Have you seen Breaking Dawn yet?
Are you such a Twihard that you went to the midnight showing on Thursday?
Or are you less hardcore in that you waited until the 10:30 showing on opening day?
Perhaps you're planning to see it over the weekend or next week while you're on vacation?
Then you're in luck because I'd like to present Breaking Dawn, the Jennsylvania edition!
This reenactment should neatly replicate my film viewing experience, except that unlike the asshole sitting behind me in the theater, I haven't brought my toddler with me. Mostly because I don't have a toddler, but partly because even if I did, I wouldn't want them witnessing a lot of sparkly vampire sex.
But that's just me.
Anyway, here goes...
Bella: "I can't believe I'm getting married! I'm practically vomiting with excitement! Yet I'm vaguely concerned that something could go horribly, horribly awry."
Alice: "Except for the fact that you were previously almost offed by James, Victoria, Laurent, Riley and a bunch of newborns, Jasper on accident, a pack of horny townies, a motorcycle, a skidding panel van, a cliff dive, a cavalcade of pissed off ancient Italians, and seasonal affective depression, what could go wrong?"
Bella: "You're totes right. And now I'll finally get a ride in Edward's Volvo, if you know what I mean!"
Edward: "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy-"
Bella: "So, that Volvo of yours... it's all warmed up, yes?"
Bella's Friends and Family: "A toast to Bella who totally doesn't look pregnant in that dress because this isn't the kind of movie where foreshadowing is important!"
Bella's Friends and Family: "Drink up, bitches!"
Bella's Friends and Family: "Um, is anyone else confused by this wallpaper?"
Roger Sterling: "Pfft. You don't know how to drink. Your whole generation, you drink for the wrong reasons. My generation, we drink because it's good, because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar, because we deserve it. We drink because it's what men do."
Joan Holloway: "Ooookay."
Roger: "I'll tell you the same thing I told my daughter: if you put a penny in a jar every time you make love in the first year of marriage, and then you take a penny out of the jar every time you make love in the second year, you know what you have? A jar full of pennies."
Joan: "Uh huh."
Roger: "Why are we even here, Joanie?"
Joan Holloway: "Because Mad Men isn't back until next June and we have nothing else to do?"
Roger: "That doesn't sound right."
Joan: "Because I'm going to teach Bella about birth control just like I did with Peggy Olson?"
Joan: "Because we're trying to appeal to a more sophisticated demographic?"
Joan: "Because Jen wants to write the cost of buying us off her taxes?"
Roger: "There we go. Now get me a scotch, a Lucky Strike, and an introduction to Blondie in the bikini."
Bella: "Hey, Jacob! You're here! And you're wearing a shirt. S'up with that?"
Jacob: "I told the producers I wasn't down with showing my abs."
Bella: "Are you familiar with the concept of 'staying in your wheelhouse'? Those ladies ain't here for me."
Jacob: "Whatevs. Wanted to see you before you're all undead and stuff."
Bella: "Not going vamp during my honeymoon."
Jacob: "But you're still planning to ride in Edward's Volvo?"
Jacob: "You're an idiot!"
Bella: "And you're still wearing a shirt. Who's the idiot now?"
Edward: "Next stop, honeymoon!"
Bella: "This isn't what I meant when I talked about a ride in your Volvo."
Edward: "But it's tasseled for your pleasure!"
Edward: "Care for an awkward midnight swim?"
Bella: "Dunno. Does your Volvo operate underwater?"
Edward: "So, here we are in our marriage bed. Whoo, don't know about you but I'm wiped. G'night!"
Bella: "I did not wait four films for your jetlagged ass to pass out now. Gimme the keys; we're going for a ride. I'll drive myself if I have to."
Edward: "OMFG!!!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE! WOO! TOUCHDOWN! HOUSTON, WE DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!! I'M FACEBOOKING MY STATUS TO 'IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP' RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!11!!"
Bella: "So... how long is forever exactly?"
Jen: "Yes. This is the perfect time for the preschooler sitting behind me to start telling everyone she loves Elmo. Thanks for that."
Bella: "In totally unrelated news, I'm starving. Must be the island air and not the spawning of an unholy demon seed in my downstairs ladybits. I'm going to eat fifty eggs for breakfast!"
Edward: "Whatever you say, Cool Hand Luke."
Jacob: "You're back! You're looking... well."
Bella: "Guess I'm going to be a teen mom after all. Did not see that coming."
Jacob: "Yeah, prolly going to have to kill your baby after this. No offense."
Bella: "None taken. See? See how amenable everyone is when you take off your shirt?"
Edward: "I've come up with a rather elegant solution to that whole 'demon seed' thing."
Bella: "See Dead Body; Over My."
Edward: "Okay, fine, we'll try to save the damn baby. But what might make you feel better? Chicken soup? A bathrobe? Some celebrity magazines?"
Alice: "How about a nice, big glass of blood?"
Bella: "Really? That's where your mind goes next? Really?"
Edward: "We'll put it in a sippy cup for you."
Alice: "It's so weird how you look fatter and thinner."
Bella: "I know, right?"
Alice: "Whatcha gonna name the baby?"
Alice: "Ha! No, seriously."
Bella: "I am serious."
Alice: "Um, hey! Look over there! It's an angry wolf pack!"
Angry Wolf Pack: "Let's get ready to ruuuuuuummmmmmmbbbbbblllllle!"
Bella: "Shit! My water broke all over Carrie's shoes!"
Jen: "Wrong chick flick, sweetie."
Edward: "This scene is awful!"
Alice: "This scene is horrifying!"
Jen: "This scene is why you don't bring a three year old to the goddamned movies."
Jacob: "Did anyone else notice that Bella croaked?"
Jacob: "Bella's Audi 5000 now. But I got the wolf pack to stand down. So there's that."
Jacob: "And in even more good news, it turns out that I imprinted. So first, Imma help raise the baby... and then Imma marry her!"
Bella: "Um, hello? Not actually dead. But I am calling my agent because I'll be damned if I'm not hot in the next movie."
Bella: "So... yeah. Everything worked out really well even though it was touch and go for a hot minute. To recap, I've got the guy, the baby, the Volvo, an ass that will never sag, and Jacob learned an important lesson about what cougars like. Looks like Alice was right and nothing that went wrong stayed wrong. And I don't even have to worry about those pesky Italians now! The end!"
The Italians: "What we have here is a Situation."