jennsylvania

All We Ever Wanted Was Everything*

*title shamelessly swiped from an awesome book by Janelle Brown

For those who don't follow along on Twitter, I should mention we took possession of our house today.  I'm kind of shocked at how quick and easy the closing process was, especially after all the horror stories I'd heard.  Although since the seven months of house hunting preceding it (and twenty years of renting) were, um, a bit rocky, maybe it was finally time?

Anyway, judging from some of the correspondence I've received lately, I'd say the million dollar question is...

Does the house come with a gun cabinet in the kitchen?

Why, yes.  Yes it does. 

Surprisingly the custom gun cabinet was not nearly as much of a selling point as the place we looked at in February with the cement-walled panic room.  But still, we're never ones to look a gift-arsenal-storage-facility in the mouth, so there are no immediate plans to convert it to a china hutch.

Perhaps our reticence to change it is because there's been a bit of a "crime spree" in the brand new 'hood of late.  And by that I mean that our realtor told us how someone called the police on her because her doggie door closed too loudly.  Then our banker told us how the police showed up at his house recently asking him if a "Mister Tiger" lived there.  As it turns out, Tiger is his cat and one of the neighbors complained about it peeing on their lawn, thus the police were dispatched to administer a stern warning. 

I found these stories sort of ironic, when you consider the Chicago police never came when people used to pee on our lawn.  Or had knife fights on it.  But I guess in suburbia, folks take their lawns and their quiet seriously and I can't help but get behind that. 

Anyway, I'm going to be pretty swamped for the next week so don't expect much going on here, save perhaps for some swimming pit bull videos.

So let me simply end with this - a shot of Fletch and me on the greatest day of our lives.

For those of you kind enough to read my books about our life together, thank you for making our dreams come true.
 

Kind Of Like Forrest Gump, Only With Less Running

I never meant to be an author.

Writing books - particularly those presented in novel-type form - was not my intention.  Sitting down and banging out 400 pages wasn't something I'd considered.  I preferred to write short essays, composing my thoughts in quick bursts. 

I grew up idolizing columnists like Art Buchwald and Andy Rooney and Dave Barry.  I loved how they could take one tiny event and make it epic and heroic and hilarious.  I wanted to write like they did.  I wanted to see my words displayed in neat columns.  I wanted to keep folks company over their morning coffee.  I wanted them to read my little stories on the train, clipping their favorites and posting them on their office bulletin board.  (And, let's be honest, I wanted to see my picture in the newspaper.)

So I started to write a blog in the hopes that someday I'd have my own small column somewhere.  When I shared this goal with my brother, he told me it would never happen.  He said if I ever wanted a column in the newspaper, I'd have to start out as a stringer, covering zoning board meetings and junior high school volleyball games.  I'd have to pay my dues for years, my blood and sweat pouring into the newsprint on the off-chance that maybe someday someone would notice me.

Of course, me being me, I responded to his plan by saying, "That sucks.  I think I'd rather just start at the top." 

I kept writing, hoping for my big break.  I wrote so much, I had enough material for a book, so I became an author.  And then I worked tirelessly and wrote another book.  I continued to buckle down and I wrote a third book and that one landed on the New York Times Best Seller list for ten weeks.  Then then I wrote another and it hit the list, too.  And then I wrote a yet-to-be-released fifth book and sold a sixth.

I never stopped writing. 

Turns out that if you write enough books, you don't have to cover zoning board meetings and junior high school volleyball games. 

Turns out that if you work really hard, the Chicago Tribune will notice you and they'll syndicate your work to newspapers all over the country.

Turns out my brother was wrong.

Turns out that sometimes - and if you're very, very lucky - you really can start right at the top.

CHICAGO, Feb. 25/PRNewswire/ -- For something completely new on the humor scene, TMS introduces guaranteed entertainment from four talented writers in its new content package, Humor Hotel. Hotel "guests" include actress Diane Farr, comedian/writer/director Michael Showalter, columnist and talk-show host Mark Bazer and best-selling humor author Jen Lancaster.

Each week, TMS' Humor Hotel plays host to one of these talked-about writers. Their 600-word columns will rotate through the package, covering pop culture, social networking, current events, relationships, the workplace, personal narratives and some out-the-blue takes on contemporary society. They'll make a four-star connection with readers navigating the vagaries and absurdities of day-to-day life.

Check out ...

Diane Farr: Best known for her appearances on TV's "Californication," "Numb3rs" and "Rescue Me," Farr is also the author of the best-seller "The Girl Code" and writes for many national magazines, including Mademoiselle, Marie Claire and GQ.

Michael Showalter: Multitalented Showalter has made a mark on cutting-edge TV shows for MTV, CBS and Comedy Central. His comedy and writing can also be seen in feature films "The Baxter" and "Wet Hot American Summer."

Mark Bazer: A nationally syndicated columnist who examines cultural trends, politics and the eccentricities of family life with a dry wit and unexpected perspective, Bazer also hosts Chicago's popular live "The Interview Show" and guest hosts on WGN radio.

Jen Lancaster: Creator of the highly trafficked blog www.jennsylvania.com, Lancaster is the author of serial best-selling memoirs, including "Bitter is the New Black," "Pretty in Plaid" and the forthcoming "My Fair Lazy," from NAL in May.

"Never before has there been such a collection of talent in the humor category in one content package," said Mary Elson, managing editor of TMS. "These four writers, spanning the publishing, broadcast and film worlds, offer unique and entertaining commentary at a time in America when almost everyone could use a good laugh."

About Tribune Media Services

Tribune Media Services (TMS), a subsidiary of Tribune Company, is a leading provider of information and entertainment products for print, electronic and on-air media in the United Statesand abroad. It distributes TV and movie listings and related editorial content under the TMS and Zap2it brands; syndicates comics, editorial cartoons, features and opinion columns; creates and distributes a variety of online information products; licenses editorial content from national periodicals; and manages national advertising networks. TMS also markets news, features, information graphics and multimedia content to media clients around the world through the McClatchy-Tribune Information Services. For more information, visit www.tmsfeatures.com.

Tune in tomorrow to learn how you can get Humor Hotel in your local newspaper and win an autographed advance copy of My Fair Lazy!

Get An A On It

Once in a while I see something that thaws the ice in my cold, dark heart.

This is one of those things.

My suggestion is if you like it then you shoulda sent a check to them.

You Know, For Kids

Just when you think I have no more live events, I have a new live event. 

Other than the annual Witty Women event in October, this is pretty much it until I go on tour next May.  So, if you're interested in seeing me stammer, spit, and sweat Chardonnay live and in person, there's no time like the present.  And seriously, this takes place in a bar.  Drinks will be involved which always adds an interesting dimension and ups my natural propensity for hugging, like, a thousand percent.   

Anyway...

What:  A benefit for Chicago-based nonprofit Literacy Works.

Um, What?:  I'm doing a reading from Pretty in Plaid, followed by live Q & A

Well, That Sounds Worthy, Where Do I Go?:  The Hopleaf Bar in Uptown, located at 5148 N. Clark

When: This Wednesday night, August 19th at 7:30 PM

Do I Need to Know Anything Else?:  Suggested donation is $10 (cash)

Hope to see you there and thanks so much for helping support a noble cause!

Three Days

Hey, everyone - I'll announce the caption winner as soon as I finish reading them. 

'Til then, maybe you'll read this? 

Barbie, my trainer, is participating in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day For The Cure Walk.  She didn't ask me to solicit donations, but I'm doing it anyway.  Please consider helping Barbie reach her fund-raising goal if for no reason other than her not making me do this with her this weekend.

Here's the page for Barbie's team.

(She's also running the Chicago Marathon this year, although there's no fund-raising element attached to that.  She's just doing it to do it because bitch be crazy.)

Thanks so much for helping to support this worthy cause!

Great Weekends With Jen

I had a discussion with my friend yesterday about the book The Secret.  Rather, I had a disagreement. 

As a caveat, please note my friend is smart and funny and way more articulate than I'll ever hope to be.  So when she took the time to explain the gist of the book, I listened because I respect what she has to say.  She told me how The Secret is all about the power of sending out positive energy, being ready to accept and embrace good things in life, and believing in what's possible.

"So it's a book about wishing," I said.

"Well, if you want to break it down that way, sort of, but-" she began to reply.

I interrupted.  "Yeah, pretty sure that's horseshit."

She continued, "Think about this - how do you explain your success as a writer?  Didn't you put positive energy out there into the universe and-"

"No, I put nothing into the universe.  I worked really fucking hard.  I read every book I could get my hands on to figure out what I liked and disliked about the authors' styles and I tried to integrate what I saw to be all the best parts.  Then I got a hold of successful book proposals and followed those guidelines exactly when I put my own together.  Then I used every bit of knowledge I had about viral marketing to build community online.  And even when it looked like nothing was going to happen, I kept plowing forward.  There was no wishing involved."

"Why did you keep plowing forward?" she wanted to know.

I shrugged.  "Desperation?  Having no other choice but to find a way to make a living as a writer?"

"Did you believe in yourself?"

"I guess.  I wouldn't have been able to work that hard if I didn't have faith there would be a positive end result."

"Exactly!" she exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes.  "Pfft.  I'm still not buying it."  Then I thought about it for a minute.  "Or maybe I'm just salty because I didn't come up with the concept of The Secret myself?  But, whatever.  Good things only happen if you work hard to make them happen yourself."

Right?

Then again, if there is no fate, if everything is based on chance, and the power of positive energy doesn't cause magical stuff to happen once in a while, then how do I explain Deborah Lippman choosing to read my book while on vacation?  (BTW, she particularly liked the part where I wrote about hers being the best nail polish to ever exist.)

Colors from left to right, back to front:  Dark Side of the Moon, Believe (created with Cher!), Lady Is a Tramp, Don't Call Me Baby, Just Walk Away Renee (created with Renee Zellweger!), Baby Love, Icing on the Cake, and my new fave, Maneater.  (Soup Bible not included.)  Available at Nordstrom, Neimans, Bath and Body Works, and my kitchen.

And how do I explain my friend and I having this conversation in the first place... while sitting at a Cubs game, filming a segment for the Travel Channel with this charming host?

Yes, in fact Samantha Brown IS the cutest person on earth.

Is there a Secret? 

Maybe. 

But I'm going to get back to my manuscript now, just in case there's not.