Move-in Day Last Year: "So the bedroom drapes aren't exactly our style, but they're fine and they're custom-made and even though they look like they should line a coffin, Imma keep 'em because I'm cheap and practical."
The Rest of Last Year: "Can't sleep, drapes will eat me."
Sunday After Thanksgiving: "The Restoration Hardware Outlet's having a 20% off sale, making each curtain panel $25? Seriously, Fletch, we must buy new drapes... for America."
Monday After Thanksgiving: "Whoa, THIS is how much the hardware costs? That's where they get you. They screw you in the drive-thru. They lure you in with $25 panels and then they shove eight million dollars worth of finials and round clips up your ass."
Last Thursday Afternoon: "The cartons of hardware are here! And half of them have busted open during shipping! For eight million dollars, you'd think they'd have packaged them using something other than tissue paper and spite."
Last Thursday Night: "Maybe Libby just tore the rest of the boxes open because she heard me complaining about how badly they were wrapped. And you have to be a little bit impressed that she can carry around a six foot long oil rubbed bronze curtain rod, right? Right?"
Last Saturday: "HA, HA, HA, SEE YOU IN HELL, DEATH DRAPES! Or, more likely, at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. Still, sayonara!"
Last Sunday: "Now that the spackling is dry, we can patch the paint and be done? New curtains hanging by tomorrow? YAY!"
Monday: "Oh, please, don't be ridiculous. OF COURSE it's the same color beige. That's why the old owners only left one can of it instead of two. I mean, who's going to paint with two nearly identical shades of beige? That's crazy talk! Impossible and impractical. I guarantee this is the right color. No, you don't need to do a test patch first. It's fine. IT'S FINE. Come on - you're burning daylight."
Tuesday: "It'll lighten up when it dries."
Wednesday: "Clearly it's not dry yet. It did rain earlier this week. Just give it some time."
Thursday: "Um..."
Friday: "So I guess you're painting the bedroom today?"
This is why we didn't buy a fixer upper like my characters in If You Were Here.
I imagine it would be hard to type having being impaled with a curtain rod.
