Last Friday I was in the Admirals Club at O'Hare, freaking out over giving a keynote address, eating breakfast, and glowering at these two:
Not pictured? Acres of freckled cleavage and handbags that cost more than my first year of college.
I tried to be all stealthy, holding my BlackBerry in one hand and my coffee in the other, so the shot's not terribly clear. I'd hoped to capture the fact that it was 7:30 AM and these two Real Housewife-types were splitting a bottle of wine.
And because it bears repeating, it was 7:30 AM and they were drinking a whole bottle of wine.
Appalling.
Delighted to have someone to judge so I could be distracted from my speech-giving panic, I happily took my flight down to Nashville for the BlissDom 09 conference.
By the way, how do you know you're in Nashville? Because this is the art you'll find on your hotel room wall:
Willie almost looks like a religious icon here, doesn't he? Which is why I started calling this picture, "Jesus, The Outlaw Years." (And yes, his eyes followed me, prompting me to change in the bathroom.)
As much as I laughed at the art initially, I figured with Willie on my wall, I couldn't NOT have fun at this thing. He's like the patron saint of good times, you know? I guarantee it's a party when Willie shows up. I gazed into his soulful eyes and I could almost feel Him willing me to unclench.
Basking in His heavenly presence - or perhaps in His residual contact buzz - I joined the other attendees, where I immediately met my evil twin. While everyone else ate lunch, she, too, thought it was a grand idea to begin swilling vodka. With our sippy cups full of Absolut Cape Cods, what would have been interesting and informative panels became THE BEST SESSIONS EVER.
Normally, this is the point in the day/story when I'd earn myself a stern lecture for ducking out to get more drinks. But because the benevolent Saint Willie was smiling down upon me, I have to believe what happened next was nothing short of miraculous.
I'd just sneaked up to room 704 for another round when divine inspiration told me to turn on my phone. I'd switched if off hours before when the sessions started. (Drunk? Perhaps. Rude? Never.) As soon as I did, I received a number of increasingly panicked messages from my entire publishing team to call The New York Times.
Apparently a reporter was doing an article on the Shopaholic book and movie and wondered if I might have a moment to share an opinion.
Did I have an opinion?
To share with the Times?
In an article about that which is my all time favorite book?
Which then Sophie Kinsella might read and thus know I exist?
Yeah, I was pretty sure I did.
(Granted, having a drunken interview is more Bridget Jones and less Becky Bloomwood, but it still counts.)
The reporter asked me questions about books and shoes and he told me about shopping with Sophie herself, all while I sipped pink drinks.
I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn't Heaven; it was Nashville.
Anyway, the article came out today in the Styles section and you can read it here. The Times even included my book title!
* * *
As I staggered up to my room last Friday to pass out after an entire day spent woofing down drinks, I realized that the only thing that separated me from those women in the Admirals Club was an Egg McMuffin.
Well... that and Saint Willie. Praise be!
(P.S. I was sober Saturday and my speech went fine.)
How did I totally miss this get together? Was my invitation misplaced? Mailed to someone else - perhaps Stiletto Mom???
Posted by: vodkamom | February 16, 2009 at 05:55 AM
Did you ever tell us what you decided on for the subject matter of your keynote address??? You took a poll a while back, but I never heard the decision. Do tell! (Very broke and also not a blogger, so no trip to Blissdom for me!)
Posted by: Ginny | February 15, 2009 at 06:23 PM
Those Real Housewives -- hilarious! And sad. But mostly hilarious.
Posted by: Lori Anderson | February 15, 2009 at 04:23 PM
On Thursday morning I was to fly from St. Louis to Newark. (Flight delayed forEVER). I ate breakfast at a bar and was surrounded by men doing shots. My egg sandwich paled in comparison. No skanky cougars in sight, though, just the "regulars."
The bartender greeted the guy next to me with, "You're late. Where the hell've you been? I poured your first shot an hour ago."
If I had known how scary the flight was going to be, I would have matched them shot for shot!
Posted by: Kathy | February 15, 2009 at 04:04 PM
Yay on the Times! That's definitely a measure of being fabulous (which of course you are :P)
BTW my school had formal recruitment last week (rushing) and I shared your blog about your old rush handbook with my chair. She loved it. I actually adopted some of it because after a while I was sick of hearing how no one could live without their cellphone. Really?? Neither could I, but I think I could figure out something slightly more creative and telling. haha
Have a fabulous week :)
Posted by: Jenn | February 15, 2009 at 02:50 PM
It was so good to meet you at BlissDom-I didn't even notice you were crunk! Heh!
I had one hell of a weekend with authors-after you signed three books for me I was in the airport waiting for my flight home when a total stranger signed *his* book for me too and gifted it to me.
It was a Christian fitness and weight loss book. :-/ Um, thanks? LOL
Posted by: CheekySweetie | February 15, 2009 at 12:32 PM
Jen, come to London and visit Heathrow T3 at 7 a.m. The pub is packed! And people are drinking at TGI Fridays! And when the champagne bar opens around 9, it fills up pretty darn quickly!
By the way, when are you coming to London for your book tour? I think we could get you a good crowd!
Posted by: Krista | February 15, 2009 at 07:22 AM
LMAO! I totally thought that the pic of the OC wannabes were the twin guys from Nelson! (80's band. Gunnar and Matthew.)
(Was I jealous because their hair was longer and more luxurious than mine? Oh yeah.)
(Did I just date myself because not only do I remember their names but I am singing their biggest *hit in my head? Definatly.)
I do heart the 80's.
* "After the Rain" FYI*
Posted by: Angie | February 14, 2009 at 10:00 PM
I just wanted to let you know that in "Bitter is the New black" the part where you explain your drunken voicemails to carol, I was laughing SO HARD my boyfriend was like WHAT CAN BE THAT FUNNY IN A BOOK? Oh honey you haven't heard of J. Lancaster yet have you!
You are the best!
Posted by: Ashley | February 14, 2009 at 09:37 PM
Waylon, Willie, and the boys...yep, you gotta love that Nashville. I'm glad it all went well for you and the speech-giving. I sat at the mall today selling anthologies for our writer's guild. I'm not in it, although I will be in the 2009 edition...but not as much fun as changing clothes with Mr. Nelson! Love ya!
Posted by: Kristin | February 14, 2009 at 07:02 PM
Jen,
When are you going to tell your publicist to pitch your books/life to be made into a weekly TV series???
You could call the show "Bitter is the New Black". I just KNOW you would get mega ratings!!! Your take on everything is just so hilarious!
Posted by: Diane | February 14, 2009 at 04:59 PM
They SHARED a bottle of wine?!?! That's bush league!
Posted by: Sally | February 13, 2009 at 03:47 PM
I think the ladies in the airport may have earned a bad rap. Its not ok to START drinking at 7:30a with an entire bottle of wine. It is ok to CONTINUE drinking at 7:30a with a whole bottle of wine.
Posted by: Domestic Goddess (In Training) | February 13, 2009 at 12:46 PM
Don't worry Jen -- Becky Bloomwood got TOTALLY drunk before interview, too. Remember in the sequel when she drank an entire bottle of wine by herself and then attempted to impress a bunch of American TV execs with some faux Brit traditions, like "passing the tea cake..." -- Sophie's gonna love you!
Posted by: Tara | February 13, 2009 at 11:17 AM
You're speech was more than fine! I'm in the middle of Bitter is the New Black and I am even more in love with you than I was after our Saturday lunch together.
Posted by: Sarah @ Ordinary Days | February 13, 2009 at 09:43 AM
My two cents say that it's not that they were drinking at 7:30a, it's that they clearly were not drinking PROPERLY at 7:30a. Wine? Er, NO. Bloody Mary and/or a Mimosa? You bet. Pull up a chair and let the sport bitching ensue.
Posted by: Bitsy | February 13, 2009 at 09:15 AM
I too am a Shopoholic-aholic. I own and re-read the whole series so much that I really only go through the motions of holding the book because I know all the words.
Did you know you can see your reflection over Willie's shoulder, too bad it wasn't more clear, would have made a great photo!
Posted by: DawnMarie | February 13, 2009 at 09:12 AM
Did you meet Casey from Moosh in Indy?
Posted by: Emily | February 13, 2009 at 09:05 AM
I've always wanted to sit in an airport, scantily clad, drinking wine at the crack of dawn. Unfortunately, I'm usually sweating from too much clothing, while balancing a latte, my Blackberry and a file, trying to get my boss to climb down off the ceiling. There is still hope!
Posted by: Stephanie | February 13, 2009 at 08:41 AM
Bummer, sorry I missed it, sounds like fun.
However, I just want to say I'm glad you posted again cause every morning I saw that damn cupcake I'd get cupcake cravings. It was just cruel. Please don't have an appealing food item show on your blog for an extended length of time again, think of my waistline.
Oh, and I'd totally drink at 7:30 am if I was in an airport, but only after I'd had my coffee.
Posted by: Trixie | February 13, 2009 at 07:45 AM
Congratulations on the Times piece!!!
Posted by: Susan | February 13, 2009 at 07:42 AM
When I blather on drunkenly, people throw coasters at me and tell me to shut it.
When you blather on drunkenly, people put it in the Times.
I have so far to go...
Posted by: Stephanie | February 13, 2009 at 07:22 AM
Dang, you got Willie?! I got stuck w/ Ms. Dolly.
THAT will make you rethink your clothing choices.
Posted by: Amo | February 13, 2009 at 06:54 AM
I have to tell you that you are phenomenal. I love your books and your attitude on life.
I look forward to Pretty In Plaid!
If you ever come to Maine on a book tour, I'd love to chat with you and share a cupcake.
Posted by: Renee | February 13, 2009 at 06:12 AM
Love this! Love your Times quote ... and that you were drinking at lunch time. I could handle that - but a bottle of wine at 7:30 AM - that is too hard-core for me.
Posted by: Chrissy | February 13, 2009 at 04:49 AM
Congrats on your mention in the Times, especially associated with another book as fabulous as yours. You will have to review the movie when you see it… I’m nervous. I will have you know I have recently run Stillwater, OK out of all 6 copies of Bitter is the New Black that I could find to give away to friends. One called yesterday and said she devoured it cover to cover in an afternoon! I am re-reading all three myself as I could use a break from 19th century plays. Can’t wait for the new book!
Posted by: kimberly | February 13, 2009 at 02:36 AM
Loved you (stalked you) at Blissdom. Thank you for being so gracious and listening to my rant about you being fabulous. You rock. Sober or not. And even on a wobbly stage. :) Seriously.
Posted by: Danielle- ExtraordinaryMommy | February 13, 2009 at 12:36 AM
Ha, I had Johnny Cash in my room. Kinda nice one too. Thought the red, uncomfortable cow-something-or-other lining on the elevator was more freaky. A few whiskeys later and it was downright scary!
You nailed the speech, and I appreciated your (always) blunt honesty at the panel. Not everyone can have a book. But some can. Thanks for sharing!
(and next time they lock us in a room with Yanni, please pass the hooch. Would have been a hell of a lot more fun.)
Posted by: Littlemissknowitall | February 12, 2009 at 11:06 PM
after you twittered about the NY times this morning, I had to search it out and read whatyou said. I found you to be quite funny ;) Now you should consider turning Bitter to the big screen (or perhaps I'm full of it, which is 100% possible)
Posted by: Jill | February 12, 2009 at 10:32 PM
Hi. We met in the bar at Blissdom after you spent all that time in line signing books. I saw the Times article today - it was great!! Congratulations!
Posted by: amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas | February 12, 2009 at 08:28 PM
I just finished reading Such a Pretty Fat, a friend suggested it to me. I bought it right as I was going on a family trip and needless to say, my family didn't get much attention from me on the trip. I adore you. I mean that in a healthy appreciation kind of way, not in the stalker way it might sound. I can’t get over your writing. You say everything I am thinking, which is refreshing as I’m usually the one who gets in trouble for being the one saying what is on my mind. I know you already know your writing is witty and refreshing but I just want to thank you for sharing your stories. I cried and then I peed my pants from laughing, I relate to you on so many levels and I'm so glad that I found something I can relate to. I’ve already ordered both of the other books and I can’t wait to add them to my library. I keep calling my friends and reading passages out loud to them and end up saying, I can’t do this justice, just buy the book, you will not regret it. So thank you again.
Posted by: Marcey Moreno | February 12, 2009 at 06:53 PM
Mental note- do not offer keynote a cocktail as a welcome to Nashville at Blissdom10.
I love you, Dude.
You rawked it sober & not so sober.
xoxo
Posted by: Allison Worthington {@fussypants} | February 12, 2009 at 06:10 PM
I can't wait for your new book to come out, thought my husband has banned reading your books in bed because I wouldn't stop reading and turn off the light until I literally passed out. Plus I would start snickering, then chortling, and then have to jump up to pee because I was laughing so hard. You are hilarious. Thank you for writing your wonderful books.
Posted by: Anna Discenzo | February 12, 2009 at 05:54 PM
I'm not sure which is weirder - you having Willie in your room or me having Hank Williams Jr. in mine. At least you could see Willie's eyes, Bocephus had his trademark sunglasses on in the picture. Freaky...
You rocked BlissDom09! Thanks again for the advice...
Posted by: Kelli | February 12, 2009 at 05:40 PM
You are such a lucky bitch.
Posted by: Sweet Herald | February 12, 2009 at 05:24 PM
My husband has a theory that I think applies here. "Time, as it relates to drinking in airports, is irrelevant." Wish I could've heard the speech and congrats on the NYT drunken quote.
Posted by: Tanya | February 12, 2009 at 05:17 PM
Your speech was more than fine.
And do you remember my confessions of drinking at 8:15 am? Or were you already lit? If so, you were hiding it GOOD. Be proud.
By the way, we entered the first session giggling tipsy and I tripped yet AGAIN on someone's bag. You can just call me Grace from now on.
Posted by: Heather, Queen of Shake Shake | February 12, 2009 at 05:03 PM
So, they didn't print anything about how the movie looks nothing like the book? I mean, the theme is there, but they appear to have changed the entire thing, or crammed several of the "shopaholic" books together.
I'm planning to avoid it. I'd rather read.
Posted by: Phyllis | February 12, 2009 at 04:53 PM
Your speech was great - everyone was riveted. I don't think anyone snuck out to drink instead and that is saying something. And you had to follow a really hot guy and people put aside their hot flashes to listen so you much have been really kick ass.
You were also incredibly gracious during the book signing - thanks!
Posted by: Michelle Smiles | February 12, 2009 at 04:36 PM
The blonde, tan, freckled housewives? Skin cancer, massive credit card bills and what is that coat?!?!?!
Your Times quote? Awesome!
Being wasted while providing said Times quote? Priceless.
Confessions of a Shopaholic? 7:30pm. Tomorrow. 600 N. Michigan Ave. Can't wait!
Posted by: Melissa | February 12, 2009 at 04:26 PM
I am so happy you made the correlation between yourself and the women in the airport. I was laughing at you being appalled at the cougars drinking wine at 7:30 a.m. and then you drinking vodka at lunch! I missed Blissdom this year and can't wait to go next year, but only if you save me a seat at your table for lunch!
Posted by: Lazy Mom Leslie | February 12, 2009 at 04:23 PM
Willie, Nashville, and Jen! It couldn't get much better than that! It's just a shame you couldn't have been baptized by Saint Willie in the Whiskey River!
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 12, 2009 at 04:15 PM
Glad to hear from speech went well. Also, in addition to the McMuffin, there are three (soon to be four!) best-selling books separating you and the Melanoma Madames over there.
Posted by: Parsing Nonsense | February 12, 2009 at 04:12 PM
This is such a classic Jen story. I love it! Congrats again on the Times piece.
Posted by: Meg | February 12, 2009 at 04:04 PM
Wait, is it wrong to drink wine at 7:30 am? Huh. I'm gonna have to rethink my business travel habits. Perhaps that's what keeps making me miss flights. :)
It was great to meet you, probably one of my more memorable weekends!
Posted by: The Stiletto Mom | February 12, 2009 at 03:53 PM
Willie is good, but here in Seattle is some hotel art that is not so good.
http://www.lemontreechronicles.com/2009/01/wooden-vagina-monologue.html
Posted by: Wendy | February 12, 2009 at 03:51 PM
Jen I thought the sight of 2 women with expensive bags and glasses of wine at 7:30 a.m. would cause your naughty bits to start tingling!! Thought you loved wine and nice bags. You're just "jellis". ;-)
Posted by: BagLady | February 12, 2009 at 03:39 PM
I typically judge things that I'd rather be doing... aka, if I'm at the airport at 7:30 why not be skinny, scantily clad, and drinking a bottle of wine? If, instead, I'm just me... then I sit quietly with my breakfast taco judging them and texting my husband for feedback that they are trashy.
Posted by: Amanda | February 12, 2009 at 03:26 PM
Those ladies drinking at 7:30a.m. in the airport bar? Well, they might just be from another country, where it is, after all, 5p.m.? Just a thought. Not snarky, sarcastic, witty, or dark humored, but it was the first thought that came to mind when I read your comment.
Posted by: Julie | February 12, 2009 at 03:22 PM
I loved getting to meet you at Blissdom and think that you did a wonderful job at your speech...
I even blogged about how much I love you!
http://allybspeakin.blogspot.com/2009/02/for-love-of-jen.html
Thanks for being so cool! And congrats on the NYT quote!
Posted by: Ally B | February 12, 2009 at 03:20 PM