Remember that scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin with Catherine Keener and Jonah Hill? Jonah Hill's character goes into Keener's eBay store and wants to buy a pair of spangly silver platform boots with goldfish in the lucite heels. It goes down like this:
"Yeah, these are wonderful. I'll take these."
"Thanks, they are. They're great. The goldfish just crack me up."
"Funny."
"Yeah, they are. Yeah."
"Yeah. They're cute."
"I don't actually sell anything here. I just sell them on eBay."
"I don't get it."
"Okay."
"So I guess I'll just give you some money and you can give me these shoes and..."
"You know, I know it seems so strange..."
"Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up."
"Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but..."
"I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them."
And then the scene ends and Jonah Hill does not get the shoes that Catherine Keener is specifically tasked with selling even though A) that's her whole business and B) he's right there, ready, willing and able to purchase them.
This is pretty much my life right now, if you substitute "spangly silver platform boots with goldfish in the lucite heels" with "a house" and "Catherine Keener's eBay store" with "every fucking bank in Lake County."
Seriously, I thought we were in a buyer's market right now. I'm a buyer! I have money! I have financing! I have a very official-looking letter from my bank stating specifically that I am not a chump. I would like to exchange the aforementioned for your house, even with its mauve paint and gold faucets. (Seriously, who was your decorator? Prince?) Let's make a deal before my current lease ends and I have to live outside!
And yet every home that's right for us (despite the hideous wallpaper and Liberace-esque bathrooms and MAUVE! MAUVE! MAUVE!) is a short sale and even when we offer full asking price (in this market!), we can't get what we want because we aren't paying cash (who are these people in Lake County?) or our close date is later than other bidders.
I guess the one bright spot is that my car's finally back from its three and a half week vacation in the dealership's service department. The car feels all refreshed and happy and relaxed with its new starter, suspension system, and differential, which will make it nice for when I have to move into it.
At least it's not mauve.
