And Now, Something Completely Non '80s or Book Related

I'm spending the night Minneapolis this evening for business and that entails luggage.

Normally any time I travel, I lose all ability to make packing decisions.  I tend to find myself standing in my closet in my underwear at midnight, crying because I have to get up in four hours and all I've managed to stuff in my bag is a copy of Us Weekly and my two rattiest pair of underpants.

However, somehow I managed to be so organized yesterday that I had my bags packed and placed by the front door at 8:00 PM. 

There was no scrambling... no sweating... no crying. 

I'm not sure if the fates were conspiring or if maybe this is simply a function of having finally purchased a grown-up carry on bag.  Regardless, I was able to relax and enjoy my evening stress-free.

But it really wasn't stress-free. 

Where was that feeling of doom stemming from having packed nothing but three bags of Skittles and a girdle?  What would it be like to go to the airport on more than 45 minutes of REM sleep? 

Despite being completely ready, I felt out of sorts. 

I took a bath, but that didn't make a difference. 

So I took an Ambien.  And that helped a little.

So I had a glass of wine on top of it.  And that helped. 

A LOT.

Thus having achieved a state of perfect relaxation, I got into bed.

OK, that's a lie. 

Instead, I logged onto Twitter. 

Following, you'll find that exchange.  In it, I post a number of responses to questions I don't remember being asked.  And at some point you can see that I decide to badger Ashton and Demi, thus almost assuring I will henceforth be banned from their Twitters.  (I'm particularly intrigued at how I slip in and out of lucidity.)  So now, um... enjoy? 

is so organized that I have time to drink a glass of wine, swallow an Ambien, and trot off to the internet where I'll dispense advice.

Not that anyone has asked, but I'm here at the ready, or at least until the pharmaceuticals toss my ass in bed.

which, letsh be honests, is rapidly approchaing.

@MsKooler1214- I understand all the words in this tweet, but not their meaning. Am I in Cnn? Which this book? Am I the book cococachoo?

I bet @apluskNEVER chases Ambien with wine and then runs to the computer because he's all "professional" and shit. (He has people 4 that.)

@WeesnottDesigns- Within half an hour but more like a few minutes if you go with something sparkly, like Procecco.

Ashton's curing malaria? With what? Eric Foreman's dad's Datsun? Dude and Sweet tattoos? A big bag of weed? So confused.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

@WeesnottDesigns - Purple monkey dishwasher.

@amber_piers- I'd chose me, but only if I were Kelly Talor and didn't want to date old men.

@WeesnottDesigns - You's are lazy? Mine are always "blah blah blah business plans, blah, sustainable growth and solid P&L. My monkeys suck.

I would kill each and every one of you (well, not you jessedup) for a very small cheeseburger with a pickle and mustard on a itty bitty bun.

I keeed! I keeed! I would only rob you for your wee, wee (but not pee-related) itty bitty burgers.

@byflutter- I can stagger like a muthafuckin ninja. (Typed that wroed ninja weong but had the wherewithall the fix it.)

@figgybean- You say it like findifng my shoes (or my feet) is an option right now.

am getting al;l cookied up in honor o0f @moosinindy's biethdyay. She likes it when I gets slurry.

FYI? THis? Right here? Is why I was so poipular in collage.

Having a relazed sense of moreal turpitude didn't hurt either.

@mrskutcher- you're washing cars? Wowie, I guess the economy is hitting everyone harder than expected.

@millarde- Yegatory.

Just lost a bunch of followers. But if they don't like Sauvignon-Ambien Jen, why the fuck where they even hanging around?

@byflutter- I find collage rewarding, too. All those little pictures sitcking on top of each toher.

@HollyGhere- No but last week I orderd $4k of bedroom furniture. They showe d up and I was all SURPRISE! Oh, wait.

@RhiRhi- Neither, you'll end uip with three pole dancers name Tiffany shoing up at yoru place in twenrty minutes.

@kissieme- Pfft, not a rant. This is what I DO. Must remember to save this to end a chapter in some lateR book.

@GridironGoddess- And it's floral. What's supresad is i've had one wee ambien andone wee glass of wine. Fatasslightweight.

Glass emptyee pill digested, peanute btutter bpretzels, tastey, bednowyeskthxbai.

HEY YOU PEPIOLE ARE MOCKING ME... Not undesrrtverd, but still Mocking. I'll go to bed & be unpleasantly surprised whenb I log on in the AM

Internet = 1, Jen's dumb ass = 0

Godspeed, ninja. Am strealing that. Good night. Off to PotteryBarn.com...

 

The good news is there's no evidence of any online shopping last night.

The bad news is at some point after this, I had a run in with a can of spray tan.

This is probably why I never pack early.

Comments

[Momo Fali]

I have done this. It is awesome.

[bleh]

I wish every drug-addicted drunk slob in the world were on Twitter.

Oh wait. They are.

[Renee]

You are my hero!!
I am waiting rather impatiently for the release of Pretty in Plaid next week.
I look forward to the next memoir, as well.

[Andie]

This is hysterical!!!!

I have blogged after doing the EXACT same thing and it was the MOST hilarious stuff I have ever written. (Not that it takes much, mind you...)

Love this...

[Kristi]

Too funny!

This is totally unrelated...your puppies would look super-cute in these puppy shirts.

http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/inspiration-motivation/36-low-cost-smile-inducing-ideas-00000000011281/page14.html

I love it!

;) Kristi

PS I totally thought of you when I saw this photo!

[Lynn]

Oh dear spray tan - hope it wasn't Lindsey Lohan's sevennnntyyy ninnnne or whatever stupid name it is called....

[Karina in T.O]

Jen, totally unrelated. BUT I had to say it because I yelped in glee this morning when I spyed my order from Amazon.com. I got your book delivered today, baby! Can't wait to start it!!!

And forget this Twitter business, when the hell are you getting back on Facebook, sister?!

Much love from Toronto! I had wine at lunch, can you tell by all the "!!" ?

[moosh in indy.]

I dew do odd doobeedooobedoodo do lvs it when u gesst slrrry.s

[mike hunt]

ankle model?

[Lauri]

fatasslightweight - bwahahahaha - 'nuff said..

[Holly]

In a classic "how does this affect me" moment, I'd just like to say, "I MADE JEN LANCASTER'S BLOG!" *does brutal white-man overbite, how ye like me now, demented poodle dance*

Ahem.

That? Was possibly the greatest fun I've had on twitter! LOL Hope to see you when you do Dallas! Safe travels!

[Indytina]

I live vicariously through you, Jen. Savignon and Ambien indeed. I was LMAO while you were Tweeting that night. Thanks for the late-night laugh.

[Kirsten]

Twittering while on anything is dangerous my friend. :)

But also, I am VERY excited to see you on Tuesday evening in Birmingham! I'm bringing my mom with me who has taken my book of yours hostage!

[Erica]

Just finished "Pretty in Plaid!" (I found an advanced copy!) Loved every minute of it. Can't wait to meet you in NYC next week!

[Andrea]

I got those twitters on my phone (I have you sent to my phone, thanksverymuch), and I was completely confused until I reread the one mentioning a glass of wine and Ambien. That explained all... I think the fact that you ramble into the Twittersphere made me love you more, Jen!

[StuffMomsWant]

I just got a prescription for Ambien today. The doc told me it has a black box warning. Apparently you can get up and walk around and drive and stuff and not remember doing ANY of it. Hmmmm. Maybe there's an excuse for your shopping??

[Kimberly]

Jen-
What were you doing in MPLS? I grew up there, but live in Seattle now. Where did you stay, eat, etc? I'd like to reminisce!

Can't wait to see you when you come to Third Story Books in Lake Forest Park, WA!

[sooz56]

Fodder. It's all fodder for your next book:

"Tacky in Tan"

or...

"Orange ya glad you didn't use QT?"

;)

[Domestic Goddess (In Training)]

That is why I don't tweet. Never safe to tweet as a twit.

[EmilyRocks]

ok, Jen I have stopped myself from writing until now. You have so much more fun than I on Ambien. I work out impossible budgets! I, for the life of me, cannot figure out how to log on to the computer when on Ambien! As I am horribly bad with money, budgeting must be my kryptonite! Ha!
I with ya! Wish you were coming to the middle of nowhere MT! Just joined Twitter this morning.

[Beth]

Although, quite honestly I am a little bit happy that I no longer accidentally join...um...singles matching sites...

[Beth]

ROFL
One of the things my friends miss most from me being taken off Ambien are my AmbienPosts and IMs!

[Emily Brower]

Jen-

You should have let us Mpls-ites know you were in town, we could have found some fun to get into... although, it appears you made your own! I'm snorting at work trying to keep from laughing too loud. :) Also, not sure if you've seen this website yet... it's to die for funny. http://www.textsfromlastnight.com

[Heather]

OMG! You are my hero! Makes my "Drunken Heather Facebooking" seem normal!

I do have a moral dilemma though – my Husband now follows you on Twitter and he remarks about 50 times a day about how effing funny you are- DUH! (Remember Dear when I read to you almost every frigging paragraph in her books because they are the funniest things EVER?) So being the Jen Lancaster groupie was so my thing- and now when we come to meet you in DC he’s going to want to talk to you which would infringe on my Jen time. What to do?

[Trish]

I feel your pain. A few short weeks ago I was given a large quantity of Rum and Diets (double rum and diets - I am a champ). Co-workers (I work in Criminal Justice) told me they'd give me free drinks and a ride home if I agreed to let Law Enforcement Recruits give me field sobriety tests.

Once home, I went facebooking and sent numerous drunk texts. Still trying to live that one down... I just tell everyone that my hilarious drunken behavior is why they hang out with me and that they should just have another.

[Louann]

Best laugh I've had all day....No..make that all week. "Purple Monkey Dishwasher.." And I woke up two cats laughing at this. :-D

[flutter]

Godspeed, ninja. I still love you, even though you totally swiped that from me ;p itty bitty greasy cheeseburgers on the way. weod.

[Jenn]

This is exactly why my PayPal should be turned off at 10pm. Last time, I ended up with a Swatch and sweet pair of clogs.

[*gemmifer*]

You? Are hilarious. Keep your fingers crossed that no more Barbie heads are delivered from Amazon this time!

Can't wait for your signing on May 7th! I hope I'll be one of the lucky folks who make it to the front of the line before the night is over.

[Nickelass]

I can't tell you the number of LiveJournal posts that I've been completely mortified at the next day after booze and Ambien. It's all very, "Valley of the Dolls."

I once took an Ambien and when I woke up the next morning I had a new bookshelf and it was assembled. I'd been needing a bookshelf and apparently the bookshelf fairy visited. I still had all my teeth, though.

[Angela]

Oh Bisskitt,

Haven't we all been there???...stop worrying and just enjoy life!!!

[Vicki Propp]

My husband came into the bathroom this morning while I was doing my hair to tell me my blackberry was blowing up last night. After laughing so hard I started to sound like a cross between Miss Piggy and Ernie from Sesame Street, I have come to the conclusion that I love you Jen. We are alike in so many disturbing ways.

moral turpitude (snort)

[Dara]

Jen!! This is the type of post I've been missing for the past month! Thank you for giving me some comic relief during finals week!

[Zandor]

Wow. That? Was amazing.

[Angela]

I actually witnessed this happening, it was quite entertaining. I was still giggling about it this morning. At one point last night I sent you a message on twitter telling you to step away from the computer and asking if mystery barbies were in store.

[Mary Lou]

Last time I shopped after Ambien? $450 worth of fabric printed with SOCK MONKEYS showed up in the mail.

No kidding.

No more online after blue pills.

[Jess]

So. Ambien tossed your salad, hm?? That's awesome. But what cinched the greatness for me was the :WITH CROUTONS. Can't quit laughing!!!

[sarah]

Holy crap.

[Melissa]

Why, oh why, wasn't I awake for this?? I miss Ambien, big time - it makes happy thoughts! Like the night I decided to do a "photo shoot" with my mom that involved painting a black racoon-like mask on her face with eyeliner and using a shower curtain as a cape. All I really remember is laughing hysterically when I cleverly (so I thought) called the set of pictures "Mom-bien".

Ambien + Wine = Magic. :-)

[Sue]

When hopped up on pharmaceuticals and alcohol, you type like I talk. Can't seem to get it on the keyboard with my fingers but have managed to imprint keyboard on forehead.

[Kimmi]

Wow...your posts look like some of my best drunk-texts to friends...good job.

[Melissa (your bff in Dallas)]

I think I just peed a little in my pants from laughing so frik-frackin hard. You need to work in some wine drinking/Ambien sharing time into your Dallas schedule. We can both get on the internets and laugh ourselves silly at the crap we write :)

[MazingAmy]

see you say you don't like Dave Matthews (CD coming soon!) but this is precisely the sort of stuff DaveJMatthews tweets:

Purple Monkey Dishwasher

It's like you share a brain.

;-)

[Chrissy]

oh, so freaking funny. we definitely do need pics of the spray tan. what does your husband do while you are doing all of this???

[Kim]

You know, your Twitter hijinx made my night yesterday evening while I was on a Lortab/Killian's combo.

Even funnier? How many people snorted drinks out of their noses while reading this.

[buttah]

I never ambien and drank...when I was on it, I always had black out sex. I would somehow always get a feeling that I was naughty that night and later the next day ask my husband if we had sex, and he would always look at me crazy, and say yeah you don't remember....ummm no. And on top of it, I would have horrid nightmares. One night I dreamed it was my PAYING JOB to kill puppies. Who the hell dreams shit like that!!! Ambien is the devil as far as I'm concerned.

[Candace]

Hellafunny! Ambien and Sauvignon.....nothing better really. I turned into a dirty porn star with my husband one night....had my way with him and went to sleep.....the next morning he told me what I did......found out husband not such a porn star in his bed fan....who knew.

[Elizabeth]

I did wonder what the hell you were twittering about last night hee hee. I'm sure Ashton and Demi didn't block you .......yet ......

[Tabitha]

Let me tell you...I LOVED catching up on all your Tweets on the way to work this morning!! Was a nice preview to your book-reading coming up in Atlanta. I will be there...is B&N wine-friendly during these things?

[Pamela]

I do believe that this is why I no longer sleep well at night - I am afraid of what crazy shit "Sauvignon-Ambien Jen" will get into that I will miss.

Does this make me equally crazy cyber-stalker?!