jennsylvania

Not Dead, Just Pale

Keeping in mind that I'm an asshole for not mentioning it earlier, my friend Stacey Ballis is doing a most excellent contest and entry ends at midnight tonight.  She's been running it since last week and I meant to post the information last week, but I refer you to the part where I say I'm an asshole, a forgetful one at that.  Go here for details!

Things have been a bit chaotic here with travel, events, guests, and attempting to buy a home, so not only am I completely behind schedule with the book, but I've been terribly remiss in posting things.  More importantly, I'VE LOST ALMOST ALL OF MY TAN.  Forget homeless tan, now I'm barely even 9-5 desk job tan.  Try to guess which of these priorities I'm going to address today.  (Hint: it's going to be 84 degrees and sunny.)

So I shall leave you with these two things for now.

First, this is from the event I had the great privilege of doing with Jennifer Weiner on Monday.  People took dozens of flattering photos of us, but the only one I have is extremely menacing. 

Which isn't to say that I don't love it.

"Chick lit is not dead.  But anyone who says it is might die."

And for those of you wondering how our home-buying process is, check out this month's column.

That's it for now.

See you at the pool later!

   

Is Leaving...

... in an hour for the airport.  I'm headed to New York.

If so inclined, set your DVRs for the 10:00 hour of Today tomorrow where I'll be appearing as a reality television show expert with Kathie Lee and Hoda.  Please keep in mind that my being on is contingent on weather, breaking news, rolling blackouts, etc.

But if all the pieces come together, I'll be there.  Wearing Lacoste.  (And not drinking wine.)

For the record, if my witty banter and expansive knowledge of All Things Real Housewives doesn't land me a spot on one of those damn VH1 specials, then I give up.

(And if I come back with bedbugs, all bets are off.)

Neither Team Jacob Nor Team Edward

Every week I meet my friends Stacey, Tracey, and Gina for lunch.  We always make each other laugh, so lunch is perpetually a festive occasion.  But sometimes the topic turns to television and pop culture and when this happens, Tracey gets a little lost. 

Tracey's not opposed to watching TV, but she's always been more of a sports-and-news (and brown liquor) kind of gal.  Slowly we're bringing her around and she's starting to get it when we, say, quote Sue Sylvester or mention last night's Real Housewives. 

I like to take some credit for this because  I gave her a pop culture survivor gift bag on her birthday, full of handy reference material like People magazine and the first season of Glee on DVD.  One of the items enclosed was the Twilight movie.

I've been all over her to watch Twilight, but for whatever reason, it took her a while to get to it.  That's possibly because most adults don't rearrange their schedules so they can watch a teenage vampire flick just to satisfy me.  

Anyway, for no reason other than this making me laugh, here's the original text from our email exchange yesterday.

Tracey:  Forgot to tell you at lunch that I watched Twilight finally the other night...and New Moon via NetFlix should be waiting for me at home to watch tonight...

Me:  See?  SEE?  Good stuff.

Tracey:  Edward's lips are too red...the bad make-up is distracting...  I, of course, liked the boring cop Dad with the Magnum PI mustache. ;)

Me:  You're possibly the first person in the world to be TEAM BELLA'S DAD.  I may have to tweet this.

Tracey:  He likes steak and cherry cobbler! Ain't nuthin' wrong with that!

I still giggle every time I read this.

What Tracey doesn't know is she's about to get schooled on the first season of Mad Men. 

I suspect someone's about to change her alliance to TEAM DON DRAPER.

"I'll bring the brown liquor."

P.S.  For the rest of you, Mad Men is getting the Eclipse treatment as soon as my Roger Sterling doll comes off backorder.

Portraits In Procrastination

This blog will appear in a handy timeline format.  (You're welcome.)

June 10th, 11:00 PM:  My column is due tomorrow morning.  Perhaps I should start writing it.

June 11th, early morning:  DONE!  Okay, I'm never waiting until the last minute again.

June 12th:  But surely I'd like to take the weekend off.

June 14th:  Pfft, I've got FOUR WEEKS before that thing's due again.

June 21st:  Pfft, I've got THREE WEEKS before that thing's due again.

June 28th:  Pfft, I've got TWO WEEKS before that thing's due again.  Also, if I keep at it, I will achieve my dream of finally being "homeless tan."

July 5th, 11:00 AM:  Technically, today's still a holiday.  My time would be better spent at the pool.

July 5th, 6:00 PM:  "I just feel so relaxed today."  "You had three Mai-tais in an hour.  You're not relaxed, you're drunk."

July 6th:  I should probably think about writing that column.  Probably.

July 7th:  Well, I can't write it today because I'm busy looking at houses.  And going to lunch.

July 8th, 9:00 AM:  Shit, my column's due tomorrow. 

9:00 AM to 11:55 AM:  Read blogs and drink coffee.  Number of words written for column = 0.  But a Word document has been opened.  So there's that.

12:00 PM to 1:45 PM:  Lunch with girlfriends and Fletch.  We all linger over pie.  I mean to discuss potential column topics but I forget. 

2:00 PM to 3:00 PM:  Grocery shopping.

3:00 PM:  Okay, I've got to get this damn thing started.  Stare at blank page.  Immediately call friend Angie for inspiration.  Talk on phone for two hours.  Forget to discuss column.

5:00 PM:  You know what would inspire me?  Ice cream.  Grab bowl of B&J's new white chocolate raspberry and try to get to work.

5:15 PM:  I have nothing... but an ice cream hangover.

5:16 PM to 8:00 PM:  Write and re-write two dreadful paragraphs on how Chicago residents know it's finally summer when illegal fireworks claim their first hand of the season.  Is possibly the worst shit not only that I've ever written, but also that I've ever read.

8:00 PM:  Decide that dinner would inspire me.

8:20 PM:  It doesn't.

8:21 PM:  Decide that So You Think You Can Dance will inspire me.

9:00 PM:  It doesn't. 

9:01 PM:  Perhaps a cupcake will inspire me.

9:02 PM:  Nope.

9:03 PM:  What about a second cupcake?

9:04 PM:  Nope, unless I want to write a column about The Day I Had Three Desserts.

9:05 PM:  Perhaps the new season of Big Brother will inspire me.

10:00 PM:  Nope.

10:01 PM:  Perhaps crying to Fletch about how this is SO HARD and how I have NO TIME will inspire me.

10:02 PM:  "You spent an entire month drinking fruity rum punch by a pool and baking yourself into a basketball.  Suck it up, cupcake."

10:03 PM to 11:00 PM:  Google divorce lawyers.

11:01 PM:  Delete everything from the open Word document and start again.  Get on the intercom and demand that Fletch bring me "my address book, four beers, and my conversation hat."

11:02 PM:  Find that quoting classic Simpsons episodes actually IS inspirational.

11:03 PM:  Or possibly it's the Dos Equis.

1:47 AM:  FINISH COLUMN!!

1:48 AM:  Pledge to never do this again and promise myself that I'll get a jump start on next month's column, like, tomorrow.

11:06 AM:  Decide that it's way too beautiful out to be cooped up in front of my computer and get ready to head to the pool.  After all, the new column isn't due for a month.

11:07 AM:  I think we all know how this is going to end.

Happy Belated Birthday, America

Yesterday I became one of those people who VOLUNTARILY wear a holiday themed t-shirt for the Fourth of July.

I just took the first step toward the donning of the Dreaded Christmas Sweater, didn't I?

Shit.