jennsylvania

Looking For A Last Minute Way To Give This Season?

Then please consider this.

I've done an awful lot of volunteering this year in the hope that the efforts would give me one of those "A-ha!" moments.  I've worked with children, the elderly, the homless, and the incarcerated.  I planned to base a book on these experiences until I came to the realization that my thesis statement was "I suspect we'd all be happier if I just wrote you a check." 

Somehow that doesn't seem so uplifting.

Yet these experiences have changed my relationship with giving and now I'm always looking for ways I can help.

I traveled to Hawaii when I was seventeen and all I've wanted to do since then was go back.  So I've spent my entire professional life hoarding my American Airlines advantage miles, resisting the temptation to cash them in for a lesser trip and always buying extra miles when I had the chance. 

Eleven years after beginning to bank my miles and many extra dollars spent, I finally had enough for two first-class, round-trip tickets to Hawaii. 

Or Europe. 

Or wherever else in the world I might like to travel.

Then I read about Operation Hero and I realized I also had enough miles to send an entire family to visit their loved one who'd been injured in Iraq or Afghanistan.

My AAdvantage balance is back to zero now and for the first time I understand exactly what it feels like to give until it hurts.

A-ha.

Event! Next Week! Please Come!

The title was the shorthand for this post which, if the past is any indication, will ramble on.

I've just been asked to do a reading and signing for World AIDS Day, so here are the details:

WHEN:  Wednesday, December 1st, 7:00 PM

WHERE:  Oak Park Borders, 1144 Lake Street, Oak Park, IL, (708) 386-6927

WHY:  To support Lifebeat

UM, WHAT?:  Borders will donate 25% of sales associated with my signing to Lifebeat to fund their HIV prevention and AIDS support programs.  Lifebeat reaches tens of thousands of young people each year with information and materials to make smarter decisions about their sexual health. In addition, they run a program called Hearts & Voices that provides live entertainment for HIV/AIDS patients in residential and day treatment facilities. For more complete details check out: http://lifebeat.org/programs/

Events like mine will be going on at many Borders across the country that night and you can check the schedule of events here.

If you want to participate but your Borders isn't hosting an event, simply print this coupon and shop any Borders, Borders Express, or Waldenbooks in the US or shop online at Borders.com on December 1.  If you purchase one of my books at the event, you won't need to print a coupon.

I'm really hoping you guys will take a bit of time out of your busy holiday schedules to drop by and support such a worthy cause!  And signed books make a great gift! 

On a personal note, I haven't done a signing in Oak Park since Bitter was released and four people came to the event, all of them with their own manuscripts. 

Let's see if we please, please can't do a little better this year.

THANK YOU!!

* * *

In other news, yesterday I found out I'm the recipient of Purdue University's 2011 Liberal Arts Distinguished Alumni Award. 

HOW BADASS IS THAT?

Purdue's having a banquet for me in April.  Seriously!  I have to give the keynote speech and everything.  I'll probably buy some new shoes, too.  (Try and guess which task is currently at the forefront of my mind.)

When I found out, I was all, "They know I took eleven years to get through undergrad, right?" but I imagine someone keeps those kind of records.  As Fletch pointed out, they're not giving me an award for anything that happened while I lived on campus, unless patronizing my favorite watering hole every day for six straight weeks is noteworthy.  (Fellow Boilermakers?  I went ugly early AND often.)

Also, do you know how hard it was not to send out a Twitter saying, "Hey!  Tucker Max was right!  Assholes really DO finish first!"  But somehow that seemed less-than-gracious.

As someone pointed out yesterday, I'm probably going to have to start writing Purdue some checks. 

I'm okay with that. 

But they're not getting big money 'til I receive an honorary doctorate.

And yes, I WILL require everyone call me "Dr. Jen" after that.

* * *

Finally, I haven't told any good Ambien shopping stories for a while because our bedroom and my computer live on different floors in this house.  That was intentional.  Funny how one flight of stairs can cut down on so much stupidity.

Anyway, I was reading in bed a couple of nights ago when the Ambien kicked in.  All of a sudden I sat straight up when it occurred to me those chocolate-chocolate chip muffins I bought weren't muffins at all... they were actually NAKED CUPCAKES.

A smart person would realize the best course of action would be to put the book down and go to sleep.

Whereas I decided I'd head to the kitchen and create frosting.

I grabbed half a stick of butter and melted it, then I dumped what had to be an entire carton of powdered sugar into it.  I whisked it until I got bored and then poured the mixture on my naked cupcake, all the while praising my own genius. 

I can't recall the taste but I do remember having an extensive conversation with myself about how I perfectly replicated the look and feel of an Hawaiian lava flow.

Once finished, I threw all the plates on the floor and strolled into the television room, whereupon I told Fletch, "You can't even imagine the places I've been."

And he was all, "Um, yeah, I can.  You've been in the kitchen sleep-eating."

Then I looked over both shoulders to make sure no one else could hear me and I leaned in and whispered my darkest secret... "The dragons in my mouth ARE REAL."

To which he replied, "Note to self - buy bourbon." 

Then I went to bed, after following Fletch's suggestion to re-brush my teeth.

The end.

* * *

Perhaps this story isn't the best illustration as to why I deserve an achievement award.

Yet hopefully it's compelling enough to prompt you to drive to Oak Park next Wednesday.

See you then? 

XO,

(Dr.) Jen

All We Ever Wanted Was Everything*

*title shamelessly swiped from an awesome book by Janelle Brown

For those who don't follow along on Twitter, I should mention we took possession of our house today.  I'm kind of shocked at how quick and easy the closing process was, especially after all the horror stories I'd heard.  Although since the seven months of house hunting preceding it (and twenty years of renting) were, um, a bit rocky, maybe it was finally time?

Anyway, judging from some of the correspondence I've received lately, I'd say the million dollar question is...

Does the house come with a gun cabinet in the kitchen?

Why, yes.  Yes it does. 

Surprisingly the custom gun cabinet was not nearly as much of a selling point as the place we looked at in February with the cement-walled panic room.  But still, we're never ones to look a gift-arsenal-storage-facility in the mouth, so there are no immediate plans to convert it to a china hutch.

Perhaps our reticence to change it is because there's been a bit of a "crime spree" in the brand new 'hood of late.  And by that I mean that our realtor told us how someone called the police on her because her doggie door closed too loudly.  Then our banker told us how the police showed up at his house recently asking him if a "Mister Tiger" lived there.  As it turns out, Tiger is his cat and one of the neighbors complained about it peeing on their lawn, thus the police were dispatched to administer a stern warning. 

I found these stories sort of ironic, when you consider the Chicago police never came when people used to pee on our lawn.  Or had knife fights on it.  But I guess in suburbia, folks take their lawns and their quiet seriously and I can't help but get behind that. 

Anyway, I'm going to be pretty swamped for the next week so don't expect much going on here, save perhaps for some swimming pit bull videos.

So let me simply end with this - a shot of Fletch and me on the greatest day of our lives.

For those of you kind enough to read my books about our life together, thank you for making our dreams come true.
 

Kind Of Like Forrest Gump, Only With Less Running

I never meant to be an author.

Writing books - particularly those presented in novel-type form - was not my intention.  Sitting down and banging out 400 pages wasn't something I'd considered.  I preferred to write short essays, composing my thoughts in quick bursts. 

I grew up idolizing columnists like Art Buchwald and Andy Rooney and Dave Barry.  I loved how they could take one tiny event and make it epic and heroic and hilarious.  I wanted to write like they did.  I wanted to see my words displayed in neat columns.  I wanted to keep folks company over their morning coffee.  I wanted them to read my little stories on the train, clipping their favorites and posting them on their office bulletin board.  (And, let's be honest, I wanted to see my picture in the newspaper.)

So I started to write a blog in the hopes that someday I'd have my own small column somewhere.  When I shared this goal with my brother, he told me it would never happen.  He said if I ever wanted a column in the newspaper, I'd have to start out as a stringer, covering zoning board meetings and junior high school volleyball games.  I'd have to pay my dues for years, my blood and sweat pouring into the newsprint on the off-chance that maybe someday someone would notice me.

Of course, me being me, I responded to his plan by saying, "That sucks.  I think I'd rather just start at the top." 

I kept writing, hoping for my big break.  I wrote so much, I had enough material for a book, so I became an author.  And then I worked tirelessly and wrote another book.  I continued to buckle down and I wrote a third book and that one landed on the New York Times Best Seller list for ten weeks.  Then then I wrote another and it hit the list, too.  And then I wrote a yet-to-be-released fifth book and sold a sixth.

I never stopped writing. 

Turns out that if you write enough books, you don't have to cover zoning board meetings and junior high school volleyball games. 

Turns out that if you work really hard, the Chicago Tribune will notice you and they'll syndicate your work to newspapers all over the country.

Turns out my brother was wrong.

Turns out that sometimes - and if you're very, very lucky - you really can start right at the top.

CHICAGO, Feb. 25/PRNewswire/ -- For something completely new on the humor scene, TMS introduces guaranteed entertainment from four talented writers in its new content package, Humor Hotel. Hotel "guests" include actress Diane Farr, comedian/writer/director Michael Showalter, columnist and talk-show host Mark Bazer and best-selling humor author Jen Lancaster.

Each week, TMS' Humor Hotel plays host to one of these talked-about writers. Their 600-word columns will rotate through the package, covering pop culture, social networking, current events, relationships, the workplace, personal narratives and some out-the-blue takes on contemporary society. They'll make a four-star connection with readers navigating the vagaries and absurdities of day-to-day life.

Check out ...

Diane Farr: Best known for her appearances on TV's "Californication," "Numb3rs" and "Rescue Me," Farr is also the author of the best-seller "The Girl Code" and writes for many national magazines, including Mademoiselle, Marie Claire and GQ.

Michael Showalter: Multitalented Showalter has made a mark on cutting-edge TV shows for MTV, CBS and Comedy Central. His comedy and writing can also be seen in feature films "The Baxter" and "Wet Hot American Summer."

Mark Bazer: A nationally syndicated columnist who examines cultural trends, politics and the eccentricities of family life with a dry wit and unexpected perspective, Bazer also hosts Chicago's popular live "The Interview Show" and guest hosts on WGN radio.

Jen Lancaster: Creator of the highly trafficked blog www.jennsylvania.com, Lancaster is the author of serial best-selling memoirs, including "Bitter is the New Black," "Pretty in Plaid" and the forthcoming "My Fair Lazy," from NAL in May.

"Never before has there been such a collection of talent in the humor category in one content package," said Mary Elson, managing editor of TMS. "These four writers, spanning the publishing, broadcast and film worlds, offer unique and entertaining commentary at a time in America when almost everyone could use a good laugh."

About Tribune Media Services

Tribune Media Services (TMS), a subsidiary of Tribune Company, is a leading provider of information and entertainment products for print, electronic and on-air media in the United Statesand abroad. It distributes TV and movie listings and related editorial content under the TMS and Zap2it brands; syndicates comics, editorial cartoons, features and opinion columns; creates and distributes a variety of online information products; licenses editorial content from national periodicals; and manages national advertising networks. TMS also markets news, features, information graphics and multimedia content to media clients around the world through the McClatchy-Tribune Information Services. For more information, visit www.tmsfeatures.com.

Tune in tomorrow to learn how you can get Humor Hotel in your local newspaper and win an autographed advance copy of My Fair Lazy!

Get An A On It

Once in a while I see something that thaws the ice in my cold, dark heart.

This is one of those things.

My suggestion is if you like it then you shoulda sent a check to them.

You Know, For Kids

Just when you think I have no more live events, I have a new live event. 

Other than the annual Witty Women event in October, this is pretty much it until I go on tour next May.  So, if you're interested in seeing me stammer, spit, and sweat Chardonnay live and in person, there's no time like the present.  And seriously, this takes place in a bar.  Drinks will be involved which always adds an interesting dimension and ups my natural propensity for hugging, like, a thousand percent.   

Anyway...

What:  A benefit for Chicago-based nonprofit Literacy Works.

Um, What?:  I'm doing a reading from Pretty in Plaid, followed by live Q & A

Well, That Sounds Worthy, Where Do I Go?:  The Hopleaf Bar in Uptown, located at 5148 N. Clark

When: This Wednesday night, August 19th at 7:30 PM

Do I Need to Know Anything Else?:  Suggested donation is $10 (cash)

Hope to see you there and thanks so much for helping support a noble cause!

Three Days

Hey, everyone - I'll announce the caption winner as soon as I finish reading them. 

'Til then, maybe you'll read this? 

Barbie, my trainer, is participating in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day For The Cure Walk.  She didn't ask me to solicit donations, but I'm doing it anyway.  Please consider helping Barbie reach her fund-raising goal if for no reason other than her not making me do this with her this weekend.

Here's the page for Barbie's team.

(She's also running the Chicago Marathon this year, although there's no fund-raising element attached to that.  She's just doing it to do it because bitch be crazy.)

Thanks so much for helping to support this worthy cause!

Great Weekends With Jen

I had a discussion with my friend yesterday about the book The Secret.  Rather, I had a disagreement. 

As a caveat, please note my friend is smart and funny and way more articulate than I'll ever hope to be.  So when she took the time to explain the gist of the book, I listened because I respect what she has to say.  She told me how The Secret is all about the power of sending out positive energy, being ready to accept and embrace good things in life, and believing in what's possible.

"So it's a book about wishing," I said.

"Well, if you want to break it down that way, sort of, but-" she began to reply.

I interrupted.  "Yeah, pretty sure that's horseshit."

She continued, "Think about this - how do you explain your success as a writer?  Didn't you put positive energy out there into the universe and-"

"No, I put nothing into the universe.  I worked really fucking hard.  I read every book I could get my hands on to figure out what I liked and disliked about the authors' styles and I tried to integrate what I saw to be all the best parts.  Then I got a hold of successful book proposals and followed those guidelines exactly when I put my own together.  Then I used every bit of knowledge I had about viral marketing to build community online.  And even when it looked like nothing was going to happen, I kept plowing forward.  There was no wishing involved."

"Why did you keep plowing forward?" she wanted to know.

I shrugged.  "Desperation?  Having no other choice but to find a way to make a living as a writer?"

"Did you believe in yourself?"

"I guess.  I wouldn't have been able to work that hard if I didn't have faith there would be a positive end result."

"Exactly!" she exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes.  "Pfft.  I'm still not buying it."  Then I thought about it for a minute.  "Or maybe I'm just salty because I didn't come up with the concept of The Secret myself?  But, whatever.  Good things only happen if you work hard to make them happen yourself."

Right?

Then again, if there is no fate, if everything is based on chance, and the power of positive energy doesn't cause magical stuff to happen once in a while, then how do I explain Deborah Lippman choosing to read my book while on vacation?  (BTW, she particularly liked the part where I wrote about hers being the best nail polish to ever exist.)

Colors from left to right, back to front:  Dark Side of the Moon, Believe (created with Cher!), Lady Is a Tramp, Don't Call Me Baby, Just Walk Away Renee (created with Renee Zellweger!), Baby Love, Icing on the Cake, and my new fave, Maneater.  (Soup Bible not included.)  Available at Nordstrom, Neimans, Bath and Body Works, and my kitchen.

And how do I explain my friend and I having this conversation in the first place... while sitting at a Cubs game, filming a segment for the Travel Channel with this charming host?

Yes, in fact Samantha Brown IS the cutest person on earth.

Is there a Secret? 

Maybe. 

But I'm going to get back to my manuscript now, just in case there's not.