Earth Day-Day (Which Has To Do With Seagulls Which Is Kind Of Earth Related If You Think About It)

As promised for all you '80s haters (please note the corrected apostrophe placement, thankyouverymuch), here's a list of every animal that has bitten me. 

Mind you, not all of them have made tooth-on-flesh contact, but if there was at least an attempt or a nip, I'm listing it here:

dog (seven times, all in the face, yet I still try to kiss every one I meet)

cat (Quinn says they're dangerous - how did I never know this?)

mouse (started with two after a high school biology project, ended up with eleventy million, thanks to the kind of biology the class was trying to prove)

rat (high school boyfriend's pet)

hamster/gerbil (aren't they basically the same thing?)

Guinea pig (same as above, only supersize)

Not so bad, yes?  Kind of typical of the bites you'd see if you really love animals and you're always trying to shove carrot sticks into their maw.  But that's just the (finger)tip of the iceberg. 

Moving on:

ferret

chinchilla

parrot

rabbit

Which is probably why they put all those "Do not stick your stupid fingers in the cages, you dumbass" at pet stores. 

Up next, I show my rural roots.  Although the bulk of these took place not in my neighborhood, but in in Petting Zoos.  Which in my case they should probably call Biting Zoos:

cow

pony (OWIE)

donkey (OWIE OWIE)

horse (OWIE OWIE OWIE OWIE)

pig (only mouthed me) (heh! dirty!)

sheep

goat

llama

chicken (more of a peck, but same concept) 

In terms of the great outdoors, there's:

raccoon (only a little baby, captured by another high school boyfriend)

an entire flock of seagulls (they thought my thumb was the Cheeto I was trying to feed them) (also why they post those "Do not feed the birds, you dumbass" signs)

pigeon (ditto, only with popcorn)

duck (ditto, with cracker)

goose (ditto, with breadcrust)

squirrel (ditto, with $11/pound Brazil nuts that I bought specially for him)

chipmunk (no food, he was just an asshole)

Finally, the exotic:

zebra (very similar to a horse bite)

camel (also like a horse bite, only he followed it up with a spit chaser) (I HATE CAMELS)

elephant (again, more of a mouthing thing which happened after I rode him at a very sad local circus and frankly, I don't blame him)

Also?  I've never had a rabies shot.  That probably explains a lot.

Coincidentally, this list encompasses every animal I've ever touched.  You'd think that after the first ten bites or so I'd be content to admire them from afar, but if this website demonstrates anything, it's that I'm incapable of "learning."

My theory is that I must somehow smell delicious. 

The more likely scenario is that I keep invading wild animals' personal space with my sausage fingers and it's miraculous I've not yet lost a digit.

Anyway, you Eighties-phobics can stop reading here. 

For the Eighties-philes, read on.

Have you guys ever been to Demotivateus.com?  That's where I found this poster:

This looks like a recent photo and my guess (hope?) is that the guy is attempting to emulate what made the '80s cool. 

But Polo-man is so very wrong.

You know what made the '80s cool? 

Why, rock and roll fashion paired with Flock of Seagulls hair, of course.

First up, Erin works the wing and the David Byrne-girlfriend-is-better-stop-making-sense-huge-shoulder jacket.

 

Little photo, BIG STYLE.

Next up, Marla (pictured on the left) shows us her swoop.

 

This was taken right before she was about to play her French horn while wearing Madonna gloves.  Bonus points have been awarded.

Shannon does Marla one better.  Not only does she sport a superfantastic swirl, but she does it WHILE DRESSED LIKE BANANARAMA!

"While dressed like Belinda Carlisle" would also have been an acceptable answer here.

So I guess I beg to differ with Demotivateus on one point... while you may be four-popped-collars cool, you'll never be Flock-of-Seagulls cool.

(And if you want to attract a flock of seagulls, bring Cheetos.)

Comments

[Jennifer Sweet]

This day and age rabies shots are not so bad...the first night...or day....you get a shot at the bite mark....and then another....the second one is the one that hurts like a mofo....then two days later you get another shot....then four days after that...then a week...then two weeks later....and if you're my son who thought the bat was a wind up toy he was taking away from the cats....you also get Cracker Barrel and a toy with every shot. By the way...if you ever notice a small wind up toy bat...well it might not be an actual wind up toy. Apparently bats just sound like wind up toys when three cats have him pinned down....

[Mallory]

OMG...the guy in the demotivational poster is my husband's cousin! I love that you have this on your site. I can't wait for the new book!

[Julia]

My Dog uses my thumb as his own personal chew toy on a daily basis.
On a slightly funnier note, my mom did get her finger bit by a sheep at the Whitley County 4-H fair when I was little (seriously, she won't go in those barns now -but that's more cause she doesn't walk down all the damn stairs)
Also, the elephant? Shrine Circus? I rode one of those. Scared the bejesus outta me.

[Melissa]

I was bitten by a bat...during the day...indoors. It crawled up my pant leg...crazy I know. I had to have 5 shots (3 in my back and 1 in each arm) and then another shot every other week for a month. Not fun at all but a truly hilarious story in the end.

[Yogatini]

HAHAHAHA! DY-ING!!!

Oh yeah, have a list myself- the most bizarre (though per blog not entirely unique) was the ostrich while driving through Busch Gardens in VA...sure, sure...feeding him munchkins out the car window was probably the catalyst (and possibly unlawful)...but dang, OUCH!

Later that trip I got to experience a snot shower thanks to an ungrateful llama...just trying to nuzzle donkeylikecreaturethingy!! Guessing I did NOT smell animal delicious...

Happy to share more if you ever do a "List of animals that have flung poo at you" post..."soooo not fourpoppedcollarcool monkey...!"

[Domestic Goddess (In Training)]

I wonder why the animal kingdom hates you so much? Do you go to the zoo and shutter with fear knowing that each animal is waiting for the electrified fence to go down Jurassic Park style and eat you like one of your lovely cupcakes?

[class factotum]

I was bit by a mouse (the one my mother told me to leave alone and I didn't and it bit me so I went to a friend's house to get kleenex to wrap around my bloody finger and how did my mother KNOW?) when I was five.

I had to have 14 rabies shots. In my stomach.

I have never messed with another wild animal again and even keep my distance from dogs, although there are other reasons to avoid dogs, like not wanting to have their noses in my crotch.

PS Earth Day is BS. I was at book club and the hostess' kids were being obnoxious and she was doing nothing. Then they came screaming downstairs and turned out all the lights because Earth Day! Earth Day! and the mother STILL says nothing! We sit in the dark for two minutes before she finally tells them to turn on the lights. Oh yay. The planet, she is saved.

[HeatherErin]

I got bit on the ass by a beaver.

I feel your pain.

[Sweet Herald]

Guinea pig (same as above, only supersize)

Laugh!!

[heather]

i wasn't going to comment (even though the whole post was hilarious and one of my friends and i spent the day making camel and chipmunk asshole jokes. well, not jokes about their assholes but jokes about how they are... nevermind) until i read melissa allen's comment. hilarious. reminds me of my favorite post on the fu penguin blog called "puppies always leave"

[JenVegas]

The llama at the petting zoo in Queens spit all of the food I just fed him all over me once, like 2 years ago. I was with my fiance and my best friend and they both laughed like hyenas and then my future-father-in-law happened to call and my the fiance had to tell him all about it.

That's my story. I'm not sure why I told it to you but I did. So there.

[Quianna]

I wasn't born until '81 so I didn't get to experience the '80s fashion trends. I do remember my older cousins wearing asymmetrical haircuts, door-knocker earrings, and gold rope chains, and the uber-puffy prom dresses with miles of lace.

[marci]

LOL!! You crack me up!

[Amy in OHio]

I longed for those overalls back in the day...still a little bitter I never got 'em.

[StuffMomsWant]

When you're dealing with seagulls, raccoons, pigeons, ducks or squirrels..throw the food on the ground! If you like having fingers. No advice about the chipmunk. He was probably rabid.

[Zor Isadore]

Jen - just checking out your site..

JULY 71 - good taste at such an early age, fab dear

AUG 85 - Pi Phi @ IU making it to May 87, I am impressed

Maria - the uber preps I grew up with would never think "popping" even one collar.. but they did do the polo under the button down. Popped collar equaled dweeb alert..

Melissa Allen - thank you for putting a smile on my face

[dbb]

Today is also Talk Like Shakespere day, ye saucy wench.

[joanna]

Jen

This is OT, but I work at a newspaper and we get all sorts of books in early for review. And guess what i found yesterday? Pretty in Plaid!! I've already read about 120 pages and ive been cracking up the whole way through. Young Jen is quite amusing.

[Stephanie]

Hmm, does a pony showing VERY visible signs of desire EVERY time you walk him around with some poor summer-camping 4 year-old on his back count as being bitten? I was 15, a CIT, and the older counselors used to come down to watch the fun. Maybe I smelled "delicious", too?

[DanceMom]

Jen, I have to say that you don't seem animal lover-ish except for dogs so I am surprised that you would get so close to animals in the first place! When I was about two years old we lived close to the Racine Zoo and my mom would take me there often. I had my little fingers around the wire of the aviary cage and a big eagle came down and bit my thumb thinking it was a big yummy worm. The first time I went there as an adult I realized they had a little fence around the cages -- yes the same cage was still there! I did just read in the news paper that they made a new aviary thingy.

I am not a big animal lover. I can't believe I have a little dog that I let sleep in my bed. I am sure I would love your dogs though! I never cared about dogs until I had my own dog who is 4 now. I had a pekingese growing up. She died 3-17-82 and I was devastated. It was St. Patricks day so I was wearing a kelly green LaCoste, black watch plaid (green & navy) button down shirt and a green cardigan (both from Lands' End.) With my matching Kelly green with navy monogram burmuda bag. (the kind with the button on covers) Some things you never forget.

Stay away from animals Jen!!!

Monica Monogram

[Patti]

It's wrong that I am jealous of a raccoon bite, it really is. They're so cute though!

[BeckyPie]

I just recently became a fan of your uber hilarious books. That being said, this post falls under the uber hilarious category and it reminds me of a story that I have long since repressed. This memory lies somewhere underneath memories of me in a bathing suit and the time my father cussed out a bunch of people at the Eiffle Tower.
It was summer...don't the worst things happen during this season(for me they do)? I was working at a camp that housed mostly urban children. We took them to a real dairy farm for ice cream. Many of these children had never seen a cow in person. Of course, I wanted to show them that they weren't as scary as they seemed and I sauntered up to a cow and began petting her on the nose. I then turned my head toward the kids and said, "See they are gentle and not scary at all..." Oh to have a camera at that time. I'm sure I'd win some mad bucks on Funniest Home Videos. Just then the cow bit me. That's not funny in and of itself. The funny part is WHERE he bit me (notice how the cow is now male? men bite...get it? har har). He bit me on one of my rather large tatas. That's right. He bit me smack on the boob. It HURT! Of course, both the children and I ran screaming from the fence. I had a bruise for a week and somehow the cows saliva stained my shirt. To this day there is a bite mark on that shirt that was left from the cow's saliva. If your saliva leaves stains on a shirt...well, too many things can be said about that.

Anywho, thanks for keeping my funny bone satisfied!

[kristin]

alisha...

i got the tasteless block too! glad to know i'm not the only one working for a crazy company.

[Tara Crosier]

In regards to all things 80s, if you have not seen 200 cigarettes (Paul Rudd) I urge you, many laugh out loud moments...also glad I am no one special, if people tried to correct my language/spelling/punctuation I would wig out, its a freakin blog, I'm not trying to get published here.

[Maria]

Re: the DemotiveUs poster - as all good little preppies know, the correct order is turtleneck, popped collar polo, button-down shirt with or without LL Bean sweater or down vest! I miss the 80s!

Can't wait to see you in Boston!

[MonsteRawr]

Maybe you smell like cinnamon rolls. 'Cause if you do, I'd totally bite you too.

[Michell]

Love the 80s pics. So funny.
I've been bit by a bear. It was a baby, some guy rescued when mom died. He was staying at the campsite my family was and I was feeding him doritos dipped in honey. I guess I was too slow. Or my arm looked particularly tasty.

[Stephanie]

So just in case you wanted to add some more animals to your list I happen to work at a marine park in San Diego. If you ever want to test out the theory let me know!

[Melissa Allen]

Someone needs to tell you this, so it may as well be a stranger.

You're in a really dysfunctional relationship with animals. You can't make them love you, you can't "change" them. You're such a pretty girl and have so much going for you. You can do better. Really.

[blackbird]

God - I've just realized that I saw FOS in concert. But, worse than that, I'm certain my brother had three popped Polo collars.
The shame.

[Tamara]

Once upon a time, I worked at a pet store in the small animal department. I got bitten by a ferret. ON THE FACE! There was this tiny, jerky ferret that would just latch on for no good reason, and she latched ONTO MY CHIN! My coworker and I tried to pry her off, sprayed a ton of Bitter Apple directly into her mouth, shook her and whatever else came to mind. Then she latched onto my coworker's hand - that flap of skin between your thumb and index finger. Seriously, it was all-out war with this ferret. I don't know how, but we got the wretched thing off and back in her cage.

Want to know what may be worse than being bit by an animal?

Try reaching into a pouch to get a sugar glider only to find your hand wet and notice "That's not pee!". Do NOT interrupt a sugar glider without first checking whether he is molesting himself.

[MsSrah]

*sigh* I miss Flock Hair.

[Nina]

I am loving the '80s pictures. I have wondered though why no one has mentioned Tretorns? I loved my Tretorns. I used to have a pair of blue and green plaid ones that I loved. Did you ever own Tretorns?

[jewelz916]

Your list resembles mine but with one difference....those animals tried to bite you....when I showed up they decided to pee on me.

[Jessi]

I was bit by an Ostrich at the Fort Wayne Zoo when I was younger... since then the only animal that tries to bite me are dachshunds (those stupid wiener dogs!)

[Shelley]

Another reason to not eat at the computer... I was doing fine until I hit the "Belinda" picture- Off to find the glass cleaner!

[Maureen]

Do you watch The Office? If so, you probably enjoyed the rabies fundraiser episode: Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run For The Cure

[Jennifer]

"an entire flock of seagulls (they thought my thumb was the Cheeto I was trying to feed them) (also why they post those "Do not feed the birds, you dumbass" signs)"

I was so hoping (in keeping with the '80s theme) that for sure, you were refering to the band her (until you mentioned the birds). It's a pitty, really, because back in the day, who wouldn't want to be bit by the lead singer of Flock of Seaguls!

[Jen]

Hey Jen,
Totally off topic and random but I was cruisin your Myspace photos and you always have on the cutest dresses. Where do you shop?

xoxoxox

Jen in Scottsdale

[Melissa]

You should also try despair.com. Awesome de-motivational posters etc.

[Stace]

Um, I don't think animals like you in their personal space. Lol. Since you don't seem to learn, maybe you can aim to add opossom, monkey, or otter to your list. Lol.

[Kris]

"your" not "you're" for ownership.... the grammar stuff kills me too

[Girl_in_Beige]

Jenn - Please find and listen to Sweetmeat by Pigface. If I could figure out to send it to you I would. It's all about being bitten by animals and very funny.

[Gia]

Have you seen Failure to Launch? SJP's boyfriend kept getting attacked by all the animals? Something about bringing out the bad kharma? Do I sense a pattern here?

[Lo]

chipmunk (no food, he was just an asshole)

THIS? made my frickin day. cuz i have an evil rabid squirrel that lurks my balcony and times it so that the one moment i step outside for a cigarette i'm all OH F#*$ bc he's, literally, flying through the air and twitching his tail making these weird noises.

my squirrel? he's a big effin asshole.

[Bonnie]

Hi Jen! You're list doesn't disappoint... but at least you were never bit by a small crab in the ocean when you stepped on it (on your spring break trip nonetheless). I bet you can't guess the phrase used for the rest of the trip...

[Shayla]

Hey, my evil cat bit you once! Tinkcom's a little disappointed he wasn't name-checked here, of course.

[DodiM]

One can only wonder how you missed your true calling as Large Animal Veterinarian?

[Denise]

There is definitely something ironic about someone who is a big fan of the '80s being attacked by a flock of seagulls ...

[Ann M. Pitman]

The WORST bite I EVER had was from a parrot. He would NOT let go of my finger, until he managed to removed that hunk o' skin from it. It hurt for DAYS. And yes, there was a sign saying "Do not attempt to pet mean, angry, finger removing parrot" and yet I did it anyway. I felt we made meaningful eye contact .....