jennsylvania

Before I Get to the Underpants Story, I've Got Tour Dates!

Here are the offical bat-times and official bat-places for the Such a Pretty Fat book tour stops! 

For anyone in Ohio, Austin, and Oakland, you might just want to take a closer look...

Chicago
Tuesday/May 6
7:30pm
Barnes &Noble
1441 West Webster Avenue 
Chicago, IL 60614

NYC
Wednesday/May 7
7:00pm
Borders
10 Columbus Circle
NY, NY 10019

Philadelphia
Friday/May 9
7:00pm
Borders 
1 South Broad St. Suite 100
Philadelphia, PA 19107

DC
Monday/May 12th
7:30PM
Borders
5871 Crossroads Center Way
Baileys Crossroads, VA   22041

Atlanta
Tuesday/May 13
7:00pm
Barnes & Noble
2900 Peachtree Road NE      
Atlanta, GA 30305

Dallas
Wednesday/May 14
7:30pm
Barnes & Noble
7700 West Northwest HWY
Dallas, TX 75225

Austin
Thursday/May 15
7:00pm
Barnes & Noble
2701 Parker Road, Bldg A, Suite 700
Round Rock, TX 78681

Cincinnati
Friday/May 16
7:00pm
Borders
11711 Princeton Pike
Cincinnati, OH 45246

Portland
Monday/May 19
7:30pm
Powell’s
1005 W. Burnside
Portland, OR 97209

Seattle
Tuesday/May 20
7:00pm
Third Place Books
17171 Bothell Way NE
Lake Forest Park, WA  98155

San Francisco
Wednesday/May 21
7:30 pm
Books Inc. in the Marina
2251 Chestnut Street
San Francisco, CA  94123

San Francisco
Thursday/May 22
7:00pm
Good Great Place for Books
6120 LaSalle Avenue.
Oakland, CA 94611

We're still working on Minneapolis and Indy and I'll post those dates/places when they're settled.  I think I'm also booked to be at Printer's Row in Chicago June 7-8, but don't have any details.  When I know, you'll know.

Hope to see you all... somewhere! 

Coming to a City Near You! (Or Possibly Not, In Which Case, I'm Sorry)

I interrupt my final page proofing to bring you this special announcement about Such a Pretty Fat tour cities. 

Break out your pearls and polish your drinkin' shoes for I will spitting, shouting, and sweating Chardonnay in the following places:

Chicago (although this shouldn't be any great surprise)

New York (at the B&N in Chelsea, I think)

Philly

D.C. (technically metro DC, specifically Virginia, but close enough, yes?)

Atlanta (Robin, I demand a personal tour of the two-story Target)

San Francisco (woo!)

Portland

Seattle

Indianapolis (which I'll be driving to, not flying, but that information is probably only relevant to me)

Minneapolis (Shayla, you'd better be in town)

and...

Dallas (FYI, Texas wasn't on the original list and I had to fight for you, thus giving up three whole cities, so, um, y'all better represent, OK?)

I'll relay the specific dates and places as soon as I get them.

Hopefully these choices maximize the amount of you who are happy and minimize the number of those who aren't.  If your town isn't on the list, I'm really sorry - just know we did our best to accommodate everyone.  (Also, please don't yell at my publisher for these choices because I'm totally psyched about being able to go anywhere.)

See you then! 

(Seriously, I'm talking directly to you, Texas.  BE THERE.) 

(Please?)

Tour Cities?

Hey, everyone - thanks so much for all your input about places I should tour this summer!  Since I just closed comments to all those entries (CANNOT LOG ANYMORE) you're probably all waiting for a drum-roll and a big announcement of where I'm going.

But it's not quite that easy. 

It will likely take a few months for the publicity department at Penguin to determine where they should send me and these decisions are based on a number of factors such as logistics, costs, local media interest, and bookstore participation.  However, getting an idea of where you guys are was was really, really helpful - like, who knew how enthusiastic Atlanta was?  Or Seattle?  Or Raleigh?  Or Phoenix?  The responses I got will absolutely influence where I'm sent, but again, these decisions aren't up to me.  (And damn it, why don't more of you live in Hawaii?)

Since there's such enthusiasm (thank you, thank you, thank you!) I'll see if we can add places within driving distance, such as Indianapolis, Madison, and Milwaukee.  Also, if you have an event you want me to attend, talk to my publicist Mary Ann.  (Her info is listed on my Contact page.)  Penguin wants me to get out and meet people as much as I do - it's just got to make sense from a business perspective.  For example, Mary Ann says if you and your Nana and your cousin want me to visit your book club in, say, Denver, they really can't send me.  However, if you and your Nana and your cousin and all four hundred members of the Junior League book club in Denver want me to visit, that's a different story.

Cool?

Such a Pretty Book Tour

Today's Jen-Point Quiz:

1)  What major city do you live closest to?*

*Answer only if you actually would come and see me spit, stammer, and sweat Chardonnay live and in person.  (Bring a tarp if you're sitting in the front row!  I'm just like a Gallagher show!  But with less watermelon!)

Seriously, I just found out I'm going to hit about ten cities this summer for the new book which is SO VERY COOL!!  Obviously I'll do readings/signings here in Chicago, and most likely in New York and Philly.  That leaves seven cities TBD.  Judging from the location of the requests I get, I'm also pushing for Minneapolis and somewhere in Texas. 

So, if you were to want to see me, where would that be?  Boston?  D.C.?  (I'm guessing we'll stay more midwest-y/east-coast-y for logistical reasons.)     

Also, here's your exclusive first look at the new cover for Such A Pretty Fat, coming to a book-seller near you May 6, 2008!

Hope you like it...

... because we're not changing it.

Anyway, in the comments section, please tell me where I should be going.

(Other than straight to hell, of course.)

See You in December

From a comment I received today:

Seriously...I think this "author" thing has gone to your head. First you become successful and get book deals BECAUSE of your blog, then only update once or twice a month, THEN say your going to update everyday and don't. Are you too busy botoxing your brain out and complaining? I love reading your material...but think about your audience, and maybe try to keep them around by actually...writing....for free. It seems like you don't want to blog and only want us to go out and buy your books. Which, by the way, I'd be more than happy to do if you actually kept me interested in between them. This is one reader who's done.

-- Alyssa

Let's address this one line by line, shall we?

Seriously...I think this "author" thing has gone to your head.

Totally.  Now I wipe my ass with pages torn from books by Hemingway, Steinbeck, and Faulkner because those punk-ass chumps can't hold a candle to me and my footnotes!

First you become successful and get book deals BECAUSE of your blog...

Absolutely!  This is precisely why EVERY blogger has a book deal.  Publishers don't care if you have a unique voice or a new slant on an old story.  They could give a shit about professionalism or ability to meet deadlines.  And even when your editor says she never bought a book from a blogger before and hasn't since and that your website had zero bearing on her purchase decision, she's lying because we all know the only thing that matters is having a URL.  Duh.

...then only update once or twice a month...

Again, I call bullshit on me because everyone's aware that writing and editing books is so very easy and not at all time consuming and even after twelve hours of staring at your own words on the page (that someone already paid for and you're obligated to make as coherent as you can), the first thing you want to do when you finish isn't A) shower, or B) sleep, it's C) write more stuff because Alyssa says you have to.

...THEN say your (sic) going to update everyday and don't.

I must have been kidding when on 11/11/07 I posted the caveat, "Yes, I'm totally quitting NaBloPoMo.  I made it eleven days.  That's plenty.  I'll be back when I have something - ANYTHING - of value to say."

Are you too busy botoxing your brain out and complaining?

Apparently so.  Because I'm an author, there's no such thing as illness or a faulty wireless card or holiday prep or, you know, LIFE to get in the way of my daily blogging duties.

I love reading your material...but think about your audience, and maybe try to keep them around by actually...writing....for free. It seems like you don't want to blog and only want us to go out and buy your books.

I suck, don't I?  Every other author out there routinely provides thousands of words for free ON A WEBSITE WITHOUT ADS WHICH ACTUALLY COSTS THEM HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS PER YEAR TO MAINTAIN on a daily basis.  I need to get with the program.  Why am I so busy fucking around with a fourth book proposal when there's all this blogging to do?  

It seems like you don't want to blog and only want us to go out and buy your books.

Yep, that's why all my posts are nothing but blatant marketing pitches.  My blogs certainly aren't a way to reach out and connect with friends and family, or to thank readers for their patronage.  Also, I'll be sure and remove the links to purchase my books on the side panel since we agree they're patently offensive.

Which, by the way, I'd be more than happy to do if you actually kept me interested in between them. This is one reader who's done.

Alyssa, please send me your address so that I can return the $2 I earned if you purchased both of my books.

I mean, really?  This is America, and if $2 doesn't buy you an entire lifetime of my thoughts delivered hot and fresh on a daily basis, then truly the terrorists have won.

Have Drinks with Jen

If a tree falls in a forest and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I haven't a clue.

What I do know is if I have a couple of book events and FORGET TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THEM, then it will be exactly as though they never happened.

So...

Friday, October 19, 2007 - The Book Cellar at 4736 N. Lincoln Ave in Chicago, 7:00 PM - ?

I'll be there as a part of the Chicago's Wittiest Women Writers event with the ever-so-awesome Stacey Ballis, Wendy McClure, Claire Zulkey, and Elizabeth Crane.  The Book Cellar's website promises we'll regale you with quips and wisecracks all night long.  All I know is I'm having drinks beforehand, so possibly slurring, shouting, and sweating Chardonnay should be included in this description.  Also, and this can't be stated too emphatically, THE BOOK CELLAR SERVES DRINKS!  I mean, my God, a bookstore where you can have wine?  Are you kidding me?  Why am I not there every day?

Saturday, October 20, 2007 - Joliet Library Author Fair at 3359 Black Road, Joliet, IL from 11:00 AM - 3:00 PM

Likely still sweating Chardonnay from the night before, I'll be there for a signing and meet-and-greet with Laura Caldwell and Stacey Ballis, who has way more self-control than me and will likely not be sweating Chardonnay.  On her website, Stacey alludes to the promise of free gifts for stopping by our table at the fair.  At the moment, I don't have shit for you.  But perhaps I can cobble together my own free gifts from the Galley of Regrettable Hair Care Products and Old, Thick Nail Polishes currently taking up all the real estate in my bathroom cabinet.

On Saturday night, Laura, Stacey, and I will see Kathy Griffin at the Chicago Theater.  I only mention this on the slim chance one of you can coerce Kathy into having drinks with us after the show.

In other news, still not done editing right now. 

But I will be by this weekend.

Be afraid.

Wagging Sanity's Tail

Is the editing process causing me to lose it?

I'm not sure. 

However, I did just take a break for twenty minutes to explain to Fletch how I determined which of our dogs is a liberal (Maisy) and which one's a conservative (Loki.) 

OK, maybe I'm losing it a little.

(And perhaps Fletch is regretting his decision to work from home today?)

"I'm not wearing a flag pin either, bitches."

Lazy Is Not the New Black

Setting:  My house, upstairs, three weeks ago.  I'm sprawled on the guest bed talking to Susie Sunshine and freaking out over my looming deadline.

Susie:  Oh, stop panicking.  You're always done on time. 

Me:  (sigh) I guess.

Susie:  Don't give me this 'I guess' shit.  You meet your deadlines and you know it. 

Me:  (another sigh) I guess.

Susie:  So, once you finish the book, then what?  Are you going on vacation?  Starting a fourth book?  Working on the screenplay you told me about?  What are your plans?

Me:  When I finally finish, I am going to watch SO MUCH TV! 

Susie:  (long, awkward pause)

* * * * *

If I knew how to do a screen capture (or weren't too lazy to find out) I'd post a shot of my Netflix queue which is nothing but the complete seasons of Survivor, Grey's Anatomy, Entourage, Weeds, etc. 

I know, I know.  SHAMEFUL... especially with the fall season already beginning!  I've got the new listings printed out and have highlighted everything I want to see; it's an ocean of fluorescent yellow. 

(Note to Biggest Loser fans:  OMG, Jillian's back!  "Beatings, beatings, beatings, and more beatings!"  Woo!)  (I've already mentioned the shame, yes?)

Anyway, I finished the first draft of the new book on Friday and this weekend, Fletch and I drove around looking at places we'd like to live next year as we've decided to stay in Chicago.  We found an area we love and I'd like to say we're buying a house there except they're outside our budget. 

(Note:  Also, just because we say we're going to buy a house doesn't imply any bank/mortgage broker will agree.  Thanks a bunch for the new interest rates, defaulters!)

As we strolled past all sorts of lovely, appropriate homesteads, I felt bad because we can't afford what I want.  And then it struck me like a load of granite counter tops.  I only work about three months a year because I am lazy.

Lazy = working one quarter per year.

Work = money.

More work = more money.

More money = home ownership (and probably a yard without rats.)

You guys know where this is heading, right?  (If you don't, here's a hint - it's not to the couch to watch Richard Hatch run around bare-assed nekkid.) 

So here's my question - what do you guys want to read next?  Some of you've already suggested I have children and document that experience, to which I respectfully reply I would rather live outdoors with the rats. 

Since the third book is a complete narrative like Bitter, I'm kicking around the idea of another book of humor in essay form, like Bright Lights.  I've got a bunch of stories from childhood on up and I'm considering using them in a funny prequel to Bitter.

What say you?

While you're thinking, here's something else I've been doing in my downtime:

Hey, at least I'm not watching TV.

STILL NOT DONE, AARRGGH

My self-imposed Friday deadline has come and gone.  The book isn't finished, despite the fact I'm finished with it.

'Til I'm truly and completely done, please enjoy this podcast I did (and then promptly forgot about.)

And maybe pray for me.

P.S.  I'm not the one with the English accent.

Neither Eating Pizza Nor Learning about Cuba

I have less than a month to finish the manuscript for the third book, and with the pressure I feel at the moment, I can't fathom why anyone would want to be a writer.

But for those of you who've asked, here are some terrific resources to get you started:

Ask Allison - A friendly, open forum where you can ask anything about breaking into the freelance business and Allison won't mock you.

Miss Snark - She's not taking any new questions, but everything you'd ever need to know about the right way to seek representation is housed in her archives.  She's brutal... but she's also right.  (Check out the comments, too - they're equally invaluable.)

Pub Rants - Completely informative about the business of publishing - basically, there are tons of answers to questions you had no clue you should ask. 

Publisher's Marketplace - An excellent resource if you want to make yourself crazy seeing who just got a deal.  (Or if you want to see what kind of stuff sells so you can tailor your pitch.)  Subscription required.

Backspace - A place to reach out to thousands of other writers and learn about conferences, agents, groups, etc.  Learn, connect, and enjoy!

Preditors & Editors - A comprehensive guide of how-to and why-not.

Writer Beware - Protect yourself from those preying on your enthusiasm and naivety.

GalleyCat - Fun, gossipy, informative!  Sign up for their daily media newsfeed to find out up-to-the-minute happenings in media and publishing.  Plus these newsletters advertise tons of terrific courses, e.g. how to write a chick lit novel and pitching a women's magazine.

What's great is each of these websites link to a ton of other helpful/informative sites.

I'd also suggest you peruse your local Barnes & Noble because they have an entire section aggregating the above content.  Any of their books will contain the basics, such as the difference between a novel and a memoir and how to not only perfect your pitch but to insure you're pitching the right person.

Or, you know, you could just decide to do no research whatsoever and email me - a complete stranger - repeatedly, ignoring the fact I'm on deadline, and demanding I help you since you read my book. 

But then I'll show up at your house on prom night and force you to discuss U.S. History. 

Waiting for Godot... in a Totally Different Store

Today I NEED to continue to plug away on my rapidly-coming-due manuscript. 

However, I WANT to call for a boycott against Nike, Inc. but I'm waiting for their response on whether or not they plan to continue to have dog-killing thugs endorsing their products, MICHAEL VICK.  (In the meantime, Fletch spent last evening with a seam-ripper, removing little embroidered swooshes off all his athletic gear.)  (While our vicious, blood-thirsty, born-to-kill pit bull cowered in the bathroom because it was raining.)

And I WILL get started on neither, instead recounting this scene from twenty years ago that I'd completely forgotten about until I dreamed about it last night.  (BTW, if there's a fourth book in the whole life-of-Jen series, it will be a prequel composed of the longer version of hey-I-was-always-kind-of-an-ass stories like this.)

* * * * * * * * * *

It's late August, 1987.  Everyone I know is back on campus except for me.  The previous semester, I directed my academic efforts towards boys, beers, and VISA, so my university invites me to take a semester or two off with the nebulous suggestion I become less stupid.  My parents' plan for my de-stupidification is more concrete and includes work, and lot of it, should I want to continue to live indoors.  This is why I find myself in the belly of the beast, working retail at the Southtown Mall in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and having the following exchange with a harried-looking mother who enters my store:

Me:  (with the kind of forced cheerfulness our corporate office requires, knowing full well if I'm not polite that I could be fired and if I lose my job on top of being booted out of school, I will never, ever be out of trouble) Hi, welcome to Maurices'!  Can I help you find anything?

Customer:  Yes, I have a hold for Miller.

Me:  Sure!  Let's go get it for you!  (thumbing through the rack behind the counter)  Hmm, I don't see anything for Miller.  Did you hold it today?  We only keep items on the hold rack until the close of business, so if you held it yesterday, it would have been put back into stock.

Customer:  (snaps)  Yes, it was today.  The name is Miller.  M-I-L-L-E-R.  Look again.

Me:  Ooh, gosh, my mistake then!  Let's give this another looksie.  (going through the rack, pulling out every single garment) No, no, no Miller.  But let's see, I've got holds for Helen, for Heidi, for Marcy, and for Joan.  Did you give your first name?  Is one of these yours?

Customer:  No!  (exasperated sigh)  Go look in the back.

Me:  (I'm about to explain THE BACK is a cramped storage area with a mini-fridge and a small picnic table and a bunch of broken floor fixtures.  There's a wee cork board with this week's schedule posted to it, and if we're really, really lucky, the tiny, dank employee bathroom isn't too disgusting to use.  We don't put holds back here because it's tiny and gross.  And, more importantly, this is most certainly NOT where we hide all the good items that you only get to see after you specifically request we retrieve them from here.)  (And yet when I take in the customer's knitted brows and and lips pursed so hard her bright red lipstick is bleeding into all tiny wrinkles around her mouth, I think better of it.)  OK!  Be right out.  (I freshen up my lipgloss in the filthy mirror, taking my time so the customer assumes I'm looking.)

Me:  (returning)  Mrs. Miller, I'm so, so sorry!  It's not back there.  Somehow your item must have been returned to stock.  If you can tell me what it looks like, I'll find it for you immediately. 

Customer:  (slams hand on counter) Damn it, why are all you people all so incompetent?

Me:  (pauses, channeling my seething rage into something resembling polite conversation) So, um, were they a pair of jeans then?  Acid washed, perhaps?

Customer:  No!  It was a sweater!  It was a goddamned yellow argyle sweater with pink and green diamonds!  And my daughter is going have a fit you if you lost it and she can't wear it on the first day of school!

Me:  (MUST KILL)  (WITH KINDNESS)  (also, am completely sure if we HAD a yellow argyle sweater, I would already own it)  Ma'am, I think you're talking about the sweater at Ups 'N Downs across the hall.  Which is a totally different store from Maurices'.

Customer:  Show me because I am not leaving without this sweater.

Me:  (shrugging as I pass the other Maurices' employees in their mini-skirts and maxi-bangs while Customer and I exit, cross the courtyard, and enter Ups 'N Downs)  OK, then, here we are.  In this place which is a different store.

Customer:  (grabbing the sweater off a display where half a dozen of them are folded)  A-ha!  I told you you put them back!  Is retail really that difficult?  I don't know what is wrong with you people. 

Me:  (smiling with gritted teeth)  My guess is that we work in a different store.  See, that's why the music and clothing are different here and it's also why we went through that big hallway past the landscaping and the Things Remembered kiosk.

Customer:  (thrusting the sweater and her credit card at me)  Here, ring me up.  You've wasted enough of my time.

Me:  Sure!  Let me just find a clerk who works here in this store which is different from the store I work in.  (spotting an employee I know, grinning broadly)  Hey, Kendra?  Can you ring this up?  I can't, what with my not working here because this is a different store and all.

Kendra:  (punching buttons on the cash register and then handing over a slip)  Here you are Mrs. Miller, please sign here.  OK!  (hands over her package)  Thank you for shopping at Ups 'N Downs.

Me:  And at Maurices!  Which is a different store!  (customer exits, delighted with her purchase)

Kendra:  What the hell was that?

Me:  That was tangible proof of why I need to get my ass back into college.

* * * * * * * * * *

Hey!  While I was writing this entry, I got an email back from Nike:

There is no change in the status of the agreement between Nike and football player Michael Vick. Nike will continue to monitor the situation, but has nothing further to say at this time.

We appreciate that you took the time to contact us and your feedback will be passed along to the proper department.

Sincerely,

Nike

Oh, Nike... 

It is SO FUCKING ON.

Are you disgusted they've yet to part ties with Michael Vick?  Then please let them know!

One Bowerman Drive
Beaverton, OR 97005-6453
Phone: 1-800-344-6453

or

NIKE, Inc.
USA Consumer Services
PO Box 4027
Beaverton, OR 97076-4027

or

Click here for the email form you can use to tell Nike you don't buy products from corporations who ipso facto endorse dog fighting. 

Please cut, paste and repost this information to spread the word.

"Fuck you, Nike for making my mumma write a completely schizophrenic blog.  Also, your shoes don't even taste good."

This Is What Procrastination Looks Like

Because I have a manuscript due in six weeks, today seemed like the perfect day to organize all my digital photos.  I'm posting not only my favorites here but also stuff you'll recognize from stories in Bright Lights, Big Ass.  (I promise this photo obsession will pass soon.  Or, soon-ish.) 

Enjoy... and thank you for not calling attention to the fact that in so posting, I'm delaying airing the stink out of my house, returning hundreds of overdue emails, paying bills, bathing myself, oh, and writing another ten chapters.

First up, Maisy at eight weeks old on the day we brought her home, looking EXACTLY like she does now, only with straighter ears.

"I will own you, bitch."

Heartfelt emotion in Nowhereville, PA.  Because, really?  Hallmark is for suckers and true love comes in a spray can.

Wait, no.  True love is when you email your wife a photo of the sandwich you made while she's at her temp job because she believes you're incapable of feeding yourself.  (Note:  This is one of SEVENTEEN shots.)  (Bonus points awarded for pickle placement.)

The koi pond/Japanese garden in the enclosed courtyard at a magnificent rental home we considered a few years ago before settling on Loser House.  Had I not Googled the neighborhood sex crime database (30 repeat offenders in a two block radius, WTF?), we'd have taken it.  Judging from some of the stuff on display, we think R. Kelly owned the house.  Oh, the irony.

Tangible proof of the The Holiday Drinking Season, or Why Big Daddy Should Not Hit the Eggnog 'Til After Wrapping Presents.

Check it out - pearls, pajamas, pedicures, pasta, and pets. I'm a cliche of myself in this photo!

Remember when I wrote Rachael Ray was the devil and I described the Frankenmeatloaf Fletch cooked?  Yes.  It was real.  Be afraid because evil never dies and this meatloaf is probably still wandering up and down Racine Ave.

Not Winky.  But likely a close relation.  Not pictured?  Dogs trying to break down the door, SWAT-style.

The view of the city from Fletch's boss's boat.  (Not the night of the two-dollar incident, though.)

The shot Fletch and I staged because I thought sending "Come to My Book Signing or the Dog Gets It" invitations would be funny and not, you know, UTTERLY TERRIFYING.  (BTW, Lindsay Lohan is a big, fat copycat.)

But don't worry - Fletch is also in touch with his feminine side.  Anyone need a button sewn back on?

A party shot from back when we were DotCom Thousandaires.  (Seriously, is that not the best jacket ever?)

Finally, the cover Bitter would have had if I hadn't argued successfully that putting a six-foot tall, 110 lb. model up there didn't quite convey the idea of being laid off and getting fat.  (But if you'd like to think my legs are this thin and that my ass wouldn't expand across the entire suitcase, please feel free.)

Alright, I've got to try and accomplish something today. 

And if it's not a whole chapter, at least I hope it's a shower.

Not Dead! Only in Deep Pain!

I’m not going to apologize for not blogging recently because… dude.  The new book is due in less than two months.  Busy.  So very, very busy. 

 

Technically, I don’t actually HAVE to lose the whole 50 pounds, I’m just contractually obligated to provide 80,000-90,000 words about the process.  However, I don’t miss deadlines OR goals so I’m killing myself right now to make it happen.  I mean, damn, on top of the restrictive diet I’m working with my trainer three times a week and also doing cardio on my own.  Plus, I went to a “freemotion fitness” group class on Wednesday taught by my trainer, which A) was really fucking hard and B) was probably a mistake on my part as my trainer complimented me on keeping up and determined I’d been holding out on her in our private sessions. 

 

Shit.      

 

My trainer then laughed and said she couldn’t hear me complaining over the music, which I imagine was a pleasant change.  Frankly, I was too busy trying not to attract attention from the fit participants during the class, so I kept my mouth shut.  However, our dollar-per-minute training sessions are an entirely different story.  It’s impossible for me to not provide surly running commentary over each exercise.  (I am made for sitting and reclining, not for squatting and sprinting!)      

   

Also, there’s such pain and exertion involved, my body hijacks my brain and invents problems so she’ll take it easy on me, e.g. “These lunges just sprained my prostate, so let’s not complete the set, OK?”   

 

Sadly, I’ve cried wolf one too many times, and now unless we can see bone sticking out, she doesn’t believe me when I beg for a moment to tend to all my “injuries.” 

   

I am so going to buy her a pony when we reach my goal.   

 

That is, if she doesn’t kill me first. 

 

Anyway, until I get back to my regular posting duties, check out any of the following: 

 

My interview with Cindy at Conversations with Famous Writers 

 

Tons of great summer reading recommendations from Trashionista 

 

MamaPop’s new bookclub 

 

Finally, for the Jens and Wendy and Roberta and all the other cool ladies sitting on the east end of the table at the telephone bar after the New York signing, I FINALLY remembered the story I was going to tell you about my friend wearing her neighbors sheets!  Granted, I totally forget how it was a propos to the conversation, but here it is. 

 

Now there’s an elliptical machine with my name on it.  And if I don’t go, I fear my trainer will make my broken ankles go from fantasy to reality... 

 

(P.S.  Just found out the new book will be released in May, 2008!)

No Forget-y

A quick reminder of where I'll be while I'm offline for the next few days: 

June 6th – Reading and signing at the Rittenhouse Barnes & Noble, 1805 Walnut Street, Philadelphia, PA at 7:30 PM.   

June 7th – Reading and signing again at the Astor Place Barnes & Noble, 4 Astor Place, New York, NY at 7:00 PM. 

June 10th – Reading, signing, and “in conversation” with Stacey Ballis on the B&N Heartland Stage at Printer's Row in Chicago, IL at 11:00 AM.    

 

Also, if you live here in Chicago and want me at your bookclub, let me know.  If I'm free, I will come. 

            

Perhaps at my next club outing I won't cover self/others with the entire contents of my wine glass.   

      

(But then again, maybe I will.) 

Your Two Cents

Next Sunday at 11:00 AM, Stacey Ballis and I are appearing together at Printer’s Row on the main stage. We don’t have a set agenda of what we’re supposed to discuss; rather, we’re simply listed on the program as being “in conversation.”

As Stacey is one of my favorite people in the world, having a chat with her is not exactly a chore. And because of all the traveling she’s done lately to promote her trio of new books, I won’t see her again until that day. So, it’s not like she and I won’t have a zillion things to discuss. The problem I’ve had limited human interaction lately. (Fletch was in Denver for most of May.) Because of this, I’m afraid I will monopolize the conversation with any of the following topics:

• A Shear Genius post-mortem. (Note: I have not yet seen all the episodes; DO NOT tell me who won.)      
• My new trainer and how she’s EVIL because she doesn’t actually end our session right at sixty minutes like any mental health professional would and how last time I was there SIXTY-TWO minutes into our session, she pulled out a giant step and made me climb it, like, a thousand times and the only thing I could think to shout while waiting for my heart to seize up was, “You are a very bad girl!”   
• Fletch and his inability to reuse a bath towel. (That’s why towel racks exist! To dry the terrycloth between uses!)   
• Why every maid-for-hire ad I’ve looked at on Craig’s List only offers “erotic” cleaning services and how if I don’t get help mopping and taking out garbage soon, Adult Protective Service is going to become involved.   
• Homeless people who freaking stand in line to beg at the intersection of Fullerton and the Kennedy expressway. (Perhaps having a number-taking machine like in the deli section of the supermarket would cut down their wait time?)   

Yeah, no one’s coming all the way to the South Loop and paying $20 for parking for this, and that’s why I seek your help. Given the opportunity, what kind of stuff would you want to hear us discuss? The writing process? How we found agents? Fiction vs. non-fiction? What inspires us? Who we read?

Anyway, please let one of us know via email or MySpace what you want to hear. Otherwise, a whole new season of So You Think You Can Dance has begun and I have far too many unexpressed thoughts...