Setting: Our kitchen, last night. I'm accidentally burning the steaks while Fletch goes around opening windows to let the smoke escape.
Fletch: So, are you ready for Friday? You have everything together?
Me: Yeah, I guess. I don't really know what I have to get together, though. I think I just need to show up, right? Maybe get some popcorn and milk duds?
Fletch: We'll need any new receipts you have for fourth quarter.
Me: Why the hell would I need receipts to see the very first showing of New Moon on opening day?
Fletch: Um, Jen... you understand we're meeting with our accountant at 11:00 on Friday, yes? We've got two hours blocked off with him.
Me: Wait, that's this Friday? 11/20 Friday? New Moon Friday?
Fletch: Yes.
Me: NOOOO!!!!!
* * *
So apparently I'm going to be busy being an adult on Friday instead of seeing the first showing of New Moon.
However, if you're in the same boat, fear not for I have come up with a rather elegant solution to our dilemma. Thus I present to you New Moon... the Jennsylvania edition. (Beware, spoilers abound.)
* * *
The Cullen Family: "Happy eighteenth birthday, Bella!"
Bella: "Oh, dear - I seem to have given myself a paper cut. Wait, everyone stop trying to kill me! It's just a flesh wound!"
Edward: "Well, shit."
Edward: "I cannot be with you but I will not destroy your soul."
Bella: "Huh?"
Edwards: "It's over. I'm Audi 5000."
Bella: "Just because your family tried to kill me? Oh, please, that happens at everyone's family gatherings. Remind me to tell you about the Swan 2006 Arbor Day Massacre. Wait, hey, DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME, MISTER!"
Edward: ***
Bella: "I can't believe that motherfucker just walked away from me."
Bella: "I'm probably going to need some elastic waist pants after this. But I'll rally. I'll totally rally. I am woman, hear me roar!"
Bella: "Yeah, I kind of didn't rally."
Jacob: "I'm going to need Kleenex, four boxes of wine, and Meg Ryan's entire body of work on DVD, stat!"
Bella: "Hey, Jacob... have you been working out?"
Bella: "When I play with dangerous stuff, I can hear Edward's voice in my head, almost like he's standing behind me, surrounded by an iced tea pitcher. Hey, you know what would kick ass? Cliff diving."
Jacob: "Do you see that bloodsucker saving you? No. It's me. I saved you."
Bella: "Do you suddenly feel the urge to have some soup?"
Jacob: "No, but here's a towel."
Jacob: "So, let's totally live happily ever after now because, seriously? Your old boyfriend was kind of a creepy stalker."
Bella: "Well... okay. You wanna play Grand Theft Auto?"
Jacob: "Absolutely!"
Bella: "It's not really the happily ever after I'd hoped for, but I guess it's fine."
Victoria and Laurent: "I'm sorry, but there are still 300 pages left in this damn book. This ain't over."
Laurent and Victoria: "End of the road, bitch."
Jacob: "Run, Bella, run!"
Bella: "I can't run! They'll totally kill you!"
Jacob: "Pfft."
Bella: "I won't let you die!"
Jacob: "Seriously, it's not an issue because I'm a..."
Jacob: "... werewolf."
Bella: "Cool."
Bella: "Hey, Alice is back!"
Alice: "I thought you were dead."
Bella: "Nope."
Alice: "You do have man-hands though."
Bella: "Speak for yourself."
Alice: "Oh, P.S. Edward's going to try and kill himself. We've got to head to Italy. I'll drive."
Alice: "How do you feel about grand theft auto?"
Bella: "It's my favorite game."
Alice: "Sweet."
Bella: "Hey, is Edward still trying to kill himself?"
Alice: "Yep, he's meeting with the Volturi right now."
Bella: "Who?"
Alice: "The Italians."
Edward: "I feel such sadness, delicious, delicious sadness."
The Volturi: "Maybe you should take your shirt off."
Meanwhile, on the road to Volturra...
Bella: "Ohmigod, we're going to be too late!"
Alice: "I suddenly regret stopping to buy these snappy accessories."
Bella: "Whew! We're here! Let me just dash through this fountain and save Edward."
Bella: "Hey... s'up?"
Edward: "Nothing... I was just fixing to take off my shirt. And die. But now that you're here, I shall do neither."
Bella: "Damn."
Edward: "Listen, the Volturi want to chat before we leave."
The Volturi: "FYI, you kind of need to kill Bella or make her a vampire. Your choice."
Bella: "Which choice will get him to take his shirt off faster?"
Edward: "Woo, that's a real puzzler. I can't live with you but I can't live without you. Maybe we should get the hell out of here and discuss it on the plane?"
Alice: "Shall I bring my accessories?"
Edward: "Naturally."
Edward: "Will you marry me?"
Bella: "Will you take your shirt off if I say yes?"
Edward: "If I must."
Bella: "Done."
Alice: "So, yeah, I guess this worked out nicely for all involved and there are absolutely no loose ends. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to plan. I call maid of honor!"
Jacob: "NOOOO!!!!"
The End
(until Eclipse and Breaking Dawn)
* * *
I guess the good news for me is that technically I can write off the action figure purchases now.
So there's that.
