And Now You Know The Rest Of The Story

I promised myself I'd sit down to write a long-overdue blog post today. 

When I finally did, I realized I have nothing to say, even though I've been plenty busy for the past few weeks. 

No, I don't have writer's block, nor am I troubled in any sense.  It's just that I've already told all my stories in short bursts on Twitter.

The good news is when you make a living getting paid by the word, it's not too hard to expand upon what's previously been written. 

So, because you've been waiting for it - at least that's what I tell myself - here are the stories behind the stories.  (With photos and everything!)

* * *

The Tweets About My Stupid Haircut And Neck Punching

wonders how we have the technology to clone a sheep, yet it's scientifically impossible for me to get two good haircuts in a row.

will consider it miraculous if I DON'T end up punching someone in the neck today. My aggravation meter goes all the way to eleven.

used a new anti-aging eye cream last night and now both eyes feel infected. Christian Dior, your neck has a date with my fist.

advises the Neck Punching Threat Index Level has been lowered to yellow, due to a better haircut and a Filet-o-Fish. Proceed with caution.

Now for the rest of the story...

 

Why would anyone give me this bowl stupid haircut?  Why? 

FYI, I'm wearing clown makeup here because this is from the day we filmed my Pretty in Plaid video, which is basically shot and cut like a movie trailer, only to promote books.  This particular video will include plenty of Breakfast Club dancing and my hope is it will be really funny, except for my haircut, which is obviously tragic. 

I had people in town for a few days last week because of the video, which partially explains my absence from the blog.  Also, I had to clean for two days prior to their arrival since I spent all my allowance on a stupid bowl haircut and couldn't pay a maid service.  (Bit of a false economy, really.) 

During the shoot we kept trying to capture a Risky Business-type slide across the hardwood, which Fletch would not consent to do in Ray Bans, a big oxford, and skivvies because he is NO FUN.  (Also something about him having a real job and not wanting coworkers to see him on the internet sans pants?)  Anyway, he's the worst slider ever, so to grease the skids as it were, I sprayed an entire can of Endust on the floor.  For the rest of the night, the dogs kept wiping out every time they got to the bottom of the stairs and I had to spend the whole next day stripping off all the greased skids.

The happy ending here is that instead of just complaining about my stupid cut for the next six to eight weeks, I went back to my stylist and she fixed it for free.  No necks were punched.  And that brings us to last Saturday.     

* * *

The Tweets About The Stink

going all CSI to determine the stink in the family room. Cats are at the top of my suspect list.

has located source of carpet stink. Culprit not identified, but dogs pretty much cleared; not capable of this kind of evil. Cats on notice.

initiating vacuuming and deodorizing sequence.

has informed cats of their rights and advised them not to leave town.

is queasy from Arm & Hammer fumes and currently being mocked by both cats and carpeting. On to the soap-and-water-scrub portion of our show.

is AAARRRGGHH! CARPET STINK IS JUST LIKE GREMLINS! NEVER ADD WATER! RUN! SAVE YOURSELVES!

has gone to DEFCON ONE - carting my lazy ass down all those the stairs to get the Spotbot.

overheard cats by water dish whispering, "Steam cleaner, pfft. She's going to need an exorcism to get that stink out."

gives up. Cats = 1. Jen = 0.

can't believe that even with the aroma of pies baking and briskets... brisketing that The Stink Abides. Maybe something did die in the wall?

Now for the rest of the story...

What's funny is I really thought I'd never need the Oh, Holy Fuck, There's A Rat In My House blog post category anymore after moving out of the old place.  But something is clearly amiss in my family room as the stink lingers.  Our walls are made of giant, impenetrable cement blocks, but there's an opening to the outside via our stove vent so it's possible something could have gotten in.  I'd heard some odd clanging at night last week around the stove area, but I assumed it was the wind. 

Now I'm not so sure it wasn't something living.   

Also, I presently live next door to this construction (crime?) scene:

Not pictured: the ancient Native American man standing on my porch, a single tear running down his grizzled brown cheek.

Honestly, I'm thankful they've finally stopped jackhammering over there, so the mountain of garbage doesn't bother me nearly as much as you'd think.

As for stink abatement, I'm following a strict course of opening windows and avoiding the family room.  The TV's bigger in the basement, anyway.  Also, Fletch says there is no stink and I'm just imagining it.

Regardless, I've had bigger (filets-o) fish to fry this week because of the electricians.

* * *

The Tweets About The Electricians And Shamrock Shakes

won't have electric all day tomorrow due to meter repair. I'll be just like Abe Lincoln! I mean, if Abe had a BlackBerry.

already lost my $5 bet with myself on the electrician showing up on time.

has now been waiting FOUR HOURS for the electrician. But I don't need regular electricity because I'm about to go freaking nuclear.

unplugged everything so essentially I'm sitting here being all environmental (and unproductive) (and Bret Michaels-free) AGAINST MY WILL.

On the bright side, I'm sitting outside with Rush Limbaugh playing loudly. Neighbor scowling. Listen, if I'm mad, everyone's gonna be mad.

quivering in anticipation of waiting for the electrician again tomorrow. NECK PUNCH THREAT INDEX RED - proceed with extreme caution.

starting the "how late is the electrician today" clock.

is 14 yrs out of college and no longer has to have green beer today. Is also 29 yrs out of grade school, but still NEEDS a Shamrock Shake.

we went six hours yesterday before cancellation, so I'm hoping for less than that. (Right now we're at 20 minutes.)

is embarrassingly happy to see the electricians. Greeted themlike conquering heroes.

may not have electric right now but I can still boil water for French press coffee! Ha!

well, shoot. How do I grind the beans?

has officially run out of anything to do that doesn't require electricity.

would make a lousy pioneer. My manifest destiny is TiVo.

The city code inspector just announced his arrival by whistling and shouting, "Yo!" This bodes well.

Now for the rest of the story...

When we moved in, we called ComEd to switch the electric bill into our names.  Two months into living here, I realized we never received a bill.  Turns out our house never had/passed the city's final electrical inspection, thus we had no meter and could not be billed.

In the short term, yay!  No electric bills! 

But I figured the long term would entail a month-long stretch while our home's owner fought a monolithic utility company and we sat in the dark roasting weenies in a garbage can fire.  Best to get this taken care of before there's trouble, you know?

That brings us to Monday when the electricians were supposed to be here to install a meter.  Instead, I spent six hours waiting and being told, "Just another half hour and they'll be there." 

LIES.  DAMN LIES.  NECK PUNCHING IMMINENT.

Then, on to Tuesday when the guys finally showed up... three hours after the four hour job was supposed to be complete, I toyed with the idea of switching the breakers back on because THAT would certainly teach these gentlemen a valuable lesson about timeliness and deadlines.  In my mind I was all George Bluth, "And that's why you don't keep me waiting!" 

But I fought temptation, figuring that flash-frying these guys was technically a felony. 

Plus I'd never get the smell out of the family room.

The bulk of Tuesday's problems stemmed from my being too stupid to realize that I own a variety of devices that might have amused me (e.g. personal DVD player, iTouch, powered-up laptop, etc.) and I spent quite a bit of time sitting on the living room couch sighing loudly about everything I wasn't accomplishing. 

However, the bigger issue was when someone I follow tweeted that her McDonalds was out of Shamrock Shakes at 11:30 AM, I began to panic.  Could that happen here?  I feared my 36 year old St. Paddy's Day Drinking-of-the-Shamrock-Shake streak would be broken and if that happened, I knew of two pokey electricians about to get a serious neck-punching. 

At 5:30, five hours after the proposed finish time, the electricians left and I was free to pursue the Drinking of the Green (Shake.) 

Except every single local McDonalds was out of them. 

I know.  I checked.  (When it comes to Shamrock Shakes, I have that kind of time.)

So I bought a vanilla shake, came home, and added peppermint extract and green food coloring.

It was a perfect replica. 

The streak remains unbroken.

No necks were punched.

And now you know the rest of the story.

Comments

[Kate]

I don't get what was so wrong with the haircut and how it could be immeasurably fixed without much trouble and for free.

However, COMBINED with the Izod shirt and the pearls, I see that my friend Megan would say such a seemingly feathered haircut could pose risks of looking dated.

But you manage to pull off the whole look so well. And have they ever come up with any classic items more sustainable than an Izod shirt and pearls? OK, an outstanding trench coat, maybe. But not much more.

Don't change a thing.

[Beth]

1) I love reading your Tweets and love that you explained them in this entry. Great idea!

2) The hair: Love the color. The cut, not so much. Glad you complained and got it fixed for free.

3) I've always been happy with slappin' a bitch, but I'm interested in trying out the neck punch. I'll let you know how it goes.

[Emily]

Thanks for updating the blog. I don't use Twitter. Between blogs and status updates on Facebook I am pretty stalkerish. If I started Tweetstalking you would have to rip me from my blog.

[erin blair]

i once (sad to say) promised my husband at the time sex if he brought me home a shamrock shake, it is that powerful!

[Jennifer]

I totally get your need for having a Shamrock Shake on St. Patrick's Day. My boyfriend had the wonderful suggestion of eating our Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies while drinking the shakes. Let me tell you, it was a wonderful minty sensation!!1

[Tara]

I am glad to see that you have not forgotten us "non-twitter" people and have updated your blog. Now I will not have to cancel my pre-order of your book.

Kisses!

[Cheryl]

Jen,
I spent 45 minutes of a 1 hour walk bitching about the lack of Shamrock Shakes at our McDonalds on St. Pats Day!!!

We are the same person...I'm sure of it.

[Julie Arie]

Hey Jen ~

I currently live in Champaign, Illinois by way of Los Angeles. I live OUTSIDE of Champaign in a small town (village?) of 500 people, roughly the number of illegal immigrants who lived in the house next door to me when living in the City of Angels. Due to the lack of girlfriends here (they are all back in LA) and the lack of decent shopping (also in LA - but ever so grateful for the great Target we do have - which by the way, after reading your description of Target employees in Bright Lights, Big Ass, I laughed so hard I woke my sleeping husband up, at which point he came downstairs to see why I was sobbing).

I have managed to meet some women I actually like (via Jr. League - the twin set, pearl wearing women - your peeps!) and in the span of a few days, your name and books were mentioned to me no less than half a dozen times ~ all from different women. My friend in LA sent me your three books and I've managed to devour two of them in the past 4 days.

Thank you so much for writing such wonderful books and adding to my days and nights (too much free time?) oodles of belly laughs, for which I'm eternally grateful. I have chosen to "pay it forward" and sent copies of your books to various girlfriends that always a good laugh and a snappy (if not slightly blistering) retort.

So thanks so much for sharing and I look forward to many, many more books to come.

A Fan Forever ~

Julie Arie

[sarah]

um...never heard of a shamrock shake. what rock have i been living under?

obviously not one of the sham variety.

[Manic Mommy]

You should have called me for the Risky Business scene. Mr. Manic would have done it but it would have come out looking like a Will Ferrell skit on SNL! He gets mistaken for Will a lot, especially when he's drunk on scotch. Also, you said your TV's bigger in the basement -- don't you mean the RUMP ROOM!?!? Bwhahaha!

PS -- Adore the 'tween Jeni in Pretty in Plaid! But kinda scared she woulda shunned the 'tween Stephanie for someone much cooler!

PSS -- Cocktails after the event next Thursday? I don't have 'school' the next day so I won't have to be home early!

[Sweet Herald]

And sweet Jesus look at all those windows at the place next door. I take it the style of your home is the same. Uffda!
Did you ever solve your blinds dilemma?

[Sweet Herald]

I look forward to viewing the video. As it was your Such a Pretty Fat video that turned me on to your blog.

[DodiM]

bad haircut aside - you look fabulous with your hair that color!!

[Bitter Jim]

Jen, you MUST check out http://www.fmylife.com/ It is fabulous and trust me, you will want to read while close to the bathroom in case you pee a little bit.

[Izzy Charm]

Your blogs always make me giggle and your tweets are great lol My friend and I were reading "Bitter" the other day and she turns to me and says OMG I bet we were some of those bothersome naked porn chicks she was talking about during her wedding weekend lol

[Peggy]

I LOVED how you expanded on your Twitters...I saw most of them and I felt like you were just my friend telling me a story ya know? Neat! <--- My Bobby Brady word of the day!

[MonsteRawr]

Love the addition of the pictures. Though if you really want to have fun with the pets on hardwood floors, spray a light layer of Pam. I like to spray our hall and throw the cats' ball to the other end; if they're really running fast they usually slide far enough to slam into the wall. Husband doesn't appreciate the surprise, but anything for my amusement, right?

[Raye]

Jenn - you have got to check out Christopher Walken's tweets. his id or whatever its called is "cwalken".

He's got some seriously good schtuff on there.

As always, grrreat post!

[Mary]

Loved this post! I can relate to The Stink. I live in a rowhouse in DC and we had a similar problem last fall. I was convinced there was a corpse rotting in the wall (hey, it's DC, you never know). After consulting a "rodent expert" (from the sticks of Virginia no less), we discovered that a um, rodent, had gotten trapped under a floorboard. So if your problem persists, call your local rodent expert stat! Although I truly hope the cats are at fault in your case because the alternative is very unpleasant.

[Badger]

I'm sorry, I died laughing at the comment about the Native American fellow on your porch and wasn't able to read the rest of this post. Because of being dead and all. Fortunately I follow you on Twitter, so I should be up to speed.

[Kuj]

This right here, all Mazie.

http://www.amazon.com/Preppy-Puppy-Polo-Shirt-Hampton/dp/B000FZ289Q/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1237495398&sr=1-13

"Hampton Green?" Not lost on me.

[Mr. Charley]

I released the contents of my entire bladder on my parents' bed on Sunday night after they tried to force feed me some nasty tasting pain medicine after I had all but four teeth pulled.

I heard mommy tell daddy something about the new mattress "just being paid off" and "pet odor and stain remover." Not sure what that was all about.

Whatever.

Look! Birds!

[MazingAmy]

Oh Jen. That haircut, just NO. Which you know. LOL

[Tori]

For someone who had "nothing to say", you sure came up with some great stuff! I will be laughing at the Stink story for some time to come.

[Kim]

Every time I visit this blog, I get a good laugh. I've started many of my friends, and my roommate, on your books after they sit there while I read and hear me snickering to myself over and over. I live on Altgeld near Fullerton & Sheffield, and love reading about everything in your books that I am familiar with. Can't wait to keep reading!

[Legallyblondemel]

Not to get all Pollyanna on you, but at least the old haircut tied in nicely with your 80s themed book video. Love the color, though, and happy to hear the re-cut went well!

[Emily Joy]

See, I've always wanted to improvise my own Shamrock shake, with a lil' alcohol. THEN you're truly celebrating the Irish way.

[mia]

Your great! Now we need the after picture because the first after picture... that shit was was not cool. What did you say to your stylist, a neck punch was deserved! new photo , please and thank you!
Also, its very farrah from back in the day but the color is fab!

[Amanda]

I think you make even a bad haircut look amazing. I love the fact that you are poppin' yo colla. Brilliant!

[Rebecca]

You never cease to make me laugh! :-) Thanks for brightening my day. I can't wait for the release of your new book!

[Snarky Mommy]

As for the funk, you recall we had the similar problem after the remodeling of the downstairs bathroom. Contractor tells me to wait a month, because if something died, it will take a month to decompose to point of non-funkitude. Gross. In the meantime, we painted the bathroom. To this day, the smell never returned after we painted. So perhaps you could try painting a spot in the room and see if that helps. Just call me Heloise.

[Tina]

Jen-I love you! If you were a man, I would have to have you. Please keep me laughing. Between your books, blog and tweets-I smile a lot more. Thanks for sharing your life with the masses.

[Amy in OHio]

All this talk of neck punching is making my thyroid twitch.

[Jessica]

It was even funnier in compilation form!!! Thank you. Good luck on the electrical isnpection.

[kristin Kaminski]

They used to have shamrock shakes all for the month of march! Budget cuts you think? Damn to hell this recession!!

And hey..Charlies Angels circa 1973 is WAY making a comeback. So, um, your hair will be TERRIFIC!

HAHHAHA...terrific! That musta come out of my 80's archive. GEE your hair smells terrific!

k, I'll stop now.

[Kristen]

Well good. I'm glad you didn't throat punch anyone! Your hair doesn't look bad but a question...Why do you always rent homes next to questionable sites?

The child/eternal couple who had Russian immigrants doing the dirty work

The place with all the anti-friendly gay neighbors and wolves

The place with the neighbors "looking" under other people's cars for their keys...sure.

I need to talk to your realtor.

[Shannon]

all i can think while reading your blog is the sound of paul harvey's voice as he says "and now you know the rest of the story"

love your tweets, blog & books =)

[Renee]

I <3 shamrock shakes. Except I completely forgot that it was St. Patrick's Day. Grr. Oh well.
As for phantom stink, have you tried using Feliway spray? It's a pheromone spray that you can use to get the cats to stop peeing where they're not supposed to. It comes in a spray or a diffuser that you plug in. Some people have good luck with it. Or you could try lavender essential oil. I worked for a vet that was very homeopathic and he loved the lavender stuff.

[paperdiva]

Now I have a massive craving for shamrock shakes. Like I'll ever find one now. Crap!
I have been feeling the need to punch someone in the neck lately. WTF?

[Rachel]

Suddenly I need a Shamrock Shake.

[Carrie]

Shamrock Shake was no where to be found in my area. I was P to the I to the S-S-E-D. I felt your pain completely. Although I was not genius enough to come home and make one myself. Maybe I will try one day. Kudos Jen!

[Stefanie]

You know what I appreciate about you? The fact that I follow you on twitter, so in essence I knew everything you were gonna post before you posted it, and I *still* laughed at loud. So thanks. :-)

[liz]

Consider your haircut an homage to the 80's.

[Account Deleted]

And just when I was craving some Paul Harvey...

[Alli]

OMFG - you are too funny. Note to self...please remember to refrain from drinking/eating anything while reading Jen's posts....Raspberry iced tea almost came flying out my nose reading this....you're awesome.

[shannon]

OUT of Shamrock Shakes? Why has McD's been so stingy on them? I have quite a few friends in IN & CA (worlds apart) that have trouble finding them as well. I can't believe we were out of them in the city! Thankfully, I scored mine at lunch while still in the burbs for work (near O'Hare). Know what makes them even more delish? Crumbled Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. Yum!!!

[KateWolf]

You're being waaaay too critical of your hair. I think it's cute in a good way.

My husband would totally do the slide for you if you would like to borrow him. (Is that too weird?) He still is looking for some white Capezio shoes to wear 'cause he's thinks they're so cool.

[debilyn]

You are seriously one of the funniest people in the world!! Almost finished reading Bright Lights, Big Ass (which is my first encounter with you)...and I've never laughed so hard in my life.

I love snark. You've got serious snarkability. I think I might love you just a little bit (I'll let you know after I get ahold of another one of your books!)

[Tara]

I couldn't get enough of The Stink! I tore my entire living room apart looking for a cigarette smell that my boyfriend swore was in my head. It was from a draft in my floor and the guy downstairs. One more reason why I hate my condo!

Glad you improvised on the Shamrock Shake! Hearing that brought me back to elementary school!

[Kim]

Hair color fantastic...cut deserved a re-visit. Hope you're happier w/ it now because a girl's gotta have good hair or all of the other services are for naught.