Everyone's A Critic, Especially Me

Today's one of those rare times I wished I worked in an office, primarily because of the water cooler chatter.

I imagine this morning's been nothing but recaps of the Hunger Games and last night's episode of Mad Men and I'd desperately like to contribute to both these conversations, largely to voice my displeasure.

As for Hunger Games? I saw the first show on Friday morning at 10:15 AM. Aside from Fletch and me, there were sixteen other people in the theater. (Clearly this was an instance where I was glad to not have a pesky day job.)

Every single thing about the film was spot on - impeccably casted and acted, beautifully scored, cinematically striking, etc. I particularly liked the shaky camera shots and thought they added tension in a clever way. Plus, there wasn't a single wasted moment - every word, every glance, every shot added meaning. I also appreciated how producers softened the violence for a PG-13 rating. And, as an added bonus, not one second of the actual Games had been ruined in a trailer since the producers never released that footage prior to opening day.

Beat for beat, the film mirrored the book. (If it hadn't, I'd have been registering my complaints on Twitter immediately, naturally.) Everything about the movie was perfection.

This is how you're supposed to make movies based on novels.

And yet...

I left the theater thinking, "Well, that was entertaining," instead of raving about how my socks had been knocked clean off. Really, the fault is mine for having reread the book right before the movie. Because I was so familiar with everything that was to happen, and because the team worked so hard to reproduce those pages, there were no surprises. And because it was so well done, I have nothing to complain about.

First world problems, right?

I liken the experience to going to a kids' orchestra recital in anticipation of a few snatches of decent music amidst the noise and instead hearing a Yo-Yo Ma performance.

Like, wow, that was actually a lot better than it needed to be.

Anyway, as for last night's episode of Mad Men? I'm not sure what I was-

"Excuse me, but what the FUCK was THAT?"

I'm sorry, Betty Draper, what did you say?

"I asked what the fuck was up with last night's episode?"

You weren't in love with it either? Like, you waited a year and a half for that?

"Fo' sho'. I mean, where the hell was I? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm, like, integral and shit. Other than one shot of the back of my head in next week's coming attractions, I was a frigging vapor trail."

I hear you were out on maternity leave and won't be back for a couple of episodes.

"I call bullshit on that."

Well, perhaps you should have better planned your unplanned pregnancy.

"Eat me."

Or willingly engaged in those old time TV tricks like carrying a beach ball around, or maybe a big purse.

"Seriously, I will cut you."

I know, I know... you'll dismiss me like so many Carlas. But maybe you should tell me specifically what you didn't care for.

"For starters, not a huge fan of the trophy wife. Bitch be t-a-c-k-y, amirite or amirite?"

She seems to make Don happy.

"Exactly! He's not supposed to be happy. He's supposed to be mopey and miserable and catting around with whores and elementary school teachers to fill the hole in his soul. He's supposed to be overwrought with the guilt of having to keep such a big secret. But now? He's making our children eggs and pancakes. WTF? Do you know the amount of Daddy issues I had to generate to keep him down? GOD. It's like all of my hard work was for nothing."

Noted. What else?

"How about Worst. Birthday. Present. Ever. Zou Bi-frigging-sou? That song is going to haunt my dreams. I mean, I'll be sitting here thinking about Shakespeare and shit and all of a sudden, 'Zou bisou bisou.' I'm going to need a shotgun to get that earworm out of my head."

I thought it was kind of-

Megan: "ZOU BISOU BISOU, ZOU BISOU BISOU."

But what about-

Megan: "ZOU BISOU BISOU, ZOU BISOU BISOU."

But did you like-

Megan: "ZOU BISOU BISOU, ZOU BISOU BISOU."

Okay, okay, you made your point.

"Right? If shame had a sound, it would be this."

Fine. What else bugged you?

"This."

"Why did we recast Bobby again? He's the drummer in Spinal Tap at this point. It's not like I give a crap about him personally, but still, a little consistency would be nice. The new one is all stringy and ropey. He looks like Iggy Pop."

Perhaps this Bobby will have a 'lust for life,' heh.

"My offer to cut you still stands."

But you have to admit it was nice to see Roger and Miss Joan again, right?

"Pfft. Saw her tits on the internet and now I'll never be able to look her in the face again. But she did put the boob job rumors to bed, I'll give her that."

What'd you think of the baby storyline?