jennsylvania

Feeling Minnesota

NOTE:  THE MINNEAPOLIS PAPER HAD THE SIGNING TIME WRONG - IT'S DEFINITELY AT 7:00 PM!

* * *

I'm going back out on the road in a few hours.  But before I go, I had to post this line from a note I got from my friend Shayla in Minneapolis:

Since you'll doubtless be surrounded by gushing adoring fans, I can also serve as the voice of reason who reminds you of the time that you got into a drunken argument with a homeless guy outside the Sears Tower (after leaving the Metropolitan Club) about his insistence that he needed $7, a figure you found to be too large, arbitrary and random and therefore worthy of argument.

I totally forgot the incident and thus have been giggling all day.

Hey, I told you guys I used to be an asshole. 

You Must Read This (Phoenix)

NOT MILKING IT

Usually when I put up blog posts, I save the big news for last.  Am kind of shameless in regards to the concept of Milking It.  (Sometimes I Milk It so much that readers lose interest and often miss big announcements like the sale of books and such.) 

Regardless, this is just too cool, so here goes:

I'm going to be on NPR today!  You can check it out here. 

The piece I'm doing is called You Must Read This and I talk about a book that had an impact on my life.  The audio portion will be available after 7:00 PM today OR you can just tune to your local NPR affiliate and hear me read it yourself at the tail end of All Things Considered.  (Around 5:55 PM EST, but will vary depending on your affiliate time zone.  Find your local station here.)

Being on NPR almost makes me feel like a legitimate writer, and not just someone who tells stories about getting high on Ambien and ordering Barbie heads on the internet.

Then I remember I likely won't get to hear the piece live because I'll be at my friend's dog's birthday party. 

So there's that.

UPDATE: The piece got bumped to this weekend because Tim Russert died. I loved Tim Russert and I just feel sick now.

* * *

HOT ENOUGH TO FRY AN EGG, HOT ENOUGH TO BAKE YOUR DOG'S BRAIN*

Phoenix fans, I'm coming to see you on Tuesday! 

Specifically, I'm going to be at:

Barnes & Noble, 21001 N. Tatum, Phoenix, AZ, 7:00 PM

Many of you have said no one comes to Phoenix in the summer. 

We're finding this to be true NOT because of the heat, but because of the airlines. 

I have to go to Denver later Tuesday night because of a morning TV appearance and the only available flight leaves at 9:49 PM.  This means I have to get out of there not one minute later than 8:15 PM. 

I wish I had more time to spend with you guys.  My publicist has been trying to find an alternative for days but there's simply nothing else. 

Here's how we're going to work around this - I'll get to the event around 6:00 PM to pre-sign books, take pictures, and generally hang out.  Normally the reading/Q&A session lasts about forty-five minutes, so I promise if you come, you'll get the whole "experience."  (Plus with the heat and the pressure of getting to the airport on time, I'll be extra-sweaty and stammer-y.  That's a bonus, yes?)  I'll also bring and sign book plates for you guys to stick in the copies you already own and brought to get signed, just in case I can't hit all of them.

Cool?

Cool.

* Do you guys remember that PSA from the 80's?  No?  Just me then.

* * *

TRAVELIN'

Finally, here's where I'll be for the next two weeks:

Weds., June 18 - Tune in to KWGN TV, the CW Morning News, some time around 7:45 AM, (I think?)   

Weds., June 18 - Tattered Cover, Highlands Ranch, CO, 7:30 PM.  (BTW, Denver - you won't be exempt from sweating and stammering because I've got to get out of there by 9:30 because I have to get up at 3:30 AM the next morning as my publicist is clearly in league with the devil.)

Thurs., June 19 - KARE TV, Showcase Minnesota, on (I think) right before 11:00 AM?

(I normally don't post radio/TV stuff because I'm pretty sure I make an ass out of myself in each instance, but since these impact the amount of time I can spend at events, I kind of have to mention them.)

Thurs., June 19 - Borders Books & Music, Rosedale Center, Roseville, MN, 7:00 PM.

Weds., June 25 - Borders Books & Music, 511 Boylston Street, Boston, MA, 6:00 PM.  (This will be extra-fun since I'll have lots of family there.  Please note again it's at 6:00 PM.  And maybe remind me, too, because my events are usually later.)

Thurs., June 26 - Panic because I have so damn much new book to finish writing before September 1.

You know what?  I might just start panicking now.

A Repeat Twice, Plus One

You know what they call the guy who graduates last in his class at medical school?

DOCTOR

And on that note, guess who just found out she came in at number twenty on the New York Times Best Selling list, 6/22/08 edition?

That's right... it's Dr. Lancaster.

"Jen Lancaster Would Make A Shitty Diet Coach"

This?

KICKS SO MUCH ASS.

Such A Pretty Who?

This morning, I imagine thousands of intellectuals are opening The Paper of Record to peruse the book review section, as they do every Sunday.  I can picture them sipping gourmet coffee in their well-appointed living rooms, scanning the best seller pages and nodding in tacit agreement as they recall why they loved each of the listed books so much.

"Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love is a spiritual awakening!" 

"Grogan's Marley and Me is just heartbreakingly uplifting!"

"The Audacity of Hope by the future President Obama - what an inspiration!"

"The God Delusion - that Dawkins is so thought-provoking!"

"McCullough's John Adams proves what a visionary he was, while still being human and accessible!"

"Walls is very brave to share her story in The Glass Castle!"

Then they get to the book making its debut at number twenty on the list.

"Such A Pretty... um, wait a second... who the hell is Jen Lancaster?"

For those who've never heard of me, I'm a fat chick with high self esteem who wrote a book about being a fat chick with high self-esteem.  The book ends with me being slightly less fat and slightly more healthy (with the same amount of self-esteem.)

And no, I don't build schools in rural Afghanistan or leave behind the shackles of man to live in the wilderness, nor do I offer an intricate study of social epidemics or describe the experience of dying and crossing over to the other side.

But I do write about accidentally getting high on Ambien and ordering a Barbie head on the internet. 

So there's that.

"Frankly, we're as surprised about all of this as you are."

No Title Can Accurately Sum This Up

Um, you guys?

I just spent an hour drinking wine out of a paper cup with CANDACE MOTHERFUCKING BUSHNELL.

(Also? SHE READ MY BOOK!!)

As for details, Candace was gracious enough to have me on her Sirius radio show. I didn't want to say anything about it earlier as not to jinx it.

A couple of things to note here:

A) Candace is STUNNING.

B) Candace is unbelievably nice.

As soon as I stopped stammering and sweating at her, we totally had a normal conversation.

If you're interested in hearing it, check out Sirius's website for show repeats. (Also, it may be streamed online - not sure of details, though.)

OK, heading to Philly in a total starstruck haze now...

Seacrest out.

Songs in the Key of Holy Shit!

I just ran into Stevie Wonder in the Admiral's Club!

(Was too chickenshit to ask him for a photo OR beg him never to let Idol contestants sing his songs again.)

(Shameful.)

Road Warrior

Thanks to everyone who came out last night! For those of you who were there, I feel like I should explain the hair and make up. Since it was a special occassion,I wanted to look pretty so I had "professionals" help.

Did you notice the extra quotation marks above? (Just making sure ironic punctuation comes across on a BlackBerry.)

Anyway, I asked for a loose, casual, messy up-do. They heard, "Please turn my hair into a giant, inpenatrable hair bullet."

As for the makeup, I asked for something light and polished. They heard, "I would like to look like a Russian figure skater."

I said I liked pink shadow. They heard, "I would like seven shades of sparkly lavender eye shadow. And boob glitter. Lots and lots of boob glitter."

For those coming to the reading tonight, I promise I won't look like a Russian mobster's girlfriend.

(I hope.)

P.S. A full tour schedule is posted in my appearances link. See you soon?)

A Big, Fat, Self-Indulgent Whew

In case I hadn't yet mentioned it, the new book comes out tomorrow.   

That is, tomorrow is the official release date, although it sounds like some of you got yours early.  Sometimes bookstores put new releases out when they receive them, rather than the release date, and this fact makes both my editor and agent twitchy. 

From a publishing standpoint, I understand it's important to wait until the proper release date because then all the first week's numbers are reported together.  (It's kind of the same phenomenon as how an opening weekend at the box office determines the film's success.)  But from a reader's standpoint, if there's an author I dig and the book is on the front table prior to the official date, I don't care because I want to buy it NOW NOW NOW. 

For those of you who've already got it, I hope you liked it!  And for those who are still waiting, thank you for your patience and I hope you will like it when it arrives.

Anyway, it's always such a relief when the new book is finally, officially on shelves and I'm very excited for tomorrow.  Because that means I can begin to freak out about other stuff, like having to take thirteen flights in sixteen days and losing my luggage and how I'm going to take out a terrorist with nothing but a sharpened lipliner and some strategically applied kitten-heeled kicks which I can totally do because of all my new-found strongs and remembering to TiVo the important stuff because there's no way Fletch will willingly press record on Farmer Wants a Wife and if I'm going to accidentally drop an F-bomb on a morning show and stammering and sweating Chardonnay and if my dresses look cute (wait, of course they look cute) and whether or not critics will actually like what I've written. 

Fortunately, the first couple of media reviews are in and they are happy-making, so I'm posting them below.

From The Chicago Sun Times, by Tammy Chase

Believe it or not, losing weight can actually be a laugh riot

On the thoroughly covered-to-death topic of losing weight, consistent themes run through stories in books and women's magazines: will power, struggle, self-deprivation, rising above the odds and, oh, yes, misery. In other words, losing weight must be A Giant Sucky Experience.

Losing weight is the theme of Chicago author Jen Lancaster's third memoir, Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big or Why Pie Is Not the Answer (New American Library, $14, 380 pages). Lancaster, 40, is the very funny author of the memoirs Bitter Is the New Black and Bright Lights and Big Ass. In Such a Pretty Fat, she mercifully infuses much-needed humor into the life-altering process. "What good is finally being able to afford a pedicure if I lose a foot to adult-onset diabetes?" she asks.

Refreshingly, Jen isn't self-loathing. She loves how she looks -- perfectly highlighted hair, well-applied makeup, her signature pearls. She unabashedly loves food. "What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first," she writes. In a mortifying restaurant experience, "my ass knocks over someone's wineglass, like, four tables away."

After a run at the Atkins diet, the food lover endures pre-packaged meals from Jenny Craig and moves on to Weight Watchers -- which takes off more pounds, though a meeting attended by people who use terms like "emotional baker" nearly make her burst out laughing. She signs up with a personal trainer named Barbie -- who apparently looks like a Barbie -- for 40-plus sessions of torture.

Victory comes haltingly at first, but it's clear she's a heroine in the War on Fat, down about 40 pounds at one point. The first time she gets the courage to go from walking a treadmill to running, "Every single bone in my body is jarred. My knees in particular are screaming and need to be iced, like, right this second," she writes. "Yet I don't care. Because I ran."

Lancaster reminds us to laugh during laps and while counting food points on the way to a healthier size and lifestyle.

From Publisher's Weekly

A surprisingly charming weight-loss odyssey, Lancaster’s third weight-centric memoir (after Bitter is the New Black and Bright Lights, Big Ass) tells the story of her struggle to drop the ice cream and step away. Though morbidly obese, with a worried doctor hovering anxiously, Lancaster is blithely casual and never feels sorry for herself: “I’m a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of crème fraîche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn baby, you fiiine.” Still, at the end of her thirties, she knows she needs to lose weight—mostly to stay healthy, but also because she can’t face the shame of having to buy an extra seat on an airplane. While the first chapter is full of chatty asides and aren’t-I-cute footnotes which can grate, Lancaster relaxes into her journey through Atkins dinners, Jenny Craig coaches, Weight Watchers meetings and bouts of personal training with the winning honesty and humor her fans have come to expect. Anyone struggling with weight issues while trying to maintain a sense of humor (if not necessarily a positive outlook) will find much inspiration, and plenty of laughs, in Lancaster.

WHEW!

Now I'm off to pack some dresses and sharpen some lipliners.

The Eyes of Minnesota Are Upon You

If I promise to put up a real, has-nothing-to-do-with-pimping-my-own-book related post later today, will you guys help me out for a minute?

We're at the tail end of figuring how everything's going to work for my book tour, nailing down specs on events, TV and radio spots, print mentions, flights, cars, etc.  And by "we," I mean Mary Ann, my long-suffering publicist who is also obligated to field my random, asinine calls about reality television in the middle of all of this, e.g. "Hey, did you catch last night's episode of The Bad Girls' Club?  I totally heart Tanisha." 

(BTW, the job I've assigned myself is to make sure I have sufficient supply of pretty summer dresses.) 

(Check!) 

My dress purchasing has gone swimmingly and most of my favorite shows are about to wrap for the season, so I'm now free to obsess on new things, e.g. finding severed heads in the toilet, catching the plague from the neighborhood rats, and wondering how I'd groom myself if I ever went blind.  (Once in a while I'll practice doing my hair and/or makeup with my eyes closed just to see if I'd be up for the task.) 

(I can't be the only one who's ever tried this.  But for those who haven't, I am sorry for your woeful lack of preparation, particularly now during the height of April-showers-umbrella-eye-poke season.)

Since it's not my nature to worry about stupid shit alone, yesterday I decided to call Mary Ann.  "Hey, it's Jen!  How are you?  Hey, listen, I know you're swamped, but I have a couple things on my mind - first, did you see Jason Castro's performance on Idol last night?  Listen up, jackass - when arguably the most famous and prolific composer of our time gives you notes on how to sing his song, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING LISTEN.  Oh, also, what would happen if I had all these events and no one came?"

Note to self:  Do NOT do that again. 

Buying Mary Ann a pretty summer dress isn't going to stop her from wanting to murder me. 

What might get me out of trouble is to assure her that yes, you guys will be there.  Seriously, if I'm ever going to be allowed to tour again, people have to come to events.  The upside for you is I promise to swear and sweat Chardonnay and blather on about totally inappropriate topics.  (Last year in Philadelphia I was obsessed with Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch.  Half the crowd were also fans of the show and they dug the discussion - the other half were all, "When the fuck was she a professional crab fisherman?") 

Anyway, if you're vacillating about attendance, I'm asking you nicely to Choose Jen.  (Also, we haven't got a date set for the Minneapolis reading yet.  I'm worried if the tour doesn't go well, then I won't be sent up there.  So, you know, no pressure or anything.)   

If you're already in, can you please give me a quick shout out in the comments section about where I'll see you?

Thank you in advance for keeping Mary Ann from gutting me like a trout.

(Or a cod.) 

(Which is what they use to bait the pots when fishing for Alaskan King crab.)

(And also Opilio.)

(It's a really good show.)

Such a Pretty Contest

I'm too sick to be creative today (Pan Asian Death Flu) (or possibly just a bad cold) so I'm going right to the point.

I'm giving away two autographed advanced copies of the new book, one to Jennsylvania.com readers and one to my MySpace friends.  To be eligible to win, tell me your best (or worst) weight loss/diet tale.  Your essay can be funny, sad, poignant, motivational - really, whatever you want to write.  I don't care if a version of the story already appeared on your blog; as long as it's your original work, it's eligible. 

Rules:

1)  Use 500 words or less.  (Sorry, I don't actually have the time to read your whole manuscript.)

2)  Post your story in the comments section of Jennsylvania.com or my MySpace blog.  You may only enter in one place or the other.

3)  If you have a problem getting your comments to post (my SPAM filter tends to operate autonomously) then send me your story in the body of an email, NOT an attachment.  Emails with attachments will be deleted without being opened, but not before being mocked.

4)  You have until 1:00 PM CST on Friday to enter.  Winners will be determined by me and announced on Monday.

5)  My friend Jolene Siana is not eligible to enter because I already have a book for her and she just has to send me her most recent address because I didn't copy it off the envelope because I'm lazy sick.

6)  If you don't have a best (or worst) weight loss/diet story because you've never struggled with your weight, then your fortunate genetics and willpower are already prize enough.

7)  Void where prohibited by law, rules subject to change upon my whim, no deposit, no return, etc.

Ready, set... go! 

Bringing Splendid Back

I never hear the word "splendid" anymore and that's a damn shame because it's such an evocative term.  "Splendid" is one of the best words to use in setting a mood and I have no idea why it's gone out of style. 

For example, as the ability to make polite small talk completely alludes me, I'm only going to bother to ask you how your weekend was when I actually care about your response.  So when you reply with a bullshit throw-away term like "good" or "fine," I have no clue as to the quality of your Saturday or Sunday and it bothers me. 

Does saying your weekend was "fine" mean you went out for a lovely dinner and you found three pairs of Via Spigas marked down to nothing at Nordstrom Rack and when you got home you watched Matt Damon movies on the big screen while eating a Barcelona bar?

Or was your weekend "good," which could very well imply the highlight was when you chased hipsters off your lawn with the same shovel you'd used to address Mt. Doody in the backyard hours earlier?

Who can tell?  Certainly not me. 

But if you were to reply, "Jen, my weekend was splendid!" then the movies and candy and shoes would be implied and I'd be happy for you.

Oh, splendid... splendid... where for art thou, splendid?  Did that fake sugar steal all your thunder?  Or have you been going the of the dinosaur because kids have no idea how to shorten "splendid" into LolcatTextySpeak?

Well, listen up, splendid - I'm not going to let you go quietly into that goodnight.  I pledge to help preserve your legacy in print.  I promise to use you when I write my next book. 

And you know what? 

This might be an appropriate place to mention the announcement that came out in Publisher's Weekly today:

Blogger Jen Lancaster (jennsylvania.com) has made a deal with Kara Cesare at NAL for a fourth memoir, Pretty in Plaid, via Kate Garrick at DeFiore & Co. Since 2006, Lancaster has published one book a year with NAL; the first two, Bitter Is the New Black and Bright Lights, Big Ass have almost 200,000 copies in print. Her third memoir, Such a Pretty Fat, hits stores this May. Pub date for Pretty, to be the prequel to Bitter, is summer 2009.

I've been telling people Pretty in Plaid is a memoir about being a socially awkward 'tween, privately summing it up as The Book in Which I Go David Sedaris All Over Your Asses - but the Publisher's Weekly description is nice, too...

Possibly even splendid.

Jennsylvania, effectively burying the lede since 2005.

Before I Get to the Underpants Story, I've Got Tour Dates!

Here are the offical bat-times and official bat-places for the Such a Pretty Fat book tour stops! 

For anyone in Ohio, Austin, and Oakland, you might just want to take a closer look...

Chicago
Tuesday/May 6
7:30pm
Barnes &Noble
1441 West Webster Avenue 
Chicago, IL 60614

NYC
Wednesday/May 7
7:00pm
Borders
10 Columbus Circle
NY, NY 10019

Philadelphia
Friday/May 9
7:00pm
Borders 
1 South Broad St. Suite 100
Philadelphia, PA 19107

DC
Monday/May 12th
7:30PM
Borders
5871 Crossroads Center Way
Baileys Crossroads, VA   22041

Atlanta
Tuesday/May 13
7:00pm
Barnes & Noble
2900 Peachtree Road NE      
Atlanta, GA 30305

Dallas
Wednesday/May 14
7:30pm
Barnes & Noble
7700 West Northwest HWY
Dallas, TX 75225

Austin
Thursday/May 15
7:00pm
Barnes & Noble
2701 Parker Road, Bldg A, Suite 700
Round Rock, TX 78681

Cincinnati
Friday/May 16
7:00pm
Borders
11711 Princeton Pike
Cincinnati, OH 45246

Portland
Monday/May 19
7:30pm
Powell’s
1005 W. Burnside
Portland, OR 97209

Seattle
Tuesday/May 20
7:00pm
Third Place Books
17171 Bothell Way NE
Lake Forest Park, WA  98155

San Francisco
Wednesday/May 21
7:30 pm
Books Inc. in the Marina
2251 Chestnut Street
San Francisco, CA  94123

San Francisco
Thursday/May 22
7:00pm
Good Great Place for Books
6120 LaSalle Avenue.
Oakland, CA 94611

We're still working on Minneapolis and Indy and I'll post those dates/places when they're settled.  I think I'm also booked to be at Printer's Row in Chicago June 7-8, but don't have any details.  When I know, you'll know.

Hope to see you all... somewhere! 

Coming to a City Near You! (Or Possibly Not, In Which Case, I'm Sorry)

I interrupt my final page proofing to bring you this special announcement about Such a Pretty Fat tour cities. 

Break out your pearls and polish your drinkin' shoes for I will spitting, shouting, and sweating Chardonnay in the following places:

Chicago (although this shouldn't be any great surprise)

New York (at the B&N in Chelsea, I think)

Philly

D.C. (technically metro DC, specifically Virginia, but close enough, yes?)

Atlanta (Robin, I demand a personal tour of the two-story Target)

San Francisco (woo!)

Portland

Seattle

Indianapolis (which I'll be driving to, not flying, but that information is probably only relevant to me)

Minneapolis (Shayla, you'd better be in town)

and...

Dallas (FYI, Texas wasn't on the original list and I had to fight for you, thus giving up three whole cities, so, um, y'all better represent, OK?)

I'll relay the specific dates and places as soon as I get them.

Hopefully these choices maximize the amount of you who are happy and minimize the number of those who aren't.  If your town isn't on the list, I'm really sorry - just know we did our best to accommodate everyone.  (Also, please don't yell at my publisher for these choices because I'm totally psyched about being able to go anywhere.)

See you then! 

(Seriously, I'm talking directly to you, Texas.  BE THERE.) 

(Please?)

Tour Cities?

Hey, everyone - thanks so much for all your input about places I should tour this summer!  Since I just closed comments to all those entries (CANNOT LOG ANYMORE) you're probably all waiting for a drum-roll and a big announcement of where I'm going.

But it's not quite that easy. 

It will likely take a few months for the publicity department at Penguin to determine where they should send me and these decisions are based on a number of factors such as logistics, costs, local media interest, and bookstore participation.  However, getting an idea of where you guys are was was really, really helpful - like, who knew how enthusiastic Atlanta was?  Or Seattle?  Or Raleigh?  Or Phoenix?  The responses I got will absolutely influence where I'm sent, but again, these decisions aren't up to me.  (And damn it, why don't more of you live in Hawaii?)

Since there's such enthusiasm (thank you, thank you, thank you!) I'll see if we can add places within driving distance, such as Indianapolis, Madison, and Milwaukee.  Also, if you have an event you want me to attend, talk to my publicist Mary Ann.  (Her info is listed on my Contact page.)  Penguin wants me to get out and meet people as much as I do - it's just got to make sense from a business perspective.  For example, Mary Ann says if you and your Nana and your cousin want me to visit your book club in, say, Denver, they really can't send me.  However, if you and your Nana and your cousin and all four hundred members of the Junior League book club in Denver want me to visit, that's a different story.

Cool?