie]

My father has a favorite all-purpose saying for these kind of incidents: "I should've been a priest". It can mean everything or nothing. Tell Fletch he's free to use this whenever apropos...

Can't wait for the new book. I would love to catch the reading but I will be in Las Vegas (baby!) for one of my mental health days on the 5th.

Have a great time and can't wait for the play-by-play.

[Kelsey]

Yeah, you may owe him something really good..perhaps some free spin classes?

Great picture!! The hair looks wonderful, I'm envious!

[Miss M]

So I haven't even had a chance to read your post yet- but you are looking HOT in your picture! Seriously.

[Kristabella]

OK, I LOVE your hair! That is all.

[Stacie]

You look great!! I love your books. I was at a reading you did in Philly for Such a Pretty Fat. You are the best. I don't drink, I just hear desserts calling me. The sadistic bakery across from my job puts their stuff on sale 50% off after 4pm...when I get off...coincidence? Laughing burns calories, right?

[Jessica]

Hey, I had that exact same Blackberry moment... with you! Now I don't feel like such an idiot.

[sue Treiber]

and this is why I don't drink i public anymore.
But you look fab!

[Rebecca]

Now you know how I feel :)(I'm the lunatic who randomly started talking about the dog bones in your cart at Trader Joe's - yeah, I'd like to re-do that moment).

I love The Book Cellar. A bookstore with wine? Heaven!

[sue Treiber]

and this is why I don't drink in public anymore.
But you look fab!

[Gretchen G.]

Your hair looks awesome! I love the color! I will have to check out those authors you mentioned.