Setting: Late May, 2009, The Webster Place Barnes & Noble, immediately following the question and answer session of my book reading.
Me: Honey, there's a million people in line and I only have one person up here helping me and she's putting name post-it notes in the books. Do me a favor and use people's cameras for them if they want pictures with me.
Fletch: Nah.
Me: Excuse me? "Nah" is not an option. Please take their pictures, this line is really, really long and it would help move things along.
Fletch: Nah, I don't want to break their cameras because I don't know how to use them.
Me: You won't break them.
Fletch: Nah. I'd probably break 'em. Besides, a lot of them want my autograph so I'm busy.
Me: Okay, A) you didn't write shit, ergo you have nothing to sign and B) they're just cameras; how hard could it be?
Fletch: Nah, I don't feel comfortable doing it.
Me: (through gritted teeth) Take. The. Fucking. Pictures. Please. Now. Before. I. Kill. You.
Fletch: Trust me, it's better if I don't. (turns to greet fans and signs their books while tiny blood vessels begin to pop in my brain.)
* * *
Setting: Early August, 2009, The East Hampton Library Authors Night fund raiser, right after the doors open.
Me: I still haven't forgiven you for the last signing debacle, so you WILL take photos tonight and you WILL NOT bitch about it.
Fletch: I don't think I'm very good at it, but I'll try.
Me: Thank you. Effort is all that I ask.
* * *
Setting: Last night, in my home office, sitting in front of the computer.
Me: So... yeah. I uploaded the photos that you took. Maybe you'd like to, oh, I don't know, give me your perspective on what you shot.
Me: A little on the blurry side.
Fletch: I didn't know how to focus.
Me: It has auto-focus.
Fletch: Oh, then I guess I was trying to balance my wine glass while I was holding the camera and I got wobbly.
Me: Okay... then how about this one?
Fletch: That's Barbara Walter's handler's coat.
Me: Awesome. And how about this?
Fletch: That asshole jumped right in front of me while I was taking Barbara Walter's picture.
Me: Yeah, that's because was INTERVIEWING her.
Fletch: Don't worry - I got a great one of her.
Me: That's her BUTT. I can see her UNDERPANTS, not her face.
Fletch: Won't you sleep better tonight having seen her panty lines and knowing she doesn't wear a thong? Besides, I got that cool picture of you, Anne Heche, and Alec Baldwin.
Me: That's another winner. I like it almost as much as this one, which is... ?
Fletch: Baldwin wasn't wearing a belt.
Me: Of course. Going with the whole celebrity buttocks theme. I get it. Excellent. The self-portraits are nice, too. Glad you were able to get the focus to work.
Fletch: I set my wine down for those.
Me: And here I thought you didn't get any real celebrity shots, but look! It's Kenny Powers!
Fletch: But what about Evil James Lipton? That's kind of bad ass.
Me: Yeah, or just bad. I particularly like this one where I asked you to get a shot of me meeting Jay McInerney while the Countess and Candace Bushnell were right there in conversation. It could have been my ultimate pop culture moment. And intstead, it's... this.
Me: Ah, and here I am arm-wrestling Candace, or perhaps luring her into my gingerbread house. Again, AWESOME.
Fletch: Wait, look at that one - it's great! You can't get mad at me for that one.
Me: You do realize we'd handed the camera to a stranger at that point, don't you?
Fletch: Oh. How about that?
Me: On the bright side, you're officially relieved of camera duties ever again.
