It's Day Whatever I Say It Is, Alright?

A few of you have voiced your displeasure at it being all 80's all month around here, which... OK, I get it.

I don't agree, but I get it.

Not every single one of you thought the 80's were the greatest decade to exist forever and ever, amen.  If you were a toddler back then, or if hearing Duran Duran gives you flashbacks of being thirteen and getting your p-e-r-i-o-d in the middle of geography class, I can see how this month is less "celebration" and more "painful memory."

The handful of you did ask me nicely to cease and desist and I respect that.  Yeah, I write what I want, but I only have an audience as long as I write what you want, too.  So I listened.  (FYI, I deleted the responses you guys put on the website as fights in the comments section make me stabby and I do not want to have to turn this car around, missy!)  

Anyway, for those of you who aren't into it, I'm going to post something random and non-decade specific in front of the 80's entries for the rest of the month.

Today's moment of I-Love-the-Double-Oughts zen is brought to you by my BFF Stacey Ballis.  She has a message for all who voted for her in the cocktail contest.  Plus, she's going to start telling one of the funniest stories I ever heard on her spankin' new blog.  The best part is the story isn't quite over yet so there's a Truman-show "how's it going to end" quality to it which I LOVE. 

You go read and enjoy her funny stories from this decade, while I share a dirty secret with the rest of the class. 

I did something yesterday I swore I'd never do again.

The day started out normally.  Fletch and I indulged in our usual Sunday ritual of hanging out and having coffee.  We sipped and chatted until it was time for me to get ready to attend an afternoon book club.  I always pay special attention to grooming for these things so I spent an inordinate amount of time on my hair, curing and blowing and spraying the perfect style.  All my products have been personally recommended by my salon and leading fashion magazines, so I walked confidently into the inclement weather, steadfast in my belief that my 'do would do.

I went to the book club and had a lovely time.  Between driving and parking in garages, I was only exposed to the elements for approximately thirty umbrella-covered seconds, yet when I glanced in the mirror upon arriving home, I didn't see my artfully fluffed coif. 

Instead, perched upon my head, I saw the pelt of something long dead.

My product had failed me. 

How it is possible to live in an age where a satellite tells my car how to get to book club, yet I can't find a hairspray that keeps my bangs smooth?

I pondered this dilemma while re-doing my hair in bathroom mirror.  As I straightened and fretted, Fletch asked me to bring out another roll of paper towels.  I reached in the bath's storage closet and when I pulled out the towels, I knocked over a bottle of Pine Sol.  When I bent to right it, something caught my eye.

A soothingly familiar white bottle gleamed from the darkness of the closet. 

I leaned in closer and grabbed hold of what had been given to me as a joke at my 80's party in January... an aerosol can of Aqua Net. 

I examined it in the light, turning it back and forth in my hand.  I gave the crusted old nozzle a tentative push and was shocked to see its contents spray forth freely and evenly. 

Hmm. 

I pumped it again with the same results.  A solid mist formed, and interestingly enough, it didn't have that spilled-nail-polish-remover smell that used to twist my stomach.

I squirted it one more time, remembering all the good hair days Aqua Net provided before I got pretentious, calling "hair spray" product and eschewing the drug store for the salon.

I wondered, could the recent butt of all my 80's jokes still have some value?

Shading my face with my hand, I decided to find out.

I sprayed and sprayed and sprayed.

My smooth bangs stayed and stayed and stayed.

Then I went out to dinner and stood in the rain for ten minutes saying goodnight to my girlfriends.  When I got home I went directly to the mirror. 

And you know what? 

AQUA NET STILL WORKS.

So this week (and for those of you who continue to dig the 80's tribue) we're going to honor that which defined us in our... SALUTE TO SPRAYED HAIR!

 

Tiandra loses a couple of points because the sides could be wider, but gains them in length and dedication to curl.

 

Christie's 'do is an idea specimen of the proper length-to-width ratio, however this was shot in 1991 so I can only award partial credit.

In an ironic twist, Dani's hair could cut you.

And today's winner of the Aqua Net Lifetime Achievement Award...

  

Kelly!  (Laugh all you want, but personally I'd have killed for that volume back in the day.) 

Coming tomorrow (for those of you who are into it), a flock of seagulls styles.  And speaking of seagulls (for those of you who aren't into the 80's) I'm going to provide the definitive list of every animal that's ever bitten me.  (It's more extensive than you'd think.)

As for me, I've got a book club to get ready for this evening. 

I'll be using the GPS system to get there... and generous amount of Aqua Net.

Comments

[Kate]

I swear to god, when I first got to the part where you were looking for a hairspray that wouldn't fail, all I could think of was, "I need to write to her and tell her about Aqua Net!!" They can take away my crimper/waver/odd styling device that literally pressed lightning bolts into my hair, but my Aqua Net? They'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hand...

[Pat]

I think that the time travel was hysterical and I totally enjoyed it.

[angela]

You know, I was a kid in the 80's, sorry if that offends, but I am LOVING these pics and flashbacks! I look back at family photos and ask my mom why she let her dorky daughter with the metallic plastic rim glasses dress the way I did- I don't think it helped my situation at all- it did mold me to be the heinous witch I am now though..... I love these posts- and my friend and I are TOTALLY planning on finding some awesome 80s threads for your appearance in Huntington Beach, CA!!!!! SO EXCITED!

[Rhonda]

I'm totally loving the 80's theme here but am also completely happy to read 'regular' blog stuff too!

The Aquanet thing...I have a fantastic friend who bought me possibly the best birthday gift ever last year. I'd been having a tough time with stress and anxiety issues and so she brought me a lovely box filled with calming things like chocolate, chinese stress balls, soothing candles, etc. It was great.

But what was even better was the second gift box. It was labeled 'plan B' and had a little note saying that if people stressed me too much and nothing in the first box worked, I could use plan B. Plan B? A can of Aquanet with a lighter taped to it.

My friend? Best.friend.ever. A girl always needs a plan B!

[Maureen]

I was born in 1979, so I'm technically in the category of "Those Who Cannot Fully Appreciate the '80s Nostalgia" yet I love all of these posts. But if you ever decide to skewer the '90s, I have about a million photos of ill-fitting flannel shirts, hiking boots worn to social occasions and orthopedic black clunky heels. Just FYI...

[DMG]

I've got three words for you: Sebastian Super Shaper, it was the BOMB for gravity defying big hair.

[Sweet Herald]

I hate to say it, but it wasn't until this post that I am now like, okay, enough about the 80's sales bit.

I miss the days of bloggers (that is, before the well-known became the well-known and cordial to everyone) talking smack. Have you ever had someone be rude to you at a book signing? Or are they too chickenshit?
Has anything ever really embarrassed you at one of your signings?
Everyone is all polite and nice, and all about book deals, book tours, and potential television pilots now.

Sorry I'm just still pissy about losing in that 80's contest you ran.

[Sara]

Love the the '80s stuff! I had a friend in college who worked for a hairdresser back home, and we would all have her help us get that perfect big hair. She used "Splash" hairspray, it came in a black bottle, and your hair would not move, and would last through a night of dancing to the Violent Femmes. Of course, the next day, washing your hair and getting a comb through was not pretty. Luv you Jen, and thanks for making me giggle and laugh!

[Tina]

I have curly, crazy hair and I STILL think big hair is awesome, although not quite 80's crazy big..more feathered, Farah Fawcett big. Nevertheless, AEROSOL hairspray freakin' works, ladies. It just DOES. It works better than any other PRODUCT I've ever owned. So there.

[Susan]

I have found that Suave Extreme Hold #10 hairspray works extremely well also. You HAVE to use #10 though. One time I had to use #8 because they were out of the other one and....no, not so much holding power. I live in VA with a lot of humidity and this works great except in extreme cases. Rock on, big hair sisters!!

[Young Mama Rae]

I totally have old pics from the 80's where my hair is just as big as all that, but I was 5. My aunt taught my mother how to tease and feather my bangs to a giant curling iron roll that curled back on top, and under on bottom. I had the most ridiculous hair ever on a 5 year old. The thing is, I had really straight hair, so the only thing puffy was my bangs. I looked like a freak!

[Sheri]

As a woman who was voted her sorority's "big haired bitch" in the middleish 80's, I know my hair spray. Aqua Net was the shit, as long as it wasn't unscented. Because unscented means it isn't supposed to smell, but this stuff is Gawd awful!!! Now that I know women my age are still using it, I'm going back, cuz the pricey stuff just isn't working for me.

I love the 80's so don't quit writing about them....there are plenty of us who appreciate your awesomeness!!!! The rest can go pound sand.

[jen]

What's humorous to me about Kelly's hair is the inordinate amount of space her poor date has to leave between them for her hair.

[Sarah]

I heart the 80's & think your ode to fabulous do's & outfits is a must. An excellent escape to work! I asked my husband to pick up hairspray for me, I know, I know, but I was desperate & in need. He came home with AquaNet, I was horrified. And then secretly pleased because my back hair bump that I work so hard on had stayed put ALL day. I am back in love with Aqua Net & shellacking of my coif.

[Parsing Nonsense]

Now I feel weird because I've always used hair spray to hold my bangs, and not the good stuff either. The cheapest stuff I could find at Safeway (that's essentially one step removed from Elmer's Glue).

Say what you want, but that stuff works. I may not know how to use products, but I know that should I ever get whipped around in either a tornado or a gigantic vacuum my bangs will be fine, and could probably also be used to filter out clean drinking water should it come to that.

[Rachel]

I still use Aqua Net! Aqua Net's the shit.
But you know what's funny? I had a dream last night that you came to read in New York and were pissed off that you had to read at the Union Square Guitar Center (yes, a lot my dreams don't make much sense!) apparently Fletch then got you a spot at Three of Cups and we listened to Joan Jett on the jukebox, and got wasted off amaretto sours. It's one of the BEST dreams I've had in a while!

I wonder if it will come true after the New York reading!

[stephanie]

This has nothing to do with the 80s but I just wanted to say hello to you. I finished "Such A Pretty Fat" about a month ago and just loved it. It had me laughing out loud and reading passages to my husband. (esp. the one about your thighs after you exercised with that male trainer...oh, were we howling.)

I've been exercising for the last 8 months and had lost 10 pounds, not changing my eating habits much at all. I felt good about that but have been wanting to lose *just* a bit quicker. After I read your book I checked out WW online and signed up. I've lost 5 more pounds following their points and continuing with my exercises. I loved reading your perspective about their program. Anyways, thanks for sharing all of that. I cannot wait to read your other books! A fan, Stephanie G.

[SueBee]

You have been reborn to Aqua Net! It's always been a go-to, but I usually reserved it for formal events & high winds.

I've made another foray into my 80's hair history, as paying the salon to fix my Rocker-roots is on hold. Feeling like Shakira I grabbed a bottle of L'Oreal HairColor at the Pharmacy & dumped it on. Aaaand I forgot the experimentation (read TIME) it takes to find the right shade of blonde. So now I look IRISH. "Linda Evangelista's Color" my a55. But it's tolerable, I'll get it right & it won't cost me $200. So there.

Don't let the Blog-Haters drag you down. A friend of mine stopped posting as she was getting some true nastiness. Her posts always made me alllmost pee my pants & should've come with a warning: http://screampunch.typepad.com

You make me laugh...OUT LOUD.
See you May 8th in DC!

[Sara]

Personally, I love your 80's posts. I say keep them coming!

[Nina]

Oh, and maybe I will try and pick up some Jean Nate products too! (kidding. ish.)

[Nina]

Jen, I have the same stupid hair problem daily. And I think I am going to try and find a can of Aqua Net while running errands today. Wow, I don't think I have been this excited about Aqua Net since I was in grade school and convinced my mom to let me perm my bangs. Permed Bangs. BANGS ONLY. (Trust me, I've been looking for a picture to send in. I think at somepoint I must've realized what I did and burned all evidence).

[LaToya L]

I love the '80s posts even though I was born in '81 and don't completely remember everything it's still fun to look at while at work. While I never used aqua net I did burn my hair to a crisp with spritz and a crimping iron, ah remember crimps, good times

[Kristine]

I have throughly enjoyed your '80s tribute. Being that I was born in 1980, I don't so much remember the styles of the decade until near the end. I must've had at least a dozen spandex shorts with the neon stripe up the side. And in it's final years, I was also introduced to AquaNet. Man, that stuff kept my bangs perfectly quaffed into what I thought was an "awesome" wave sticking straight up from my ginormous forehead. And contrary to what "How I Met Your Mother" has said about Canada, we did get all the same styles as you Americans did, as the same time. Really, we watch just as much NBC/CBS/ABC as you do - and if we couldn't find it at the Bay or Zellers, that was what a weekend across the border shopping was for. Hello JC Penney and Target!

I miss my carefree days during the '80s. Yes I was a child, but a well-spoiled one!

[sandralynny]

thank you jen. you have such a way with making me laugh when all i want to do is yell at people.

[Ann Payne]

Hi, Jen. Your books are cracking me up! Thank you. Laughing is so much fun! In reference to your Flock of Seagulls styles, I saw the band in the mid-90's and the lead singer had changed his hair! We didn't even wait for "And I Ran" which they were saving for the final song. It just didn't matter as much without the hair--it could have been anybody!

Oh, and my personal 80's hair product was the Paul Mitchell freeze spray. It smelled like watermelon and would freeze the sides of my hair behind my ears. This being the only control in my massive spiral permed hair.

[lara]

Well, perhaps the '80s (and thanks for the grammar lesson--I hate misuse of apostrophes) were best only for those who lived through them, but to those youngsters who have posted, I can only tell you that you do not know what you missed. I mean, U2 is still fantastic, but until you've lived through Bono in his high, flat boots and tight pants all angsty while singing 'Sunday Bloody Sunday', you don't fully appreciate all that they are today.

Jen, I love to hear that you still fight the humidity and frizz. I fight that battle almost daily, and laughed out loud reading about your travails. I wish I could attend one of your '80s parties; I'm curious to see if I can still get that mall-bang look!
As a bit of 80's related trivia, aqua-net is so good at fixing things in place that most doc's offices use it as a fixative for the slides they make after your p-a-p smear, so it probably won't ever go away!

[michele]

jen the 80's were fabulous, a wonderful time for music, and fun, and great style,
anyone who would put you down for doing your generation, and enjoying a time in your life that made you who you are, is very small, and never enjoyed life,
you rock, and rock for the 80's,

[DanceMom]

I LOVE THE 80's!!!!! Remember making wings with your hair dryer & hair spray? Or was that more 90's???

It wast be all the 80's mussings cuz my college bf who grew up with the Cussacks has been emailing me on facebook. And no he doesn't talk to them anymore. Darn!

Monie

[Heather]

I hope I am not violating blog rules but I had to come back to inform that

http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/

Has an 80s - 2fer today. A cake with verses from some 80s song (Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...) AND a clip of Van Halen's Jump. Talk about some good hair!

[Julia]

I can't believe anyone would be nervy (is that even a word?) enough to tell you what to or not to write about. I am with everyone else, keep up the 80's stuff it's golden!

[Heather]

I am LOVING 80's month!

I used the Aqua Net in the silver and white can. I think it had pink lettering and was the strongest formula made.

My nana introduced me to it and my mom would buy it in bulk whenever she saw it on sale, I used that much!

I remember stiff stuff!

Anyone remember the name of the Vidal Sasson product in the pump bottle? It was stiff stuff on steroids.

My best friend's mom was totally into hair and would buy the expensive products like VaVoom. We would always plan to get ready for big events at Jen's house so we could use the "Good Stuff."

[Sandie]

I love the 80s!!!

@ Juls - similar conversation with my younger boyfriend during a tribute show to the New York Dolls.....

Me: I love David Johanssesn
Him: I don't know him but he kinda looks like Buster Poindexter (Kill me now!)

[Kim]

I love your 80's posts!
I found myself laughing when I went to replenish my hair spray today at my local Walgreens and saw that they had Aqua Net!

[Ericka]

i love these 80s posts!

my cousin was a hairdresser and she used to give me this stuff in a black can. it was "hair cement" and you could freeze hornets in the air with that shit. it was awesome - i wish i could still find it.

[Sara]

I can't believe people actually complained about your homage to the 80s! Sheesh--it's your blog, you can post about whatever the hell you want!

ps--Electric Youth was the bomb.

[Tabitha]

Thanks for introducing us to Stacey's blog...it's great!!

[Julie]

In addition to Aussie Sprunch Spray and AquaNet, does anyone remember a product called "Stiff Stuff"...and yes, it was for your big 80's hair!

Jen, you could make this a year long 80's dedication: it could take me that long to find my pictures...and they are priceless. Loves it!

[Alli]

I love the 80s photos!! I was born in 1980 so my main memory of the 80s was making up dances to Cher in Grade 4. Keep the photos coming!

[fe]

Oooohhhh Aqua Net was the reason I accidentally sprayed my hair with silicone leather protector meant for all forms of leather footwear. See, I used to keep a bottle of Aqua Net for the strict purpose of using it as fixer for my charcoal drawings. It worked better than anything - plus it cost only 99 cents! One day I was attempting to make something of my hopelessly flat hair for a wedding I was to attend. I tried everything and nothing worked. So I thought, I have that can of Aqua Net. That should do it! I retrieved it from under the kitchen sink (I know, good place to keep it) sprayed with gusto and utter disregard to the ozone layer. But strangely, nothing happened, other than I was getting a wee light-headed. Upon closer examination of the product, I realized it was not Aqua Net bottle I got from under the kitchen sink, but a similar bottle containing leather protector. No amount of hair washing would get that smell out. As a result, we were late to the wedding - just in time for the reception - and I had to explain to everyone that no, I did not normally smell so strongly of shoe polish. On the plus side, my hair was incredibly soft and shiny for a good three months.

[*gemmifer*]

To the few who don't like the 80s posts, sor-ry! They are so much fun for those of us who lived through it. And I would think those too young to remember that decade should get at least a few laughs at our expense, since all generations mock those that came before them. God knows there's loads of mock-worthy material in that decade!

And Kelly definitely deserves the high-hair award. Of course her hair had to be that tall; she couldn't let her date be taller than her!

[Susan]

Back in the day, I went throught at least 2 cans of Aqua Net a week. I can live with global warming now because my hair rocked!

PLEASE keep up the 80's stuff because it's just 2 good + 2 be = 4 gotten!

[Stephanie]

Kelly's hair achievement is AMAZING! I can't even imagine how much hair spray and time must have gone into that style.

By the way, I love the 80's theme this month! It gives me such a laugh at my desk thinking back to that time...and thankful we are no longer in it! :)

[Wheresthething]

By the way, there's a Facebook group called "My 80s hair was bigger than Sarah Palin's" which I highly recommend joining. Especially for the girl in the last pic. What a Quiet Riot.

[Tara Crosier]

LOVE the 80's posts, even though I was more a tween, my sister was 6 years older than me so my life and hers kinda blended a little and so I still feel like a child of the 80s more so than the 90s. Does anyone else remember Electric Youth perfume, with the little pink plastic coil running up the middle of the bottle, loved it. My sis wore the heck outta some Coty Wild Musk (uggh) and we went thru no less than 4 cans of Aqua Net a week...funny thing here, my mom, a hairdresser of 30+ years STILL to this day will only use Aqua Net on her own hair, and trust me, it moves not! And if my sister could get away with it, without me laughing her to shame I KNOW she would still rock the big hair, it took me well into the 00s to get her into a decent pair of non skintightacidwash jeans and chunky shoes rather than "flats" and MADE her throw away a pair of jeans from her Sr year of High School and some stirrup pants!!!

[AtlantaDebbie]

And for the record? I'm not whining about the rabbit bite -- because I do remember the '80s, and I recall what President Carter went through after his rabbit attack and I don't want a repeat of that for my ownself. The rabbit bite wasn't bad. Actually, none were too bad. The monkey was the worse. Required a tetnaus shot. Cried over the shot but not the bite.

[AtlantaDebbie]

Animals that have bitten me.....okay, do insects count? Cuz that would add up to a lot, but also boring. Kind of like when Animal Planet does "Most Extreme" and you see cool cheetahs and sharks leading up to the finish, but end up with some tiny little loser bug as the Number One.
Not counting insects, I've been bitten by cats, dogs, horses, humans, lizards, a rabbit, yellowtail fish, various pet birds, and a monkey.

[Shannon]

Well, I don't know who the party poopers are, but I am loving this theme!! It's a riot seeing all these pictures!!! Please don't give them up, seriously. And that last hair.... WHOA. She could have joined Def Leppard with that hair.

[Patti]

I am too close to 50 to be comfortable, but I have some great memories from the 80's also, I say Jen can write about anything she wants to. I look forward to reading her website everyday!!!!

[Melissa Allen]

Oh my God, people do their homework using wikipedia??? You can post ANYTHING on that site. Just a word of advice from someone old enough to have worked through work (seriously!) in the pre-internet days... that is, when I could find it. GPS capabilities accessible to the common man is a definite improvement in my world.

I dig the theme. Once the month is gone, it's over. In the meantime, what a great way to prepare for the new book (which I pre-ordered the other night).

[Mary (aka MZA)]

Wasn't going to post because I didn't have anything to say, until I read Heather's post & clicked the link & saw my pretend boyfriend Johnny Depp. Sigh.

(And yes, I would still kiss him even tho I now know his hair smells gross.)

Heather, you made my day!