jennsylvania

And Now, Something Completely Non '80s or Book Related

I'm spending the night Minneapolis this evening for business and that entails luggage.

Normally any time I travel, I lose all ability to make packing decisions.  I tend to find myself standing in my closet in my underwear at midnight, crying because I have to get up in four hours and all I've managed to stuff in my bag is a copy of Us Weekly and my two rattiest pair of underpants.

However, somehow I managed to be so organized yesterday that I had my bags packed and placed by the front door at 8:00 PM. 

There was no scrambling... no sweating... no crying. 

I'm not sure if the fates were conspiring or if maybe this is simply a function of having finally purchased a grown-up carry on bag.  Regardless, I was able to relax and enjoy my evening stress-free.

But it really wasn't stress-free. 

Where was that feeling of doom stemming from having packed nothing but three bags of Skittles and a girdle?  What would it be like to go to the airport on more than 45 minutes of REM sleep? 

Despite being completely ready, I felt out of sorts. 

I took a bath, but that didn't make a difference. 

So I took an Ambien.  And that helped a little.

So I had a glass of wine on top of it.  And that helped. 

A LOT.

Thus having achieved a state of perfect relaxation, I got into bed.

OK, that's a lie. 

Instead, I logged onto Twitter. 

Following, you'll find that exchange.  In it, I post a number of responses to questions I don't remember being asked.  And at some point you can see that I decide to badger Ashton and Demi, thus almost assuring I will henceforth be banned from their Twitters.  (I'm particularly intrigued at how I slip in and out of lucidity.)  So now, um... enjoy? 

is so organized that I have time to drink a glass of wine, swallow an Ambien, and trot off to the internet where I'll dispense advice.

Not that anyone has asked, but I'm here at the ready, or at least until the pharmaceuticals toss my ass in bed.

which, letsh be honests, is rapidly approchaing.

@MsKooler1214- I understand all the words in this tweet, but not their meaning. Am I in Cnn? Which this book? Am I the book cococachoo?

I bet @apluskNEVER chases Ambien with wine and then runs to the computer because he's all "professional" and shit. (He has people 4 that.)

@WeesnottDesigns- Within half an hour but more like a few minutes if you go with something sparkly, like Procecco.

Ashton's curing malaria? With what? Eric Foreman's dad's Datsun? Dude and Sweet tattoos? A big bag of weed? So confused.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

@WeesnottDesigns - Purple monkey dishwasher.

@amber_piers- I'd chose me, but only if I were Kelly Talor and didn't want to date old men.

@WeesnottDesigns - You's are lazy? Mine are always "blah blah blah business plans, blah, sustainable growth and solid P&L. My monkeys suck.

I would kill each and every one of you (well, not you jessedup) for a very small cheeseburger with a pickle and mustard on a itty bitty bun.

I keeed! I keeed! I would only rob you for your wee, wee (but not pee-related) itty bitty burgers.

@byflutter- I can stagger like a muthafuckin ninja. (Typed that wroed ninja weong but had the wherewithall the fix it.)

@figgybean- You say it like findifng my shoes (or my feet) is an option right now.

am getting al;l cookied up in honor o0f @moosinindy's biethdyay. She likes it when I gets slurry.

FYI? THis? Right here? Is why I was so poipular in collage.

Having a relazed sense of moreal turpitude didn't hurt either.

@mrskutcher- you're washing cars? Wowie, I guess the economy is hitting everyone harder than expected.

@millarde- Yegatory.

Just lost a bunch of followers. But if they don't like Sauvignon-Ambien Jen, why the fuck where they even hanging around?

@byflutter- I find collage rewarding, too. All those little pictures sitcking on top of each toher.

@HollyGhere- No but last week I orderd $4k of bedroom furniture. They showe d up and I was all SURPRISE! Oh, wait.

@RhiRhi- Neither, you'll end uip with three pole dancers name Tiffany shoing up at yoru place in twenrty minutes.

@kissieme- Pfft, not a rant. This is what I DO. Must remember to save this to end a chapter in some lateR book.

@GridironGoddess- And it's floral. What's supresad is i've had one wee ambien andone wee glass of wine. Fatasslightweight.

Glass emptyee pill digested, peanute btutter bpretzels, tastey, bednowyeskthxbai.

HEY YOU PEPIOLE ARE MOCKING ME... Not undesrrtverd, but still Mocking. I'll go to bed & be unpleasantly surprised whenb I log on in the AM

Internet = 1, Jen's dumb ass = 0

Godspeed, ninja. Am strealing that. Good night. Off to PotteryBarn.com...

 

The good news is there's no evidence of any online shopping last night.

The bad news is at some point after this, I had a run in with a can of spray tan.

This is probably why I never pack early.

Official Tour Schedule (Now With 100% More Times And Dates)

Bubble mini skirt?  Check.

Cut-up Flashdance sweatshirt?  Check.

Leg warmers?  Check.

12,000 neon jelly bracelets?  Check.

Electric blue eyeshadow?  Check.

Case of Aqua Net?  Check (and screw you, Earth Day.)

Times and addresses for Jen's '80s-themed Pretty in Plaid book tour?  

Ahem.

Let's try that again... times and addresses for Jen's '80s-themed Pretty in Plaid book tour?  Check!

Tuesday, May 5 - Borders

34300 Woodward

Birmingham, MI

7:00 PM

Wednesday, May 6 - Boston Public Library

700 Bolyston St.

Boston, MA

6:00 PM (note: the library closes its doors promptly at 9:00 PM, hence the 6:00 PM start)

 

Thursday, May 7 - Barnes & Noble

33 E. 17th Street, Union Square

New York, NY

7:00 PM

 

Friday, May 8 - Barnes & Noble

555 W. 12th St. NW

Washington, DC

6:30 PM

Monday, May 11 - Barnes & Noble

7700 W. Northwest Highway

Dallas, TX

7:00 PM

Tuesday, May 12 - Borders

3025 Kirby (at West Alabama)

Houston, TX

7:00 PM

Wednesday, May 13 - Barnes & Noble 

8725 Townley Rd.

Huntersville, NC

7:00 PM

Thursday, May 14 - Barnes & Noble

1701 Mallory Lane

Brentwood, TN

7:00 PM

Friday, May 15 - Barnes & Noble

2900 Peachtree Road NE

Atlanta, GA

7:00 PM

Monday, May 18 - Powell's

1005 W. Burnside Ave (downtown)

Portland, OR

7:30 PM

Tuesday, May 19 - Third Place Books

17171 Bothell Way NE

Lake Forest Park, WA

7:00 PM

Wednesday, May 20 - Borders (Stonestown Galleria)

233 Winston Drive

San Francisco, CA

7:00 PM

Thursday, May 21 - Barnes & Noble

210 Americana Way

Glendale, CA

7:00 PM

Friday, May 22 - Barnes & Noble

7881 Edinger Ave

Huntington Beach, CA

7:00 PM

Tuesday, May 26 - Borders

866 Rosedale Center

Roseville, MN

7:00 PM

Thursday, May 28 - Barnes & Noble

1441 W. Webster Ave

Chicago, IL 

7:30 PM

Saturday, May 30 - Borders

8705 N. Port Washington

Fox Point, WI

2:00 PM 

And no, you don't have to come in your '80s finest, but come on, how much more fun will that be?

Also, if you see any of the above information in conflict with what's listed at your local bookstore (e.g. event not yet listed for the BPL) or if I'm a dummy who can't properly copy an address, please me know.

Thanks and see you soon... in plaid!

 

Earth Day-Day (Which Has To Do With Seagulls Which Is Kind Of Earth Related If You Think About It)

As promised for all you '80s haters (please note the corrected apostrophe placement, thankyouverymuch), here's a list of every animal that has bitten me. 

Mind you, not all of them have made tooth-on-flesh contact, but if there was at least an attempt or a nip, I'm listing it here:

dog (seven times, all in the face, yet I still try to kiss every one I meet)

cat (Quinn says they're dangerous - how did I never know this?)

mouse (started with two after a high school biology project, ended up with eleventy million, thanks to the kind of biology the class was trying to prove)

rat (high school boyfriend's pet)

hamster/gerbil (aren't they basically the same thing?)

Guinea pig (same as above, only supersize)

Not so bad, yes?  Kind of typical of the bites you'd see if you really love animals and you're always trying to shove carrot sticks into their maw.  But that's just the (finger)tip of the iceberg. 

Moving on:

ferret

chinchilla

parrot

rabbit

Which is probably why they put all those "Do not stick your stupid fingers in the cages, you dumbass" at pet stores. 

Up next, I show my rural roots.  Although the bulk of these took place not in my neighborhood, but in in Petting Zoos.  Which in my case they should probably call Biting Zoos:

cow

pony (OWIE)

donkey (OWIE OWIE)

horse (OWIE OWIE OWIE OWIE)

pig (only mouthed me) (heh! dirty!)

sheep

goat

llama

chicken (more of a peck, but same concept) 

In terms of the great outdoors, there's:

raccoon (only a little baby, captured by another high school boyfriend)

an entire flock of seagulls (they thought my thumb was the Cheeto I was trying to feed them) (also why they post those "Do not feed the birds, you dumbass" signs)

pigeon (ditto, only with popcorn)

duck (ditto, with cracker)

goose (ditto, with breadcrust)

squirrel (ditto, with $11/pound Brazil nuts that I bought specially for him)

chipmunk (no food, he was just an asshole)

Finally, the exotic:

zebra (very similar to a horse bite)

camel (also like a horse bite, only he followed it up with a spit chaser) (I HATE CAMELS)

elephant (again, more of a mouthing thing which happened after I rode him at a very sad local circus and frankly, I don't blame him)

Also?  I've never had a rabies shot.  That probably explains a lot.

Coincidentally, this list encompasses every animal I've ever touched.  You'd think that after the first ten bites or so I'd be content to admire them from afar, but if this website demonstrates anything, it's that I'm incapable of "learning."

My theory is that I must somehow smell delicious. 

The more likely scenario is that I keep invading wild animals' personal space with my sausage fingers and it's miraculous I've not yet lost a digit.

Anyway, you Eighties-phobics can stop reading here. 

For the Eighties-philes, read on.

Have you guys ever been to Demotivateus.com?  That's where I found this poster:

This looks like a recent photo and my guess (hope?) is that the guy is attempting to emulate what made the '80s cool. 

But Polo-man is so very wrong.

You know what made the '80s cool? 

Why, rock and roll fashion paired with Flock of Seagulls hair, of course.

First up, Erin works the wing and the David Byrne-girlfriend-is-better-stop-making-sense-huge-shoulder jacket.

 

Little photo, BIG STYLE.

Next up, Marla (pictured on the left) shows us her swoop.

 

This was taken right before she was about to play her French horn while wearing Madonna gloves.  Bonus points have been awarded.

Shannon does Marla one better.  Not only does she sport a superfantastic swirl, but she does it WHILE DRESSED LIKE BANANARAMA!

"While dressed like Belinda Carlisle" would also have been an acceptable answer here.

So I guess I beg to differ with Demotivateus on one point... while you may be four-popped-collars cool, you'll never be Flock-of-Seagulls cool.

(And if you want to attract a flock of seagulls, bring Cheetos.)

It's Day Whatever I Say It Is, Alright?

A few of you have voiced your displeasure at it being all 80's all month around here, which... OK, I get it.

I don't agree, but I get it.

Not every single one of you thought the 80's were the greatest decade to exist forever and ever, amen.  If you were a toddler back then, or if hearing Duran Duran gives you flashbacks of being thirteen and getting your p-e-r-i-o-d in the middle of geography class, I can see how this month is less "celebration" and more "painful memory."

The handful of you did ask me nicely to cease and desist and I respect that.  Yeah, I write what I want, but I only have an audience as long as I write what you want, too.  So I listened.  (FYI, I deleted the responses you guys put on the website as fights in the comments section make me stabby and I do not want to have to turn this car around, missy!)  

Anyway, for those of you who aren't into it, I'm going to post something random and non-decade specific in front of the 80's entries for the rest of the month.

Today's moment of I-Love-the-Double-Oughts zen is brought to you by my BFF Stacey Ballis.  She has a message for all who voted for her in the cocktail contest.  Plus, she's going to start telling one of the funniest stories I ever heard on her spankin' new blog.  The best part is the story isn't quite over yet so there's a Truman-show "how's it going to end" quality to it which I LOVE. 

You go read and enjoy her funny stories from this decade, while I share a dirty secret with the rest of the class. 

I did something yesterday I swore I'd never do again.

The day started out normally.  Fletch and I indulged in our usual Sunday ritual of hanging out and having coffee.  We sipped and chatted until it was time for me to get ready to attend an afternoon book club.  I always pay special attention to grooming for these things so I spent an inordinate amount of time on my hair, curing and blowing and spraying the perfect style.  All my products have been personally recommended by my salon and leading fashion magazines, so I walked confidently into the inclement weather, steadfast in my belief that my 'do would do.

I went to the book club and had a lovely time.  Between driving and parking in garages, I was only exposed to the elements for approximately thirty umbrella-covered seconds, yet when I glanced in the mirror upon arriving home, I didn't see my artfully fluffed coif. 

Instead, perched upon my head, I saw the pelt of something long dead.

My product had failed me. 

How it is possible to live in an age where a satellite tells my car how to get to book club, yet I can't find a hairspray that keeps my bangs smooth?

I pondered this dilemma while re-doing my hair in bathroom mirror.  As I straightened and fretted, Fletch asked me to bring out another roll of paper towels.  I reached in the bath's storage closet and when I pulled out the towels, I knocked over a bottle of Pine Sol.  When I bent to right it, something caught my eye.

A soothingly familiar white bottle gleamed from the darkness of the closet. 

I leaned in closer and grabbed hold of what had been given to me as a joke at my 80's party in January... an aerosol can of Aqua Net. 

I examined it in the light, turning it back and forth in my hand.  I gave the crusted old nozzle a tentative push and was shocked to see its contents spray forth freely and evenly. 

Hmm. 

I pumped it again with the same results.  A solid mist formed, and interestingly enough, it didn't have that spilled-nail-polish-remover smell that used to twist my stomach.

I squirted it one more time, remembering all the good hair days Aqua Net provided before I got pretentious, calling "hair spray" product and eschewing the drug store for the salon.

I wondered, could the recent butt of all my 80's jokes still have some value?

Shading my face with my hand, I decided to find out.

I sprayed and sprayed and sprayed.

My smooth bangs stayed and stayed and stayed.

Then I went out to dinner and stood in the rain for ten minutes saying goodnight to my girlfriends.  When I got home I went directly to the mirror. 

And you know what? 

AQUA NET STILL WORKS.

So this week (and for those of you who continue to dig the 80's tribue) we're going to honor that which defined us in our... SALUTE TO SPRAYED HAIR!

 

Tiandra loses a couple of points because the sides could be wider, but gains them in length and dedication to curl.

 

Christie's 'do is an idea specimen of the proper length-to-width ratio, however this was shot in 1991 so I can only award partial credit.

In an ironic twist, Dani's hair could cut you.

And today's winner of the Aqua Net Lifetime Achievement Award...

  

Kelly!  (Laugh all you want, but personally I'd have killed for that volume back in the day.) 

Coming tomorrow (for those of you who are into it), a flock of seagulls styles.  And speaking of seagulls (for those of you who aren't into the 80's) I'm going to provide the definitive list of every animal that's ever bitten me.  (It's more extensive than you'd think.)

As for me, I've got a book club to get ready for this evening. 

I'll be using the GPS system to get there... and generous amount of Aqua Net.

Let's Just Call It Day Sixteen, OK?

Sometimes I'm wrong, despite my utter conviction that I'm right.

(I planned on putting clever examples here about times I was mistaken but I just called Fletch and asked him and his direct quote was, "I can't recall a time recently when you were wrong.") 

(Which doesn't do a lot for the idea I was attempting to illustrate, despite this being a valuable admission that I will certainly file away for future use.)

(Or maybe he was just busy when he picked up the phone and cared not to engage me?)

ANYWAY, I was wrong yesterday. 

There IS something more tragic than the garden-variety, puffy-sleeved, lacy, ruffled prom dress.  And I didn't even realize it until I re-read a photo caption from repeat offender Maureen who brings Big Love into the equation.  Here's what she had to say: 

"I'm not sure why we all did the Southern Belle thing—it wasn't the theme. I am in the first row, bottom left. You can't tell from the photo but my dress was pink and white stripped. My friend Michelle, behind me, looks like a she's ready to be someone's Sister Wife."

 

You know it's tragic when Little Miss Red Ribbon Trim doesn't even garner a second look.

Next, here's Lori who appears to be delighted to attend the Joy Book mixer at Juniper Creek.

 

"Golly, I hope Bill Hendrickson's here!"

And then there's Jodi.  She says her area of concern was prom-ing it with her date Napoleon Dynamite.

 

Hey, Jodi, cheer up!  At least he's not Roman Grant.

Point?  I was mistaken. 

Because when I remember specific items from 80's and think, 'There can't possible be a worse look,' there's always a worse look... am I right, Shannon?

 

"Right, Jen."

 

Day (I Forget), The Post In Which I Fancy Myself A Physicist

A number of wonderful things came to be - or at least came into their own - in the 80's, such as...

personal computers

cellular telephones

MTV and subsequently, Madonna

the artificial heart

Michael Douglas (before he got creepy)

Tom Cruise (before he went nuts)

Reaganomics

CD-ROMS

U2, REM, and the Police

kicking the Soviet Union's ass in the Olympics (listen up, Commies, if you don't show up, you can't win)

Naturally, I have a theory about all of this. 

I believe that balancing out every achievement and advancement back then - perhaps due to Newton's third law or some larger Karmic force - there was an equal and opposite reaction.  The 80's truly were awesome, but I feel that awesomeness came with a price. 

For each victory like the fall of the Berlin Wall, there was a catastrophe, like the crash of the Challenger. 

Sure, we gained Robert Pattinson and Ed Westwick in the 80's, but we lost Marvin Gaye and John Belushi. 

While Molly Ringwald taught us about imperfection and attainable beauty, Christie Brinkley made us feel fat.

We cheered when Patrick Swayze lifted Baby out of the lake, yet Glenn Close made us fear a few pints of boiling water.

We discovered Aquanet but we used it so much we poked a hole in the ozone layer.

Bob Geldof brought us Live Aid, but only because of the famine in Ethiopia.

And I believe that these equal and opposite reactions continue to cycle.

Delight begets disaster.

And then fortune begets failure.

Which leads to triumph begetting tragedy.

Although, really?  Could anything have been more tragic than the ruffled, lacy, puffy-sleeved prom dress?

 

I give Shannon bonus points for the pearls and not being too puffy-sleeved, but I have to take them away for her stabby, stabby thumbnail.

Here Shelly's tiers may induce tears.

Jeff Daniels called; he wants his tux back.

Next up, Tracee is the one with "the tree sprouting out of my hairdo."

 

On the the one hand Tracee appears to be getting married, not going to prom.  On the other, at least the top of her dress isn't cut Starter-jacket style like the gal in the middle.

Kelly's dress is neither too ruffled, too puffy, nor too lacy.  And yet these positives are outweighed by the photographer's decision to pose them in front of a trailer.

 

Here's how I imagine this conversation went: "Kelly, honey, in twenty years Al Gore will have invented the internet and you'll want this shot of you, your date, his mullet, and this here wagon preserved for all eternity."

For this one I detached the photo but I can't find the email that went with it.  So this is someone's mystery prom picture.

 

If only I could find out who the middle girl is so I could congratulate her and her lacy, ruffled pals on taking the puffiest purple sleeves in the world to prom.

Oh, wait. 

Perhaps it's for the best the above is unidentified. 

Because Rebecca and her friends just stole the Purple Puff Princess crown.

 

I think we just discovered specifically who broke the sky.

So... there you go.

In terms of events having a never-ending circularity, I like to believe the sacrifices these ladies made by wearing those dresses are the direct cause of everything good and pretty we have today, such as Dior Show mascara, Starbucks, and the Twilight series.

But then again, it's just a theory. 

 

The 80's Loves You Right Back

The contest is over and I've finally finished reading all 118 pages of your entries.

The good news is with the caliber of your answers, I could see every single one of you working on a VH1 I Love the 80's special.

The bad news is I could only choose a few winners.  (Also, I completely suck at coming up with any contest that can be considered "quick.")

Anyway, here in no particular order are the five winning sentences...

"Because nothing defines my 80's like six college freshmen readying themselves post happy hour/pre-night out, showering side by side (separate stalls of course) with individual copies of the lyrics to Paradise by the Dashboard Light in Ziploc bags affixed with rubber bands, dangling from the shower head so we can all sing IN UNISON to the cranking boom box... STOP RIGHT THERE!!"  - Margaret Saylor

"Despite the nagging fear someone might "push the button" and annihilate the world as we knew it before I could save up enough babysitting money for a pair of Guess jeans, it was really the only decade where it was OK to fantasize about Scott Baio living in the basement."  - Mary

"At one magical point in the 80's my butt and my head were the same size."  - Kristina

"With two plastic swords and a few Fruit Roll-Ups, my brother and I defended out suburban NJ neighborhood from the likes of Skeletor, Gargamel, and Serpentor."  - Kate

"It isn't just nostalgia that makes me think the 80's were a more innocent time; back then Michael Jackson wore one glove because he was the coolest guy on the planet, not because he was up to something with Vaseline." - Texie

HOWEVER, after I picked these there were a couple more entries I couldn't stop smiling about.  So I'm giving away my entire cache of audio books and the following are also winners...

"If anyone had high cholesterol, ADD, HPV, erectile dysfunction, an overactive bladder, herpes, or restless leg fucking syndrome, we didn't speak of it during commercial breaks in Falcon Crest."  - K.C.

"There is a picture of the Breakfast Club crew on my MySpace page while there are no pictures of my family."  - Anna

"The 80's evolved from a Lacoste-wearing Preppy Handbook worshipper to a miniskirt Go-Go's girl turned into a big-haired Guns N' Roses fan, all in a single decade."  - Julie

Everyone, thanks for playing along - your answers were fab! 

For you eight winners, please email me at jenwritesbooks (at) gmail (dot) com with a full name and an address where I can send these.  (I'll ship Thursday because I'm not going to be the asshole in line at the post office on April 15 tomorrow like I was last year.)  Also, if you have a website you'd like me to link to your name on this post, please include that, too.  (Oh, and I'm planning to remove the plastic outer-wrap so I can sign them.  If you want your copy still in the package, let me know.)

And that's it.

So, until tomorrow when I finally post the damn prom photos... party on, dudes!

118

Audio book contest results will be announced later today. 

They would be sooner today, except I just cut and pasted all the entries onto a Word document and they're 118 pages long... so... I'll post as soon as I finish reading.

Thanks to everyone who played along at home!

While you wait, please enjoy one of my formal dance photos.

 

I love how my dress says 'Scarlett O'Hara,' yet my eyes say 'help me.'"

Day Ten Is The New Day Nine

Today we celebrate this oft forgotten trend of the 80's... the drop-waisted dress. 

I was a big fan of the drop-waisted dress.  I wore them all the time.  (I have no clue why.) 

Who came up with this look anyway? 

What went through their minds in the design process? 

"Hey, we should create a style that completely disregards the more traditional aspects of a woman's figure, like the bustline and the waist.  How about we tear a page from children's fashion and instead of emphasizing an hourglass figure, we make everyone a giant rectangle?  And?  And!  We can gather all the fabric at the hips for maximum boxiness!  Yes!  Genius!!" 

Here's a not-me Jennifer at her high school graduation.  Jennifer was, "So enamored by my dress that I had to remove my gown ASAP to show it off.  I swear, I wore that drop-waisted number until the elastic crumbled."

 

"Laugh all you want; I still look pretty.  And at least I'm not wearing the first ever pair of man-pris like the dude behind us."

Next up, Cindy sent me this shot of her prom in 1986.  She's the second one from the left in the back.  However, she's not the area of concern in this photo.  (I remember seeing the subtle pink and white stripes of that dress in stores.  I loved that dress.  I'd have cut you for that dress.) 

Frankly, I'm more interested in the girl to Cindy's right who's sporting the drop-waisted, semi-formal sailor suit.

 

"No, no, no.  When I get married, I'm going to wear a sailor suit, but it's going to be a gown, and all my bridesmaids are going to wear sailor hats... with veils."

Finally, this is Ginny.  (Follow her on Twitter @GinZone.)  Ginny sent me this photo with the explanation that it was taken the day she left for her AA flight attendant training.  Coincidentally, this was also the height of her Princess Diana wannabe phase.

 

My favorite part of this picture? 

It's not the outstanding example of drop-waistedness... the bell sleeves... the herculean hip bow.

Rather, I adore this shot because it looks like she's going to prom with the plane.

Anyway, that's it for today.  I'm taking a posting break for Easter weekend until Monday, so if you're not too busy coloring eggs or ordering Chinese food and going to movies or dressing your kids in their own drop-waisted dresses, I'd love to see your 80's.   

Send them to showmeyour80s@gmail.com! 

P.S.  I'm still working on the Prom II, Revenge of the Ruffle post.

P.P.S.  Don't forget, the audio book contest ends Monday!

Day Nine...

is being tacked onto Day Ten.  I had my stupid eyes dilated today and looking at the computer is still making me all oogy nine hours later.

For those of you who keep up with me on Twitter, last week I mentioned I thought my canine teeth were getting longer and speculated my Twilight/True Blood obsession was turning me into a psychosomatic vampire. 

Flash forward to today when my dentist commented on how big and pointy they were.

Is it wrong that I was oddly flattered? 

"It's Called Being Organized"

The Prom II post is coming, but I might not get it up until later as I have a whirlwind day full of exciting stuff like seeing the dentist and eye doctor and buying dirt at Home Depot.

For now, perhaps you'll enjoy this?

This Is Why I Can't Go Out For Drinks

Sounds like I'm about to start a funny I-got-drunk-fell-down-boom story, doesn't it?

Prepare to be dissapointed.

I'm actually posting right now because a whole bunch of you have sent me sweet notes inviting me out for lunch, dinner, drinks, cucpakes, etc. in your respective cities while I'm on tour.  I truly would love to meet up, but I just reviewed my tentative schedule and it's not going to happen. 

Maybe you'll forgive me if you check out my day on May 7, for example:

4:00 AM - Wake up

5:00 AM - Depart hotel in Boston and head to airport

7:00 AM - Fly to New York

8:15 AM - Arrive in New York

9:45 AM - Radio interview

11:00 AM - Radio interview

12:00 PM - Lunch with New York publishing team

2:50 PM - Radio interview

5:30 PM - Magazine interview

7:00 PM to 10:00 PM - Reading and signing

10:00 PM - Late dinner with publishing team

1:00 AM - Return to hotel

Keep in mind I'm going to be talking and trying to entain people the entire time, too.  That takes some energy. 

Not exhausting enough yet?  Check out May 15:

3:00 AM - Wake up (never can get to bed before midnight after a book signing)

4:00 AM - Depart hotel in Nashville and head to airport

5:30 AM - Fly to Atlanta

7:30 AM - Arrive in Atlanta

9:30 AM - TV interview

1:30 to 3:30 PM - Meetings with B&N store managers

4:30 PM - TV interview

7:00 to 10:00 - Reading and signing

10:30 PM - Head back to hotel to finally eat dinner

Shake with three time zones and stir in some jet lag, then lather, rinse, repeat fifteen times in three weeks.  Seriously.  Last year I was so tired that I accidentally committed acts of bioterrorism in the Atlanta and Dallas airport bathrooms.  (When I go without sleep for that long I tend to lose fine motor skills, e.g. my ability to "hover."  Fact.) 

Don't get me wrong, I have the greatest job in the world and I love being on tour.  I'm not exactly digging ditches or fetching anyone's coffee.  And accidentally whizzing on the cuff of my cargo pants (and part of my carry-on bag) is a small price to pay for such a great experience. 

All I'm saying is if I have a free hour at any point, I'm going to spend it asleep.

Anyway, I'll get plenty drunk (and fall down, boom) after the tour and promise to share all the details.

You See? This Is Why I'm Not In Charge Of Anything

I totally forgot to create the Greatest! Contest! Ever! before I left for my appointment today, so now that I'm finally home, I'm obligated to half-ass something in order to keep my promise of posting it today.  (Then again, that's perpetually how I roll.)

I thought about implementing my agent's suggestion - having participants make a karaoke video to an 80's song and posting it on YouTube.  Although I love this idea, upon further consideration I would probably snap after watching my 15th Like A Virgin rendition.  In addition, that seems like an awful lot of work for something that retails at $29.99, so possibly I'd be watching nothing and that would hurt my delicate little feelings.

Resolution?  We're going to do this contest quick and dirty, so here are the rules: 

1)  Give me one sentence about why you loved the 80's... or why you didn't.  That's it, just one sentence and one sentence only.  And if you feel like the 90's or the 70's were the superior decade, tell me why in one sentence. 

1a)  Hey, did you notice how I just said "one sentence" like 900 times in a row?  That's because I'm going to disqualify anything over one sentence.  This is pretty much a one-major-rule contest, so if you break the one big rule, I'm not going to cut you any slack.

2)  I will choose my five favorite entries, so the picking won't be random.  Quality counts.  Speed doesn't.

3)  One entry per person, please.

4)  I will only consider entries posted in the comments section on this entry.  No email, no Twitter, no Facebook, please.  And if someone has posted your perfect answer first, then, um... I guess maybe speed counts a little bit. 

5)  Creativity counts, too.  You don't have to follow the rigid format of, "I loved the 80's because..."  Just give me the gist, e.g. "Pop Rocks candy ruled my world."

6)  The deadline to enter is Monday, April 13 at 12:00 CST.  Winners will be announced Tuesday, April 14. 

Ready... set... write!  (Or, for those of you who loved the 70's, right on.)

(I know.  Lame.  I told you this was half assed.  But the prize is full assed, and that's what matters, yes?)  

Day Eight

What I gather from yesterday's post is you guys enjoy dress photos the most.  That makes sense within the context of this project because so many 80's movies prominently featured the social trials/tribulations of a school dance.

Think about it - all the action in Footloose led up to whether or not those crazy kids would be allowed to, you know, cut loose/ footloose/ kick off their Sunday shoes.  Fast Times at Ridgemont High had a prom component, and, although technically not a prom, the school dance in Sixteen Candles set the whole plot in motion.  If it weren't for prom, Nicholas Cage could never have absconded with someone else's date and limo in Valley Girl.  And if Jamie Lee Curtis had decided she'd rather stay home and pop some corn with Martha Dumptruck, her prom night might have gone very differently.

Anyway, you speak; I listen.  Thus today we celebrate the shiny prom dress.

The gal on the right in the pink and green dress is Gina.  I applaud her preppy sensibilities in color, fabric, and accessory choices.  The girl on the left is Gina's cousin, Cha Cha DiGregorio. 

She's the best dancer at St. Bernadette's.

(See?  The 70's were all about the school dance, too.)

Next up, Darla.  (I have to mention her site's awesome tagline if you don't click over.  Land of the Donut, Home of the Beer.)  Even though Dana's not the one in what she calls a "shiny shower curtain," I'm including it because this was taken before a Junior/Senior banquet.  Not sure if it's high school or college, but either way, the ladies can't be more than 21 and yet my Working Girl point a few days ago still stands.  She totally looks younger now on her website, twenty years after the fact.

Somewhere there's a mother of the bride looking for this exact outfit.  (Also?  Bonus points awarded for the fabulously retro light fixture in the corner.  Hipsters would kill for that thing now.)

Moving on, a key component in 80's formal wear was color coordination. 

Here Kat demonstrates this concept while standing in front of an enormous wall of Saran Wrap:

If one electric teal green item is good, then more are more good.

What's even better than matching accessories?

Matching dates!

 

Jen still has the dress, which I actually think is pretty because it fits her so nicely, and no, I'm not being snarky.  I'm allowed to be nice occasionally.

So, what could be better than shiny and matching? 

How about shiny, matching, and metallic?

 

All that glitters here is Laurie.  And her color-coordinated date's mullet.

Laurie shares the shiny, gold, metallic crown with Sharon and her enormous pre-Project Runway, asymmetrical shoulder ruffle.

"That's right, bitches.  I DID made it work."

Finally, what's the only thing that could possibly be better than shiny, metallic, and personally color-coordinated?

Maureen, with her unfortunately hidden diamond banana clip, knows the answer:

 

"I double-dog dare you to match YOUR dance decor."

Anyway, that's it for today.  Stay tuned tomorrow for Prom Post II, Revenge of the Ruffle.

P.S.  This wouldn't be complete without seeing the dress Caitlin made for Halloween.

 

"What about prom, Blane?  WHAT ABOUT PROM?"

(And everyone knows she should have chosen Duckie.) 

I Bet You Big Teaser

Hey... look what just arrived!

 

In case you're interested, this is how my twisted little thought process works:

Hey!  Why are these books so small?

They're so skinny!  So why did I spend so much goddamned time writing all those words this summer if they were going to make such a skinny book?  What happened to all the other words? 

Is the type really wee?  If so, I'll need some of those bridge-of-the-nose-glasses they sell on the racks at Walgreens.

Seriously, who reads such tiny books?  They're the size of a club sandwich!  I don't want to read a club sandwich book because I don't want drugstore glasses.

Why are they wrapped in plastic?  What is this, the Madonna sex book?

And... huh. 

They're not book books.

They're audio books.

Cool. 

Cooler if Morgan Freeman had narrated them, but still.

Cool.

How weird is that anyway to have my book on CD?  Am I supposed to listen to it in the new car?  Are my friends going to get in and be all, "Hey, sweet ride.  And who are you listening to?" and I'll be all, "The voices inside my head are now on disc!" 

Wow, there's so many of them. 

Why do I have so many?

What on earth am I supposed to do with all of them?

Oh, wait... 

I'm only getting a new car (see you in hell, dented SUV from last century!) because a lot of nice people made it possible for me to have this job.

And I need to say thank you.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Tune in tomorrow for the official start of giveaway! 

(Because my twisted little thought process needs that long to figure out the best way to run a contest.)