The year was 2009.
Captain Sully proved himself a hero, healthcare reform dominated the headlines, and Hostess Twinkies abounded.
These were simpler times. Simple, more golden-delicious, artificial cream-filled times.
(RIP, Twinkie the Kid, and all your tasty friends, too.)
Regardless, perhaps what you most remember from 2009 was when Jacob Black removed his shirt for the first time in the film New Moon, awakening an entire Cougar Nation. And thus began the first in the series of my Twilight doll reenactments.
Why not take a stroll down Memory Lane to see how it all started?
And that brings us to today, the end of an era.
So without further ado, I give you Breaking Dawn, Part 2.
(Here we go again.)
Bella: "I demand a damn makeover before the next movie. I look like a pit bull found me in a basket in a shelf and then chewed on my face. Seriously. Make it happen or Imma be forced to bang someone else's husband."
Edward: "On it. You know what always makes me feel more like a vampire? A cocktail dress."
Bella: "Sweet. By the way, am I still bulimic?"
Edward: "Nope. You can eat all you want and never gain an ounce."
Bella: "Than an invitation, big boy? 'Cause I'm shootin' blanks now and the baby-brewing factory is out of commission."
Edward: "Ugh. Turns out I repressed the memory of your relentless pursuit of climbing me like Mt. Kilimanjaro. I'll be honest - didn't hate it when you were comatose."
Bella: "Noted. So, dinner it is?"
Edward: "I know a place."
Bella: "Always wanted to slay a cougar."
Edward: "I'm sure they feel the same about you."
Bella: "Alrighty, time to make the donuts. And by donuts, I mean -"
Edward: "I know what you mean. But I figured you may want to meet our kid at some point?"
Bella: "Shit. Totes forgot about her. Yeah, whatevs."
Bella: "That her?"
Jacob: "Isn't she beautiful? Don't you luff her so much?"
Bella: "Sure has a lot of teeth for a newborn. She a biter?"
Jacob: "I'm going to be here beside her for her whole life."
Bella: "Yeah, well, it takes a village. Yo, Eddy - time for you to, ahem, park your car in my garage."
Edward: "I'm overwhelmed by your parental instincts. So you didn't notice the wolf's all FBO with your baby?"
Bella: "She's already on Facebook? How many Likes does she have?"
Bella: "Whoa, hold the phone, Jacob - you imprinted on her? Welcome to Perv Town, Population: You. I am never going to forgive you... until you take off your shirt again. But you can babysit for now because Edsel 'n me have a date with the beast with two backs. Sayonara."
Jen: Anyone else find it ironic that, even though these two are doing it in real life, their love scenes feel stilted?
Bella: "No one asked you, fatty. Anyway, Dward- let's role-play. Let's say I'm an innocent college girl named Ana and you can be a wealthy industrialist named Christian with a penchant for bondage."
Edward: "Pfft. Who'd want to read about that?"
Jen: THANK YOU.
Bella: "Seriously, why are you still here? Laters!"
Meanwhile, on the other side of Forks...
Jacob: "Had to take my shirt off to explain some shit to Bella's dad."
Bella: "Tell me, Charlie, do you find it implausible that we've suddenly adopted a little girl who we're calling our 'niece'?"
Charlie: "No more implausible than me starring on a show where the lights go out and the only explanation we're able to offer viewers is 'physics went crazy.'"
Bella: "What's up with Revolution, anyway? If 'physics went crazy' how come people can use steam engines? And why is everyone always walking across the country? What happened to all the bikes? And the boats? And horses and Conestoga wagons? And how come Kim Raver's character is always swaning around in impeccable cocktail dresses? Does dry cleaning still work? Is J. J. Abrams just messing with everyone?"
Bella: "Just as I suspected."
Charlie: "Hey, is Jen still trying to make that wallpaper happen?"
Bella: "Unforch, yes. Anyhoozle, gotta take my kid, um, no, niece on a walk in the woods. I keep forgetting I'm a mom, I mean, aunt."
Bella: "You are one special snowflake, kid."
Renesemme: "Backatcha, Auntie Mommy."
Bella: "Hey, do you get the feeling that we're being watched?"
Bella: "I think it's that Denali chick Leslie Bibb."
Renesmme: "Don't you mean Maggie Grace?"
Bella: "Are they not the same person?"
Bella: "Huh, coulda fooled me. Anyway, good. Shit was getting boring around here anyway. I hope Leslie/Maggie woefully misinterprets what you are so that we'll be forced into a showdown with the Italians."
Later, back at the house...
Bella: "Jesus, Alice, what happened to your face?"
Jen: Sorry, really should have stored you guys on a higher shelf. Apparently you're delicious.
Bella: "Well, put a hat on her, for Christ's sake. She's squicking me out. You still have those snappy accessories?"
Jen: Okay, hat secured and I made the shot all blurry, like when camera guys smear Vaseline on the lens when they film Barbara Walters.
Bella: "Thanks. Now piss off. Anyway, Alice - very important question: does immortality make me look fat? Hey, wait, Alice... where are you going?"
Alice: "Okay, I gotta blow. But I'll leave a note on a page from The Merchant of Venice, which is some badass foreshadowing and an enormous "bite me" to everyone who believes Stephenie Meyers isn't literary (even if she does spell her first name wrong.) In fact, according to Meyers, 'Alice tore a page from The Merchant of Venice because the end of Breaking Dawn was going to be somewhat similar: bloodshed appears inevitable, doom approaches, and then the power is reversed and the game is won by some clever verbal strategies; no blood is shed, and the romantic pairings all have a happily ever after.' Suck on THAT, EL James."
Bella: "Huh, what? I just got boredom cancer."
Alice: "I give up on you and your inner goddess."
Edward: "Unrelated, but did you notice that Renesmee just had a rather significant growth spurt?"
Jacob: "I sure noticed! Schwing! Now, who wants to sit on Uncle Boyfriend Jacob's lap?"
Bella: "Sorry, I don't see a difference."
Edward: "Well, never mind that - we've got to protect our kid, our big, huge, weird kid, by gathering all the vampires we know from around the world to vouch for us."
All the Vampires We Know: "S'up bitches?"
Bella: "S'up with you?"
All the Vampires: "If we're going to battle the Italians, you're going to have to get into fighting shape."
Bella: "I knew I looked fat! Yo, Edwardo, wanna help me work out?"
Edward: "So what you're telling me that not only is our enormous child's life on the line, but our very existence is threatened and you want to take a TV time-out to do the monkey dance?"
Bella: "With relish!"
All the Vampires: "Um, hey, the Italians are here."
The Italians: "Can we just say we love your wallpaper?"
Jen: Have at them.
Bella and Edward: "Oh, noes! Can we talk it out?"
The Italians: "Fraid not, son."
Bella: "Ooh, bummer. Then we're going to have to go Olive Garden all over your asses."
Edward: "What does that even mean?'
Bella: "I thought it sounded menacing."
Edward: "Not so much."
Bella: "For real? Not even a little?"
The Italians: "Scusa... we gonna make-a some battle here or drink-a Lambrusco?"
Bella and Edward: "Clearly we're going to-"
All the Vampires: "WE'RE GOING TO NOT SPOIL THE MOVIE FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE."
Bella: "Fine, have it your way. Some shit happens. The some more shit happens. Then everything is back to normal shit, alright?"
Edward: "We can't give people a hint? Even a small one?"
All the Vampires: "Okay, check out this massive clue."
Bella: "What does Patrick Duffy in a shower have to do with anything?"
Jen: If you were Cougar-aged, you'd know.
Bella: "Whatever, grandma."
Edward: "Let's go celebrate all's well that ends well at the beach."
Bella: "If this doesn't end with us all skinnydipping, then you people have wasted five years of my life."
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Victoria and Laurent played by Barbie and Fletch
The Italians played by Our Dinner
The Second Victoria played by Bryce Dallas Howard, I mean, Betty Draper
The Wolf Pack played by Loki, Loki, and Maisy
Cougar played by Chuck Norris
Roger Sterling was played by Roger Sterling
So that's it.
(It's okay if you're a little weepy.)
This has been consistently the most fun I've ever had as a writer and I thank you for indulging me. But now we've come to the end of the doll re-enactments.
At least until the Fifty Shades movie.