Day (I Forget), The Post In Which I Fancy Myself A Physicist

A number of wonderful things came to be - or at least came into their own - in the 80's, such as...

personal computers

cellular telephones

MTV and subsequently, Madonna

the artificial heart

Michael Douglas (before he got creepy)

Tom Cruise (before he went nuts)

Reaganomics

CD-ROMS

U2, REM, and the Police

kicking the Soviet Union's ass in the Olympics (listen up, Commies, if you don't show up, you can't win)

Naturally, I have a theory about all of this. 

I believe that balancing out every achievement and advancement back then - perhaps due to Newton's third law or some larger Karmic force - there was an equal and opposite reaction.  The 80's truly were awesome, but I feel that awesomeness came with a price. 

For each victory like the fall of the Berlin Wall, there was a catastrophe, like the crash of the Challenger. 

Sure, we gained Robert Pattinson and Ed Westwick in the 80's, but we lost Marvin Gaye and John Belushi. 

While Molly Ringwald taught us about imperfection and attainable beauty, Christie Brinkley made us feel fat.

We cheered when Patrick Swayze lifted Baby out of the lake, yet Glenn Close made us fear a few pints of boiling water.

We discovered Aquanet but we used it so much we poked a hole in the ozone layer.

Bob Geldof brought us Live Aid, but only because of the famine in Ethiopia.

And I believe that these equal and opposite reactions continue to cycle.

Delight begets disaster.

And then fortune begets failure.

Which leads to triumph begetting tragedy.

Although, really?  Could anything have been more tragic than the ruffled, lacy, puffy-sleeved prom dress?

 

I give Shannon bonus points for the pearls and not being too puffy-sleeved, but I have to take them away for her stabby, stabby thumbnail.

Here Shelly's tiers may induce tears.

Jeff Daniels called; he wants his tux back.

Next up, Tracee is the one with "the tree sprouting out of my hairdo."

 

On the the one hand Tracee appears to be getting married, not going to prom.  On the other, at least the top of her dress isn't cut Starter-jacket style like the gal in the middle.

Kelly's dress is neither too ruffled, too puffy, nor too lacy.  And yet these positives are outweighed by the photographer's decision to pose them in front of a trailer.

 

Here's how I imagine this conversation went: "Kelly, honey, in twenty years Al Gore will have invented the internet and you'll want this shot of you, your date, his mullet, and this here wagon preserved for all eternity."

For this one I detached the photo but I can't find the email that went with it.  So this is someone's mystery prom picture.

 

If only I could find out who the middle girl is so I could congratulate her and her lacy, ruffled pals on taking the puffiest purple sleeves in the world to prom.

Oh, wait. 

Perhaps it's for the best the above is unidentified. 

Because Rebecca and her friends just stole the Purple Puff Princess crown.

 

I think we just discovered specifically who broke the sky.

So... there you go.

In terms of events having a never-ending circularity, I like to believe the sacrifices these ladies made by wearing those dresses are the direct cause of everything good and pretty we have today, such as Dior Show mascara, Starbucks, and the Twilight series.

But then again, it's just a theory. 

 

Comments

[Andrea]

I was one of those girls who had NO problem taking myself and my tiered dress to prom, without a date. But... maybe I should have gone with my gunne sack choice instead?

[Dina]

I LOVE your Juniper Creek reference. I can't get enough of that show. Weird...yes...but rivetting in it's way. Like watching a trainwreck.

[Shannon O'Neil]

Funnier than Cakewrecks! Seriously!

[*gemmifer*]

That last photo is date stamped '91, which just goes to show that the 80s were waaay too big and puffy-sleeved to be limited to one decade!

[Lori]

Fantastic, just LOVE these pictures!! I wore teal, lace and puffy sleeves as well and I had my shoes dyes teal to match my dress. Oh gawd! Sad part it was 92!

PS - Am/Was a fan of Dior Show, until my product whoore friend suggested Cover Girl Lash Blast! Try one, pick it up next time you are at Target!

[Gina]

It's called Yin-and-Yang baby!

In the 80's I was thin and cute, but had terrible boyfriends.

Now, I have a great guy and thanks to my daughter, 25 extra-beautiful pounds!!

[kari & kijsa]

Still laughing...thank goodness you did not find the one of me with a giant red taffeta bow in my hair!! LOL!!!!
blessings,
kari & kijsa

[monmas]

I am proud to be a part of the "mystery picture"...Although I look freakishly tall in this picture, it really is because the girls I hung out with were all freakishly SHORT. Oh, and the girl who TOOK this picture??? even SHORTER. I did not re-create a previous prom dress, as my best friend posted on here...oh the horror, wearing the same prom dress two years in a row..are you kidding? that was a bride's maid dress. my mother made it...why?? because i was not freakishly SHORT, so prom dresses from the mall did not fit me. I should have stood next to Zorro...I wouldn't look like the jolly purple giant. i only wish my mother had made the sleeves puffier..RIP Michael...we miss you!

[heather]

kim mc- i can't stop giggling at your comment. cool. lol!

oh jen, thank you for mentioning robert pattinson! i squealed a little at your comments about him and twilight. i thought i was a bad, bad (read: dirty, dirty) cougar for loving him so much. thank god i'm not alone. (i mean, i have read about the twilight moms so i know i'm not alone but you know, it's nice to know there are more normal ones out there. well...)

[Cara]

Whatever happened to all that talk about the ozone layer? Wasn't that EVERYTHING in the 80s/90s? Now it's all carbon footprint this and melting icecaps that. Meanwhile, coldest winter in like 50 years. Global Warming indeed.

[Bryan]

Zorro? Give me a break. Do you see a whip? I was just trying to "put on the Ritz" that night. Just trying to impress the ladies.

It still doesn't work....Zorro. Geez.

[buttah]

Oh holy shit batman!!! Jen, you totally have to check out Seether (an alternative/metal band)'s cover of Careless Whisper! OMG!! I currently listen to this genre of music, but any alternative band that can take an 80's great-y and remake it, and not butcher it, gets an A+ in my book! I still heart me some George Michael/Wham!

[Shannon]

Kim Mc, I cracked up reading your comment. LOL!

[Shannon]

Is it just me, or have teenagers totally evolved in the fashion/beauty department since the 80s?? I know the hair and fashion trends of the 80s are completely heinous but ignoring that, the personal grooming and style are just not comparable to the high maintenance teens of more recent years. Ungroomed brows? Not in the 2000s. Frizzy hair? Nope. Twilight-vampire-white skin? Nada. Everyday hair with formal clothing? Never. I guess TV and magazines have permeated our culture and done SOME good in the world, huh?

[Kim Mc]

"I like your sleeves" "Thanks-I made them myself" "Cool"

[Tricia]

I can't believe no one mentioned that ZORRO went to the prom with the unnamed pictured people! HELLO!

[Sherry]

The thing that has stood out for me in all of the prom photos is how normal everyone's weight is. Today teenage girls seem to be so much thinner. Think 90210 "then" and "now."

[Alias Mother]

Did anyone else notice that in the last photo, the two girls without dates are the most tastefully dressed? Are they the chaperones? Or were they just too restrained in the puff department for your average 80s high school male? Or perhaps they were a couple? Could you even do that in an 80s high school?

[Mia]

Baby's breath is awful stuff even in flowers so kill me that it's in their hair!! UGHH!
Dior Show LOVE IT!!

[MZA]

Anyone notice the red-cumberbund-scarf-hatband wearing his sunglasses so ironically? Looks like he knows what happens after prom!

EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

[shine (the artist formerly known as meshealle)]

I feel like you're possibly on the verge of inventing the real flux capacitor and building your own stylin', but time traveling 80s vehicle. Without Christopher Lloyd's bad hairdo.

[MonsteRawr]

That was oddly deep for the 80's. I guess the decade can produce something of substance after all.

[Rae Ann]

At my North Dakota high school, we had a tradition called Grand March where everyone got to cross the gym in the spotlight with their date. The whole town turned out for it, including my parents. At the end of it, my mom commented, "You and your friends had the only pretty dresses. The rest were just awful!" We were the less-is-more crowd. What I remember specifically: floral print lame, ruched up to display copius lace petticoats. Shudder.

[Mia]

Gunne Sax!!! I had my prom dress all picked out from the pages of Teen magazine. It was a strapless dress that was peachy/pink with baby blue ribbons printed all over the dress. If you read Teen or 17 you all know the exact dress. This was it, I never even considered a second choice. I went to Maurices (heehee) tried it on and the HORROR. I'm as pale white as you can get, except for the blue veins that show nicely on my SUPER white chest. They matched the blue ribbon print on the dress perfect. FAIL. I ended up with a red dress with white polka dots. That was also a big FAIL but at least the dots didn't match my blood vessels leaving me looking like a life size anatomy experiment.

[cheryl]

Thank you 80's for giving me Ed Westwick...well not personally giving him to me (not yet anyways). We need more Chuck Bass posts here....Twilight is ok too =)

[Emily Allyn]

I haven't read through this entire post yet, but your mention of gaining Robert Pattinson in the 80s made my day. I LOVE HIM.

[Stacey DuFord]

I hope you and your theory are applying for some sort of Nobel Prize equivalency award.

[Angela]

" . . .who broke the sky" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (i just snorted coffee)

[Kate]

How bad would it suck to be the two ladies in the limo going stagette? Yuck.

[Kristen]

I liked your Third law application but I also argue that this could be inverted...

Anyhoo. I'm again very grateful to the Creator for not allowing me to be a 80s teen. I just don't know how you could do baby's breath in your hair? Who thought mullets were a good idea? In fact, we need to spread the word to my home state of Alabama, Mississippi, and Tennessee that the mullet is now out of fashion.

Thank you Lord for making me a gen 2000'er

[Pat]

I could look at these photos forever! How funny teen ideas are. Their mother's are saying " why not look at this dress,dear?" So funny!

[Shameron Ahiers]

OMG - I totally wore that dress from picture #1 (the lovely concoction in teal and white with the hoops underneath) - however because my school was 10 years behind the curve I wore that dress in 1992. Yes, in 1992. My step mother assured me "it was the dress" because "it matches your eyes" - yet when I was mocked and left prom about 10 minutes after I got there I wanted to wrap those hoops around her neck and scream "I told you the simple black dress was a better choice bitch" Memories....

[Sean]

If all it takes is a couple poofy dresses to get us Robert Pattison (I know he's Edward now but he will always be Cedric Diggory to me.) that I say we need to bring them back. Think about what we could get next time.

[amy]

I am the mystery photo sender. FYI: Lisa (runner up puffy sleeves girl) is still my good friend and has wonderful taste in clothes. As I recall, she recycled her old prom dress to make this "new" one in Home Economics class. Purple, puffy AND thrifty!
The 5 of us went STAG that night (cuz we were just THAT cool)

[Meg]

The pictures of the ladies without dates make me sad. I didn't go to prom. No one asked me.

[Marta]

HeatherErin.. Your comments about the guy on the right in the mystery pic.. TOO FUNNY!!

[Michelle Smiles]

I love that she had a collar to turn up on her prom dress (the puffiest sleeves girl). I'm loving these photos!

[Shannon]

Holy cow. That's all I got. I just don't know WHAT to say about these looks.

[Dawn]

Shelly and I had the same pale pink prom drees (1985)...seems like several of my classmates had the same poor judgment.
3 pinks and a baby blue. My date wore a white tux too.

[Momo Fali]

I remember wearing peach, puffy satin to one dance, pink, puffy satin to the next and red, puffy satin to the last. It was a marvelously, puffy, satiny year.

[Kris]

"And by the way - no one mentioned Shannon Stabby Scarynail's date with terminal crazy eye. Poor thing."

I doubt she gave you the stinkeye that's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.....

Perhaps this is Katrina DeVoort's brother?

[Vivienne]

"I think we just discovered specifically who broke the sky."

Can you hear me braying like a donkey in here in L.A. all the way in Chicago? These were great. Love the mullet and trailer combo.

To MLB a few comments up: I totally noticed stabby thumbnail boyfriend's eye too! I also know better than to read this blog while drinking anything. Ever. Hope your laptop's OK.

[Chris]

All of these 80's pics made me smile and LOL for the last 10 mins of AI. My family thought I was crazy cuz I kept laughing while our man Matt was in peril. The pics really made my day and brought back great memories... all right, maybe not such great memories lol, but definitely brightened my day

[Jenn]

Having spent far too much of my life in engineering and science classes, I fully support this theory. It's the ultimate mass-balance equation, and I am willing to go on record as saying that we have Twilight because of political injustices.

[tracee]

CariZ, I had one for my First Communion as well. (I could produce the photo. Interestingly enough, my dress was ALMOST as lacy as the above prom dress) My mom was crazy for the babies breath.

LOVED the Starter jacket comment, Jen. You never cease to delight me. Though I was certain it was the lace gloves on the girl on the right that would get a snarkism.

[HeatherErin]

I'm so sorry, I'm going to lower the tone, but I cannot be the only person mesmerized by the Mystery Picture. Or more specifically, by the way the trousers are fitting the gentleman on the right.

Did he just hoik 'em up too high, or was he actually smuggling water balloons to fling at the pretty girls?

(Or was he gifted in a way that we may or may not wish to hear about?)

[MLB]

Okay, my fiance completely thinks I'm a dumbass thanksverymuchJen! Your comment about homegirl in the Starter jacket made me spit out my water in laughter (yes water - it's a "school night") and almost ruin my laptop. I heart her glasses. And by the way - no one mentioned Shannon Stabby Scarynail's date with terminal crazy eye. Poor thing.

[Stacey]

As a child of the 80's (born in '82) my favorite trends included: kool-aid suspenders, the one-sided pony tail, neon slap bracelets and shoelaces, pegged jeans and jelly shoes. I was too young for the prom dresses, but always ADMIRED all the cool, older girls who got to wear them!

P/S The 80's gave us Robert Pattinson, how true, and that may have been the best thing ever!

[Laura]

Oh Man! Those Gunne Sax dresses are just like the one my mother in law tried to make me wear for my wedding a couple of years ago!!! She wore it to her wedding in 1987 (with her mullet!) and thought I might want to wear it as well. Not quite.

[jrm]

Jen your comment on Kelly's picture was hilarious. Oh hell it's all hilarious, but that one was extra special.