And Now You Know The Rest Of The Story

I promised myself I'd sit down to write a long-overdue blog post today. 

When I finally did, I realized I have nothing to say, even though I've been plenty busy for the past few weeks. 

No, I don't have writer's block, nor am I troubled in any sense.  It's just that I've already told all my stories in short bursts on Twitter.

The good news is when you make a living getting paid by the word, it's not too hard to expand upon what's previously been written. 

So, because you've been waiting for it - at least that's what I tell myself - here are the stories behind the stories.  (With photos and everything!)

* * *

The Tweets About My Stupid Haircut And Neck Punching

wonders how we have the technology to clone a sheep, yet it's scientifically impossible for me to get two good haircuts in a row.

will consider it miraculous if I DON'T end up punching someone in the neck today. My aggravation meter goes all the way to eleven.

used a new anti-aging eye cream last night and now both eyes feel infected. Christian Dior, your neck has a date with my fist.

advises the Neck Punching Threat Index Level has been lowered to yellow, due to a better haircut and a Filet-o-Fish. Proceed with caution.

Now for the rest of the story...

 

Why would anyone give me this bowl stupid haircut?  Why? 

FYI, I'm wearing clown makeup here because this is from the day we filmed my Pretty in Plaid video, which is basically shot and cut like a movie trailer, only to promote books.  This particular video will include plenty of Breakfast Club dancing and my hope is it will be really funny, except for my haircut, which is obviously tragic. 

I had people in town for a few days last week because of the video, which partially explains my absence from the blog.  Also, I had to clean for two days prior to their arrival since I spent all my allowance on a stupid bowl haircut and couldn't pay a maid service.  (Bit of a false economy, really.) 

During the shoot we kept trying to capture a Risky Business-type slide across the hardwood, which Fletch would not consent to do in Ray Bans, a big oxford, and skivvies because he is NO FUN.  (Also something about him having a real job and not wanting coworkers to see him on the internet sans pants?)  Anyway, he's the worst slider ever, so to grease the skids as it were, I sprayed an entire can of Endust on the floor.  For the rest of the night, the dogs kept wiping out every time they got to the bottom of the stairs and I had to spend the whole next day stripping off all the greased skids.

The happy ending here is that instead of just complaining about my stupid cut for the next six to eight weeks, I went back to my stylist and she fixed it for free.  No necks were punched.  And that brings us to last Saturday.     

* * *

The Tweets About The Stink

going all CSI to determine the stink in the family room. Cats are at the top of my suspect list.

has located source of carpet stink. Culprit not identified, but dogs pretty much cleared; not capable of this kind of evil. Cats on notice.

initiating vacuuming and deodorizing sequence.

has informed cats of their rights and advised them not to leave town.

is queasy from Arm & Hammer fumes and currently being mocked by both cats and carpeting. On to the soap-and-water-scrub portion of our show.

is AAARRRGGHH! CARPET STINK IS JUST LIKE GREMLINS! NEVER ADD WATER! RUN! SAVE YOURSELVES!

has gone to DEFCON ONE - carting my lazy ass down all those the stairs to get the Spotbot.

overheard cats by water dish whispering, "Steam cleaner, pfft. She's going to need an exorcism to get that stink out."

gives up. Cats = 1. Jen = 0.

can't believe that even with the aroma of pies baking and briskets... brisketing that The Stink Abides. Maybe something did die in the wall?

Now for the rest of the story...

What's funny is I really thought I'd never need the Oh, Holy Fuck, There's A Rat In My House blog post category anymore after moving out of the old place.  But something is clearly amiss in my family room as the stink lingers.  Our walls are made of giant, impenetrable cement blocks, but there's an opening to the outside via our stove vent so it's possible something could have gotten in.  I'd heard some odd clanging at night last week around the stove area, but I assumed it was the wind. 

Now I'm not so sure it wasn't something living.   

Also, I presently live next door to this construction (crime?) scene:

Not pictured: the ancient Native American man standing on my porch, a single tear running down his grizzled brown cheek.

Honestly, I'm thankful they've finally stopped jackhammering over there, so the mountain of garbage doesn't bother me nearly as much as you'd think.

As for stink abatement, I'm following a strict course of opening windows and avoiding the family room.  The TV's bigger in the basement, anyway.  Also, Fletch says there is no stink and I'm just imagining it.

Regardless, I've had bigger (filets-o) fish to fry this week because of the electricians.

* * *

The Tweets About The Electricians And Shamrock Shakes

won't have electric all day tomorrow due to meter repair. I'll be just like Abe Lincoln! I mean, if Abe had a BlackBerry.

already lost my $5 bet with myself on the electrician showing up on time.

has now been waiting FOUR HOURS for the electrician. But I don't need regular electricity because I'm about to go freaking nuclear.

unplugged everything so essentially I'm sitting here being all environmental (and unproductive) (and Bret Michaels-free) AGAINST MY WILL.

On the bright side, I'm sitting outside with Rush Limbaugh playing loudly. Neighbor scowling. Listen, if I'm mad, everyone's gonna be mad.

quivering in anticipation of waiting for the electrician again tomorrow. NECK PUNCH THREAT INDEX RED - proceed with extreme caution.

starting the "how late is the electrician today" clock.

is 14 yrs out of college and no longer has to have green beer today. Is also 29 yrs out of grade school, but still NEEDS a Shamrock Shake.

we went six hours yesterday before cancellation, so I'm hoping for less than that. (Right now we're at 20 minutes.)

is embarrassingly happy to see the electricians. Greeted themlike conquering heroes.

may not have electric right now but I can still boil water for French press coffee! Ha!

well, shoot. How do I grind the beans?

has officially run out of anything to do that doesn't require electricity.

would make a lousy pioneer. My manifest destiny is TiVo.

The city code inspector just announced his arrival by whistling and shouting, "Yo!" This bodes well.

Now for the rest of the story...

When we moved in, we called ComEd to switch the electric bill into our names.  Two months into living here, I realized we never received a bill.  Turns out our house never had/passed the city's final electrical inspection, thus we had no meter and could not be billed.

In the short term, yay!  No electric bills! 

But I figured the long term would entail a month-long stretch while our home's owner fought a monolithic utility company and we sat in the dark roasting weenies in a garbage can fire.  Best to get this taken care of before there's trouble, you know?

That brings us to Monday when the electricians were supposed to be here to install a meter.  Instead, I spent six hours waiting and being told, "Just another half hour and they'll be there." 

LIES.  DAMN LIES.  NECK PUNCHING IMMINENT.

Then, on to Tuesday when the guys finally showed up... three hours after the four hour job was supposed to be complete, I toyed with the idea of switching the breakers back on because THAT would certainly teach these gentlemen a valuable lesson about timeliness and deadlines.  In my mind I was all George Bluth, "And that's why you don't keep me waiting!" 

But I fought temptation, figuring that flash-frying these guys was technically a felony. 

Plus I'd never get the smell out of the family room.

The bulk of Tuesday's problems stemmed from my being too stupid to realize that I own a variety of devices that might have amused me (e.g. personal DVD player, iTouch, powered-up laptop, etc.) and I spent quite a bit of time sitting on the living room couch sighing loudly about everything I wasn't accomplishing. 

However, the bigger issue was when someone I follow tweeted that her McDonalds was out of Shamrock Shakes at 11:30 AM, I began to panic.  Could that happen here?  I feared my 36 year old St. Paddy's Day Drinking-of-the-Shamrock-Shake streak would be broken and if that happened, I knew of two pokey electricians about to get a serious neck-punching. 

At 5:30, five hours after the proposed finish time, the electricians left and I was free to pursue the Drinking of the Green (Shake.) 

Except every single local McDonalds was out of them. 

I know.  I checked.  (When it comes to Shamrock Shakes, I have that kind of time.)

So I bought a vanilla shake, came home, and added peppermint extract and green food coloring.

It was a perfect replica. 

The streak remains unbroken.

No necks were punched.

And now you know the rest of the story.

Comments

[mike k]

this is by far the funniest thing i've read in ages. add one part clown make up pix and this post was out of the park. j lancaster is gifted, funny writer. i am on advanced hold at local library for pip. can't wait.

[Michelle]

Shamrock Shake time starts in my world in February.

[Jenna]

I love the color! I think you look loads younger.

...and I hope you can take this in the spirit it was meant because that does not read like it did in my head.

[MsCellanie]

HA! I read "Fletch's coworkers' as Fletch's coWANKERS. Not that I know your dear spouse, and I assume the man is a saint, A SAINT I TELL YA; but aren't they all wankers at some level? Plus, I've been fixated on that word since bb posted that Urban Dictionary post and 'coin wankers' was one of the sayings...

[Jennifer]

I wanted to thank you for a perfect Saturday.

With my latest unemployment check, I went to Target and bought Bitter is the New Black. (I'm reading the books out of order.) Bright Lights is next on my list.

No one got fed.

The kids amused themselves all day and asked for nothing.

The house was SILENT and I spoke to no one for 6 hours.

I did not do one load of laundry.

Thank you!

[Denise]

I LOVE the Paul Harvey reference.

[Jenn]

Jen,

I know you enjoy Twittering, but I thought you'd enjoy some anti-Twitter entertainment.

http://current.com/items/89891774/supernews_twouble_with_twitters.htm

[Anastasiya]

Jen, your stylist could have suffered an arm spasm and accidentally cut off half your hair (crookedly) and you would still be h-a-w-t! Yes, this makes me sound like a groupie, but I thought you ought to know :-)

[Samantha]

I'm being told by my friend to whore myself out to you because I lurve your snarkiness and admire you greatly. I just started a blog and if you ever had a chance, I'd love you to read it. In the meantime, I'll be waiting until May 15th when you come to Atlanta. :-)

[Steph]

God, I love your posts! Being unemployed (through no fault of my own as determined by the state unemployment bureau), I now have plenty of time to read them. I loved "Bitter" and it especially rings true after my anaorexic skank run in at work. Whatev, she was just jealous over my shoes and purses! Anyway, keep up the great work and thanks for giving me a reason to laugh and something great to read!

[Annie]

I have two teenaged sons who drink a gallon of milk a day as well as eat $100 worth of groceries - EACH!! Gluttony aside, thanks for the neck punching guide, my boys now know exactly what THREAT LEVEL RED means!!

[Tracey Herrick]

Ok, that was funny enough to forgive you for not cross posting to myspace but still heartbroken you aren't coming to Phoenix (or are you??)

Btw- I thought I would attach a link to my blog about how I have lost over 180lbs and generally what a cluster my life can be somedays in case any Jennsylvania readers might dig it....I humbly post but feel free to delete if that isn't cool with you...

http://traceyslaughingstars.blogspot.com/

[Sheila]

God, I miss Shamrock Shakes. They don't have them at McDonald's overseas. Just another missed opportunity for bilateral cultural diplomacy. Those things could bring peace to the Middle East. At least for 15 minutes.

[LittleMissEnglishTeacher]

I'm wondering how I always stay so far AHEAD on technology. Like this whole twitter thing ... I've been twittering for over a year ... and right before I started student teaching I decided that I would give it up because it had my full name and I didn't want people knowing my full name ... etc. So, now here I am ... twitter free ... missing all of these HILARIOUS tweets that you are giving out like candy.

Dang.

Oh, and I blogged about you :)

[Lisa in Opelika, AL]

Jen, you are an inspiration! Everything you write cracks me up. I am in the middle of "Such a Pretty Fat" and am also in the middle of a diet plan and cannot stop laughing. I have a few suggestions for your "awesome workout treadmill mix"...
1. "Low" by Flo Rida
2. "Ms. New Booty" by Bubba Sparxxx
and many others. :)

[charno]

Jen, you make me laugh every time. I love the tweets and now love "knowing the rest of the story". I can imagine my dog sliding on the floors, neck punching alert levels and I HAD TO relive my youth this year with a shamrock shake. Looking forward to the new book. Keep tweeting and filling us in on the rest of the story.

[Jen The Great]

My best friend and I waxed her mom's kitchen floor with Pledge in like 4th grade. We were pleased. She was less pleased.

[Cynmothorn]

How does this neck punch work? As a high school teacher of seniors, I am always looking for ways to motiviate my kids...that don't leave marks! Ha!

[Andrea]

LOVE your hair color! Yaay :) What is this Twitter that you speak of? I must be totally out of it because I am Twitter-less, but if you say it's cool, it must be!

Can't wait to see you In SoCal!

[Jamie]

Dear Jen Lancaster,
Have you seen Paul Rudd on the cover of Entertainment Weekly? He is mighty handsome and capable of removing the smell from your house. Sincerely, Jamie

[MZA]

Ummm... Julie? I'm real sorry for your loss, but that was possibly the grossest post ever. Ever. Please everyone -- no more pet-dying posts. I don't like being sad & grossed out at the same time.

TIA.

MZA

[Heather@ Domestic Extraordinaire]

our local McD's were out of them before the Green day-had to go to another city to get my St. Patty's day fix.

[audri V]

One professional neck puncher to another (I call it throat chopping), your post was spot on. I am still in tears. I am really glad you got your hair fixed , as you are so pretty, and that cut did not do you justice. Who am I to talk, though? Poverty has caused me to wear my braids for WAAAAAAAY to long lately, and I am beginning to scare my children. Cant wait till u r in Atlanta!!!!!

[Emily]

I was indeed waiting for this post! I love your blog.
I will now be tempted to defy the system and have homemade Shamrock shakes all year round.

[MizFit]

youre a horrible influence on me. I need a haircut and yet am now fully convinced Id get a bad one. My last cut? twotwotwocutsinone.
I ended up with a MULLET and a weird feathered look and, no joke, that was 8 years ago :)
since then Ive crossed the threshold of SUPERCUTS only shouting: 2 inches straight off the bottom and dont f*ck with anything else.

Oprah is going to have a trapped in a timewarp intervention for me at some point soon...

[GOP Mommy]

Love the tweets, but the love the blog more. You filled in the holes and I feel as though I now know the whole story. Glad you are on Twitter. I only joined because you told us to, but I love that I can have a conversation with no one and not have to pretend to answer anyone either.

Good luck on the smell. I say try to backtrack from the stove. It is probably an animal and it takes FOREVER for decaying animal smell to go away. We had to replace drywall after the opossum took his last breath behind our bedroom wall. I do not wish that on anyone!

Thanks for the Shamrock Shake memory. Now I will be craving one until next year! Can't wait for the new book.

[Krissy]

I'm glad to hear the full story behind the Tweets I so religiously follow. And? I admire your creativity with making your own Shamrock Shake--that's ingenius! =)

[Lisa]

If you had committed a felony, then you would have gone to prison and had a whole new book about, making someone your bitch, shanking people, the best job in prison, joining a gang, several inches of root showing and how Fletch had to send you money so you could buy hair dye, etc. A missed opportunity there Jen. LOL, I for one would have sent you care packages and happily put money into your prison account. :-)

[Stacey]

I think your hair looks nice. I haven't had highlights in over 15 weeks (can you imagine!?) because I have been waiting for my first trimester to pass. Don't want the kid coming out with 3 different shades of yellow hair, ya know? Our go to pet odor remover is plain old baking soda... when it turns brown you know it has lifted the stain... give it a whirl.

[Adrienne]

i love that you make arrested development references.
you are still my neck punching hero despite the fact that you blew off raleigh for charlotte. ppffttt. have fun with that one :P oh and dont forget, we dont all use twitter so keep those blogs comin!

[Katy Finn]

Hi,
I've been a fan for about a week now, after reading Bitter... which I liked very much. So much, in fact, that I read it in a day (I didn't have much else to do, ok?) So, anyway, just wanted to let you know that you amuse me, and I have enjoyed your blog, but I wish you would log into MySpace already and accecpt me as your friend. Also, I have a Twitter account, but I'm not certain what it's for?

[Jenny Swartz]

For the stink: try something called Puddle Out. It's available at www.happycatsolutions.com. The stuff is freaking awesome--gets the smell out, animals don't return to the marking spot, and I believe that it does a MUCH better job than Nature's Miracle. If you check out the guest book on there, you can see that a lot of people who use it love it (and lots of those folks have shelters and such, so they know pee when they see it!).

Love the update. Cannot wait for the new book!

[Kellee]

I feel compelled to remind Katrina that men are not retarded so much as willfully ignorant. If he were to acknowledge the smell & puddle, he might also be expected to clean it up!

About a week ago, a few days after having had all 4 of my wisdom teeth out at the ripe old age of 42 (which, the oral surgeon assured me, was ANCIENT as far as wisdom teeth removal goes!)my lovely husband wakes me up from a strange but enjoyable percocet-fueled dream to let me know the dogs needed to go out at 2:30 AM. It took all my drug-addled willpower NOT to punch him in not just the neck but the balls as well!

Of course this is the same wonderful man who used to awaken me at 3 AM to let me know the baby was crying.

He has only survived thus far thanks to his great salary and excellent taste in jewelry.

[Melissa]

In a long line of fabulous blog posts, I daresay that this one might just be my favourite. You managed to accomplish what I heretofore thought was impossible: you attained the trifecta of "what's that smell", pantslessness, and neck punching.

Well done, my friend. Well done!

[Karina in T.O]

Awe honey, I can't even express how many times I have been close to code red on the neck punch scale....although me and my gals refer to it as the throat chop. On some days it's all I can do NOT to commit a felony. There's just a lot of stupid peeps out there, whatcha gonna do?

Also? I loooove the hair colour! You've gone darker it seems. The cut? Meh, a bit on the Farah side....but the colour is fab! I'm totes jealous. In order to give my honey one thing he wants in life I've coloured my hair much lighter...with the goal of being blond by summer, as my own form of rebellion though, I had it cut into a bob. The shortest its ever been.

Also, for future reference men are retarded when it comes to smell. My Kirk has literally sat in his office gaming online, while the smell of cat urine permiates everything around him, with a tiny puddle right by his foot. And as God is my witness almost every time he's like "what? I don't smell anything! Really?" With my response being "Dude!! Really!"

[Kim]

Well, that was worth the wait. Going to Twitter now to follow you. I needed the laughs as I too have cats/dogs that are insane. Not to mention a husband who truly thinks if he tells the cat "No sir!" in a really firm voice the cat will just stop and think, "wow, I'm being quite inconsiderate, thanks for pointing that out. I'll just go lick my ball-less area now." Neighbors are just weird (best friends own a "men's club" and they hang out in the hot tub after closing.) Hubby likes that. The only added stressor in my life is a sulking 12 year old girl. I spend lots of time in the laundry room yelling "fuck her" into a towel!!!!

[Becky]

I just wanted to let you know that the McDonald's around here didn't even have Shamrock Shakes...I was sooooo disappointed!

[megan canny]

Thank you for posting a twitter update. I dont use twitter (figure facebook and myspace is enough) now I dont feel like I am missing out

[Maureen]

Yes, while "neck punching" is quite a fabulous way to express your displeasure, I would also like to give you another option: punt.

As in, "I'm so going to PUNT the electrician if he doesn't show up in like five seconds."

Courtesy of my sister.

[Bad Kitty Kristi]

"Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold." Anyone know what movie???

[Julie]

NATURE'S MIRACLE. Used the gallon size of this when my german shepherd was dying under my dining room table (carpeted underneath) and having seizures every 5 minutes thru her last night on earth . . . she let go of her bladder near the end, and I used this stuff on the huge urine stain/saturated carpet, and it worked. Sad story, but true testimony for this stuff. It still being sold, what, 14 yrs later, so it must work.

[Heather]

It's official! I'm taking May 8th off since it's my birthday and you will be in DC! *HAPPINESS!*

[CC]

Sweet 6lb 9oz baby Jesus! That was so worth the wait. My friend Melissa called and told me you posted and that you made reference to neck punching.....I too have been know to make reference to a little throat punching....It is nice to know that I am not alone....Great Stuff...making me want to Twitter.

[Ritz]

I should have sent my husband over. He's an electrician and anal about being on time.
Unlike me, who is on Cuban time....(running late at all times)

[Julia]

Jen,
Nature's Miracle is the answer to any pet stinking problems! Works great but you have to make sure you saturate whatever it is your trying to clean. My dog peed on my brand new couch, not a little bit but a whole lot (still trying to figure out how that happened since she only weighs 40lbs.) and you would never know it!

[Kristin Francis]

Just so you know...I was laughing so hard while reading this that a single tear rolled down my cheek, which is neither grizzled or brown. Hubby-O-Mine always blames the cats for all smells! Have a great weekend.

[Dominique]

Hair is pretty and shiny and the cut, while it is a little Farrah Fawcett in a good way, is -NOTHING- like the pixie cut I received a few years ago. Instead of looking like Alissa Milano on Charmed, I looked like Beaver Cleaver on acid. Oh, it was bad, so very bad.
Sorry about the mystery stink, this is when I'm glad I have almost no sense of smell, that would drive me bonkers.

[hleakuhl]

I live in Virginia Beach and can you believe we have NO Shamrock shakes here?? I tried last year and all the employees looked at me like I had three heads. How I miss the Shamrock shake...

[Cara]

This blog makes me sad about the current state of American culture.

[Melly]

Okay, Pumpkin. I followed the tweets all week. My advice as follows:

1. Stains - use Spot Shot. Odor - use Out (sold at Kmart, Wal-Mart and probably any other -mart you can imagine). I have four cats, a dog, two kids and a husband. I know ALL about stains & smells.

2. SUPER glad you didn't commit a felony with the neck punching. While I would've looked forward to the blogs, tweets and books that followed afore-mentioned jailtime, it wouldn't have gone well for you, I'm certain.

3. Shamrock shakes: GOOD to know about that peppermint extract & green food coloring.

FYI - I'm in the middle of BLBA and you have me wetting my pants over the STEEEEEVE PERRY thing. Seriously. You owe me a pack of Depends.