You know what?
I try really hard not to be an asshole.
Seriously, I do.
I realize it's difficult to tell around here sometimes, but it's the truth. Yet sometimes... I... I just can't help myself.
Today is one of those days.
Following you'll find an email from Shelly. She sent me a number of questions which may have been appropriate if I were being interviewed by, say, a fifteen year old for her high school newspaper. But from what I can tell, this comes from someone who doesn't comprehend that one should spend more than the time it takes to look up an email address before asking a complete stranger for professional guidance, particularly one who will absolutely respond with mockery if properly provoked.
Anyway, I'm posting the note below (because I'm an asshole) and my responses are in italics.
Hi, my name is Shelly and I’m currently working on my first novel. Writing a novel has always been a dream of mine, but I’m pretty nervous and worried that I’m going to fail. I was hoping that you would answer the following questions for me, to help me get started?
1. How do you develop your characters? Are they people you know?
I write nonfiction which seems like it would be obvious by the word “memoir” on the cover of each of my books, but apparently not. Since I write about real people, the characters pretty much develop themselves.
2. How do you come up with their names?
Really, most of the credit goes to their parents.
3. Did you have any formal training in order to become a writer? Classes? A degree?
Yes.
4. How do you get ideas for stories?
How do you not get ideas for stories?
5. What do you consider the most important principle of fiction?
This is something I’ve never thought about considering I don’t write fiction.
6. How do you, when writing dialogue, make sure that each character sounds like a unique person?
I, when writing dialogue, try to phrase things in a way that sounds completely natural. Because who wouldn’t, when writing dialogue, not try to make conversations sound conversational? Again, when writing dialogue, it’s easier to make unique individuals sound like unique individuals when they are unique individuals. When writing dialogue.
7. How do you set up your books? Do you outline them first or do you have an idea and just go with it?
From tallest to shortest, left to right, with a heavy bookend butted up against the small end.
Oh, wait. I answered that before I read the whole question.
I find ideas overrated. Outlines, too.
8. How do you decide how long a book should be?
Well, I certainly wouldn’t spend ten seconds Googling "how long is a novel?" to find out what the industry standard is. Instead, I'd email John Grisham.
9. How do you decide on a title for your book?
Scotch.
10. How do I go about getting an agent? Where do I look for one?
Obviously you look for one by asking me. (I keep them in my guest room.)
11. How do I know which agent is best for me?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say this probably won’t be an issue.
12. How much should I expect to pay an agent to represent my book?
You should pay them whatever they ask, because, again, a ten second Google search on "how much do I pay a literary agent?" wouldn’t reveal that an agent works for you and only gets paid once you sell your writing.
13. Will an agent expect me to sign a contract? Should I sign one?
Yes, in blood. Yes, right before you give them a blank check.
14. How & why did you become a writer?
Because I wanted to bring back the ampersand.
15. Does this process ever get easier?
No.
16. Have you ever doubted yourself while writing? If so, how do you get over it?
Yes. Scotch.
17. What should my manuscript look like?
Um, about 6’2”, dark, neatly trimmed hair, well polished shoes, and eyes that crinkle when he smiles.
Shit, I just described my husband.
I guess I don't understand the question.
18. How long did it take to publish your first book?
I certainly never mention this in any of the books I’ve written so it must be that I don’t know the answer.
19. Do you typically do a lot of research for your books?
Typically.
20. What is the hardest part of writing for you? The easiest?
The hardest part is trying not to be an asshole when people send asinine emails. The easiest is cashing checks.
21. Do you have any favorite authors? Books?
Pfft, writers don’t read. And if they did, they certainly wouldn't detail all the stuff they loved on their website and in their books.
22. I’m pretty nervous about writing my book and trying to get it published. I guess I don’t have much for self-confidence when it comes to this. Do you have any advice?
Scotch.
FYI, I didn't send this to her, tempting though it was.
Instead, I emailed this reply:
"Shelly, this is not how you become a writer."
Asshole.
EDITED TO ADD:
It's not that I won't help other writers; it's that I won't help idiots.
After the break, see the business-centric publishing advice I just sent to someone who demonstrated she was actually serious about being a writer.
Before I begin, let me say this - don't change your voice because you think a casual style is wrong. Some bloggers (myself included) have had a lot of success bending traditional rules of grammar. I mean, sure if you're trying to write Pride and Prejudice, DOOCECAPS may be inappropriate for emphasis, e.g. "JESUS, DARCY, WTF?" but if you're writing about your life and you want people to really get a feel for how you sound, they're not. (One of the best compliments I get is when readers tell me in person I sound exactly like I do in their head. That's intentional.)
Anyway, you've taken the first step in that you know you want to write. More importantly, you've made the decision that you want to get PAID for writing. That's key. I'm going to come at this from a business perspective. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, and I used to happily do it for free, but part of being able to get to the next level entails looking at this skill as a commodity. (Writing as a form of art is for those with trust funds.)
So, you want to write and you want a check. Now the question is WHAT do you want to write? Blogging is a fantastic way to flex your creative muscles every day, but it may or may not provide fodder for your book. What do you envision writing? If you want to write a memoir, keep in mind that the ones that sell tend to follow the traditional structure of a novel - conflict, complication, resolution. One of the reasons blogging can bug me is that people write about their problems while they're right in the middle of them and this leaves the reader hanging. What's going to happen next? How are you going to resolve this? I understand that the bloggers are busy living their lives, but damn it, if I'm reading someone I don't know and can't meet them for lunch to offer suggestions, then I hate having to wait and anticipate a happy ending. (Worse is when they bring up an issue and then never speak of it again. Argh.)
A lot of bloggers are tempted to simply put together a big collection of essays, but those are really hard to sell, unless you're Jon Stewart or David Sedaris. Honestly, that's what I wanted to do for my first book because putting everything in story form seemed too daunting. Ultimately, my agent wouldn't let me. She forced me to come up with a couple of themes and then I wove a narrative thread/story arc throughout the book.
And yes, it was an enormous pain in the ass and it took me an entire year of working on a book proposal before Bitter was ready to sell.
(Per your question, yes, I start sentences with AND all the time. Really, it's fine.)
Your best bet for determining WHAT you want to write is to read. Read everything. I can't say this enough - writers are readers. Figure out a handful of books you wish your name were on. For me, my inspirations were Helen Fielding, Sophie Kinsella, Laurie Notaro, and Karyn Bosnak. I pored over each book, trying to figure out what about them spoke to me and made me want to tell my own story. I loved how Fielding infused Bridget with so much humor, how Kinsella made me identify with Becky's poor judgement, how Laurie mined tiny stories from her own life and turned them into epic battles, and how Karyn put shame aside and told the world exactly how it all went down. (Yes, Bosnak had a blog, but she only gave little glimpses of the story. Genius.)
Not coincidentally, each of these authors had sold really, really well. I figured whomever I wanted to emulate had to be right there in the middle of the collective unconscious, because again, at the end of the day, what matters most in publishing is if the book will sell.
You have to know your story before you can seek representation. What's nice is if you're writing non-fiction, you don't have to have the whole book done. You just need a solid outline and strong sample chapters. An agent will help you shape your book, but he or she won't tell you what it is. Look at your writing as product. You may be the best salesperson in the whole world, but you're not going to sell shit if you don't know what it is you're selling.
(A quick aside back to the process of writing - don't edit yourself in the beginning. Just get everything out and THEN look at it all with an editorial eye. That's how you'll figure out how you want to structure your book. The more you write, the more likely an entirely new theme will emerge. But this process needs to be organic and it won't work if you spend all your time second-guessing yourself. I always say you can't edit what you didn't write. And seriously, again, GET IT ALL OUT BEFORE YOU EVEN BEGIN TO THINK ABOUT FINDING REPRESENTATION. )
But back to agents - the best way to lose an agent's interest is to shotgun a query. Don't just find names and send your stuff to each of them. Again, this is where you go to the kind of books you want to write and you read the acknowledgements section. See who the author thanks. His or her agent will always be amongst the first listed. I only sent out one query letter in my life and I did it all wrong - it was casual, it was irreverent, and it sounded exactly like me. I wrote that I was an unemployed ex-sorority girl who snapped and that I had a story to tell. I sent this via email to a huge agent who represented the kind of books I wanted to write. On the agent's website, it said she'd respond to queries within two months.
Five minutes after I sent her my note, she called.
Ultimately, she didn't represent me for a couple of reasons. I had no trouble capturing her attention but when it came time to put together a proposal, I had no clue. She happened to be an established agent, so she didn't have the bandwidth to teach me. (This isn't always the case.) Also, when I queried her, I wasn't actually done LIVING my story yet so I didn't have an ending.
(Another side note - my friend Allison Winn Scotch has an amazing website for writers. Just google her name and you'll find it. Go to her site and peruse the old questions and her links - it's ridiculously useful. Miss Snark had the best site in the world for budding authors. She doesn't blog anymore but her archives are still live.)
(That being said, try to avoid the analysis-paralysis that can come from reading these guides too compulsively.)
As for the book proposal, this is a pretty specific document. In it you need to do two things - first, you've got to convince a whole group of people that your book is marketable. An editor may love you, but in order to make you an offer, the whole editorial board needs to approve - including publicity, sales, marketing, and art. Their end game is to sell books so you've got to be able to pull out examples of why people will want it. For me, I drew from the ones a couple of paragraphs earlier.
You also need to convince them about how you'll be able to turn your existing audience into customers. (When you get to this point, let me know and I'll send you a sample proposal. This part's actually a lot easier than it sounds. I mean, once you know your product, telling people why it's awesome isn't hard.) Basically, you need to demonstrate an understanding of the marketplace, which again will be no problem because writers are readers.
The other thing the proposal must do is demonstrate your voice. Although there are a number of specifics you must hit, that doesn't mean the document must be dry. My proposals read like my books, complete with funny lines, swearing, and footnotes. And you don't HAVE to have a proposal to get an agent - usually. Some require it, some don't. But once you get your story down, doing a proposal will feel like a formality more than anything.
Now for the reality check - it's tough sledding in publishing now. The industry's been hit hard and houses are taking a lot fewer chances on books from new authors. That's why it's incumbent on you to have conviction about your own work. If you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. The way to get to believing in yourself is to turn in the very best work you can. This may entail a dozen rewrites or working with a hyper-critical writers' group; it's all part of the process.
Also, publishing is the antithesis of a get-rich-quick scheme. Making any kind of money in this business takes FOREVER. I temped for the first two years of my career. Had I any idea how long it would take to turn a profit, I would have never, ever done this. Eventually it paid off, largely because I'd invested so much time that I refused to believe it wouldn't. Sometimes delusion is a good thing.
That being said, agents have lunch with editors every day because editors are constantly on the lookout for new talent and fresh voices. Editors still buy all types of books from unknown authors and people will always read. Honestly, you don't have to have a million Twitter followers or connections or even an original story. All you need is your unique slant on things.
Most importantly, you have to love the act of writing. Writing must feed your soul. If you does, then all the bullshit that goes along with getting published won't matter.
Finally, if you ever listen to those assholes at blogging conferences who tell you that self-publishing is a viable alternative, I will seriously cut you. It isn't, it's not, the end.
Anyway, I hope this helped and didn't scare you off too much.
I wish you the best.
* * *
Who's the asshole now, huh?
