For those of you who wonder if I'll cover Eclipse, the answer is yes.
For those of you who wonder what that means, I'll refer you to the New Moon post.
For those of you who've seen that post and still wonder why I'm doing this, well... let's just say it beats working for a living.
So, without further delay, I give you Eclipse: The Jennsylvania Edition.
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Bella and Edward: Yay! We're reunited!
Bella: "Edward! I totally love you in a non-platonic sense! Let's celebrate our romance in an, ahem, traditional way, if you know what I mean."
Edward: "Yes! I'm absolutely on the same page! Marriage it is!"
Bella: "Argh. Then can you please at least compliment me on my rack?"
Edward: "Certainly. Your rack is fantastic. Are those two kinds of oregano I spy?"
Bella: "Sigh. In unrelated news, what up with the big pile of dead folk in Seattle, homie?"
Edward: "I know, right? Totes creepy."
Bella: "My dad says it's the work of a..."
Bella: "... cereal killer."
Alice, Edward, and Bella: "Seriously? We're just plastic action figures and even we can manage to look disgusted with your stupid pun, Jen."
Me: "I'm sorry. I had three Mai-tais at lunch today and it seemed funny to me."
Bella: "Shouldn't we be getting back to my tortured love life? We need to move this along if I'm ever getting the pants off that foppish Brit."
Me: "I'm on it. By the way, a bunch of brand new vampires killed all those guys."
Bella: "Oh, I'm sorry - are YOU now Stephenie Meyer? 'Cause your checking account doesn't seem to think so. Piss off."
Me: "Okay, okay. I'm going."
Edward: "No! I won't let you associate with the wolf-boy!"
Bella: "Please?"
Edward: "Nope."
Bella: "Pretty please?"
Edward: "No freaking way."
Bella: "Pretty please with hemoglobin on top?"
Edward: "My resolve is as immobile as my pants."
Me: "So, Bella, he not only breaks into your room and watches you sleep but also wants to dictate who your friends are? Oh, honey... run."
Bella: "Why are you still here?"
Me: "Because the man's over a hundred years old and you're a minor! It's not only unnatural, but it's also a crime. Oh, and speaking of statutory rape, can you possibly suggest that Jacob take off his shirt? Not for me. For America."
Bella: "ANYWAY..."
Bella: "I feel naughty sneaking away and riding motorcycles in the woods with you Jake! Perhaps this will make Edward so mad he'll try to, ahem, spank me."
Jacob: "FYI, I'm totally still a werewolf. My Dirty Dancing jean shorts automatically come off when I phase."
Bella: "Noted. But keep your pants on, dude, I only like you as a friend. I think."
Jacob: "Yet millions of cougars around the world would disagree."
Jacob: "Team Jacob!"
Edward: "Team Edward!"
Bella: "Team I-Would-Be-the-Meat-in-this-Sandwich-If-It-Weren't-for-the-Damn-PG-13-Rating! Oh, wait, was that out loud?"
Alice: "Um, hello? Do you horndogs need me to Mapquest your way back to the plot of this thing?"
Me: "I can help."
Alice: "What are you, the Greek chorus?"
Me: "No, but I don't need to be Euripides to see Victoria's behind everything. Also, since apparently it's not important to keep main characters consistent throughout the movie franchise, please note that the actress who was playing Victoria has been replaced..."
Me: "... by Betty Draper."
Victoria: "My husband Don Draper would first nail Bella, then he'd smoke, then he'd pay her five thousand dollars to go away."
Me: "Wrong show, sweetie."
Victoria: "Oh, right. My bad. I guess I'll just raise an unholy army and off the bitch myself."
Bella: "She's going to kill me before I ever get your pants off."
Edward: "Not to worry, I'll fix everything."
Bella: "Ooh, did you get us a room?"
Edward: "Better - I enlisted the whole wolf pack to help us."
Bella: "Aces."
Bella: "If I get Lyme disease out here, you're in big trouble, mister."
Edward: "We'll mask your scent with the wolf-boy's stink. Victoria will never find you."
Jacob: "Stink? The makers of Axe Body Spray for Men beg to differ."
Edward: "Whatevs. Now go take Bella to a cold, cold mountaintop. And try to keep your shirt on. You're not stealing this movie from me, too."
Jacob: "I promise nothing."
Jacob: "I'll keep you warm, baby."
Bella: "Well, since we're practically in Canada, it really wouldn't count, so..."
Edward: "Hey! Don't mind me! I'll just freaking risk my afterlife while you may or may not make out with a dog!"
Victoria: "Hey! Edward! Checkity-check it! It's your reflection! And I think I saw some hair gel behind that rooster cookie jar!"
Edward: "The only thing I love more than gazing at my tousled locks is Bella. Say good night, Betty. I mean, Victoria. Damn it, you're right, Jen - it IS confusing."
Me: "I told you so."
Edward: "Um, hi? Kind of busy here."
Me: "Right. Have at it. Sweep the leg, Johnny!"
Edward: "Victory! And now, decapitation!"
Me: "I paid seventy-four dollars for that doll. Let's just say we beheaded her, alrighty?"
Edward: "You, ma'am, are no Stephenie Meyer."
Me: "Yeah, and yet I could write you into some really shitty fan fiction, so if you want to keep your virtue pal, you'll STFU."
Edward: "Fine. Are we done yet?"
Me: "Almost."
Edward: "Now there's nothing standing in the way of our wedding!!"
Bella: "Yay."
Edward: "You realize that means I'll take my pants off."
Bella: "YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!OMG!!!1!!PONIES!!!ELEVENTY!!!1!!1WOOOOOOO!!!! But wait... I wonder how Jake will feel about this?"
Edward: "He's run away, so perhaps we'll never know..."
THE END
